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Male who beat difficult child released to treatment facility...
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 622351" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>This is true, Recovering. The gist of this thing is that I either did not see clearly enough...or that I did see, that somehow I did know...and did not insist difficult child and granddaughter come here, whatever husband wanted to do about that.</p><p></p><p>Parentification.</p><p></p><p>So, these feelings too are what I name a "valence". The abuser's valence, her will; the force she used to crush my will, to create a receptacle for her pain.</p><p></p><p>Though I don't much like it, and am not through this layer yet...good for both of us, Recovering. I am happy you can see these things for me, too.</p><p></p><p>This is true. You are correct. How fortunate we have been to see these valences, these core values we have functioned through and beneath, all of our lives.</p><p></p><p>And in a way, it is these valences, this parentification, that fueled the unremitting drive to put things back together, to figure out what went wrong....</p><p></p><p>?</p><p></p><p>Maybe.</p><p></p><p>I am still working through this one.</p><p></p><p>Happily. With that sure sense of discovery, of rightness. Something there, alright. </p><p></p><p>I love that you post to me as you do.</p><p></p><p>We were talking about this very thing in Tai Chi one day. I said something about taking the blame for everything, automatically. It was funny, when I said it, and I said it to be funny. But the Tai Chi instructor seemed to believe that was not very funny. </p><p></p><p>He is strangely wise, but you don't realize how much he sees for years and years.</p><p></p><p>I have been in his class for six years, now.</p><p></p><p>********************</p><p></p><p>Strange that you should mention forgiveness, Recovering. With the male's release, that sense of time, of safety for now, has been shaken. The same panicky feelings, the what do I do, the immediacy of the result of the last bad decision. Blah, blah, blah. Anyway, I had to start thinking of him. Of the man I know him to be. Of the things he said as, over the years, I have written him, in prison or out. About the communication we exchanged when he told me he was planning to get difficult child out of where she was. About the trust I had developed in him, in his spiritual path.</p><p></p><p>Last summer, he taught me a Native drum song, taught me how to drum it and how to sing it. </p><p></p><p>We talked about the Red Road.</p><p></p><p>A Native belief, something like the Tao or the Way, in Buddhism.</p><p></p><p>And I realized something, Recovering. He did not see this coming, either. I talked to difficult child daughter about that, last night. About realizing that, as you posted to me today...there was no intentional, premeditated evil person who should be imprisoned forever, who should be viewed with contempt or hatred.</p><p></p><p>There is only a person I am certain, certain...is as horrified at what he did, at what he destroyed, at who he might have become, at everything, everything he had, given into his hand against all odds. And at what he did with that gift, with that life, with that person he might have become.</p><p></p><p>And I couldn't do anything else but let that stuff I was feeling go, Recovering.</p><p></p><p>And when I did? When I whispered, "You're forgiven." I felt the most strange kind of release. I realized I was exhausted, down deep where rest cannot touch it. </p><p></p><p>Hatred, lack of forgiveness, the inability to forgive, the desire to not forgive, ever ~ takes alot of energy. </p><p></p><p>It was an amazing thing.</p><p></p><p>Happy Hour here Recovering. I need to go. Thank you so much for your postings to me. They mean more than I can tell you. More than I know, I suppose....</p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 622351, member: 17461"] This is true, Recovering. The gist of this thing is that I either did not see clearly enough...or that I did see, that somehow I did know...and did not insist difficult child and granddaughter come here, whatever husband wanted to do about that. Parentification. So, these feelings too are what I name a "valence". The abuser's valence, her will; the force she used to crush my will, to create a receptacle for her pain. Though I don't much like it, and am not through this layer yet...good for both of us, Recovering. I am happy you can see these things for me, too. This is true. You are correct. How fortunate we have been to see these valences, these core values we have functioned through and beneath, all of our lives. And in a way, it is these valences, this parentification, that fueled the unremitting drive to put things back together, to figure out what went wrong.... ? Maybe. I am still working through this one. Happily. With that sure sense of discovery, of rightness. Something there, alright. I love that you post to me as you do. We were talking about this very thing in Tai Chi one day. I said something about taking the blame for everything, automatically. It was funny, when I said it, and I said it to be funny. But the Tai Chi instructor seemed to believe that was not very funny. He is strangely wise, but you don't realize how much he sees for years and years. I have been in his class for six years, now. ******************** Strange that you should mention forgiveness, Recovering. With the male's release, that sense of time, of safety for now, has been shaken. The same panicky feelings, the what do I do, the immediacy of the result of the last bad decision. Blah, blah, blah. Anyway, I had to start thinking of him. Of the man I know him to be. Of the things he said as, over the years, I have written him, in prison or out. About the communication we exchanged when he told me he was planning to get difficult child out of where she was. About the trust I had developed in him, in his spiritual path. Last summer, he taught me a Native drum song, taught me how to drum it and how to sing it. We talked about the Red Road. A Native belief, something like the Tao or the Way, in Buddhism. And I realized something, Recovering. He did not see this coming, either. I talked to difficult child daughter about that, last night. About realizing that, as you posted to me today...there was no intentional, premeditated evil person who should be imprisoned forever, who should be viewed with contempt or hatred. There is only a person I am certain, certain...is as horrified at what he did, at what he destroyed, at who he might have become, at everything, everything he had, given into his hand against all odds. And at what he did with that gift, with that life, with that person he might have become. And I couldn't do anything else but let that stuff I was feeling go, Recovering. And when I did? When I whispered, "You're forgiven." I felt the most strange kind of release. I realized I was exhausted, down deep where rest cannot touch it. Hatred, lack of forgiveness, the inability to forgive, the desire to not forgive, ever ~ takes alot of energy. It was an amazing thing. Happy Hour here Recovering. I need to go. Thank you so much for your postings to me. They mean more than I can tell you. More than I know, I suppose.... :O) Cedar [/QUOTE]
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