Make It Stop Please!

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Hound dog, Mar 3, 2009.

  1. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I'm not so sure if this is a vent or a really long whine.

    As many of you know, this has been my quarter from h*ll. Ok, so I supposed everyone is gonna have at least one. But I want it to STOP already!!!

    Went on a shopping run with easy child this afternoon. Came home from a pleasant outting with easy child, Darrin, and new baby Brandon.............To get a panicked call from husband that the ambulance was on it's way to pick up his Mom. I was to meet him at the hospital.

    Being a man, he feels it's necessary to repeat this to me several times in 3 successive phone calls. While I was attempting to make calls I had to make in order to meet him at the ER. This is one of the nights I watch Aubrey while Nichole goes to class. So I had to call her to let her know what was going on. Then I had to call easy child and tell her so she could run me to the hospital because I knew she'd want to be there.

    Now all husband told me was that mother in law fell. This is a 95 yr old woman, people. The image of her falling had me and easy child going thru every worst scenerio imaginable.:surprise:

    So, when we get there...........And we've done this enough times that ER staff know not to mess with me, just point me to her ER room......... I ask her what happened.

    She had gotten up at 3am to go to the commode next to her bed. She fell. (doesn't know why) And she doesn't have the strength to pull herself back up. So.......She laid there remembering her Life Alert call button is lying in the middle of the bed because she won't wear the d*mn thing. So she tries to pull the covers off in hopes of pulling it down. She got the comforter, but no LA button.

    Panic made her need to pee. Her bladder gave out. She tried to clean it up with the blanket. She still couldn't get up, or pull up because she wasn't strong enough. She began to get cold because she turns her heat down at night to save money and all she has on is a silk nightgown.

    Time passes. Her bladder cuts loose again. She's shivering and so cold she can't stand it. So she crawls at a snails pace over the the heating vent across the room in hopes of warming up. It didn't help, it mostly blows out cold air. Now frozen to the bone from the blast of cold air from the heating duct, she ooooches back to where her bladder cut loose before, and it does it again. This was so she woudn't make a new stain on the carpet.


    She laid there freezing, wet in urine, on the floor for 12 HOURS. 3am until 3pm. Her housekeeper on a whim had decided to call her and ask her something. When she'd tried 3 times with no answer, she called her husband at work and had him meet her at mother in law's house. Since mother in law gave her a key, she discovered mother in law on the floor and called the ambulance and husband, who fortunately had just walked in the door from work.

    By some miracle she did not break anything. Although she's gonna have one hellova shiner tomorrow morning. She got to the ER at 3:30 pm and didn't get to a room until 8:30 pm.....and was still shivering with cold. :(

    ER doctor told her that it is just too dangerous for her to go home. She can barely walk. And this is her 3rd fall. mother in law ripped ER doctor a new one. She's a stubborn one. But when the doctor stepped out.......I told mother in law that it's true, it is too dangerous for her to go back home. She said she couldn't afford a nursing home or assisted living. I told her she can, there are ways. I told her she nixed the idea of reversed morgage to pay her way into the assisted living before I really even got to look into it. Told her none of her kids want the house anyway. She'd bought it in case she'd need to sell it in the future for medical care to begin with. And that time has come.

    She said we'd talk about it later.:faint:

    Talked to husband's brother and his wife on the phone. They agree. It's come to a head and now we can't let her play the stubborn card anymore. They're discussing how quickly they can get up here from Virgina. brother in law has medical power of atternony (sp) and may be forced to use it.

    Breaks my heart. Makes me furous. And worries me to death. I love my mother in law probably more than my own mother, she certainly has been more of a mother to me than my bio Mom in the past 25+ yrs.

    Travis was actually just getting ready to walk over to mother in law's when we got the call. But what if housekeeper hadn't called on a whim? What if Travis hadn't planned to go over? What if it had been 3 days instead of 12 hours!!!

    OMG it makes me physically sick to think of this amazingly wonderful kind hearted soul lying there like that for all that time, cold, hurt and helpless.

