major guilt

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Kjs, Dec 14, 2007.

  1. Kjs

    Kjs Guest

    Anyone ever feel this way. things are not going well relationship wise. I didn't go home last weekend after work. stayed at a hotel. Would of driven 200 miles and stayed with my sister for my four days off, but weather was too bad. So, after two days I went home. I am angry. husband and I fight. difficult child is near by. Say things we shouldn't. Many things. Finally Monday morning in MY meltdown, difficult child said, "just get a divorce then". I was having a major meltdown with difficult child. Don't know why him.
    He went to school crying, I told him no more school calls, I will not answer them. I did ask him what he wanted, and he wanted me to stay.

    Friday I had 9 emails from teachers. Not including electives. So that leaves 4 teachers. Then, after working all night, when everyone else is sleeping, I run errands, pay bills, get home and there is a message from 8:50 am from difficult child. Come get me. 13 minutes after school started. I call, they said the phone log said sick. (this is now over 6 hours later) They call him down and he starts yelling at me. Then, 3 calls from principal. Progress reports showed difficult child did not turn in a single assignment for any class the entire week. This was the beginning of the fight. I told husband, no computer until homework is attended to. i go to bed. I get up for work, difficult child is playing games on computer. I look at husband he says, have to tell him. WHY ME? Why am I the bad person. Why do I take the emails and phone calls? Why do I have to get on him for homework. Because, husband doesn't know how to logon to a computer, cannot take phone calls at work.

    So, after my meltdown weekend. I start thinking of difficult child. He skipped a grade because he was a class clown, was testted, and school and us decided we wanted to challenge him more.
    fifth grade I lost my job of 16 years, and husband's business was bought out. difficult child thought we would be homeless. Severe anxiety began. Teacher embarrassed him by making comments about our finacial situation. difficult child began to be very outspoken.
    Stress on marriage when you can't eat. easy child had to quit school. difficult child continued to worry, and moods began to rapidly change. So, after months of issues at school, we take him to psychiatrist. (we meaning myself and couselor from school). husband has yet to meet the man. Then comes middle school. A ten year old trying to fit in. Then I work second shift and see him maybe one day a week. Then I switch to my current position, nights. Closer to home, 3 days on 4 days off rotating.
    Financial situation getting better. difficult child no longer on mood stabalizer. Put him on ADHD instead to help concentrate, less figity. Now, school calls with concerns over difficult child's "severe facial tics".
    I quit giving it to him. After 4 or 5 days since I left, he hasn't had it. noticably less tics. He wants to take the medication.

    I am feeling so guilty. Is all of his problems because of me??
    did I medicate when it was me in the first place?
    I am so sad. Not for me. for my son.
    he will be 13 in two days. And I have been the cause of his entire life's problems.
    I wish there was a way he could know just how much I hurt, how much I love him, and how much I want for him.

    So sorry. Now that I have it out, I will begin to feel better. AFter all, I am going to have a new teenager.

    Thanks for listening.
  2. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    You know, my heart is aching for you right now. Can any more "stuff" hit the fan at once for you or what?!!

    My view on your "stuff":

    difficult child - sounds like a great kid. Why is he listed on your profile as "not tested" for the bipolar etc.? Have they been medicating without a diagnosis? I'm confused. Have you had a neuropsychologist done on him?

    difficult child's problems because of "you" - One thing that I often said about my kids from the day they were born (before we knew that they had disabilities)was "well, nowadays everyone blames their mom for everything, so if I'm doing my job right, they'll be "on the couch" (with a psychiatrist) when they're 21 telling them "I hate my mother BECAUSE...". Ok, so 5 was the age that I should have been talking about. The point is: if they came with an instruction manual and you ignored it, THEN it would be your fault. We each deal with life as it comes. If you perceive that you're doing something wrong: change it.

    Your relationship - you my friend have what I call an "armchair quarterback". They can scream and yell about what play should have gone on, but tell them to get off their a** and participate and they never fully "kick in".

    You - you've really been running a tough road. Do you realize that according to most psychiatric professionals, you've endured just about every major stressor on a human and are still chugging along? You may need a medication tweak for some depression. I'm not sure how old you are, but have you considered "peri-menopause" as well?

