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Male who beat difficult child released to treatment facility...
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 622342" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>I'm so pleased that you see what I see. I see it Cedar because I too have lived with that guilt/punishment born out of my mother's wounding which made me responsible for her choices. And, therein lies the beginning of my own enabling/rescuing patterns. That is learned so young, it is pre-verbal, so getting to it takes some serious looking.</p><p></p><p>Responding to you about this is HUGELY beneficial for me too Cedar, for what I cannot see in myself, I can see in you, I can respond to it to you and help to heal it in me. It is a win/win of epic proportions........</p><p></p><p>It's called parentification. There are no breaks for us kids in that family system, we get stuck in the inability to fail or make mistakes. Perfectionism is born. Enabling. Guilt. Shame. Blame. Judgement. </p><p></p><p>The problem with the guilt is that it is not guilt for anything that YOU did, it is immediate and pervasive guilt for something someone else did that you take on.............and the person who actually made the choice, doesn't take it on. They walk away free. The burden is on you. And, since we're taught that so young, we simply take it on as real, as "of course it's mine" ..................perfection lives here. For if you were truly omnipotent as you've come to believe you are, you would have known this, could have prevented this, could fix this...........you didn't so therefore there has to be punishment. Someone is to blame, it has to be you. Someone has to pay, it has to be you. Someone has to be punished, it has to be you.</p><p></p><p>I think dysfunctional folks either blame someone else or blame themselves, or both, but blame will be placed somewhere. Blame takes us out of the moment, out of that uncertainty and chaos and the ground moving from underneath us..........it keeps us in perpetual pain, but that seems better then uncertainty/chaos and unknowing. </p><p></p><p>We can proclaim certainty when we point fingers at ourselves or someone else. He did it! She did it! I did it! What if no one did it, what if 'it' happened in each of our separate lives for us to learn something, for us to work through something, for us to grow............what if we throw the right and wrong of it out the window and stay in that middle ground and forgive ourselves, forgive the other? What if we had compassion for ourselves and others and offered kindness in the midst of all the trauma? I am not saying I do this, I ask myself all the same questions as I emerge from the relentless world of someone being right and someone being wrong. (All those Pema Chodron books are sinking in at least to the point where I can intellectualize the concepts.) Staying in the middle and not proclaiming one way or the other is a big practice right now. I am practicing asking myself, how can I learn from this, how can I awaken from this, how can I grow from this. Rather then, who is to blame for this. It is the middle way, the path of compassion and kindness.</p><p></p><p>Many of the relationships that I had to remove myself from Cedar, were where I was the guy who blamed myself and the other was the guy who blamed someone else. The shame ball being thrown back and forth. "Harmonious neurosis." Once I began feeling compassion and more kindness for myself, it became apparent when that blame, judgment, criticism, some "make wrong" was coming my way. When I was the guilty party, I took that on. Once I stopped feeling guilty and I woke up, I could see that! And, then I had to make some hard choices about whether I wanted to stay in relationship with people who blamed me and judged me. It was pretty hard to let some people go. It can be subtle too, a critical look, a judgmental comment, a superior smile...........but if you really look you can see the anger bubbling right under the surface. There is always anger in the 'blame game', on both sides.</p><p></p><p> I responded to my daughter in the same way I had with my mother........ She got to do whatever she wanted while I felt guilty and wrong. I didn't know how to put the responsibility for her actions onto her. I had to learn that much later. </p><p></p><p>Simply put, if the 'other' always takes on the position of being 'right' then the only position left to take is..............being 'wrong.' After awhile, not only are you being wrong, you ARE wrong. That's where shame enters the game.</p><p></p><p>When compassion for ME began, then everything changed. Now the onus of my daughter's life is on her, not me. I still struggle some with all of it, but once the guilt for imagined wrongdoings subsided, I could SEE, Cedar, I could SEE beyond the guilt, beyond the perception I had always held that I was pronounced guilty as charged for ALL OF IT.</p><p></p><p>Kindness and compassion for YOU is the key, it is the way out.</p><p></p><p>This morning I was thinking about you and I thought, "I feel so bad for Cedar, her daughter has the gift of memory loss about the whole incident, but poor Cedar has to relive it and blame herself." So herein, once again, your daughter has no memory, no responsibility for placing herself in harms way by the lifestyle she has chosen............ and you get to punish yourself for it.</p><p></p><p>Put the whole incident in a place of light, a place of compassion for everyone, it doesn't exonerate the guilty party, it opens the door for you to forgive him, but more importantly, for you to forgive yourself. </p><p>When I first came onto this realization it was very profound for me...........I kept repeating to myself, almost spontaneously, "I didn't do anything wrong." At first I said it with surprise, as if there was a question at the end of the statement. "I didn't do anything wrong??" Then I was angry. Then it just was what it was. I had always believed I must have done <em>something</em> wrong, <em>somewhere</em>..............and of course in the scheme of a life, I've done plenty wrong, but I mean, I didn't do that one bad thing that meant I would be punished forever for. There is no stain on me which says I don't deserve happiness because somewhere, sometime I did something which eliminates me from the running. You didn't do anything wrong Cedar. You, like all of us made mistakes because we're human, you didn't do anything which warrants punishment. </p><p></p><p>Take this off your shoulders Cedar, take the old barbs out of your heart..........commute your sentence to innocent. You are innocent. Go celebrate. Allow yourself the joy or the acceptance or the fulfillment or whatever you denied yourself in order to pay the price..........no more price, just enjoyment. The path of joy. Turn away from the path of guilt and onto the path of joy.