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Made it thru today. Now what tomorrow? And the bad teacher got a reprimand.
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 212120" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Hang on, I must have missed something. difficult child got slapped? When?</p><p></p><p>I'm also concerned with "Director remains optimistic that we can figure out a plan to keep difficult child and this teacher distanced" ... sorry, the director should be more than "optimistic" about this, he should be certain - because a teacher who does this with ANY student needs to be stopped. And if she simply didn't know any better but does now - there should be no problem. But she is a repeat offender who clearly should know better. She should be gone.</p><p></p><p>Not good enough. Shari, I think you're falling back into the trap of being grateful for ANY crumb of support and being heard by the school. (Same trap I fell into).</p><p>I know it sounds like I'm digressing but I'm not - yesterday difficult child 3 & I saw a new psychologist. She's good. She wanted to hear some of difficult child 3's history, including past experiences at school. I told her some of the stories, no embellishment needed and even my usual "I had to see both sides" balanced description - the psychologist was horrified. I also was hearing difficult child 3's responses for the first time because I've made a point in the past of not discussing the various incidents in front of him; first, he can get upset remembering, and second, it's all in the past and we need to move on.</p><p>I learned that for difficult child 3, it's still a very vivid and painful memory which scarred him deeply. And as far as I can determine, he didn't endure as much as your difficult child is. However, ANY of the stuff that happened is wrong, and it happened repeatedly because for us, the school's way of handling a conflict between difficult child 3 and the bullies was to 're-educate' difficult child 3 and to punish him alone, instead of finding out why he was being so reactive and maybe punish the kids who were deliberately provoking or attacking him. difficult child 3 said yesterday, "I didn't think it was fair for them to put me on detention when all I was doing was defending myself from kids who were hitting me, poking me or tripping me up. And the teachers would get angry with me and not believe me if I told them what was happening - sometimes I got into trouble for telling them, when [behaviour teacher] had told me that I SHOULD tell a teacher when kids were being mean."</p><p></p><p>What I'm saying here - difficult child 3 is now almost 15 and in Grade 9, he is a lot more perceptive and socially skilled than he was and can look back now and really recognise the injustice of it all - and it hurts deeply. Nw he's older he KNOWS he was treated badly and that his teachers did nothing, certainly didn't do their job to protect him but instead punished him, and because of tis the neighbourhood kids have been taught that it's OK to attack difficult child 3 and other people like him (I say 'people' because not only other kids are being targeted by these darlings, but adults with similar disabilities too).</p><p></p><p>The buck has to stop somewhere. The bad stuff has to be stopped somewhere. If we try to keep a united front with the school over this and handle it in a conciliatory manner, then we risk sending a message to the bullied child that we are doing nothing and his complaints and suffering will continue, because he simply isn't worth worrying about. However, if we get loudly, aggressively defensive of our child before we know all the story, we risk sending a message to our child that they can do whatever they like and we will "fix it" for them.</p><p>It's a balancing act.</p><p></p><p>But looking back from where I am now - I erred way too far on the side of trying to sort things out in a friendly manner. I DID get some things fixed and changed, but nowhere near enough and far too late.</p><p></p><p>I am still on friendly terms with a lot of the teachers at this school I'm talking about - we live in the same small community. However, back when it was getting really bad, I didn't let it stop me from threatening legal action if they failed to keep my child safe or if they continued to allow him to be discriminated against because of his disability. I actually said to them, "Because we live in the same town and because we are friends, I am giving you this verbally and not yet putting it in writing - I am very angry that my child is being harmed and discriminated against. I CAN take legal action, but for the moment I choose not to. I choose this because I have hopes that you will fix this problem ASAP. However, if you fail to fix things to give my child a fair deal in your discipline policy and in your support of him, then I WILL put all this in writing and I WILL take every action I possibly can, as loudly as I can, including going to the media and as many politicians I can engage on this as possible. And you know I have succeeded in the past and can do so again. We ARE friends, but my child is more important to me than friendship."</p><p></p><p>I had the deputy teacher in tears and later that day when we met privately, I made a point of continuing to be friendly and to work with her in an extra-curricular capacity, but she knew I would act on it.