    She is supposed to call me daily but doesn't. I try to call her, but with my chaotic life I loose track of time. Heck, it's been a month since we took Brandon to see her and to me it was just a couple of days ago.

    *loooooooooong sigh*

    This ontop of Nichole's illnesses and surgeries.....the new baby being born........and a half dozen other things........OMG, it just needs to stop already!:mad: Too much in too short a period of time.

    I feel like screaming to God tonight, "Look Bud, I'm just one freakin person, ok?? Lay OFF already!"

    But then he already knows that.:(:whiteflag:
  2. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    I feel your pain. Different problems, but same issue here. I feel like I am at the bottom of a mudslide and barely keeping my head above. Hugs, and hang in there. I hear it gets better.
  3. Lothlorien

    Lothlorien Active Member Staff Member

    How horrible for her. What a very sad situation for all of you. It's definitely time for a change for her living situation.

    My grandmother fell after having a stroke and laid there all day. That night, my aunt finally went over to see why she hadn't been answering the phone. She had a massive stroke. If she had life alert back then or an assisted living(this was in the early 80's), she may have recovered, but sadly, her condition deterioated over several months and she didn't recover. Technology is so much better now. There are assisted living and other alternatives that weren't available then like they are now.

    Take a deep breath.
  4. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    Yes, I think you have someone else's plate along with your own.
    You are doing way too much. But it is one of those things, how do you even begin to stop, or get help? Who would even help?
    Far to many people rely on you, and you are a saint for trudging through day in and day out.
    I am so sorry you School is suffering as well, may the quarter end fast! With good grades.

    I hope your mother in law continues to improve. What a scary ordeal.
  5. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    How scary for all of you!

    My Nana died at home (at 92), but wasn't found for nearly two days. Her housekeeper couldn't get in, called a cousin, who tore the screen door off to get in. She was a stubborn old farm woman, and it was getting to the point where her living situation was going to have to change, and she didn't want it to. I understand.
  6. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Oh, Lisa, I am so sorry! I know how hard it is to know she was on the floor, shivering with cold, for 12 hours!

    It is also hard to deal with the stubborn attitude and strong desire to stay in her own home. My great grandma was moved into a nursing home after a fall and a long period laying in pain on the floor in her home. She was almost 100 and told us for years that if she had to move into a "home" she would die.

    I know this is all taking a toll on school. I can relate. Have you thought about taking incompletes this semester and finishing the coursework next semester? It might put your plans off a semester, but you could finish up in the peace and quiet of having Nichole and Aubrey in their own home. Many schools are VERY understanding when things like this happen to non-traditional students. I know. I had one semester that I was pregnant and had to withdraw with an incomplete in all classes because I went into pre-term labor. I was allowed to go back to school the next fall (I wasn't ready in the Spring) about 1 month before the point I withdrew.

    I had another semester with 8 weeks of bedrest and then a miscarriage. I was BLESSED with friends in class that brought me GOOD notes and worked with me on projects in my living room so I would be able to stay in school.

    What I am trying to say is that the Dean of the Department for these classes, and the teachers, are often VERY willing to work with you when things like this happen. This has been a truly terrible semester, and rather than see you drag down your GPA, get overwhelmed and depressed, it would be better to talk with your professors (and the Dept. Heads or Dean if needed) and take an incomplete.

    It is just a suggestion. Please bear in mind my mom was one of the top advisors at our University and she often talked to me about various situations. So I am not approaching this with just a college graduate mentality. I have seen the professors' and the university's side of this also.

    Much love, and wishes for a smooth transition with your mother in law.

  7. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    As an alternative to going into assisted care, would she NOW agree to wear the emergency button? You have good leverage now, you could make it clear that she has run out of chances and MUST always wear that button. If she had had the button round her neck, she could have got help immediately and not risked pneumonia.

    mother in law is stubborn like tihs, I know she will refuse to go into a nursing home. She also would refuse to wear a button, but I know if it was the last resort before having to go to a nursing home, she would wear it.

