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Man, they know how to cut to the bone
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 184660" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>I think it would come down to - what would help her learn best?</p><p></p><p>Sometimes taking away the frustrating thing can help them learn; sometimes it doesn't help at all.</p><p></p><p>Heather, it's really not easy. You need to find a way to show that whatever she is trying to project onto you or dump onto you - you're not letting it attach to you. Not wearing it. Or if you're wearing it, you're not going to let it deflect you from the main point. Sometimes our kids say mean things to us to distract us from the main issue.</p><p></p><p>Like that lovely quote from someone above here which I paraphrase - </p><p>"Mom, you are nasty, mean and horrible."</p><p>"Yep. So? And your point is?"</p><p></p><p>I got a nasty email from someone last week (a local issue - I posted about it). I replied to the email calmly, saying that I felt hurt by what the person said. The person wrote back very offensively again, saying, "Why should you feel hurt? I didn't say anything bad about you. All I said was, you're being creative with the truth. It's interesting - could it be that you feel threatened?"</p><p>Clearly, 'feeling threatened' was supposed to imply a guilty conscience. The natural response, therefore, is to deny feeling threatened. In which case - what is the problem?</p><p></p><p>So I replied (making it clear it was my last word, I was moving on and would not accept any further replies) and said, "You say you didn't say anything bad about me, and almost immediately called me a liar ('creative with the truth'). I freely admit to feeling threatened by this sort of unpleasantness. Who wouldn't?"</p><p></p><p>The email was aimed to make me angry and to then engage in a to and fro slanging match. Instead, I kept my focus on the issue at hand (apart from the comment above).</p><p></p><p>Deflecting tactics are not uncommon. They are a classic example of unfair fighting and do need to be nipped in the bud regardless of who is coming out with it. They are used by someone whose main aim is not to actually discuss the issue, just to win an argument (whatever it may be about). By the time the argument is over, nobody can remember why they were fighting and as a result, the same argument will happen again and again and...</p><p></p><p>It's a face-saving, neck-saving option. Anyone using this - be very suspicious of their real motives. </p><p></p><p>Arguments can be very productive. But unfair tactics - destructive. Very.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 184660, member: 1991"] I think it would come down to - what would help her learn best? Sometimes taking away the frustrating thing can help them learn; sometimes it doesn't help at all. Heather, it's really not easy. You need to find a way to show that whatever she is trying to project onto you or dump onto you - you're not letting it attach to you. Not wearing it. Or if you're wearing it, you're not going to let it deflect you from the main point. Sometimes our kids say mean things to us to distract us from the main issue. Like that lovely quote from someone above here which I paraphrase - "Mom, you are nasty, mean and horrible." "Yep. So? And your point is?" I got a nasty email from someone last week (a local issue - I posted about it). I replied to the email calmly, saying that I felt hurt by what the person said. The person wrote back very offensively again, saying, "Why should you feel hurt? I didn't say anything bad about you. All I said was, you're being creative with the truth. It's interesting - could it be that you feel threatened?" Clearly, 'feeling threatened' was supposed to imply a guilty conscience. The natural response, therefore, is to deny feeling threatened. In which case - what is the problem? So I replied (making it clear it was my last word, I was moving on and would not accept any further replies) and said, "You say you didn't say anything bad about me, and almost immediately called me a liar ('creative with the truth'). I freely admit to feeling threatened by this sort of unpleasantness. Who wouldn't?" The email was aimed to make me angry and to then engage in a to and fro slanging match. Instead, I kept my focus on the issue at hand (apart from the comment above). Deflecting tactics are not uncommon. They are a classic example of unfair fighting and do need to be nipped in the bud regardless of who is coming out with it. They are used by someone whose main aim is not to actually discuss the issue, just to win an argument (whatever it may be about). By the time the argument is over, nobody can remember why they were fighting and as a result, the same argument will happen again and again and... It's a face-saving, neck-saving option. Anyone using this - be very suspicious of their real motives. Arguments can be very productive. But unfair tactics - destructive. Very. Marg [/QUOTE]
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