</p><p></p><p>It's really hard to do this. REALLY hard. You've made a great start. But you need to keep your target in mind and not allow them to deflect you from it. It is so easy to be deflected - we WANT to be deflected, especially when they say, "I need time to work on this, I'll talk to her and see what I can work out with her; but she's been teaching for a long time and it takes time to change old habits." </p><p>You've given them time. They are the adults. Your son is the child; and a child with problems. HE shouldn't be having to wait until the adult learns to adapt. HE needs to be safe and KNOW he's safe NOW. I think you need to gently but insistently make this clear.</p><p></p><p>One way to make it work - put things in writing. If you choose to pull him out at lunchtime every day then do so but tell the school in writing that you are doing this in order to capitalise on his good sessions at school (and to finish his school session on a positive note in order to build up a positive conditioned response) and also to avoid the problems that have built up due to the school's failure to keep him safe.</p><p></p><p>The other really important thing you need to do - bring in the house rule "School work during school hours". Ask for worksheets to come home with him when you pick him up and give any completed work back to the school. He shouldn't be rewarded with a holiday, for being difficult. Even if he can't help being difficult, he needs to know that schoolwork won't go away if he kicks up enough fuss.</p><p>The work he does at home needn't be as formal as the work he's given at school, if you feel he's not going to cope with it. But NO playing computer games (unless they're educational and approved by you as such) and no watching DVDs or videos unless they are approved by you as educational.</p><p></p><p>We have this rule in place even when difficult child 3 is physically ill. If he's running a fever, I modify the work I expect him to do but he IS expected to work unless he's actually sleeping off a fever. No scolding, no punishment, just expectation. We even negotiate - if he's feeling too ill to write, I get him to watch an educational DVD but I do discuss with him what to watch and because watching DVDs makes him anxious, I often sit with him to watch it and/or make popcorn.</p><p></p><p>The "I want to be dead" stuff - it comes about when he feels a situation is hopeless (because no matter how he tries, he feels powerless because nothing seems to be getting done to fix the problem) and also when he feels stupid and worthless (because he's not actually able to learn anything, while he's so very anxious). You CAN turn this around and it's not as difficult as you might think.</p><p></p><p>YOU need to undermine the damage this woman has done, and show him that he IS worth the effort, he IS smart and he CAN learn - as long as his learning environment is low-stress and he feels safe. This can help him learn to enjoy learning - the ultimate aim in education.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 212120, member: 1991"] Hang on, I must have missed something. difficult child got slapped? When? I'm also concerned with "Director remains optimistic that we can figure out a plan to keep difficult child and this teacher distanced" ... sorry, the director should be more than "optimistic" about this, he should be certain - because a teacher who does this with ANY student needs to be stopped. And if she simply didn't know any better but does now - there should be no problem. But she is a repeat offender who clearly should know better. She should be gone. Not good enough. Shari, I think you're falling back into the trap of being grateful for ANY crumb of support and being heard by the school. (Same trap I fell into). I know it sounds like I'm digressing but I'm not - yesterday difficult child 3 & I saw a new psychologist. She's good. She wanted to hear some of difficult child 3's history, including past experiences at school. I told her some of the stories, no embellishment needed and even my usual "I had to see both sides" balanced description - the psychologist was horrified. I also was hearing difficult child 3's responses for the first time because I've made a point in the past of not discussing the various incidents in front of him; first, he can get upset remembering, and second, it's all in the past and we need to move on. I learned that for difficult child 3, it's still a very vivid and painful memory which scarred him deeply. And as far as I can determine, he didn't endure as much as your difficult child is. However, ANY of the stuff that happened is wrong, and it happened repeatedly because for us, the school's way of handling a conflict between difficult child 3 and the bullies was to 're-educate' difficult child 3 and to punish him alone, instead of finding out why he was being so reactive and maybe punish the kids who were deliberately provoking or attacking him. difficult child 3 said yesterday, "I didn't think it was fair for them to put me on detention when all I was doing was defending myself from kids who were hitting me, poking me or tripping me up. And the teachers would get angry with me and not believe me if I told them what was happening - sometimes I got into trouble for telling them, when [behaviour teacher] had told me that I SHOULD tell a teacher when kids were being mean." What I'm saying here - difficult child 3 is now almost 15 and in Grade 9, he is a lot more perceptive and socially skilled than he was and can look back now and really recognise the injustice of it all - and it hurts