    There are things you can do, as an alert (even if she won't wear a call button). Similar tricks to ones they use in banks, to alert incoming staff that there is a bank robbery in progress. What are her usual morning habits? Does she always raise the blinds at a certain time? Can you alert a neighbour to watch for the blinds to go up by a certain time? Failure for the blinds to be raised can be a signal to go check on her. Another trick is a daily phone call (or twice-daily) at set times. The call needn't be to you guys, it can be arranged between her and other friends. Failure to make the call = go check on her.
    Then there is the call button which she should now wear at all times. If she agrees - do spot checks. Warn her she has had her last chance.

    Bad as she is at the moment, she could still stay out of nursing home if she now agrees to cooperate instead. Get an Occupational Therapist (OT) to assess her home to reduce the chance of her falling again. Mats can be made more non-slip, for example. Plus she perhaps needs to re-think some of her economies, in order to increase her chances of living independently for as long as possible. If the house had been warmer or she had been wearing warmer pyjamas, her bladder wouldn't have had to cut loose so much (exposure to cold reduces your pituitary's production of vasopressin, in much the same way as alcohol intake does; therefore exposure to cold make you pee a lot more).

    Maybe while she is in hospital you can get the social worker to talk some sense into her, about the ways in which she MUST now cooperate if she wants to stay independent for a little longer.

  8. Star*

    Star* call 911


    My heart goes out to your wonderful, independent mother in law. I know that someday we'll all face this scenario either with our own parents, spouses or selves - but I cant' imagine what goes through the mind of a woman like her in a time like this. I think it must just make her feel broken. I wish I had some great words - but getting old is just a 5 letter word. The worst part of it is -your brain stays young and has to endure watching your body NOT do what the mind tells it to. I can imagine your silent scream.

    As far as asking God something? The last time I did what you did? I came home to find my son at the neighbors because x was "out" drugging, the basement was at the beginning stages of the 100 year flood and my entire kitchen, family room and all my pictures were floating (this after a house fire 1 yr. prior), my sons new puppy was literally swimming in the hallway to the 1st floor trying to get to the steps and dry land...and I just stood there in disbelief. I walked out in the rain, lighting and winds..sat down in the grass and started pulling it up by the roots, throwing it at the sky & telling Him I couldn't take any more, to just knock it off. I was so angry. One week to the day my house was struck by lightining -twice, and burned to the ground - we lost everything but the shirts on our backs and of course luckily our lives.

    For that reason alone - I never ask "What Else?" - because I know what sassing got me. lol.

    I'll keep you in my best thoughts today - and hope for the best solution to all your problems.

  9. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Susie I'll drop my classes if it comes to that.........or take incompletes. But with only 2 weeks to go......I'm hesitant. I've got a B in Math, at least a C in philosophy (unless I flunked that last essay) and a A or B going in sociology. So I'm not failing.....yet. By some miracle.

    Star.......Yeah, I know what you mean by "sassing" the man upstairs. Which is why I didn't do that...instead, I just thought about it. lol He's taught me a lesson or two myself, unfortunately.:faint:

    Marg, we tried the Occupational Therapist (OT) thing the last time. It didn't work. mother in law's house is as safety proof as it can possibly get. She doesn't qualify for in home care via medicare and can't afford it on her own. Already tried that too. She will promise to wear the alert button, then won't do it. She will promise to call, but won't follow thru. While she is awfully "together" for 95, she is also awfully forgetful and it's getting worse with each passing month. She is dropping weight fast.....I suspect she's in too much pain from her severely arthritic hips to move much.......and she already has to potty a million times a is skipping meals just because it's just too painful to prepare. The bath they gave mother in law this morning was her first since her last admit to hospital about 6 months ago. Her full size bath is upstairs. She can't manage the stairs. So she sponge bathes......and not very well I might add.

