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Manipulative son threatens and hounds
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 617499" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>There is nothing you can do that you aren't already doing, Tish.</p><p></p><p>There is nothing you have to do. </p><p></p><p>We all have a dream, a kind of life plan. For you, and for me and my husband too, that dream went up in flame and smoking tatters so thick we can't even see our hands in front of our faces. Like you, we stumble around in the dark, trying to save our children, trying to help our grandchildren, trying so desperately to salvage...something.</p><p></p><p>Like you and your husband Tish?</p><p></p><p>The dream, the people we thought we were, the children we thought we were raising, the grandchildren we imagined would make us those grandparents showing everyone their pictures...all gone, Tish. What we have instead is so painfully, so horribly different than what we thought we had that it destroys something in us even to acknowledge it. </p><p></p><p>But it is what it is, Tish.</p><p></p><p>And whether we are strong enough to face and face it down, whether we are kind or wise or angry or bright or committed or loving or prepared enough? </p><p></p><p>It is what it is.</p><p></p><p>The question becomes how to survive it.</p><p></p><p>We start by taking care of ourselves first, Tish. First, take good care of you. Good physical care, if anything beyond that is too hard, right now. Just a little half second to see and feel the sun on your skin, once you are strong enough, once you are committed to your own survival enough, to give yourself that gift.</p><p></p><p>Then, take good care of, love and support and question and answer and cry and laugh with, your husband. He is as confused, as hurt and angry and disillusioned as you are. It's like the house you built is burning down, Tish. You and husband need to be on the same page, or no one is going to make it out alive. Terrible things are happening to you, to your husband, to the people you love. Like it or not, ready or not, you are the one who will set the emotional tone for how you and your family survive this. It isn't right and it isn't fair. </p><p></p><p>But it is what it is, Tish.</p><p></p><p>Is your husband serious about quitting his job to take care of his grandchild...or is this a manipulation of you? My husband can be very manipulative, too. What I learned is that, though my husband would blame the heck out of me for what I had or had not done? When I became healthy enough to stop doing husband roared in, full speed ahead. He wasn't wrong, Tish. Even if your husband is being manipulative, he isn't wrong, either. What is happening to you and to your family is the worst thing that could ever happen to anyone.</p><p></p><p>I know that because it happened to us, too.</p><p></p><p>It's still happening.</p><p> </p><p>Mostly what I have learned about surviving this kind of devastation is that forgiveness is a good first step. So, I forgive myself first. Forgive myself for not knowing, for not having seen this coming, for not being able to change one single thing, no matter what I do. That is a choice I can make, and follow through on. It's a beginning, a good place to start. Simply to decide that I want to forgive myself. I fall off that wagon all the time. But then I remember that I decided to forgive myself as a survival mechanism. </p><p></p><p>I think it is less the decision to forgive than it is that deciding to forgive teaches us that we intend to make it through this. That makes us a little stronger somehow, knowing that we intend to survive it.</p><p></p><p>During the time we were losing our marriage, my husband tried one last thing. At 5:30 every day, we were to meet in our own dining room. No television. No radio. I could have music. I picked Dean Martin. Something so old and sort of corny that it set that time apart for us. Then, we had a Manhattan together. </p><p></p><p>Because there was no pressure there, because husband was not like, all over me, but was just there for me? That time and those Manhattans saved our marriage. By the time he did that? My husband was the last person on Earth I wanted to spend any time with. </p><p></p><p>We are together 42 years, in June. We have been dealing with the loss of everything that mattered for twenty-five years. One gut punch after another...and here we still are. How does that old song go? Something about still standing?</p><p></p><p>Well, that's us.</p><p></p><p>It doesn't have to be Happy Hour for you and your husband. Maybe coffee together every day at a certain time, or maybe a long walk every day after work. Your husband is your witness, Tish. You are his witness, too. My husband and I still get into such terrible patterns when things go wrong with the kids. It's an ongoing thing, to decide to stay together. </p><p></p><p>None of this is easy.</p><p></p><p>It's a question of how you will survive, Tish.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 617499, member: 17461"] There is nothing you can do that you aren't already doing, Tish. There is nothing you have to do. We all have a dream, a kind of life plan. For you, and for me and my husband too, that dream went up in flame and smoking tatters so thick we can't even see our hands in front of our faces. Like you, we stumble around in the dark, trying to save our children, trying to help our grandchildren, trying so desperately to salvage...something. Like you and your husband Tish? The dream, the people we thought we were, the children we thought we were raising, the grandchildren we imagined would make us those grandparents showing everyone their pictures...all gone, Tish. What we have instead is so painfully, so horribly different than what we thought we had that it destroys something in us even to acknowledge it. But it is what it is, Tish. And whether we are strong enough to face and face it down, whether we are kind or wise or angry or bright or committed or loving or prepared enough? It is what it is. The question becomes how to survive it. We start by taking care of ourselves first, Tish. First, take good care of you. Good physical care, if anything beyond that is too hard, right now. Just a little half second to see and feel the sun on your skin, once you are strong enough, once you are committed to your own survival enough, to give yourself that gift. Then, take good care of, love and support and question and answer and cry and laugh with, your husband. He is as confused, as hurt and angry and disillusioned as you are. It's like the house you built is burning down, Tish. You and husband need to be on the same page, or no one is going to make it out alive. Terrible things are happening to you, to your husband, to the people you love. Like it or not, ready or not, you are the one who will set the emotional tone for how you and your family survive this. It isn't right and it isn't fair. But it is what it is, Tish. Is your husband serious about quitting his job to take care of his grandchild...or is this a manipulation of you? My husband can be very manipulative, too. What I learned is that, though my husband would blame the heck out of me for what I had or had not done? When I became healthy enough to stop doing husband roared in, full speed ahead. He wasn't wrong, Tish. Even if your husband is being manipulative, he isn't wrong, either. What is happening to you and to your family is the worst thing that could ever happen to anyone. I know that because it happened to us, too. It's still happening. Mostly what I have learned about surviving this kind of devastation is that forgiveness is a good first step. So, I forgive myself first. Forgive myself for not knowing, for not having seen this coming, for not being able to change one single thing, no matter what I do. That is a choice I can make, and follow through on. It's a beginning, a good place to start. Simply to decide that I want to forgive myself. I fall off that wagon all the time. But then I remember that I decided to forgive myself as a survival mechanism. I think it is less the decision to forgive than it is that deciding to forgive teaches us that we intend to make it through this. That makes us a little stronger somehow, knowing that we intend to survive it. During the time we were losing our marriage, my husband tried one last thing. At 5:30 every day, we were to meet in our own dining room. No television. No radio. I could have music. I picked Dean Martin. Something so old and sort of corny that it set that time apart for us. Then, we had a Manhattan together. Because there was no pressure there, because husband was not like, all over me, but was just there for me? That time and those Manhattans saved our marriage. By the time he did that? My husband was the last person on Earth I wanted to spend any time with. We are together 42 years, in June. We have been dealing with the loss of everything that mattered for twenty-five years. One gut punch after another...and here we still are. How does that old song go? Something about still standing? Well, that's us. It doesn't have to be Happy Hour for you and your husband. Maybe coffee together every day at a certain time, or maybe a long walk every day after work. Your husband is your witness, Tish. You are his witness, too. My husband and I still get into such terrible patterns when things go wrong with the kids. It's an ongoing thing, to decide to stay together. None of this is easy. It's a question of how you will survive, Tish. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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