major crisis

[Luvbooks7]

Hi y'all,

I am at the end of my rope over here. I am really having a hard time dealing with things right now.

My daughter is definately ODD and we're not sure what the other condition she has is yet.
She steals constantly, food, stupid things, pudding mix, toys, pencils and markers from school, nothing really big nor expensive since the Ipod from school years ago.

Nothing was done by the school then except a 3 days suspension, which had no long term affect on her.

Nothing seems to work with her, nothing I've tried yet.

we have an appointment with someone coming out to the house, a counselor, on Monday. She is going to a psychiatrist on June 1st.

BUT in the meantime things are falling apart. I am falling apart.

My son is acting up more from the never ending stress in the house.
My health is awful. I have autoimmune things that are active now and I"m exhausted.

My partner is at the end of his rope as well and he's angry since she takes his stuff too.
He's suspecting she took his cigarettes since we can't find them.
So he said something that upset me, and I'm stressed out, and trying to nurse and raise 3 week old kittens, their mom has just rejected almost the last one. We starrted out with 1 and are down to 4 now. A cat from outside had kittens and we brought them in, and 2 are left. The others died, and we have 2 from this inside cat.
I don't know if any of the kittens will make it.

But one comment he made was in effect he'd do something so he could leave or peoploe would help him leave, so he wouldn't have to continue living in stress chaos and having your things stolen.
She takes my things too and destroys them.

Does anyone have any instant coping skills to share? just something to get us through this, or me if it's all thrust on me to deal with, when I feel like I'm drowning here............

luvbooks

 

[BusynMember]

Well, the first thing you can do is get her a better evaluation so that you know what your dealing with (and not just guessing). I recommend a neuropsychologist. Until you know why she does what she does, it's hard to really know (for us and for you) how to handle her. Most of our "differently wired" kids do not respond to traditional behavioral therapy methods. The neuropsychologist is what I'd do first...try hard to nail down what disorders she has...and you won't get that from a therapist or a counselor who comes to the house. You'll probably just get told you are a "bad parent" which is NOT true.

Secondly, about SO. I assume he knew you were a package deal. You may have to just let him go as your child comes first. If he can't cope with it, then he may be better not around. Otherwise, maybe he'd go to family counseling with you. I do suggest that as well as getting a neuropsychologist evaluation for your daughter. ODD doesn't seem adequate to explain her behavior.

Good luck, whatever you decide to do

 

[JJJ]

First of all (((hugs))) many of us have been there.

I know you are exhausted but if you can find one day's energy and about $50, you can get some control.

1. Get both children out of the house, preferably leaving SO to stay and help you but if you can't find anyone to take them then have SO do it.

2. Go to your local hardware store and buy two outdoor locks.

3. Install one lock on your bedroom door and one on your son's bedroom door.

4. Go through the whole house and anything that you want kept safe from her, put in your room. Put all of your son's things in his room.

5. Search her room and get all your stuff back. Lock it up.

6. Have a cup of tea.

7. Take the kittens to the shelter - you are in crisis mode, you cannot take care of them right now.

8. Have your son come home. Explain to him that the lock on his door is to keep his stuff safe from his sister. Make sure he knows that he must make sure it is locked every time he leaves his room - even just to go to the bathroom. Let him know that he has the right to have his stuff safe and that you are trying to get help for his sister so she stops stealing but you wanted him to feel safe in the meantime.

9. Have your daughter come home. Explain to her that both yours and her brother's rooms are now locked to keep her out. That because she seems unable to stop her stealing, you have taken steps to ensure that everyone's things are safe while she learns to stop stealing. (Do you have logical consequences for her stealing - e.g. each time she is caught stealing something, an item of hers is taken from her in addition to giving back the stolen item - if she can't return the stolen item because she ate/broke/lost it, then she loses two of her things.)

10. If it is an issue for her, lock up all knives and medications (rx and otc) as well.

When Kanga was at her worst, I wore a fanny pack around the house with the keys to the locked rooms and my cell phone. I know mom's who have worn the key on a shoelace around their neck (Kanga would have strangled me with it - I couldn't wear anything around my neck!). If your daughter is not violent, that might be easier than a fanny pack.

 

[DaisyFace]

Luvbooks--

I am so sorry to hear your pain!

As for "instant coping" ? JJJ is right about the locks. Lock what's important to you (including the food in the kitchen) and it will be there next time you look for it.

And do not get your hopes too high that the counselor is going to be the "magic solution"....it will just be a stepping stone. You will still likely have issues with stealing even while your child is in therapy.

If you can, try and arrange a little time for yourself. You need a break from all this stress, too.

Hang in there!

 

[TerryJ2]

Hi Luvbooks7, nice to meet you.

Everyone here knows stress quite well. You are in good company.

And the other ladies here beat me to the punch with-the responses. I was going to suggest locks on the doors (carry the keys with-you at all times) and a psychiatrist.

Meanwhile, walk around the house or around the block, just to get out of the house. Seriously. Just leaving the house will help clear your mind. Don't take the chaos with-you in your mind--look up at the sky, smell the flowers, change your environment.

Tell your partner that you want to take turns taking breaks. You can figure out times to leave the house to take care of yourself to go to the bookstore, go for a walk, whatever.
Remind him that you are a team and you are not enemies. Tell him that you want him to take a break too. (You'll have to be careful not to insult him and make it sound like he's losing it and needs a break, Know what I mean?? Male ego and all that. Marg's man is an exception. )

Good luck!

 

[mrscatinthehat]

The first thought I had was the locks and I pretty much agree with JJJ. As for coping hide in the bathroom for a while. We are redoing our house and it was the first room done. It can be a sanctuary.

Good luck!!