    And now I am more than ready to skin her bleeping bleeping fam doctor alive.:mad: Yesterday I didn't know that her hip was horribly bruised. Ortho doctor checked on her today and ordered an MRI of her hip because her arthritis is so severe he couldn't tell on xray if she'd broken it. Now evidently mother in law had a hissy fit and refused the MRI. So fam doctor cancelled the order without even freaking consulting the family!!!:mad: This man already rubs me wrong. Last time she was admitted he was supposed to give her a DNR card. He didn't. Mr. I Think I'm God says they can call him and he'll tell them she's DNR. When we tell him we know neither paramedics nor hospital staff are going to stop in the middle of a code to call her doctor.........We get a holier than thou attitude.

    He's going to get an earful this evening. Both from easy child and myself. Because unless mother in law has that MRI, there is no way in hades she's leaving that hospital cuz I'm not taking her anywhere!!!! mother in law will be told this as well. She is not going home to hobble on a broken hip. mother in law is having a fit because she hasn't even gotten up since they brought her to hospital. Staff feels she's too weak and in too much pain and won't try it. So she doesn't even know if she CAN walk!

    And no, I haven't been there as yet today. I'm meeting husband there with easy child in about 2 hours. I'm supposed to be sleeping. I have not slept at all last night or today. My kidneys are in a major uproar. I've got the mega spasms from hades going on along with reg pain. Which means at best, they're probably blocked. I've been reduced to taking Nichole's pain medications. Can't go to ER.....the wait is outragious at both nearby hospital. And can't get in to see a doctor because I'm trying to oversee this carp with mother in law. easy child has the knowledge......but mother in law won't listen to her because she still thinks of her as a child. husband can't do it because mother in law will tell him to go straight to hades and he'l back off. But mother in law knows I"m more stubborn than she is and won't usually fight me. And she knows I give it to her straight, and love her enough that I'm only thinking about what is best for her.

    I didn't make it to class today due to no sleep and pain. I didn't get homework turned in last night.....or even to work on it due to mother in law, pain, and trying to fill in husband's brother and wife so we can come up with a plan of action.

    So I'm taking Nichole's pain medications and hoping to hold off my own emergency until I can at least know what's up with mother in law and what we're gonna do. I don't like it, but that's the way it's got to be for the moment. Once I get mother in law settled, I'll take care of me. And if, God forbid, I need surgery, I'll drop my classes and just make them up later.

    As for help? easy child and husband are honestly trying to help as much as they can, even Nichole is pitching in. brother in law and sister in law are trying to make arrangements to get up here......They're currently trying to rent a car to drive up and help.

    I know mother in law is terrified of going into assisted living or the nursing home. And I'm worried assisted living is not going to take her now as she has deteriorated in mobility that much in the past months. I understand her fear and I truly empathize. (she's afraid of being at the mercy of strangers) BUT that is far better than lying on the floor for days, slowly dehydrating, becoming hypothermic, and starving to death.:(

    Alright. Popping another pain medication and gonna try again to take a nap before going up to hospital.
  10. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It


    I didn't realize you only had 2 more weeks to go. but with mother in law and the fact that she will only listen to you, the fam doctor being an idiot (get a DNR card from the hospital before they release her! Advance directives can also be done there with help from the staff), and blocked kidneys, you simply MUST cut something out.

    If mother in law goes home can she get Meals on Wheels or another meal service from the hospital? I know my great aunt in Lima had a service that brought her 14 meals a week that she could just heat up. They were pretty good too. I think they were even priced cheaper than her normal grocery bill AND they were following the diet the doctor recommended. If there was one she didn't like they kept track of that and didn't send that meal again.

    Has mother in law been evaluation'd for Alzheimers or other diseased that cause memory problems? Hardening of the arteries is one, but I think there is another, not sure. But this might be a good time to get her screened, while she is already scheduled for the MRI and is in the hospital.

    PLEASE take care of that kidney!!! If nothing else CALL your reg doctor about it and explain you know what it is and simply cannot come in right now due to finals and mother in law in the hospital and child just had surgery. Surely they will be able to help you out if you promise to come in after finals or if it gets worse.