    Give yourself a break. Take difficult child Christmas shopping, knock around just the two of you and let him TALK to you. Find out what's bugging him the most and work on one thing at a time. Let him know that parents get stressed, fight and settle things. His recent outbursts could be reflecting your mood, husband's mood, or how the moon is alighned with the stars. If one ADHD medication gave him tics, try a different kind if he feels the medications are helping.

    "Guilt is a luxury we can ill afford and it looks tacky with sneakers". - By Beth

    Embrace it, accept it, and move on! :wink:

    Feel better! We're all here for you!

  3. WhymeMom?

    WhymeMom? No real answers to life..

    Thinking of you and saying prayers, sending hugs.....each one of us has a story of what we did in our lives to help difficult child or try to get them to understand what will happen if they cannot function in a "normal" world and in the end it is always up to them to make the final decisions about their own behavior. I have no magic words to impart wisdom.....just know that what you are going thru is similar to others......doesn't give answers, but hopefully lends you some comfort.....
  4. SearchingForRainbows

    SearchingForRainbows Active Member


    You have ABSOLUTELY no reason to feel guilty!!! I'm not too good with words this morning but Beth basically said what I feel too. I think she gave you great advice. Please be easier on yourself!!!

    I know how hard it is when everything in your life seems to be coming apart at the seams. It is really important though that you recognize that it isn't your fault. As Beth said, kids don't come with an instruction manuel. in my humble opinion, you are doing the best you can without the help and support of your husband. This is a terrible position to be in. When parents aren't on the same page and difficult children know this, it makes life a zillion times worse.

    Spend some quality time with difficult child and tell him how much you love him. Celebrate his 13th birthday and enjoy your time together.

    Sending lots of hugs. WFEN
  5. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    {{{kjs}}} Sending you some supportive mommy hugs.

    It's so easy to take credit for when our kids do everything right and then blame ourselves for when they do everything wrong. It's really not fair to blame yourself for difficult child's challenges.

    The more time passes and the better I've gotten to know what makes my girls tick, the more I believe in the strong genetic component at play. Certainly, life challenges and difficult circumstances can play a role in their development, but in my opinion certain pre-existing conditions must already be present in order for them to turn out a certain way. And this is not just to make me feel better. I look at my two girls - both raised in the same house, with both H and I, both products of a divorce, both had the same neglectful bio-father, both had the normal difficulty with friends in grade school, challenges in their teen years, misunderstandings, difficult learning experiences, some great teachers, some crappy teachers, plus dealing with all three of their parents' on again off again depression and anxiety, and addictions.

    So, why has easy child's viewpoint of it all maintained an even calm and persevered and done so magnificent for herself - she's determined and focused and happy; this easy child truly perceives her childhood and life as being a great experience that she's thankful for. difficult child, on the other hand, perceives all of us as ruining her life, believing that we're to blame for all her woes, has mood swings, horrible adhd and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), tics. I have often questioned myself on the decision to put her on medications at 10 years of age. And we've experienced times without medications over the past 8 years since and I can tell you - it's chemical with her. She needs the medications and when I see her wanting to die or hurt someone and not being able to read one sentence in her book because her mind keeps wandering, then I am reassured that most of her issues have nothing to do with me. I am hopeful that when she's matured and can care for herself better she will try alternative methods but she won't now so she has to rely on her medications to get her through.

    Ironically, it was easy child who I thought would have a hard time of it all. She was diagnosed with a Learning Disability (LD) in 2nd grade and held back a year. Everyone was constantly telling us how bright difficult child was and how she was going to do fantastic academically. Well, my, how the tables turned on us! We had no way of predicting that outcome.

    We all do the best we can with what we know and under our personal circumstances, and that's what you've done. We all grow up with challenges and we adapt, we have to find a way to make our lives work despite those challenges. At some point your baby will find his way. You just keep plugging along and loving him and reaching out to him and helping him when you can, but he ultimately is responsible. And even though he has issues he's dealing with, deep down he knows the difference between right and wrong and he knows what his responsibilities are.

