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Manipulative son threatens and hounds
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 617354" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Tish, welcome. I am so sorry you find yourself in this situation with both your sons. Your story is a sad one and I can only imagine how depleted, exhausted, angry, sad and stunned you feel right now.</p><p></p><p>You may want to read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post here. For most of us here on the Parent Emeritus side, detachment is the way for us parents to learn to get our own lives back. Our adult children force us into having to learn to remove ourselves from their orbit of bad choices. </p><p></p><p>You have made excellent choices in getting help for yourself with NAMI and therapy. I think the next step may be that you recognize that you are not responsible for the choices your 24 year old son is making and learn the tools of detachment and ultimately acceptance of what is. I know that is a tall order, but it is clearly the way we parents can find peace of mind and regain our lives. Your grandson certainly presents more issues but you are clear you cannot raise him now and that clarity is important, many parents suffer in not knowing what to do, so it is very good that you have already made that decision.</p><p></p><p>No matter how you look at this, you're in a tough place. I have a 41 year old daughter whom I've had to disengage from, almost entirely and I am raising my 17 year old granddaughter...........I know a little about the terrain you find yourself on and as devastating as it is, there is hope for you to find your way out of this maze of profound disappointment.</p><p></p><p>Detachment is a process of making choices along the way. You're in a pretty good place in that you've made good choices already........and you have help which I believe is essential on this path.</p><p></p><p> I think for me it was a deep internal realization that there was absolutely nothing I could do, there was no way for me to control any of it, I had no power in that. I was powerless. That realization was difficult, but it also helped me to begin to remove myself from all that I couldn't control in my daughter's life. You may try the 12 step CoDa groups, I immersed myself in support any way I could find it because you have to turn your parenting completely around and let go...........and it's so hard and I needed LOTS of help. I actually found an 18 month long Codependency program through a huge HMO in Ca. lead by therapists well versed in how to detach. It was what made the difference for me...........that continuing, relentless support from professionals. I was also in a parent support group through that program in addition to regular therapy...........it literally saved my life. And around the same time I found this forum and writing my story down and getting support from others who really knew what I was going through was an amazing and really needed level of support. </p><p></p><p>You're going through a lot of really hard stuff Tish..........and at least for me, the way to find a balanced, peaceful life where you can find your joy once again is all about learning how to detach from your own kids. It is such a precarious and strange place to be and from my standpoint, it requires extraordinary levels of support to get through it. You're doing a good job already, you've sought support and that is very good...........keep posting, look for more supports for yourself, be kind to yourself, do more for yourself, take the focus off of your son and place it on yourself, shift that focus and learn to take excellent care of yourselves, you and your husband. Remember how to have fun, play, laugh, start to rebuild your lives in the way you want it to be.............you deserve that. Wishing you peace............</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 617354, member: 13542"] Tish, welcome. I am so sorry you find yourself in this situation with both your sons. Your story is a sad one and I can only imagine how depleted, exhausted, angry, sad and stunned you feel right now. You may want to read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post here. For most of us here on the Parent Emeritus side, detachment is the way for us parents to learn to get our own lives back. Our adult children force us into having to learn to remove ourselves from their orbit of bad choices. You have made excellent choices in getting help for yourself with NAMI and therapy. I think the next step may be that you recognize that you are not responsible for the choices your 24 year old son is making and learn the tools of detachment and ultimately acceptance of what is. I know that is a tall order, but it is clearly the way we parents can find peace of mind and regain our lives. Your grandson certainly presents more issues but you are clear you cannot raise him now and that clarity is important, many parents suffer in not knowing what to do, so it is very good that you have already made that decision. No matter how you look at this, you're in a tough place. I have a 41 year old daughter whom I've had to disengage from, almost entirely and I am raising my 17 year old granddaughter...........I know a little about the terrain you find yourself on and as devastating as it is, there is hope for you to find your way out of this maze of profound disappointment. Detachment is a process of making choices along the way. You're in a pretty good place in that you've made good choices already........and you have help which I believe is essential on this path. I think for me it was a deep internal realization that there was absolutely nothing I could do, there was no way for me to control any of it, I had no power in that. I was powerless. That realization was difficult, but it also helped me to begin to remove myself from all that I couldn't control in my daughter's life. You may try the 12 step CoDa groups, I immersed myself in support any way I could find it because you have to turn your parenting completely around and let go...........and it's so hard and I needed LOTS of help. I actually found an 18 month long Codependency program through a huge HMO in Ca. lead by therapists well versed in how to detach. It was what made the difference for me...........that continuing, relentless support from professionals. I was also in a parent support group through that program in addition to regular therapy...........it literally saved my life. And around the same time I found this forum and writing my story down and getting support from others who really knew what I was going through was an amazing and really needed level of support. You're going through a lot of really hard stuff Tish..........and at least for me, the way to find a balanced, peaceful life where you can find your joy once again is all about learning how to detach from your own kids. It is such a precarious and strange place to be and from my standpoint, it requires extraordinary levels of support to get through it. You're doing a good job already, you've sought support and that is very good...........keep posting, look for more supports for yourself, be kind to yourself, do more for yourself, take the focus off of your son and place it on yourself, shift that focus and learn to take excellent care of yourselves, you and your husband. Remember how to have fun, play, laugh, start to rebuild your lives in the way you want it to be.............you deserve that. Wishing you peace............ [/QUOTE]
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