Man Questions

[nvts]

Hi! As most of you know, AH and I split up almost a year ago (this month). While nothing's been settled, I've basically decided that he's over and done with (oh - is this the part where I'm supposed to be crying in my beer? Shoot, I keep forgetting that part!). Anywho, as many of you know, AH was my only true love (get it, get it?), so I don't have much experience here. There - preamble done. Here come the questions:

I've been corresponding with a guy in Baghdad that I met on an online chat thingy. He's 55 (8 years older than me but who's counting), divorced, built like nobody's business and way taller than AH (I swear - that will absolutely frost his gourd - while that is in NO WAY a motivating factor, it's just my good fortune!). Now, he's decided that he's totally in "love" and can't wait until his last 3 mos. are up and will be getting back to NJ and will be able to be here for me (he's got an apartment a few towns over in NJ - I'm in NY). Yadda, yadda, yadda, - blah, blah, blah. I personally don't believe that you fall in love via e-mail. But, que sera sera.

Now - before any of you get worried - I am perfectly aware that all this could be a scam - as a matter of fact, since I am a pure cynic, I keep waiting for the "my mother needs a new kidney and I need to pay for it" email. Nothing yet.

Here's my question (sorry for all the boring stuff first, but you all needed a little background):

He's sending all of these love letters (via email of course - I won't give my address out to the Pope, let alone some guy on the internet!), but I know for a fact that he's cutting and pasting them off the internet. I'm running out of the "wow, that's a beautiful thing to say" statements.

Should I tell him that I know it's all b.s. off the web or should I take it that he's "feeling" these feelings (albeit, I don't believe that he can be in love - desperate maybe, but not in love) and keep saying the "that's nice" comments?

I appreciate any suggestions, remonstrations, or insights you can provide (except Jena - she's yelling at everyone in the thread above - HAHAHAHAHA!!!).

Beth

 

[Jena]

LOL what thread above?? Star's got me doing the Sat. night fever dance apparentley............ she'll be passing out pink pills at our reunion in chicago !!!! just kidding.

ok do you want to know what me pyscho woman thinks?? I fell for a guy so many years ago, about a year after my divorce, we met on an online divorce website support group. we emailed, he was in the navy. he sent pics of him his ship via email etc. long story short the guy was real, dead on real. wound up he got lost at sea, during a mission........... wound up meeting some other woman because didn't think i'd still be waiting for him. she had 2 kids he married her!! i got the pics about 4 years ago via email.

point is i've turned into a pessimist can't spell also as you can see from all my great threads as of late. yet i do believe sometimes things can just be what they are simply put. Would I tell him hey i get your copying and pasting all my love letters?? why not, but be nice and say hmm i've heard this once before....... now how do you feel?? you haven't met him yet you have no clue if the chemistry will be there in person add's so much more. yet why not say it....

so, how will you meet him public place i'm hoping?? wow can you imagine if you met him in a public place and this guy was the real deal?? how cool!!!!

see i wasn't nasty

 

[Hound dog]

Well...........could be he isn't very good with words, or perhaps not very confident with words, and so is borrowing from others. Cyrano De whatever his name was type deal.

Or, he could just be too darn lazy to come up with his own stuff........which, I have to say at this point in my life, would probably turn me off. At 55 if you can't figure out what to say to a woman on your own, you're in trouble bud. Baghdad, huh? Most soldiers I've known (many many over the years due to husband's military career), most don't have too much trouble telling a woman they are "in love" with how they feel. I'm assuming he is military until you correct me. lol

If he IS military........you could be dealing with lonely heart syndrome/homesickness in which case this case of True Love can find itself cured instantly when his feet land on US soil. And no, I'm not saying he may not believe what he's telling you either. Loneliness for the familiar can do strange things to people.

If it were me, I'd tell him I know he's copy/pasting his "feelings"......We all appreciate honesty......even when it's not said eloquently. His reaction to that could tell you a lot.

Otherwise, I dunno. I've never done the online thing. husband and I have been together 28 yrs, the online thing wasn't even invented yet. But I also never did the blind date thing either.