deeply. Nw he's older he KNOWS he was treated badly and that his teachers did nothing, certainly didn't do their job to protect him but instead punished him, and because of tis the neighbourhood kids have been taught that it's OK to attack difficult child 3 and other people like him (I say 'people' because not only other kids are being targeted by these darlings, but adults with similar disabilities too). The buck has to stop somewhere. The bad stuff has to be stopped somewhere. If we try to keep a united front with the school over this and handle it in a conciliatory manner, then we risk sending a message to the bullied child that we are doing nothing and his complaints and suffering will continue, because he simply isn't worth worrying about. However, if we get loudly, aggressively defensive of our child before we know all the story, we risk sending a message to our child that they can do whatever they like and we will "fix it" for them. It's a balancing act. But looking back from where I am now - I erred way too far on the side of trying to sort things out in a friendly manner. I DID get some things fixed and changed, but nowhere near enough and far too late. I am still on friendly terms with a lot of the teachers at this school I'm talking about - we live in the same small community. However, back when it was getting really bad, I didn't let it stop me from threatening legal action if they failed to keep my child safe or if they continued to allow him to be discriminated against because of his disability. I actually said to them, "Because we live in the same town and because we are friends, I am giving you this verbally and not yet putting it in writing - I am very angry that my child is being harmed and discriminated against. I CAN take legal action, but for the moment I choose not to. I choose this because I have hopes that you will fix this problem ASAP. However, if you fail to fix things to give my child a fair deal in your discipline policy and in your support of him, then I WILL put all this in writing and I WILL take every action I possibly can, as loudly as I can, including going to the media and as many politicians I can engage on this as possible. And you know I have succeeded in the past and can do so again. We ARE friends, but my child is more important to me than friendship." I had the deputy teacher in tears and later that day when we met privately, I made a point of continuing to be friendly and to work with her in an extra-curricular capacity, but she knew I would act on it. It's really hard to do this. REALLY hard. You've made a great start. But you need to keep your target in mind and not allow them to deflect you from it. It is so easy to be deflected - we WANT to be deflected, especially when they say, "I need time to work on this, I'll talk to her and see what I can work out with her; but she's been teaching for a long time and it takes time to change old habits." You've given them time. They are the adults. Your son is the child; and a child with problems. HE shouldn't be having to wait until the adult learns to adapt. HE needs to be safe and KNOW he's safe NOW. I think you need to gently but insistently make this clear. One way to make it work - put things in writing. If you choose to pull him out at lunchtime every day then do so but tell the school in writing that you are doing this in order to capitalise on his good sessions at school (and to finish his school session on a positive note in order to build up a positive conditioned response) and also to avoid the problems that have built up due to the school's failure to keep him safe. The other really important thing you need to do - bring in the house rule "School work during school hours". Ask for worksheets to come home with him when you pick him up and give any completed work back to the school. He shouldn't be rewarded with a holiday, for being difficult. Even if he can't help being difficult, he needs to know that schoolwork won't go away if he kicks up enough fuss. The work he does at home needn't be as formal as the work he's given at school, if you feel he's not going to cope with it. But NO playing computer games (unless they're educational and approved by you as such) and no watching DVDs or videos unless they are approved by you as educational. We have this rule in place even when difficult child 3 is physically ill. If he's running a fever, I modify the work I expect him to do but he IS expected to work unless he's actually sleeping off a fever. No scolding, no punishment, just expectation. We even negotiate - if he's feeling too ill to write, I get him to watch an educational DVD but I do discuss with him what to watch and because watching DVDs makes him anxious, I often sit with him to watch it and/or make popcorn. The "I want to be dead" stuff - it comes about when he feels a situation is hopeless (because no matter how he tries, he feels powerless because nothing seems to be getting done to fix the problem) and also when he feels stupid and worthless (because he's not actually able to learn anything, while he's so very anxious). You CAN turn this around and it's not as difficult as you might think. YOU need to undermine the damage this woman has done, and show him that he IS worth the effort, he IS smart and he CAN learn - as long as his learning environment is low-stress and he feels safe. This can help him learn to enjoy learning - the ultimate aim in education. Marg [/QUOTE]
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