making someone leave

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by crazymama30, Jul 14, 2007.

  1. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    Has anyone ever forced a spouse to leave the home if there is no abuse? I would like to get husband to leave, but he refuses to. I have no money for an attorney. I may have to sell the house to get him to leave
  2. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Yep......I have been there, and done that. Not pretty, but obtainable. The first thing I did was pack all of his stuff, and put it in the garage. I then changed the locks on the doors. When he came back, I told him thru the locked door that he was out, and he could get his stuff thru the garage door if he wanted, but he was no longer allowed inside the house or in my life. This worked.

    I know, I can see all of the legal loop holes - but it can work or be a start. At least he knows you are serious. True, you may have to sell the house if he contests being kicked out of his own home - but he would have to go to court to do that, which would take while. In the meantime, he might have actually found a place to live. The other thing you might need to do in conjunction with changing the locks, and packing his stuff, is file for a divorce. Also, call your local police dept and ask them for any legal advice.

    good sorry you are going thru this.
  3. Janna

    Janna New Member

    Yeah, but I got lucky. The last time I told my ex husband to get out, he really did it (after about 400 times of me telling him). When he did, we were renters, so I changed the locks and called the rental office, had his name taken off the lease.

    Honestly, it was so bad I was looking for a place to go. If he wouldn't have left, I would have. Just would have taken a little longer.
  4. WhymeMom?

    WhymeMom? No real answers to life..

    Before you kick him out find out who owns the case its in your name only, worst case its in his name only....but probably both names are on the mortgage....find a place with free legal advice, there are usually places like this in most larger cities....go on the internet and google for info....

    The more knowledge you have the easier it will be to get the authorities on your side.....good luck in whatever you decide....
  5. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    You could make his life living heck so he wants to leave. :wink:

    Seriously, husband wasn't too bright during an argument once and told me I couldn't make him leave because his name is on the house as well as mine.

    I told him within 2 weeks he'd be begging to get out the door and never look back. There are thousands of little ways to make a man miserable in his own home.

    husband shut up. lol

    You need to know if his name is on the lease or morgage. If it is, in most states the only way you can force him out is if he is abusive.

  6. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    My name is the only one on the mortage. I just have no money. I am very frustrated at this point, so I do not know what I want to do. I want to run away from home!! :crazy2:
  7. Marcie Mac

    Marcie Mac Just Plain Ole Tired

    Before I did any hasty moves, I would definately do a consult with a lawyer.

    I don't know how Ore works - but in Ca., hubby signed off the house when I bought it - its in my name as is mortgage. Does it matter - no - we have community property here. Even though he gave it to me as a "gift", since I used my paycheck, which is community property, half the house is his, or half of everyhouse payment I made on it he got back when it sold, whatever the court decided was fair.

    Hense I am only legally separated (for about 13 years) - I never finished the divorce because he would get alimony as well (to the tune of 1,500 a month and because the kids at the time were under 18, I had to pay him child support on top of it -even though I had the kids). Figured I would hold out till he got a full time job - I am still holding and at this point, probably have a better chance hell freezing over. Plus he gets a cut of my social security since I was married more than 10 years - he has enough work credits right now without my SS to get him about 200.00 a month.

    Really, just find out where you stand legally and what you can or cannot do.

  8. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: crazymama30</div><div class="ubbcode-body">My name is the only one on the mortage. I just have no money. I am very frustrated at this point, so I do not know what I want to do. I want to run away from home!! :crazy2: </div></div>

    Just change the locks and put his stuff out. There's not a darn thing he can do about it. Be sure that you have the mortgage papers handy in case he calls the police. Whatever you do, do not leave your home or he can take possession!
  9. Lothlorien

    Lothlorien Active Member Staff Member

    Before you do anything rash, contact a public assistance lawyer or something. Make sure you know what the legal ramifications are before locking him out of the house. Be sure there is nothing that he has on you. My old neighbor's husband did that to him on the house that he and his dead wife had owned for years. She called the cops on him and told them he had guns and he threatened her (which he did not). It was a big mess. all of his LEGAL guns were absconded by the police and he's not able to get them back. She was allowed to stay there and loot the house for everything he owned for several months, while he stayed in a hotel. Let me tell you, this woman was pure evil. Just be careful with whatever decisions you make and go the legal route.
  10. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Loth, that situation seems very different than CM's. CM owns her house outright from before the marriage. Putting his stuff out and not looting it from him would not put her in a negative position.
  11. Lothlorien

    Lothlorien Active Member Staff Member

    Witz, sadly this man had everything in his name also, for years before he married her. (by the way, she was the town tramp). She figured out how to keep him out of his own home. He had cash and jewelry stashed all over his house, but she took it all.

