Making It Through The Holidays-What are you doing?

Fran

Former desparate mom
We had to adjust our Thanksgiving since easy child is working and going to college. I gave up the big Thanksgiving and we go to a Thanksgiving buffet. It's not perfect but I'm grateful to have my boys with me. I don't care about anything else. Gratitude makes changes easier.
This year everyone but easy child will be at my house for Christmas. We have had Christmas without all of my family. It's nice enough but it isn't the same. I'll get through all the work because I'm happy and glad they will be here this year. Gratitude makes the work go smoother.
I also tell myself that it's only 3 days. I can get through anything for 3 days. LOL. My sisters and brother are pretty funny and I can delegate. : ) I'm the oldest.
 

KTMom91

Well-Known Member
We're having TDay dinner at my mom's. Miss KT and I will be at Target at 4 am on Friday to watch people, and do a little shopping, then we're going to Hubby's sister's new house for dinner. She called today and asked me to bring dessert...for 20.

I'll be doing my usual baking for Christmas gifts, and since my canine focus group loved the dog biscuits, I'm adding those in. Complete with dipping and sprinkles. Those gourmet cookie-looking ones are outrageously expensive! I've also been trolling thrift shops...a new one opened recently, and I found a gift for mother in law. She collects all things Coca-Cola, and I found a set of 6 glasses with the bear on them. I was thrilled!
 

DammitJanet

Well-Known Member
Fran...3 days sounds doable...this 5 and a half sounds like torture!

The last 2 times I have been up there I have come home hurt. I am so worried about that because I am hurt now and I dont know that I can get a ortho appointment before we go or if I can get one, the doctor can do a doggone thing for me till after the holidays. I think I have torn a ligament in my right knee stepping in a hole and twisting it about a week ago. I can hardly walk with any pressure on that leg. This means I cant go up and down any steps so I cant go up his stairs to get to a bedroom so no actual bed to sleep in, leaves the couch. 5 nights on an uncomfortable couch...ugh. No sleep basically for 5 nights. Lovely.
 

Hound dog

Nana's are Beautiful
Janet, I repeat, You and Tony can come visit me for the holidays. lol

OUCH that torn ligament sounds awfully painful. Could you drop a major hint to the boys you'd like 5 days in a hotel for xmas??
 

gcvmom

Here we go again!
We had an early TG dinner at my difficult child-sister in law#2's house on Sunday. I managed to survive thanks to I-forget-how-many glasses of merlot. :wine:

This Thursday we are going to my mom's for TG for the first time in... maybe 15 years? 20? She quit hosting it because my difficult child-dad would having meltdowns and then would go "hide" in his computer room, leaving her to do all the work and all the socializing. It was way too stressful for her. Now that he's gone, she finally feels free to open her home to her extended family -- and I know she's excited :) She's asked us to bring bocci ball so we all can play. Her sister in law came over to help her clean and get things tidied up yesterday. She's got the menu all planned, seating sorted out (she's got a small house and there will be 14 of us), and I think she is just delighted to be having her first holiday without the specter of my dad's mental illness tainting the day. It will be fun, but it will also be sad for me. I'm having a really hard time today realizing that my crazy dad won't be with us anymore and it's ironically painful.

I hope that my grief does not become overwhelming during the holidays this year. I'm going to try to stay on top of it and make sure I ask for help sooner rather than allowing things to slowly and almost imperceptibly worsen until I finally realize how bad they are. That happened a few years ago, and last year I finally tweaked my medications when I noticed things starting to slip in October. I had a much better holiday season because I didn't ignore the early warning signs.
 
Last edited:

klmno

Active Member
I will be getting some boxes unpacked, I hope, and paperwork organized. I will be alone. again, thru the holiday season and I'm sad about that. However, I am thankful to have a job and a new life that I'm beginning. I also hope to get caught up on updating addresses, etc. difficult child is doing well and we have another chance to get things right, or at least better, with his release next year so another opportunity is always a blessing.

I won't cook a traditional Thanksgiving day meal just for myself but I did pick up a turkey breast to cook for those big wonderful sandwiches I love so much! And I will make some chilli to eat and then freeze smaller containers of leftovers to eat on the weekend between trips out of town for work.

As far as clutter in anyone's house- I'd suggest a photo and ad on craigslist- you'd be surprised what people will pay for and come to pick up at your convenience. It helps put a few bucks in your pocket and cleaning out closets at the same time!
 