 

[Jena]

husband and i met online eharmony.......... Enuf Said LOL

 

[1905]

LISTEN TO THIS: MY BFF HAS 3 KIDS, HER husband LEFT HER WITH ALL THE BILLS,NOW HAS A PREGNANT NEW WIFE,HIS/HER KIDS ARE ALL TOP OF THE CLASS, FULL RIDE SCHOLARSHIPS... SHE IS A TEACHER, NOT A LOT OF MONEY husband DID NOT CARE! Totally call him on all the bs!!! These are his kids! He's never seen 1 school play his kid starred in or heard a Valedictorian speech his SON made in 2009. This guy took all his credit cards cash advances before moving "suddenly " to another country!!!! My Bff gained about 50 pounds in 6 months, can't pay her bills and this man refuses to pay child suppor tor even see his kids. Of course how can he when he lives in another country. The point I want to make is......make sure you know the reasons, know his backround , prove it, don't let some guy snow job you out of everything. ((HUGS))

 

[DaisyFace]

Beth--

I would say that whatever his feelings are at the moment, they are probably not "real".

He is far from home, he is lonely, he is fantasizing...

Whenever he returns home, that will likely dissipate.

and #2

Yeah, the "cut and paste" thing feels a little juvenile. Like Lisa said...if at his age he can't come up with original material, it's a bit of a turn-off.

But, since it's ALL probably bs (not just the prose)....what's the difference?

(Sorry to be cynical, but that's my take)

 

[HaoZi]

Verification first. Then how well would he take it if you call him on it?

 

[flutterby]

You know me...when it comes to men, I'm as cynical as they come. That said, and agreeing with the others that being away from home and in a war zone makes one have a tendency to want to feel something good (thus, love), I will say that a lot of men suck with words and they like to think that all women like the romancing. My guess? He's trying to impress you, or romance you, and he's not good at it himself so he's borrowing. For a lot of men, being romantic means saying, "Nice a**" (or maybe those are just the ones that I meet, which would explain why I'm still single).

I would gently say something along the lines of, "I'm a fan of (insert sappy writer here), too." Or you could be more blunt and tell him that you appreciate what he's trying to do, but that you'd rather hear what he has to say.

Keep the cynicism gong. At least until you meet him in real life.

 

[flutterby]

Or maybe he's seen Sex in the City (the movie) and is copying what Big did with Carrie and thinks women really like that stuff. *shrugs shoulders*

 

[crazymama30]

As long as you are corresponding on email and keeping your info private, then I would call him on the copied love notes. Ask him why? If you are still in contact when he comes stateside, you could arrange a meeting in a very very public place if you are still interested.

However, the first answer that comes to mind? If I got rid of my husband, then I would probably not want another one for a very very very long time, if ever.

 

[busywend]

Take it slow, be very catious. Think about what you would tell your own child about meeting someone online.

Military are desperate for attention and love, especially coming from good 'ole USA. However, that does not mean he does not enjoy your 'email company'. I am sure he does. So, keep it simple and fun until he gets back to the states. Do not get wrapped up emotionally.

 

[AnnieO]

Beth, I've met quite a few people online. Years ago when I was single... I met them in public places. Heck, my first date with husband was to take the kids to a haunted house - and I left all his contact information in an email scheduled to be sent at midnight just in case!

One that comes to mind was I guy I met at a hotel restaurant. He seriously creeped me out in real life. What he did not know was that I worked there, so the security guard was in on it. So when I left? The guard was watching. I was safe.

Do NOT NOT NOT give this guy your address. Stick with email. I wouldn't call him on the cut-and-paste, but don't take him seriously, either.

 

[Star*]

What is it about the letters that makes you so afraid to just ask him WHY he's doing this?

I think I'd make myself a list an be very honest about WHAT my reasons are for that. Write it all out, leave the list set for a few days. Then revisit that list later and look at what I wrote.

If you intend on having a real relationship with him? What are your boundaries and rules going to be as far as dating YOU? Since you've never had other relationships? Pretend like YOU are your own MOTHER and FATHER and make yourself a list of WHAT YOU WILL AND WON'T ALLOW to date (yourself) and pretend like you would give that to him upon arriving back in the states. Stick to it. If he's not the one for you? Dump him. There are men out there that will meet and exceed your expectations (your rules/list to date my daughter/self) and if you are willing to be picky enough and patient enough? You won't continue to make the same mistakes a lot of women make getting hurt, picking loosers, picking the first guy that comes along just 'because'.

If you just want him for (you know) - then be discreet and 'whatever' - and 'whatever' somewhere else.