    I know you're carrying a heavy load today and I'm sorry, sending lots of hugs and support. Please be gentle with yourself and try to have some fun during your time spent with difficult child, like Beth said.
  6. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    Life can be hard, and my difficult child escalates when this happens. This will always happen, and they have to learn to function throughout it all if they can. My husband used to try to armchair quarterback, but it was awful. Like what you are going through, no good. I have since came to the conclusion that difficult child's treatment is something I have to be in charge of. husband cannot handle that. Interesting enough, a couple weekends ago husband went to psychiatrist and was diagnosed with BiPolar (BP) and ADHD.

    Is there anyway you can get a day shift position? It is easier when you can sleep when they are sleeping.
  7. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    There's a lot of factors for your son's misery -- none of them really yours. Fitting in in middle school is hard. It's even harder if you're younger than the rest of the gang. He'll have this problem until college, then it won't matter as much.

    Financial problems are hard on kids. Not our fault they happen, sometimes life just does us in that way. I suppose if you'd like, you can blame yourself that you lost your job, that money was tight, that it was hard but that kind of seems like taking the blame if you get cancer, have to have chemo and aren't quite the person you want to be for this period. It's part of life. LIFE HAPPENS.

    Issues occur in marriages. Sometimes they are worked out, sometimes they are not. Sounds like it is time for a talk with husband and tell him you don't deserve to shoulder all the work for raising your kids. He needs to pitch in (and that includes being the bad guy sometimes). Fighting where kids can hear it isn't great but I dare you to find me a couple who hasn't fought and the odds of the kids not knowing about it are somewhere between slim and none. Another one of those life happens things.

    If your son is asking for medications, then I'd be taking him in for testing and going through the trials to find what works without causing tics (if there is something). He obviously feels something is wrong and has seen that medications help. So, this is something that is in your control and probably should be considered.

    All in all, we can always find things to blame ourselves for. It is hard not to. For me, it is the fact that I was willing to give up my husband to have my child and she was raised fatherless because of this choice. Would she have been different, happier with a dad in the house? Who knows. There's no doubt that your family would have been happier with financial stability but that's certainly not something you could have controlled. Some people are resilient and get over this. Some even become stronger. Some use it as an excuse to fail. The same is true when parents have marital problems. I wonder how much of all of this he thinks is his fault? That may be a factor in his acting out.

    I also think getting some medications and therapy for you would be a good thing. You have so much on your plate you can't helped be stressed and sleep deprivation doesn't help. Night shifts are hard on the body and, of course, the mind. Do give yourself a break. You truly aren't causing your son's issues. They are a part of him. You're doing everything humanly possible to help him. It sounds like he is a great kid and will probably grow into a wonderful young man.

  8. Kjs

    Kjs Guest

    Questions to answer.

    difficult child began getting very angry in elementary school. He was moved from first grade to first grade (more challenging..he is bored, he is fooling around too much..getting A's)

    Second grade I had requested a certain teacher. School started, he wasn't placed anywhere. Went to see the principal (interem principal..the 4th principal since K). He was very nice, placed him in the class I had requested the prior year.
    Unfortunately E was also in that class. The two were identical.
    Teachers said they couldn't teach,(teachers admitted they were very funny, often had to leave the class to laugh) difficult child and e had the attention of the class and difficult child had to move. WAIT...E can move, I requested this class a YEAR ago.
    Mean while, counselor, suggests testing. So, difficult child is working with counselor, and school psychologist. We also are trying outside couselor again. Between laughter and anger didn't know what to do.
    I walk into school one day and the NEW principal (5th one) meets me at the door and asked if I was difficult child's mother. I said yes. She introduced herself and went on to tell me how bad difficult child is. The lunchroom complaints, the library complaints, the teachers complaints,,blah,blah. I asked her if she has ever met difficult child. Her reply..No. Ask her if she knows who he is working with and why. No. I leave. I go have lunch with difficult child. Meanwhile, ask lunch ladies about him. No problems, ever. I go to library, no problems ever. Teachers..just complaint listed above.
    Test results are in. Superior blah blah, blah. (oh we were so proud.) Principal tells us to move him to a different school. No.
    Principal wants to move him to another class. NO. difficult child goes to school, and his desk is moved to another class. Principal says, Oh, janitor must of accidentally moved it.
    School district comes in. husband, me, all school staff. Suggest moving him up to third grade. We are warned about possible social problems. WE couldn't imagine that. he is outgoing, social, gets along best with older kids. Never happen.
    3rd and 4th great years. Very ODD at home.
    5th grade. Disaster. TEacher would swear at him, push him, embarrass him. (Home issues now) Counselor says "nobody wants him". He becomes very, very angry, panic attacks. Thinks we are going to become homeless. Counselor brought him home on a Friday, he was lost. Anxiety breakdown is what I was told. Bring him to psychiatrist on a Saturday (special). He wanted to be admitted but no beds available. psychiatrist says bipolar. Puts him on mood stabalizer. Lamictal.
    Things improved greatly. Had ups and downs but so much better.
    Then you have a ten year old entering middle school. Did some not so good things to fit in.
    Then seventh more of those friends, did great for a semester then quit. did nothing. Phone would ring anywhere from 10 - 15 times a day from teachers.
    New IEP, program director wonderful. Said she doesn't see what others see. Her goal is for him to succeed and he will! wonderful.
    Eighth grade. I asked for neuropsychologist. psychiatrist finally agreed. Childrens hospital all setup. Insurance company called, Childrens hospital dropped out of network. psychiatrist's place not covered. Nobody near accepting new patients. Checked neighboring state, they accept new patience however YOU pay upfront and YOU file the insurance. Not an option. Cannot do, not possible.