Hound dog

Nana's are Beautiful
Ok. Our TDay dinner will work like this..............except it's friday not TDay because easy child has to work.

easy child has baked 2 pumpkin pies and several pumpkin rolls. She's making sweet potatoes, mashed potatoes, she has the cranberry sauce.......and I think she did brownies. (she's our hostess) Nichole and boyfriend are making green bean cassarole (2) and creasant rolls. I'm making 2 broccoli cassaroles, sweat potatoes, the turkey, a ham, the stuffing, the gravy, and cresant rolls. Hey! How did that happen?? lol

Katie and family are riding down with Nichole in her Jeep. Nichole's boyfriend and Aubrey will come down in his car. They're arriving early so Katie can switch out some clothes for warmer ones. We're eating at easy child's so that the kids will have her big playroom full of toys to play in before the meal is served. Then it's eat until you drop before Nichole has to whisk katie and family back to the shelter before the 4:30pm dead line. ugh
 

flutterby

Fly away!
difficult child and I had Thanksgiving this past Sunday at my mom's with easy child and A. For difficult child and I, it was horrible. Won't go into details, but I spent about 45 minutes in the bathroom crying - and then, of course, totally humiliated. difficult child felt about the same.

I don't like Thanksgiving anyway. That certainly didn't help.

On Thanksgiving day we are going to E's - difficult child 2's mom. That should be fun.

I *love* Christmas, but am still trying to figure out how I'm going to be able to buy anything this year. I have a couple of small items - gemstones - that I might put up on Ebay. It won't be much, but it's something. difficult child knows and understands, but that doesn't make it any easier on me. Also, easy child won't be here for Christmas this year. There were years he was at his dad's on Christmas, but we always had his Christmas when he came home. That won't be happening. I'm really struggling with that. Christmas day will be just me and difficult child.

Maybe once I get the tree up, which I plan on doing Friday, I'll feel better.
 

DammitJanet

Well-Known Member
Flutter...just because difficult child is a teen doesnt mean you cant apply for the christmas programs. Do it. You have just as much need as anyone else.
 

Hound dog

Nana's are Beautiful
Janet is right Flutter. I did it one year when mine were teens. It helped quite a bit. Sorry the holiday with your mom stunk. ((hugs))
 

DammitJanet

Well-Known Member
Ya know, Sometimes its hard to admit that we need help when we have been fortunate enough to not need it. When I was growing up, my classmates and my family were the people who did the helping. I remember the fun we had when one of the clubs I was in back in HS picked a family and did a fantastic Xmas for this family. I still remember that families story well. Widowed father, 3 boys, one girl. The club split the family up and between different members and we all did different things. I got one boy. We went through all the used board games I had received over the years that were like brand new because lets face it, why get board games for an only child...lol. We gave them to the family. Then my mom and I went out and bought like 4 new toys for him and 3 or 4 new outfits in his size plus a coat and mittens. Other kids did the same for the other kids and two kids got the father. Then we all got together to buy food for them. We all piled in to several cars and delivered the stuff. It was so awesome. I think it meant more to us than it did to them to be honest. It was probably my best Xmas memory as a child. I have no clue what I got that year but I remember what I did for that family.

Little did I know that in the years to come that my family would be on the other end. I have received help a couple of times. The first year Billy's father left someone put our name in. I was truly amazed. Never even expected it.

Several years later when my boys were little, agencies we worked with tossed our names in and I was extremely grateful. It really helped.

People who give, want it to go to people who will appreciate it. Giving is part of the season.
 

Star*

call 911........call 911
Well.......

I can't be with any of my family this year AGAIN......

I don't have a vehicle that will make it to Ohio, Dude can't come here because ......well 20 years in prison isn't a reality either.

I can't even finish school because they MOVED the school 1.5 hours away and in order to graduate to get my CDL I have to drive 1/5 hours every day to get practice and I have TWO jobs waiting making RIDICULOUS amounts of money - Did I mention ONE was in OHIO?

My house is a shamble and needs repairs from 10 years ago.

DF's health is not good and getting worse.

HOWEVER.................

EVERY DAY - I wake up and I think....I can only do today as good as I can do...I'm not alone, I wasn't born stupid, it's not the end of the world - and with grace I will figure this out and everything happens in it's own time for a reason so STOP freaking out about it and just let it be - DO WHAT YOU CAN and be happy in the knowledge that you have THAT ability.

So -----

I went through every single room - and closet and drawer and shed and had a yard sale over 2 months ago - netted about $500
Went to the flea market every weekend - netted about $400 for 2 weekend Saturdays

I found nice stuff In my house and put it on Craigslist - Cleaned it, made sure to print any missing directions from the internet - and met people 1/2 way for $5.00 more in gas. INSTEAD of coming to my house.

THIS helped pay my bills since.................My unemployment got cut, my food stamps got cut and the local food banks ran out of food.

I mean when it rains it pours - but I have a smile that is my umbrella - right? RIGHT.

I'm not standing down here yelling BRING IT ON GOD - but I'm also not going to stand here and fall apart now after all the stuff I've been through the last 20 with difficult child, my x, my life - I learned SOMETHING from it - so now is the time to apply it.