However if you are asking me? As a woman who has been lied to numerous times and played? He'd have one chance to clear it up. If it were that he was not able to be romantic and really wanted to sweep me off my feet? I'd want to know what HE was like. If I didn't like him for him? It wouldn't work anyway. If it ended up that he was doing it to save time? Take shortcuts? Just get 'you know'? OMG I think I'd scan a page out of a Harlequin book, just let him see it WAS a page out of a book - send him THAT - and say - "Sorry, didn't have time to pour my heart and soul into my letters to you any more, but saw this, thought of you. Figured you would appreciate it's finess."

Take care -

 

[hearts and roses]

Beth, I agree with everyone else about being cautious, but given your situation, I am more inclined to tell you to stay steady on your course to become an independent strong woman and mother.

When any one of us makes a life changing decision, such as separation/divorce, etc., we should wait at least one full year before even entertaining the idea of becoming involved with someone new. Now I know it's been almost a year, but this particular candidate has already deceived you so why even give it one more moment of your precious time?

I think that, given your personality and sense of humor, you will be able to meet someone in real life who can meet your expectations in a mate/companion - or what ever you want. Nothing wrong with internet dating sites, they are safer than what you're dealing with now, imvho. I just don't trust these kinds of situations. But that's me. Best of luck on whatever you decide.

 

[nvts]

Oh Guys - Don't worry about me...I have no intention of getting involved with ANYONE! Too many irons in the fire and not for nothing (as we say here in New York), I'm enjoying NOT answering questions as to "who's that?" "what's for dinner", "where are my underwear" - I'm loving the fact that I'm not asking someone to do something and not have it done because of whatever absolutely STUPID excuse that can be drummed up on the spot (thusly insulting my intelligence).

Were I to meet someone in person - it would not only be in a public place, but my bff said that she'd shadow. Seriously, don't worry about me - no intentions - at all. I plan on spending my summer totally unencumbered except for my kids. Oh, and by the way, I told AH that he's got to start taking ALL of them on alternate weekends starting the first weekend in May. I need a break and he's not doing anything. So, every other weekend, he'll be picking them up on Friday pm and returning them Sunday PM.

I just wanted to get all of your opinions on what would motivate someone to copy and paste. I thought it was strange, so I figured you'd all be the best people to help figure it out.

He told me that he understands what I was saying about the copied texts, but he also said that he never said he wrote them himself - he was just trying to express how he felt. He said that when he was younger, women liked it when you'd sing the words of a romantic song in their ear when you danced with them, and since he can't sing in my ear, it would be ok. to try to do so via email. I actually thought that was sort of cute in a strange way, but honestly, I don't really believe that we'll ever meet up. If we did, it would be somewhere extremely public with bff riding shotgun.

It's all good - I'm still on my path of evolving into what I want to be when I grow up!

Beth

 

[Hound dog]

Jo is right.

Sound advice is to always wait at least a year even before casual dating. A relationship? Even longer. And you're to count the first 3 guys as total rebound, in other words it's eventually going to break up. Because you're at that point testing the water to see what you want and don't want vs what you've already had. And since you don't have much experience in dating.......I'd take anything super slow. You're just now getting a taste of freedom, enjoy it, savor it, find yourself with it.

If I were to kick husband to the curb? I wouldn't even look at another man. There would be no interest. Zero. Prince Charming would have to work his tail bone off just to get me to glance his way. lol

 

[busywend]

Lol - You go girl!!

 

[shellyd67]

Beth, my bff shadowed husband and I on our 1st date too ! We were driving to get icecream and he kept looking in the rearview mirror and finally said " Is your friend in the red mustang following us ?" LMAO.

Let us know how it goes if you do decide to meet him. Shelly

 

[Star*]

Very good! Sounds like figuring out what you want to be when you grow up is working very well for you! I'm still not sure. I think truck driver - but then every now and again - I think lotto winner with an animal sanctuary.

And Hound and Beth- OMG - nail on the head. I told DF - if he EVER wasn't in the picture? Envision - a cat lady but with donkeys. I'm so done with men. Too old to train another, and too tired to bother with Beths "Where's my underwear" questions. ROFL -(answer - wherever you left them)

 

[HaoZi]

I think if I ever hear the "Where's my underwear?" question without a viable reason (read: we had too much fun), I'm going to put said underwear through my shredder and tell him to go commando.