    Anger seems to have dissappeared. Weaned off Lamictal per difficult child's choice. did see some withdrawls even going very very very slowly. difficult child ASKED for something for ADHD. Teachers all said he is fidgety, walks around (I don't get that. kids just walk around in the middle of teaching????)
    Teachers report to psychiatrist that he is staying on task, less fidgeting. psychiatrist increases, teachers report better.

    Now difficult child just sad. All because of me. I totally lose control every few months and say so many awful things. Even tell him he is the problem. If he only DID his school work.

    Now, for me, not only do I deal with school a zillion times a week, I check homework or he doesn't do it. Now, please understand, husband has not even so much as slept in the same room with me since difficult child was born. I have not gone out, not been hugged, not been kissed, zippo. I deal with discipline, finances, insurance, dr. appointment's, school.easy child difficult child, and work a 12 hour shift with a 30 - 40 minute commute. husband goes to work, picks up difficult child on way home and that's it. I decorate, cook, shop. Somewhere in there I take about a 4 hour nap before work.
    I cry, I am just so wanting a man in my life. i need a shoulder.
    I have not had that, no kidding,no lie for 13 years.

    I am so sorry I am whinning. I am feeling old today. If you got through this thank you for listening. If not..I needed to vent, whine, cry. I do read up on you guys. You have been the only shoulder I have had in so many years. Just to read that you all have as much to deal with as me. Some so much more. I respect and look up to all of you.
    Now, I am going to go bring my 13 year old son a birthday lunch. (still 12...I'll hold on to that until the last second) His last school day not a teen. Oh I feel old. I am going to drop off his lunch in the office. Hah..I should bring him a balloon. He would love it.
    I am having a very hard time with this. My baby a teen. I did have a hysterectomy about 5 years ago due to a tumor.

    Boy, if I am having a hard time I don't know what husband is doing. His entire life revolves around difficult child. And husband is much older than me.

    Thank you guys. I'll leave now.
  9. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Honey, you and I have GOT to get together.

    You are so depressed. You put up with treatment from your husband that you do not deserve. You and your son both need to be looked at. Your husband too, or at least a good kick in his (ask me, I'll tell ya).

    The biggest hugs in the world. You have nothing to feel guilty for. If it weren't for you, your boy would be just a-blowin' in the breeze...
  10. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    Whoa! So much for "tis the season to be jolly". It should be "tis the season for depression" fa-la-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la!

    How about "Deck the husband's" instead of "Deck the Halls"?

    My gosh, you need a break and husband needs a wake-up call! Next thing he'll be looking for a chocolate on his pillow.

