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Male who beat difficult child released to treatment facility...
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 622352" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>I think there is a lot of great thinking and writing on this thread. We are unpacking a lot of things, due to Cedar's story. Following a line of thinking to its very end is good for us, I believe, at times, instead of just stopping because it's too hard.</p><p></p><p>I am thinking now about this thing we are talking about called consequences. </p><p></p><p>Here is how I understand it:</p><p></p><p>I make decisions for myself and those decisions have consequences. </p><p></p><p>My difficult child makes decisions for himself and those decisions have consequences.</p><p></p><p>My decisions are not his consequences. </p><p></p><p>If I make a decision that affects him---you can't come to live at my house---and then he is homeless and something bad happens to him on the street one night---are those my consequences? </p><p></p><p>Those are <strong>his</strong> consequences. Not mine. </p><p></p><p>He takes in my decision about him---he can't stay here. That door is closed. But there are lots of other open doors he can walk through. </p><p></p><p>If he chooses none of those and something bad happens when he is on the street one night, there is no straight line back to my decision. My decision did not allow/cause the bad thing to happen.</p><p></p><p>Do I revisit that decision? Of course. That is human. I love him. I want nothing bad ever to happen to him. If only I had allowed him to stay here that night---THIS would not have happened. Perhaps. Perhaps not. Perhaps it would have happened during the daytime or the next night or two weeks or two years from now. I cannot know or control that. </p><p></p><p>We cannot anticipate or know or prevent or control the millions of variables that are involved in any decision that ANOTHER PERSON MAKES FOR HIMSELF OR HERSELF.</p><p></p><p>All of us have many, many choices in life. When one door is closed to us, we have to find another door or a window to crawl through to solve our problem. If we don't, and something bad happens, we must accept the consequences and the many events and decisions that led us to this moment. We alone are responsible for what we do. There are accidents of course, and of course, your precious daughter and this man, may never have even had a hint that something like this would ever have happened. </p><p></p><p>Cedar, after reading more here, I am seeing the vast betrayal of this man not just of your daughter but of you personally and of your whole family. I can see the many layers of pain and regret you must have about so many things. How could you possibly know he would do this? </p><p></p><p>How could he even know he would? </p><p></p><p>I am reminded of the oft-repeated phrase: My, you sure are a powerful person if you are responsible for all of the problems of this world? I've never met anybody as powerful as you are. Said tongue in cheek, I think it gets the point across very well.</p><p></p><p>I am powerless over all people, places and things. I am powerless over my difficult child and this man and the people who do bad things to other people. Sadly, very unfortunately, if my son puts himself repeatedly in dangerous situations, the odds are not good that he will remain safe over time. I believe that is a mathematical equation, even. </p><p></p><p>I hope you are better today, Cedar. I hope you and husband have a nice dinner somewhere and just breathe and relax and enjoy the sunset for an hour or more. </p><p></p><p>Thanks for all of the good thinking here on this thread.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 622352, member: 17542"] I think there is a lot of great thinking and writing on this thread. We are unpacking a lot of things, due to Cedar's story. Following a line of thinking to its very end is good for us, I believe, at times, instead of just stopping because it's too hard. I am thinking now about this thing we are talking about called consequences. Here is how I understand it: I make decisions for myself and those decisions have consequences. My difficult child makes decisions for himself and those decisions have consequences. My decisions are not his consequences. If I make a decision that affects him---you can't come to live at my house---and then he is homeless and something bad happens to him on the street one night---are those my consequences? Those are [B]his[/B] consequences. Not mine. He takes in my decision about him---he can't stay here. That door is closed. But there are lots of other open doors he can walk through. If he chooses none of those and something bad happens when he is on the street one night, there is no straight line back to my decision. My decision did not allow/cause the bad thing to happen. Do I revisit that decision? Of course. That is human. I love him. I want nothing bad ever to happen to him. If only I had allowed him to stay here that night---THIS would not have happened. Perhaps. Perhaps not. Perhaps it would have happened during the daytime or the next night or two weeks or two years from now. I cannot know or control that. We cannot anticipate or know or prevent or control the millions of variables that are involved in any decision that ANOTHER PERSON MAKES FOR HIMSELF OR HERSELF. All of us have many, many choices in life. When one door is closed to us, we have to find another door or a window to crawl through to solve our problem. If we don't, and something bad happens, we must accept the consequences and the many events and decisions that led us to this moment. We alone are responsible for what we do. There are accidents of course, and of course, your precious daughter and this man, may never have even had a hint that something like this would ever have happened. Cedar, after reading more here, I am seeing the vast betrayal of this man not just of your daughter but of you personally and of your whole family. I can see the many layers of pain and regret you must have about so many things. How could you possibly know he would do this? How could he even know he would? I am reminded of the oft-repeated phrase: My, you sure are a powerful person if you are responsible for all of the problems of this world? I've never met anybody as powerful as you are. Said tongue in cheek, I think it gets the point across very well. I am powerless over all people, places and things. I am powerless over my difficult child and this man and the people who do bad things to other people. Sadly, very unfortunately, if my son puts himself repeatedly in dangerous situations, the odds are not good that he will remain safe over time. I believe that is a mathematical equation, even. I hope you are better today, Cedar. I hope you and husband have a nice dinner somewhere and just breathe and relax and enjoy the sunset for an hour or more. Thanks for all of the good thinking here on this thread. [/QUOTE]
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