marriage advice

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by peg2, Mar 22, 2014.

  1. peg2

    peg2 Member

    Hi,
    Guess I am on the right forum, I mean, all of our problems are usually related to our difficult child's. My husband and I are having serious issues and he is supposed to go with me to my therapist on March 31. My 2 non difficult child's are concerned he is on the fine line of verbal abuse and are concerned. I did have to get an RO against my difficult child but that was serious verbal abuse and definitely no question whether it was or wasn't DV.
    We have been married almost 11 years and I have asked him previously to watch how he talks tome and to even go see my therapist back then. He has called me names but I am the type who gives things a chance to get better; he doesn't necessarily "abuse" but behaviors are not always appropriate.
    Anyway, my real question is I have taken a stand and told him it all has to stop and we need therapy. BUT.... he feels we should live in the house as though things are normal(doing things a married couple would do- you know what I mean) but I do not feel ok with that and told him things are so far from normal, its out of control. I don't feel good about things and am very unhappy and stressed out. All of you who have been through this, what have you done? He doesn't want to live here if we can't be normal and has said he might move out. I see no other option as we have serious problems.
    HELP.................. Peg
     
  2. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    (((Peg))) I'm sorry you're going through this. My thought is that he is forcing your hand by using marital relations to decide whether he stays or goes. Unfortunately, that is controlling and abusive behavior. :(
     
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  3. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    I would say the same thing. Telling you he will move out unless you have sex with him is controlling. I would probably reply back with pack up then. But I am a smart :censored2:.

    In reality if he had respect for you he would understand why someone who is not happy would not want to have sex. If you called him a :censored2: then invited him to bed I bet he wouldn't want to get it on either. Essentially he is doing the same thing to you.


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    Lasted edited by : Mar 23, 2014
  4. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Peg, I think that as we get better at setting boundaries around our difficult child's behaviors, we begin to see where other relationships would benefit from boundary setting as well. It appears that may have happened in your relationship with your husband. Unfortunately, his tactics are controlling and punitive which doesn't allow for others responses, so he is sabotaging your attempts at any healing. You deserve the right to have your own opinions, feelings and choices and you deserve to be heard and acknowledged for those opinions, feelings and choices. Your husband ignored your feelings and stated in essence 'it's his way or the highway.' That is not any kind of healthy ground for intimacy.

    And, in my opinion, it is NEVER okay for anyone to call you names, anyone, especially your husband who should be cherishing you, not diminishing you.
     
  5. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    I agree with-the others, Peg. I am so sorry. Stand your ground, calmly. {hugs}
     
  6. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    It is in some states at least a threat to rape and could be considered an attempted rape.

    Don't push him to go to the therapist. Make sure he knows the time and date and if he comes he comes. If he doesn't, do what your therapist recommends you do, and take advantage of every service available to you and your children.
     
  7. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    Ditto, Ditto, Ditto, Ditto
     
  8. peg2

    peg2 Member

    Thanks to all!!!!!! our dilemma is that no one wants to spend the money to move out. He has said he will go to therapy with me Monday, so we will see how it goes. We are not arguing now but he is not crazy about just living in the same apartment with me and not doing much of anything. Don't have much of a choice except to move out I suppose.
     
  9. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Actually, he could choose to find a way to enjoy his life with you instead of wallowing in self-pity.
     
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  10. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Amen, Witz!

    Have you gone to talk to someone at your local domestic violence center? The verbal abuse and push for intimacy under threat of leaving is abusive and the local DV center can help. They can not only help you, they should have programs to help HIM with this. Groups for men can show them the ways the abuse is destroying the marriage, the kids, and his chances of ever having a happy life. It can help heal the old thought patterns and wounds that taught him to deal with life by abusing the ones he loves.

    Even if he doesn't accept any help, it is a resource that can help YOU through this. Services are free, so the cost of therapy isn't an excuse for him to not go.
     
  11. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    Peg, have you read Patricia Evans' books?