    Personally, I think that husband is suffering from "Mother Syndrome". You say he hasn't slept in the same room since difficult child was born, no hugs, no kisses, no obvious signs of husband-wife affection. Sitting and expecting you to "run the show" and take care of the adult responsibilities in life. It doesn't happen all that frequently, but it's sort of a syndrome where he can't "disassociate" you from being a woman vs. being a mommy. Take a look an see if he's treating you as if you're more his mom than his wife. If you really think that this may be part of the issue, you guys need to get some counseling - both couple and individual. Once he starts to see you as his wife, things should get better.

    Either that or a remote controlled spring in his recliner that you can use to bounce his a** up and get him moving around the house.

    Plain and simple truth: YOU DESERVE BETTER!!!

    With a lot of hugs,

  11. Abbey

    Abbey Spork Queen

    Believe me, I am not the relationship expert. But, the one thing I took from my short counseling experience was to finally start speaking my mind and STOP rescueing people. You have no idea how hard this is to do for me. So, about a year ago I started. husband did NOT like it at all. (He still doesn't.) I literally told him what I was planning to do. It is a day by day process.

    Your difficult child sounds like he has a lot of positives going on his end. Figeting in class? Heck...I've had students who have my permission to stand and wander during class. I put them in the back so it doesn't bother other students, but I could care less if they need to pace. Not everyone is as sedimentary as me. :sleeping:

    After 22 years of teaching, I've seen it all. I've had the kid who doesn't do one lick of homework, yet can ace any test. You can't deny the intelligence. A good teacher's job is to help that child fit into this world...not push a useless piece of paper in every day. I still remember this kid. He had more of an impact on me than I did on him. I wanted to knock him upside the head because he was 10X more smart than me and had the know what to stand up for what he was. I had to respect that.

    I hate to say it (all teachers in the US will hate me) but come to a truce with your son. If you are confident he knows the material, ask him to do just what it takes to pass the class. In many classes...that is next to nothing. Take the argument out of the home and let him take charge.

    Finally, if you are staying in a loveless relationship because of difficult child, my heart breaks for you. Kids are not stupid. They know exactly what is going on. Sometimes it's happier being alone and in peace than being with someone who doesn't even recognize you are in the room.

  12. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    {{kjs}} Thanks for answering so many questions I had with your last post.

    I noticed that you're taking xanax. Most often, taking xanax alone can cause depression, or iow, being incapable of pulling ourselves out of the muck and mire, delegating, etc. I was on xanax for a while to help with anxiety and mild panic attacks and eventually I felt like I couldn't face another day. Finally, I spoke with my regular doctor and she put me on an anti-depressant and the change was almost instant. Within a week I felt stronger and less terminal, if you know what I mean. I think you need to see your doctor about this. Counseling will also help greatly, if you can get in to see someone, I think that would be helpful. And I know that, in and of itself, can overwhelm you because you're thinking "Great, how will I squeeze that into my already busy day?" But what most of us have found is that once you schedule that time, it becomes a gift to ourselves - something we look forward to and cherish for so many reasons.

    Getting yourself in a better frame of mind is priority right now. You will be in a better situation to assess how much your son needs you and how much he can take on himself. You can also assess where your marriage is and where you want it to be and whether or not you and H want to make a concerted effort to get there, or not. Once you're strong enough, you may decide that you're better off not bothering and leaving him. You may end up thinking that since you're doing it all anyway, you may as well have the peace of mind in knowing that you're independent and available to be loved again by someone who is worthy of you.

    I think all marriages have their awful lonely moments and raising all kids, in particular difficult child's, can really s.u.c.k all the energy and intimacy from a relationship - even a strong one. How many of us here can attest to that, right? I know that my marriage has suffered greatly; I am hoping that one day when we're finally alone again, we can find one another again. There are no guarantees but I'm not ready to give up just yet.

    You deserve to be in a marriage which shares the good times as well as the bad; one in which everything is a shared effort. There will always be times when one partner is shouldering the mother load of the burden, but for the most part, it needs to be a shared effort to function properly. If you are the only one doing everything and you feel yourself coming apart at the seams, it's time to take a step back and stop doing it all.