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 622342, member: 13542"] I'm so pleased that you see what I see. I see it Cedar because I too have lived with that guilt/punishment born out of my mother's wounding which made me responsible for her choices. And, therein lies the beginning of my own enabling/rescuing patterns. That is learned so young, it is pre-verbal, so getting to it takes some serious looking. Responding to you about this is HUGELY beneficial for me too Cedar, for what I cannot see in myself, I can see in you, I can respond to it to you and help to heal it in me. It is a win/win of epic proportions........ It's called parentification. There are no breaks for us kids in that family system, we get stuck in the inability to fail or make mistakes. Perfectionism is born. Enabling. Guilt. Shame. Blame. Judgement. The problem with the guilt is that it is not guilt for anything that YOU did, it is immediate and pervasive guilt for something someone else did that you take on.............and the person who actually made the choice, doesn't take it on. They walk away free. The burden is on you. And, since we're taught that so young, we simply take it on as real, as "of course it's mine" ..................perfection lives here. For if you were truly omnipotent as you've come to believe you are, you would have known this, could have prevented this, could fix this...........you didn't so therefore there has to be punishment. Someone is to blame, it has to be you. Someone has to pay, it has to be you. Someone has to be punished, it has to be you. I think dysfunctional folks either blame someone else or blame themselves, or both, but blame will be placed somewhere. Blame takes us out of the moment, out of that uncertainty and chaos and the ground moving from underneath us..........it keeps us in perpetual pain, but that seems better then uncertainty/chaos and unknowing. We can proclaim certainty when we point fingers at ourselves or someone else. He did it! She did it! I did it! What if no one did it, what if 'it' happened in each of our separate lives for us to learn something, for us to work through something, for us to grow............what if we throw the right and wrong of it out the window and stay in that middle ground and forgive ourselves, forgive the other? What if we had compassion for ourselves and others and offered kindness in the midst of all the trauma? I am not saying I do this, I ask myself all the same questions as I emerge from the relentless world of someone being right and someone being wrong. (All those Pema Chodron books are sinking in at least to the point where I can intellectualize the concepts.) Staying in the middle and not proclaiming one way or the other is a big practice right now. I am practicing asking myself, how can I learn from this, how can I awaken from this, how can I grow from this. Rather then, who is to blame for this. It is the middle way, the path of compassion and kindness. Many of the relationships that I had to remove myself from Cedar, were where I was the guy who blamed myself and the other was the guy who blamed someone else. The shame ball being thrown back and forth. "Harmonious neurosis." Once I began feeling compassion and more kindness for myself, it became apparent when that blame, judgment, criticism, some "make wrong" was coming my way. When I was the guilty party, I took that on. Once I stopped feeling guilty and I woke up, I could see that! And, then I had to make some hard choices about whether I wanted to stay in relationship with people who blamed me and judged me. It was pretty hard to let some people go. It can be subtle too, a critical look, a judgmental comment, a superior smile...........but if you really look you can see the anger bubbling right under the surface. There is always anger in the 'blame game', on both sides. I responded to my daughter in the same way I had with my mother........ She got to do whatever she wanted while I felt guilty and wrong. I didn't know how to put the responsibility for her actions onto her. I had to learn that much later. Simply put, if the 'other' always takes on the position of being 'right' then the only position left to take is..............being 'wrong.' After awhile, not only are you being wrong, you ARE wrong. That's where shame enters the game. When compassion for ME began, then everything changed. Now the onus of my daughter's life is on her, not me. I still struggle some with all of it, but once the guilt for imagined wrongdoings subsided, I could SEE, Cedar, I could SEE beyond the guilt, beyond the perception I had always held that I was pronounced guilty as charged for ALL OF IT. Kindness and compassion for YOU is the key, it is the way out. This morning I was thinking about you and I thought, "I feel so bad for Cedar, her daughter has the gift of memory loss about the whole incident, but poor Cedar has to relive it and blame herself." So herein, once again, your daughter has no memory, no responsibility for placing herself in harms way by the lifestyle she has chosen............ and you get to punish yourself for it. Put the whole incident in a place of light, a place of compassion for everyone, it doesn't exonerate the guilty party, it opens the door for you to forgive him, but more importantly, for you to forgive yourself. When I first came onto this realization it was very profound for me...........I kept repeating to myself, almost spontaneously, "I didn't do anything wrong." At first I said it with surprise, as if there was a question at the end of the statement. "I didn't do anything wrong??" Then I was angry. Then it just was what it was. I had always believed I must have done [I]something[/I] wrong, [I]somewhere[/I]..............and of course in the scheme of a life, I've done plenty wrong, but I mean, I didn't do that one bad thing that meant I would be punished forever for. There is no stain on me which says I don't deserve happiness because somewhere, sometime I did something which eliminates me from the running. You didn't do anything wrong Cedar. You, like all of us made mistakes because we're human, you didn't do anything which warrants punishment. Take this off your shoulders Cedar, take the old barbs out of your heart..........commute your sentence to innocent. You are innocent. Go celebrate. Allow yourself the joy or the acceptance or the fulfillment or whatever you denied yourself in order to pay the price..........no more price, just enjoyment. The path of joy. Turn away from the path of guilt and onto the path of joy. [/QUOTE]
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