    Remember, if you don't take care of YOU, you won't be there to help Nichole or easy child or mother in law or even get that degree you really want.

    Just nagging because I care.

  11. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    OK, you go tell mother in law what she won't hear form anyone else - and make darn sure you tell her just how much you're having to put your own health issues on the backburner, because she WON'T listen to other people! She doesn't want to be a bother - but she is making her own life much more difficult and making yours far more painful right now than it should be. You should be dealing with your own studies, you should be getting your health attended to (don't leave a potential kidney problem, it's nasty, I've been there and got dangerously ill, requiring surgery and several years' recuperation).

    So don't you become mother in law either.

    If she won't get herself out of bed, she will rapidly lose the ability to live on her own. Sounds like she's blown her chances with the call button, too. And if she's not eating - we're beginning to get this with our mother in law, it's partly too much pain ad a lot of it 'can't be bothered, I don't feel like eating it now I've cooked it.'

    Re your kidney - if you can at the very least drop in a sterile mid-stream urine specimen so your doctor can send it off for pathology, or even dipstick it to look for blood & protein, it will help. It shouldn't take you too long to read mother in law the riot act. And while you're shouting at her GP, get HIM to check you out. He may be an arrogant ***%& but surely he's a competent doctor?

    That way it should at least save you time.

    A thought.

  12. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Lisa...Im so sorry. I can feel for you on so many fronts. We went through this several times. Once with Tonys grandma who was 90 when we had to have her placed in a nursing home because it just wasnt safe for her at home anymore. She hated us for that but her house was unsafe.

    Then, we had my mom with the alzheimers and all that that entailed.

    And last but not least was my stint in rehab where they really thought that they might have to find me a nursing home. Oh heck no! There was no way in hades I was going into a facility this Now I really do plan on being in one eventually but 47? Uh....NO!!!! I think that was the point I knew how very bad off I was and boy did it scare me. Not go home? Omg. That is something you dont want to ever be told. I can understand why it upsets the elderly so badly. All their freedom, choices, plans are taken away.
  13. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    My friend's parents were very obstinate about going into any sort of care, to the point where neither of them were looking after themselves but nothing could be done until acrisis (such as what you're dealing with now). But at that point, they swung into action. They had a fall together. Her dad broke his hip, her mother was bruised but otherwise could have been allowed home except that she couldn't look after herself. As they were separated at the hospital, he to go to X-ray and be admitted, she (the mother) threw a tantrum and had to be sedated. She was admitted to a locked psychiatric ward where they discovered she was malnourished, alcoholic (she had been using alcohol to deal with the physical pain as well as the emotional strain of a husband with Alzheimer's). After a week she was well-fed, off te grog and ready to be released - but not permitted to go home alone, because she was also almost blind and unable to care for herself. So she was admitted to hostel care in a retirement village. It had a nursing home attached to it where they eventually moved the husband (my friend's father) but by this time his hip wasn't healing and he had forgotten even more. He died a month after the fall, but my friend's mother lived in the hostel for the next four years, complaining a lot at first but with much more freedom than she had experienced for a long time. it was ironic - but in the hostel, she had meals taken care of, she had someone to check on her to see if she was OK, but otherwise she could go visiting, go on outings, go stay with family if she wanted, and always had her own space. They were still keeping a close eye on her. She had to give up smoking as well as drinking, she would con other residents into buying cigarettes or alcohol for her. So her daughter and the matron of the place had to control her money as well, very tightly, and watch her like a hawk to make sure she didn't get other people to slip her what she shouldn't have.

    But hostel retirement living was for her a really good alternative to nursing home.

  14. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    You sure do need and deserve a break. Praying that things ease up soon. Please take good care of you.
  15. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    Wow, it's been a rough few weeks there hasn't it. I'm so sorry. I know what a toil it took on all of us when husband's dad and then his mom had incapacitating strokes. Like your mother in law they didn't want to use all their money for care, but had too much to qualify for anything. husband and sister in law ended up caring for them for 10 years before they passed away.