    I fully agree with Abbey about telling dson to do what is necessary to pass his stinking classes. After years of battling with my difficult child it finally boiled down to one thing: Just Pass The Class....Just Graduate. It became less and less important to me that she had good grades or impressed her teachers and way more important to me that she passed all her classes even if it was with a D grade; and I wanted her to enjoy at least part of her schoolday; and finally, graduate and get the heck out of there!! It should not be such a struggle day in and day out - it's simply not that important, in my opinion. Some people are not meant to be in academic situations. Granted, by law they do have to go to school until they are at least 16, but as long as they pass, that's enough. I'm not saying give up, but definitely, cut back on the battle. There is also the fact that natural consequences often have a better result than all the yelling, struggling, classroom changing and punishments in the world.

    You're lashing out at difficult child and yourself because you're in a bad place. Please see your doctor and let them know what has been going on and ask for some help. I really think you need something to counterbalance the xanax. Hugs~and keep posting so we know how you're doing.
  13. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    Hon, you don't need a man IN your life, you need a man OUT of your life. He needs to either start being a husband and a father or find the door. The life you're leading is ridiculous.

    Okay, I was one of those of kids who could ace an exam without doing a bit of homework. My teachers were lucky if I even opened the book. By high school, I actually met with my teachers before the school year started. I would tell them that I had too much to do (sports, working, helping take care of ill father) to worry about homework. So, unless it was truly what my grade was going to based upon, I wasn't doing it. (Yes, I was a pretty assertive young lady!) They could give me my grade based on tests results. If a teacher told me that I WOULD do the homework or flunk out, I simply went to the dean and switched classes until I found a teacher who would work with me. Granted, it didn't make me too popular with the teachers but it was my survival. Most would be agreeable due to the sympathy factor since my father really was ill. In case you're wondering, I graduated with a 4.0 and was class salutorian even given my attitude.

    Being bright and bored in school stinks. It is hard to get motivated to do something when you already know and understand it. You just flat out feel you're wasting your time and energy -- time and energy that could be put to much better use. Your son sounds like he is very much in that boat. I don't think skipping grades is the answer -- it just causes the child to be a social outcast. What does seem to work best for kids like yours and me is classes that are based on ability rather than grade. I don't know if any of your school choices offer that option, but it might be worth looking into.

    As to saying horrible things to him, I'm surprised you don't say or do more. You are horribly sleep deprived. Your marriage seemed to end when he was born. You have a horrendous schedule with a tremendous amount of pressure. You need help!!!! Not just physically, but emotionally. Either husband steps up to the plate and starts doing more to take care of you and yours or have him leave. Believe it or not, it is possible to survive without a man in your life and, sometimes, it is even easier.

  14. Abbey

    Abbey Spork Queen

    <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: meowbunny</div><div class="ubbcode-body">Hon, you don't need a man IN your life, you need a man OUT of your life. He needs to either start being a husband and a father or find the door. The life you're leading is ridiculous.

    Being bright and bored in school stinks.


    Best advice ever.

  15. Kjs,

    Please put that guilt on the shelf for the time being. Remember that we all come into this world as a total package and with a strong genetic imperative. This is true for both you and difficult child. He would be who he is , no matter where he is. I totally agree with BBK - it sounds like you have been of tremendous help to him. You are such a strong advocate for him!

    Know, that like us all, you are only human. Please accept some gentle hugs that are coming your way!
  16. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest


    You're bringing home the bacon AND frying it up in the pan and H keeps reaching around behind you and turning off the stove. He needs to step up or get out. Period. He's a hindrance, not a help - and to difficult child as well as to you.

    Now, take a big, deep breathe. You seem to listen to everyone but yourself. What do YOU want? What do YOU feel works for difficult child?

    I would tell the school that unless difficult child is violent, to stop calling. If they can't deal with a child that paces, forgets his pencil or fidgets then they are in the wrong field. Seriously. The school is abusing you. If they keep calling, quit answering - let it go to voicemail. If the message doesn't start out with, "difficult child cold-cocked..." then I would delete it without listening. Eventually, they'll get the message.

    At 13, difficult child's homework is his responsibility. If he doesn't do it, his problem. Not yours. I would tell the school THAT, too. Some of our kids - a lot of them, it seems - have to learn the hard way. If the teachers won't allow him to not do homework, then HE will have to deal with the consequences. Not you. You have done everything within your power to impress upon difficult child the importance of it and have made him do it. At this age, he *knows*, it's just not a priority. Maybe if he has to repeat a class or two, it will become one. It's not the end of the world to repeat a class. If the school tries to lay this on you, tell them, "I have done everything I can to get difficult child to do his homework. I can no longer have that battle every day. Further, at 13 he has to take responsibility for himself. The consequences lie with difficult child, not me." And let it go.