Sooo I also got on the internet and found out HOW and WHO is helping in my area with paying bills and I contacted them -

With the help here from suggestions posted on this very board - I got HEALTH CARE (thanks Susie*) for $20 - and now I'm in a program to get glasses and exam for $35 - still haven't gotten the call but I'm on the list.

I got my home HVAC replaced and insulation blown into my attic - and an energy audit done - because mine blew up this last June - remember? (thanks to my Mom finding a program almost 2 years ago)

Dude - while not in the best of circumstances with Daddy Disney (and it's not every good) IS LEARNING something - about life - IT WAS GOOD HERE. Imagine that. Horrible way to learn. HORRIBLE. Would never wish my x on my x - but fact remains - it's been an invaluable teacher to live with a psychopath. I mean - you think your MOM is crazy? Go live with yer Poppa. He'll show you crazy up close and personal and on a rapid cycle like you have never seen.

And while all this is going on? My house is getting empty - so that by the time I DO have things sold out of here? It's empty enough tha tpeople CAN come in and work, I'll sell it and MOVE -

Not the best laid plan - but Even DF has been on board since you walk through the house and it's almost echo can't help but make him throw stuff out. The money HE made at the yard sale alone was 'fun' pocket money - which he gave to me for bills....He threw out 2 trailers full of junk - and more is still going. Yeah - how much do you want to move.

As far as food? Well just so happens that I was in one of the places asking for help and told a man and his wilfe about truck driving school. I got the feeling he had a past......so I told him if he had been clean for 5-10 years (depending) to apply and see what happened. It perked him up and he said MOST people wouldn't share that information. I thought that was silly - WHY NOT? Aren't we here to HELP each other in this world? So .........she shared with me about four churches that were giving away food - I managed to get our pantry stocked.....and found out that because my unemployment had been cancelled I qualified for food stamps.

Well here's the weird thing - I had a reapplication in - and "booty-called" the foodstamp counselor at 5 minutes to 5 on Tuesday - (okay how weird is this - I hear HELLO? HELLO?) pick up my cell and say "Who is this please?" and explain my hiney must have dialed...apologized and the lady said "Did you have a reapp in?" I said "For foodstamps? Yes, but no one has called me back, didn't figure they would until after Turkey day." ----well THIS woman took the time to process my application and gave me not only Nov. but Dec. too - So I could get Turkey day ......and told me that I wasn't done with unemployment - to go reapply for that too.

OH JOY - So I did ...........and I got back on for 6 more months at least.

I mean it was awesome......And my caseworker called me back - and said they may put me up in a hotel all week to finish my training - so I can GET my CDL - go to work......and GET OUT OF HERE.......

(insert not so silent scream)

And that for me gets me to Ohio, closer to my Mom, and a place where my FAMILY COULD ALL be together for a meal....for once in the last 25 years. And I would really REALLY like that.

that and a little donkey.....(snort)

I'm just not willing to let bad and sad, and ugly and depressed take me down - no maam. Worked to hard to be this uplifted - Bottom of the mountain is not an option for this CD Board Mom. But I will extend a hand to anyone needing to be pulled up anytime.

There is no where to go BUT up -
 

klmno

Active Member
I love that story, Star- but am sorry you have had to go thru this. I think Janet is right on. I was able to give to various charities and did so to also help difficult child learn that we should when we can. Then I had to sell a lot of stuff for squat before moving. It about killed me at first to have to get help from county and VA but I got over it and realize I should have done it a lot sooner. Now it doesn't bother me to go to thrift stores and buy used stuff for such low prices because I figure someone is in my "old" location buying up what I donated because it wouldn't sell. Give to others when you can - then don't be ashamed or too proud to take help when you need it.

Star, I had similar feelings when I was facing homelessness. I knew I had started with nothing when I left my husband at 18yo. I knew I was scared to death and barely starting a new career when I decided that I could not part with difficult child- put him up for adoption and walk away and that I had to find a way to raise him all by myself. I made it thru both those periods and ended up so much better off as a person. I knew I had to find a way to pull myself up by my own boot straps this time, too. I do think it takers a little help from the man upstairs though- grace, as you said- because I couldn't get a job for soooooo long then got this offer just days before being officially homeless. And this job brings my life full circle and I really needed that reflection for myself right now. It won't last forever but hopefully, will be a bridge to something better after I get some things resolved internally. This might be more effective than any therapy I could have gotten lately.

I believe you will find what is right for you thru all this, too.
 