    I just want to stress that you check out the legal end of it. Make sure to do it legally, or else you could end up in a legal mess and in trouble, especially if the other person is vindictive.
  12. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    Hi! I've read a few of your posts on the general board and you didn't sound so at the end of your rope.

    Later on this post you said that you didn't know exactly what you wanted to do, but you wanted to just run away.

    Here's my thought:

    You sound exhausted, beat down and just plain old sick of life in general. My guess is that since he's always "not feeling well for whatever reason" you're not only working full time, going to school, doing your other full time job of being a single parent with a spouse in the home, handling all of the housework, yard duties, bill paying, upkeep of the general grounds (deck, pool, windows, whatever!), recycling maven, transportation queen, medical provider, ego-reasurance jockey, and friend. Oh, if you have pets, the veterinarian as well.

    And let me guess: HE'S ALWAYS EXHAUSTED!!

    If I'm off base, I apologize. It just seems that that's the way it is with most of the people on this sight. I know I get sick of it. Have you thought of the possibility of a touch of depression sinking in? If so, hit the doctors and see what can be done. If not, figure out some way to run away for a few hours: get a different hairstyle, nails done, a massage, a movie that YOU want to see (I hear a pedicure is choice because they massage your feet when they do it!).

    Just don't do anything rash! If you want to kick him out, make sure it's totally on your terms and at your own pace!

    I have a feeling most of us have been there!

    Sending positive thoughts!

  13. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Actually, Beth, you've got some good points there. I'm also wondering if HE is suffering from depression - one of the hallmarks of depressions is feeling tired, worn down and exhausted. OK, there can be other causes, but blokes aren't always as well in touch with their feelings.

    It's hard to tell if his being exhausted is just him copping out, or genuinely having a problem. And there really is no way to be sure without thorough medical check-ups.

    I would call his bluff - "Honey, you shouldn't be so tired. There must be something wrong. You should see a doctor."
    Either the doctor will diagnose something physical (or depression), or he will tell him to shape up.
    My bet is he will refuse to go to the doctor - it's part of the whole inertia thing. But if he refuses to see the doctor, your NEXT card to play is, "Don't waste your breath talking to ME about how tired you are - you wouldn't do anything about it, so what do you want ME to do? I'm doing enough as it is! Get off that couch, you might find a bit of gentle activity does you the world of good."

    And if THAT fails - stop feeding him. He will at least have to get off the couch to go to the fridge to fix himself something, or get another beer. if you take HIM off your list of bodies to care for and clean, then it should ease your workload.

    He's big enough and ugly enough to take care of himself. As we say down here.

    Seriously, folks - exhaustion from depression is best helped with gentle exercise and some degree of physical activity (a bit of mental activity works, too).
    Exhaustion from a physical cause - gentle activity is also a darn good idea to ward off the inevitable depression that can move in and take over. It can also lead to pinpointing faster, what is really wrong. And therefore getting help faster.
    If he's overweight, maybe not as young as he used to be (aren't we all?) I would ask, does he snore badly? If he does, then sleep apnoea can often show up as daytime exhaustion - really poor sleep at night due to all those episodes of not enough air, then drowsiness during the day, plus the brain is not recovering properly each night - it needs to be dealt with because it won't get better. You won't like the treatment, though - those CPAP machines can disturb YOUR sleep, assuming he takes it that far, gets one AND uses it.

    OK, I'm trying to be nice to the guy. Devils' Advocate. because if you consider ALL these possibilities, you're giving him plenty of rope in your relationship; so if you can see that it STILL can't work out, you will feel more secure in your decisions.

  14. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    I am truly conflicted. husband does have a chronic pain issues, is probably depressed or who knows what. He had an appointment with a psychiatrist, but it was the Monday after he was discharged from the hospital and he forgot as he was still feeling lowsy.

    The problem is I am overloaded. I know I am overloaded, and will be this way for 3 more years untill I get into and out of nursing school. I have no clue if husband will be able to work again, so I need to make more money. I work in health care now and have no doubts I will be a good nurse.

    My me time is when I am driving between patients at work (as long as the kids do not call.) There is no one to watch kids except husband, and he has had it by the time I get home (sometimes not untill 8 or 9 pm.)My family is available for emergencies, and that is pretty much it. They all work or cannot handle difficult child. husband's family are ignorant (and proud of it) and I do not trust them with my children. I do not remember the last time we went out alone. It was well over 1 or 2 years ago.