    My husband can be verbally abusive, too. The Verbally Abusive Relationship has been lifesaving for me, in that it contains stories/impressions/healing strategies. The dynamic behind verbal abuse is well explained.

    www.patriciaevans.com

    I agree with Recovering that as we grow through what happens with our children, we no longer see any reason to tolerate bad behavior in our other relationships.

    husband and I talk about this all the time. He doesn't like to admit to the abuse. (Sometimes? He claims to forget it happened. Or, he says I am overreacting. Other times, he says I am the verbally abusive one. Eventually, he apologizes; generally, he admits he is depressed. Over the kids, over the fact that I am gone alot just lately, over the weather. Just lately, I am trying to figure out whether this is just a sneaky way of getting to be abusive and then forgiven, or what. The thing is that, especially once you know the dynamic, recognize what is happening, and stop believing any of it has anything to do with you...the husband doesn't look very bright or pleasant or trustworthy or anything very desirable at all.

    The spell is broken.

    You see abusive behavior for the pointless, cheap shot it is.

    Pointless being the operative word, here.

    Pointless and stupidly hurtful.

    There is nothing to heal, nothing to help him through. You are in as much pain as he is, and you are not abusing him.

    Remember that it isn't only about what you got, about what did happen. It is even more about how you would feel right now if your husband had been supportive instead of abusive. How much stronger you would both be right now! Instead, he picked this cheap, pointless, hurtful, timewasting behavior.

    Oops!

    Slipped into my own world for a minute, there!

    :O)

    Your husband is using your subconscious beliefs about marital "sexual rights" to control you. This has nothing to do with sex or sexual needs. (Cedar goes a little ballistic and comes back to Earth, here.) This is a control issue for your husband.

    I don't think that kind of thing is legal in America.

    Perhaps you might inform your husband that, these days, what he wants to do is called rape.

    You might also remind your husband, before you go to therapy, whose name it is, printed right beside his on every checkbook, bank account, and credit card in your mutual possession.

    I am sorry this is happening to you, Peg. It isn't going to be easy, at first? At first, you will believe him when he says it's something you bring out in him. Or the kids bring out in him. Or your mother brings out in him. Then, one day, you will see it so clearly, Peg.

    After that, you never see abusive behaviors in the same way, again. Abusive people mean to do what they do. They do it on purpose, and to the extent they can get away with.

    You will be much happier if your husband moves out. In fact, you might call a women's shelter in your area to find out what kind of help is available for you if he does move out and you need to press charges against him for support.

    You have the power to demand better of your husband, Peg. If you aren't married for the joy of it, then why be married?

    It will make you stronger still if you begin to think about what life would be like if you were married to someone who had his priorities right. If you were married to someone who intended to have joy in his life, in his marriage, in his relationship with his kids.

    Anything else, anything less?

    Not acceptable.

    Cedar

    husband will not agree with this. Keep thinking about it in light of the joy you could have, should have, in your marriage. Not fear Peg, but joy. Soon enough, unless your husband changes, it will not matter what he thinks.
     
  12. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I so understand the only major difference is I have been in this relationship since 1983!

    For most of our lives it has been me with the mood issues and raging behaviors. Now in the past 5 or 6 years, Tony has been right there with me. I know stress is a major problem is at the root of all that is going on with us. That is one of the main reasons we moved out and left the house to the kids. The price of rent is cheaper than therapy...lol.

    We are still pretty much stuck in the ways we have been reacting to each other for the past several years. I can have a very sharp tongue and often use it to try to hurt the other person before they can hurt me. I have to work harder on changing that. Most likely if I change, he will too. We also have issues with intimacy but very different from yours. I believe he has a medical problem and that does undermine his belief in himself. Also he is getting so tired from working so hard. I worry about that. One bad thing in our case right now is that I have been so sick since we moved to this new place so it has been hard for me to do all the little things I want to do like get the place fixed up and cook a meal every night.
     
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