Star*

call 911........call 911
GCV - no..you are my hero! here chicky chicky chicky :tongue:

klmno - my life - my very absurd life by some great measure of others has been to me for the most part what I thought life was - just little ups and downs. Then one day I was sharing with someone bits and pices of my life. I guess if you didn't know me or if my Mom hadn't been there to validate some of the things I was saying it seemed beyond surreal. I never thought of my life as any different or harder or more struggling - I just thought of it as mine. As I told my story however people were just apparently surprised. I mean I had just told a small part of my life and here were these people standing there just wowed by like 5 years of my life and I thought - Well holy cow if you thought that was something I should have told you about the last 15 - lol. That would have flipped your wig for sure.
I don't know what I thought an 'amazing' life consisted of. I used to love to go to this lady's house in FL. who was a refuge from Auschwicz (sp) death camp. She had the tattoo on her arm, and would tell us stories about the Nazi's coming into their town and how she lost her family members right in front of her, and how they hid, and ran, and starved and I would just be enthralled with her story of coming to the US, going to college, getting several degrees, knowing so many languages, marrying two men - only one being the love of her life - learning to fly - and I kept thinking - now THAT ! THAT is a life worth talking about. Nothing like mine. Then I told her about my life in part one day up to that point of 27 years and guess who was silent and interested and on the edge of her seat, angry with tears in her eyes for me like I had been for her? She said "You are an amazing woman."

I mean to have someone like HER tell me - that I'm amazing? ME? Really. But then it dawned on me not then - but much later on in life - maybe about 3 years ago or so and especially after meeting the women on this board (and some men too) that we are ALL amazing. We all have gifts I believe. I mean I think we all must get like ONE special given gift and maybe a few other talents - to share, to encourage, to help - but together? That's when we're all really amazing. it's not just me, or me and someone else - it's you and me and her and them - and when you put all the gifts together - It's like a christmas tree all lit up. Kinda wishy in connotation - but I think I have a grasp of something bigger in it's meaning.

Problem is as a rule people don't like other people (snicker) We tend to be judgemental, petty, unaccepting, vindictive - and a slew of other not so attractive attributes that it seems to take us a life time to be shed of. So the chances that we all get together to shine? Pretty limited. Someone always comes along blows a fuse and burns out the lighted strand. Then we're all in the dark until Mom stubbs a toe and finds a flashlight and we start the process all over again.

I'm just beginning to realize that the thing I'm most thankful for are ALL my struggles. Without them? I wouldn't know how to do 1/2 the things i do. I wouldn't know how to recognize ANY of the red flags for troubles coming my way so I can avert them for myself or tell others BAD THING COMING YOUR WAY. I wouldn't appreciate nearly anything as much as I do. And yet at this point? I've lost everything in my life so many times and had nothing, been homeless, been without almost everything that I realize you can take it ALL away from me - but I will still have my faith, my morals, my dignity - and my manners. So when I get this close to having nothing again - its like - OH - I'm only this close. Not there just this close. If it goes? I start over. Nothing i relish - but freaking out over it serves no purpose - I mean 10 weeks after whatever happened happened? If I think back and replay it? Did freaking out help my situation at all? No...okay then lets eliminate that behavior if there is a next time - and so it goes. I can't balance walking in faith and freaking out ----it's got to be one or the other. Know what I mean??

I know I will find what is right for me too klmno - I have no doubt. I keep chuckling thinking - I went through 4 weeks of the most intense schooling I've ever done in my life - trained to be a truckdriver -and you watch - I'll get right () there and someone upstairs will go - OH lets spin the bottle and make her ..................................a skydiver. great.....new heights. As long as it's not a nurse. Worlds first fainting nurse.....notso good.
 

TerryJ2

Well-Known Member
Well, for all of us in financial straits, I have to chuckle. We had our Thanksgiving dinner at a friend's house, and her house has been under construction for 10 yrs now. The ceiling light was dangling, the kitchen floor was stripped to the subfloor, the stairs were unfinished, (outside was cinder blocks, and inside, wood planks) but to look at it from the outside, you see this beautiful mansion on the water. The food was fabulous, and she cooks with-o gluten or butter!!!

She took over her husband's biz dealings about 7 yrs ago when he died, and she hasn't a single tough bone in her body. A biz lessee owes her at least $25,000, and she just evicted her first apt tenant, who hasn't pd rent in 6 mo's.
No wonder the house isn't finished!

We had her and her boys over for Thanksgiving nearly every yr after her husband died. You may recall the bizarre tale of her out-of-state romance and the schizm between her and her boys. Sad and crazy. She got rid of the loser, finally, the boys moved back home, she's got a normal boyfriend, and she's taking care of biz. Real biz. husband and I managed to stay on good terms with-all of them, despite the fact we disapproved of the way she handled her family all those yrs. Our main goal was to keep an eye on the boys.
It worked.

She'll come through Christmas with-flying colors.
So we all have something to be thankful for!
 
Top