    Stop trying to make everyone happy. A saint couldn't do that. And neither can you. And in the end, you're making yourself miserable while trying to please everyone else. YOU are the only one that has to live with you. And YOU deserve to be happy, too. Do what is best for you and for difficult child. If others don't like it, tell them where they can go.

  17. Kjs

    Kjs Guest

    I struggle with all these issues, I know that. husband...I KNOW he needs help. LOTS of it. Just when I have made up my mind, decide what I want, I start thinking.

    husband had no parents. Mother left when he was 3. Father was an abusive alcoholic who beat him and his brother. His father remarried, had two girls and left when the girls were 1 and 2. husband was 8. He didn't understand, and still doesn't understand why she left and didn't take him. Instead, she left him there to be beat. (brother was older and left the country).

    When husband was a young teen, his father died in a one car drunken accident. husband lived with friends and finished school. So, everytime I have had enough...I think that he had no role model. He doesn't know how to be a husband. He goes out of his way to do anything difficult child wants, and I believe it is because of what he never had. But for me, I need a husband.

    He has never seen his half sisters again. 46 years. He tried to contact one of the girls a few years ago. Asked about their mother. He really loved her. The girl wrote back and said she would never mention his name to her mother, it would only bring back horrible memories. Did not want further contact. husband cried. He just didn't understand. He was just a young boy. I tried to tell him back then she COULDN'T take him. He wasn't hers.

    So, when I do get fed up, when I do say what I want, I feel guilty. Then the circle just starts over.

    Counseling. husband wouldn't do it. Tried it once. Medication, husband wouldn't do it. Won't take anything. He can hardly walk due to knee problems and won't have surgery, won't take anything accept advil. I quit worrying about that. I told him he is a big boy. If he wants to get help with his knees, or himself, HE has to make and keep the appointments. I am sick of making appointments and having him cancel.

    I thank you for your thoughts and advice. Your strength is felt and is very helpful.

    Thank you
  18. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    You've gotten some good advice and I've always been a single parent so my opinion might be in left field. But... what you've been dealing with sounds like it's much worse than being a single parent to me. So, I think I would spend time with difficult child- hanging out, talking, doing something special, etc., to make memorable times for both of you and making sure he's secure that you're always going to be there for him and love him. I think I'd talk to difficult child just a little to let him know that you need some things in your own life, too. Then, I'd have a heart-to-heart with husband and say "you're not a husband, you're not a dad, you not a part of the solution to any issues here, so, (if you love him) either start being these things or I'm going on with my life without you." (Mind you, I'm not suggesting leaving or having an affair.) I am suggesting that you spend less time around husband if he's not going to rise to the occassion. Either spend time with difficult child being Mom, or spend time on yourself being Woman. Let husband see you re-do your bedroom- make it ALL YOURS. Dress up very "womanly" and go out for a while. Spend time with some friends or take yourself out to dinner. Don't even invite husband. Just make sure difficult child understands, you are not leaving the "family"- you and difficult child are the family. husband is not being a part of the family. Then, if this makes the relationship worse, I'd pack up husband's stuff and politely set them in the front yard.

    I'm so ticked at this guy right now, after hearing all you've put up with, that I'd like to come do this for you then take you and our difficult child's to a movie or something!! I know you probably don't want to take husband away from difficult child's life, but what kind of role model is he being here? Is he really contributing anything to difficult child's life? It's not like difficult child would never be able to see him again anyway.

    Well, sorry, I think I've crossed a line to trying to get you to do something that is none of my business and I don't want to do that. You have to do what is right for you and difficult child. But, certainly, don't feel guilty. You've been the one doing EVERYTHING so yes, maybe some mistakes have been made along the way, maybe husband has only made one mistake in the last 13 years as compared to several mistakes you might have made. But his mistake is emotionally leaving you and not being a real father to his child. So, let yourself off the hook!!!