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Manipulative son threatens and hounds
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<blockquote data-quote="tishthedish" data-source="post: 617361" data-attributes="member: 17103"><p>Thanks everyone for your replies. They help so much. Recovering Enabler, the situation/decision about our grandson (gs) is not really decided yet. He is our one source of joy, but my husband and I are in a different place regarding our role in his care. </p><p></p><p>I've tried to call Baby Mama (BM) today and she answers neither phone. BM lives with her stepfather and her drug dealer boyfriend. Step father will lie for her and had his own prescription drug devils to deal with. Our addicted son (difficult child 2) is out of the hospital and home and starts treatment tomorrow. I don't know where. He called and said he needed us to drop off his car. I said no, call your father. husband is out right now. If it came down to foster care or us, husband said he would take GS even if he had to quit work. I am not sure I am in agreement with him. I don't know how it would get to that point, or if it would, but I know husband doesn't fully realize what it takes to raise a special needs child. He's never been to a parent-teacher conference and has never taken either of our children to a doctor's appointment, and with both having physical and psychological health problems from Tourette Syndrome, they have had plenty. He doesn't know what an IEP is or a 504 plan. He's never met with a teacher or checked assignment books or schoolwork. My kids had these all the way through their senior year in HS and even into college. Don't get me wrong, husband was a superlative Dad in a million ways, but he just doesn't understand the emotional and physical demands of kids who are special needs. They don't stay cute little toddlers. They don't want to sit on your lap and sing nursery rhymes while watching TV. You can't parent from the couch. I've been on the front lines and know it gets harder the older they get. I hesitate to point this out to him as I don't want to blow my marriage to bits. We are facing enough loss and I bear responsibility for being a very competent "fixer" during our entire life together. He was informed of what was going on, but never involved. Since I was worked part-time so I could handle these demands and he worked full time outside the home I had most everything solved or on its way to being solved by the time his van hit the driveway. We are both suffering in our own way and the chances that they will remove GS from BM and difficult child 2 is not assured. A huge part of my reticence to take on the responsibility of GS is our situation with difficult child 1, our bipolar elder son who is in custody at a state mental home. Once he is released from custody, I don't even know if we are safe in our own home. And while quiet now, at any point difficult child 1 situation could get worse. There have been days when I have been crying so hard about difficult child 1 or talking to his doctors or public defenders that I could hardly catch my breath all while taking care of GS. Is that fair to the baby? The little guy needs so much. But to have his go to strangers is unimaginable. My head spins. I will call GS school (he goes for 6.5 hours for special help) and talk to the social worker tomorrow to give her the entire picture. They are mandated reporters, but I have spoken to her once before and she said it is a huge burden and highly unlikely that DCFS considers a parent unfit enough to remove a child and this was after GS was sent to school with a high fever for 3 days in one week and BM was absent to answer any calls and had been sending GS in dirty clothes and with a bad rash. She was giving him Tylenol in the morning to mask his symptoms from difficult child 2 (he took GS to bus every morning to ensure he got to school. It's hard for BM to drag herself out of bed to be bothered). The social worker said a parent using drugs and even if GS's condition is subpar, being "Nasty" was not enough to remand custody to another. She said she had seen kids a lot worse than GS and had advocated for them to no avail. Our state has an overburdened, broken child protection system. I feel like everything in my life is on the table. Parenthood, being a grandparent, my marriage, my emotional and physical health, <em>everything.</em></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="tishthedish, post: 617361, member: 17103"] Thanks everyone for your replies. They help so much. Recovering Enabler, the situation/decision about our grandson (gs) is not really decided yet. He is our one source of joy, but my husband and I are in a different place regarding our role in his care. I've tried to call Baby Mama (BM) today and she answers neither phone. BM lives with her stepfather and her drug dealer boyfriend. Step father will lie for her and had his own prescription drug devils to deal with. Our addicted son (difficult child 2) is out of the hospital and home and starts treatment tomorrow. I don't know where. He called and said he needed us to drop off his car. I said no, call your father. husband is out right now. If it came down to foster care or us, husband said he would take GS even if he had to quit work. I am not sure I am in agreement with him. I don't know how it would get to that point, or if it would, but I know husband doesn't fully realize what it takes to raise a special needs child. He's never been to a parent-teacher conference and has never taken either of our children to a doctor's appointment, and with both having physical and psychological health problems from Tourette Syndrome, they have had plenty. He doesn't know what an IEP is or a 504 plan. He's never met with a teacher or checked assignment books or schoolwork. My kids had these all the way through their senior year in HS and even into college. Don't get me wrong, husband was a superlative Dad in a million ways, but he just doesn't understand the emotional and physical demands of kids who are special needs. They don't stay cute little toddlers. They don't want to sit on your lap and sing nursery rhymes while watching TV. You can't parent from the couch. I've been on the front lines and know it gets harder the older they get. I hesitate to point this out to him as I don't want to blow my marriage to bits. We are facing enough loss and I bear responsibility for being a very competent "fixer" during our entire life together. He was informed of what was going on, but never involved. Since I was worked part-time so I could handle these demands and he worked full time outside the home I had most everything solved or on its way to being solved by the time his van hit the driveway. We are both suffering in our own way and the chances that they will remove GS from BM and difficult child 2 is not assured. A huge part of my reticence to take on the responsibility of GS is our situation with difficult child 1, our bipolar elder son who is in custody at a state mental home. Once he is released from custody, I don't even know if we are safe in our own home. And while quiet now, at any point difficult child 1 situation could get worse. There have been days when I have been crying so hard about difficult child 1 or talking to his doctors or public defenders that I could hardly catch my breath all while taking care of GS. Is that fair to the baby? The little guy needs so much. But to have his go to strangers is unimaginable. My head spins. I will call GS school (he goes for 6.5 hours for special help) and talk to the social worker tomorrow to give her the entire picture. They are mandated reporters, but I have spoken to her once before and she said it is a huge burden and highly unlikely that DCFS considers a parent unfit enough to remove a child and this was after GS was sent to school with a high fever for 3 days in one week and BM was absent to answer any calls and had been sending GS in dirty clothes and with a bad rash. She was giving him Tylenol in the morning to mask his symptoms from difficult child 2 (he took GS to bus every morning to ensure he got to school. It's hard for BM to drag herself out of bed to be bothered). The social worker said a parent using drugs and even if GS's condition is subpar, being "Nasty" was not enough to remand custody to another. She said she had seen kids a lot worse than GS and had advocated for them to no avail. Our state has an overburdened, broken child protection system. I feel like everything in my life is on the table. Parenthood, being a grandparent, my marriage, my emotional and physical health, [I]everything.[/I] [/QUOTE]
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