    What usually sends me over the edge is when I get home from work and he is in bed. I just do not understand how someone can spend that much time in bed. I walk in the house, and I am instantly irrate. I cannot force him to get help, but unless he does I do not know if I can go on.

    For now I will leave things status quo. I apologize for posting when I am too upset and should not. :redface: I am trying to learn to wait to post, but it is hard.
  15. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    There is no need for you to apologize for posting when you're upset. If we can be your shoulder and someone to unload on, then that's a good thing. Everyone needs someone they can unload on at times and get honest feedback from.

    Right now your stress levels are sky high. Perfectly understandable.

    If you still have 3 yrs to go in nursing school are you going for your bachelor's degree? You might want to check and see if there are any 2 yr assoc degree programs in your area. It's shorter, and you pretty much make the same amount of money.

    Can you delegate at all with the kids? Do they pitch in and help with what they can?

    I know how hard it is to try to keep a family going and being in school. I can only imagine the added stress of working ontop of it all. Believe me, I did no big cleaning til I was on school break. The rest of the time it was just trying to keep it under control. And yeah, most of the time my house was a wreck. lol

    And I've also got a husband who's always to exhausted, too sick, and would rather stay home then go to work. I soooo know how that one is. UGH! (mine just spent 90% of the weekend in bed) :rolleyes:

    Vent anytime you need to.

  16. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Go ahead, post anytime. Don't apologise for apparently sounding off in frustration and haste - it's what we're here for.

    Crikey, if you hadn't posted here, where would all that frustration have ended up?

    What happened, is you said what you needed to say, we responded with our thoughts on the topic, you've come back with your own considered responses and with time and discussion, you've changed your original direction. What's wrong with that? It's what happens, when you open up a topic for discussion.

    Imagine - you're planning on repainting the living room. You're fairly sure you like pale blue, but you saw a really nice apricot shade that appeals. Both very different, both with interesting but very different directions to go, design-wise. So you get swatches and ask your friends when they visit. You talk to everyone who walks in the door - "which combination do you like best?"

    And after hearing everyone's comments, you've changes your mind - you'll redecorate the bathroom instead, by retiling in green. Next year.

    It's your choice. Your space. All you can do is ask for opinions, and THEN make YOUR decision.

    Your right. Don't apologise for using this site as the sounding board it's meant to be.

    I just hope we were still able to help you work out at least a little of the problem.

  17. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    Actually I am going for an Associate's degre, but am doing the pre-requisites at a haltime pace of 2 classses a semester. I have never gone to college so I did have to take some beginner classes to beef up my skills. The kids are usually ok at helping, but that's cause if they do not do the chores I leave i dock their allowance. Their not always good, but most of the time.

    Marg-I apologized because I felt bad for getting everyone riled up. I do like the decorating analogy though.

    Cleaning, what is that? I keep the the dishes clean (or someone does) and make sure the clean clothes are put away so we can find them. The kids have been vaccuuming for the last month(floor does not look so hot, but oh well. Same thing with mopping) Now the vaccuum broke. The kids clean their bathroom.

    My house looks like a 9yr old and an 11yr old cleaned it cause they did. :rolleyes:
  18. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader


    Take many deep breaths and do what is right for you at this time. If that means getting H outta the house, then so be it.

    A person can only handle so much.

    And although H may very well have a legitimate reason for being the way he is, it doesn't mean you have to live with it.

    To some people that may seem selfish, but I don't think self preservation is selfish at all.

    Take care.
  19. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    get him to a social security office and see if he qualifies for a disability. it takes time to do. that way if you ever again want him out, at least he would have more income and it would not drain you.
  20. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    Hi! Don't feel bad for posting and getting everyone riled up! I enjoyed being able to vent right along with you!

    Marg: I love the analogy - and I think you're right on with the depression hitting him as well. If husband won't see a psychiatric. dr. have him speak to his dr. that's handling the pain. My sister is going through the wringer trying to figure out chronic pain issues (CFS? MS? etc.) and her dr. gave her a script for an antidepressant because chronic pain and depression frequently go hand-in-hand. Marg is also right about light exercize - it does wonders!

    Don't forget to take the short break for yourself. I know what you mean about the "me time" while driving. While I was working, I was commuting through New Jersey for 1.5 hrs. each way and I actually enjoyed sitting in traffic!!!

    Still thinking positive thoughts for you!