marriage exercise
- Thread starter Jena
- Start date
Star*
call 911........call 911
First of all Jena - (go get a cuppa something)
Secondly - I'm not a therapist nor do I play one in real life. But.....and you knew there would be a but, so here it is. Girlfriends can be sympathetic, empatheic - get happy for you, get down right angry with you, support you, hold you up when you are falling, be your voice of reason when you want to do something lesser than. When it comes to marriage? It can split a friendship in two. Best advice anyone ever gave me about giving advice on marriage? Don't. Except in the cases where a man, or woman is being abusive to their spouse or children. Then my belief is tell that person to get out. Whether you are religious or not? Staying for the sake of children or vows or whatever isn't what God had intended. (not to get preachy)
In certain cases there are signs I think that we see in other's relationships that maybe based on what you or you, or you would see as a huge red flag. For instance; I think someone who lies once about an affair is not worthy of my trust again. I have no room for forgiveness. None. In my mind, if my DF right now were my husband, and he strayed no matter what the circumstances were, and I mean no matter what the circumstances were? I would be done. I wouldn't take him back, I wouldn't even be able to speak to him. Finished. Do you hear the finality in my voice? Okay. Now take me back 25 years ago. I was married to my x. I waited my whole life to be married. He cheated, I found out, I was crushed, he admitted it - cried, promised never again, I forgave. He did it again. I was crushed, he admitted it - cried, promised never again, I forgave. This series of affairs spanned thirteen years, and over forty-one women. I didn't mistype. Forty-one. I took aids tests every three months. I got to the point where his women who knew me would come and confess to me - they were sorry about the affairs. Can you imagine that? So if YOU come to the board and write something like - "My husband had an affair, and I want to forgive him." Where do you think MY line of advice would go? - "Oh yes please it's a good idea, or "Let him rot it off, with some skank?" mildly put. lol.
With your marriage? You say it's broken, and you come here so much about it. I agree. I do think there are a lot of things that need attention in your marriage, but they need to be worked on with your husband & a counselor, and that is going to take a long, long time. Why? (shrug) Honey I don't know, but I do know a lot of people say it takes two people to make a marriage work. While I find this is true - I do know that had my x given just () much of an effort towards being the man he pretended to be when we were dating? It would have made a world of difference. The only one in MY marriage that worked on it being a marriage was me. For thirteen years - it was ALL me. So after that length of time (and like I have told you before) you just sit and wonder - WHY isn't he doing more? WHY isn't he as invested in this as much as I am? WHY does it seem like I am the ONLY one that gives a damn? Doesn't he care if we are married?
Well - Tough questions deserve good answers and then it hit me. If he won't try, if he WON'T work at our marriage, if he WON'T do more, and if he keeps doing the things that I TELL HIM - hurt me, upset me, bother me, don't work to make us partners - then...WHY AM I STAYING? And for those answer - I got myself into therapy to find out WHY DO I STAY? The answers that I thought would be so obvious? Blew my mind. Did I want to go to thearpy? Oh YES! OH JOY! OH WOW - yeah sure - I wanted to go once a week and have someone tell me I was damaged, and stupid, and messed up in the head for staying with someone that treated me like dirt. YEAH TEAM STAR! Of course not. But what I found in therapy - since my x had NO desire to go to couples thearpy, or to go to therapy for his addictions (and there were a lot), or our marriage - was that a lot of why I stayed was VERY MESSED UP. I needed to Mother, I needed to fix, I needed to show everyone I wasn't a quitter when the world quit on me for being adopted. His family didn't like me and I'd show them. There were scads of reasons - ALL wrong. What I did find out eventually was who I was, what I needed to say to my x, where my OH NO YOU CAN NOT DO THAT TO ME was, - my boundaries, and my "No" factor was at. I didn't have that before - basically he saw a doormat, wiped his feet on me, and once he did that? It just built up years of mud, and layers of resentment. Each little thing was like another layer, and then even small forgiveable things became bigger and bigger things until I had nearly no forgiveness left for him - or anyone. It happens. After my marriage? I literally hit my knees and asked for compassion. I swallowed so much of the big things afraid to tell him about how I really felt - or told him about it in a wrong way - yelling, screaming and never really resolved it - that when the little things came around? They became HUGE - and I just layered resentment after resentment, after resentment until one day I swear to you he could have gone to the store and I asked for M&M's and he brought back a Reeses cup and in my mind he forgot the M&M's because he was 'dinkin' the convenient store girl and couldn't have cared less about what I wanted. Stupid for sure - but that's how it starts and you don't even realize it - and neither do they. Then you just drift apart, farther and farther and have no clue.
You may not consider your marriage abusive, but I do see you making a lot of excuses for M's behavior in your posts. He sleeps all the time because he's XX, he lied about his texting because he XX. He upsets me because he XX. He doesn't spend time with the kids because he XX. What I don't see is M did XX for me. M did XX for me because he said he loves me. M did XX for me because he said I needed a break. M did XX for the kids because. I see lots of things FOR M, but not a whole lot FOR you. Maybe he thinks a house, utilites, and taking care of the house is it for you? I don't know, but what I do know is that whatever there is that is passing like ships in the night between the two of you? Needs to be worked out with a therapist that can mediate on common ground for both of you or else I just don't see the two of you ever finding your common ground. You love him, he loves you - if this is true - then there shouldn't be much of a problem in wanting to do whatever it takes to save the love you both have that made you both make a lifetime committment to stay together come what may.
In the mean time? If the person that your telling all the marriage stuff to isn't listening to you - and you're having to take it to your girlfriends for a solution? You need to tell him you're taking it to the wrong person. Not that we don't love you - because you know I do..but it's HIM that you need to work this out with. Actually he's the best one TO work it out with, mostly because he's really the only one that can tell you what will work for him and you. And if you do it in front of a therapist on an even playing field? Slowly, kinda like a referee to make sure he's doing what he's supposed to be doing and you're doing what you're supposed to be doing - and if you don't - he tells the referee - and vise-versa? Then you can work it out together. That's why therapy works. Trying to do it on your own does not. It's like trying to play the Superbowl without referees and instant replay. You need a professional mediator when you get this far apart to help bring you back together. You can't see why he's over there, He can't see why you're so far over there - but the guy in the middle is listening to both of you and is trying to draw you both back together.
That's what I'm sayin' - don't come here and not blow a cork - or pull a cork. (god knows) I'd pull one with ya. If I pulled corks. Just maybe try tossing not BLOWING M your cork instead and see what happens. If he doesn't know what to do with it? Then maybe that's what you get the non partisan referee for?
Kapish Paisan?
Okay - well off to eat a hotdog or something -
Hugs & Love Always -
Star
Secondly - I'm not a therapist nor do I play one in real life. But.....and you knew there would be a but, so here it is. Girlfriends can be sympathetic, empatheic - get happy for you, get down right angry with you, support you, hold you up when you are falling, be your voice of reason when you want to do something lesser than. When it comes to marriage? It can split a friendship in two. Best advice anyone ever gave me about giving advice on marriage? Don't. Except in the cases where a man, or woman is being abusive to their spouse or children. Then my belief is tell that person to get out. Whether you are religious or not? Staying for the sake of children or vows or whatever isn't what God had intended. (not to get preachy)
In certain cases there are signs I think that we see in other's relationships that maybe based on what you or you, or you would see as a huge red flag. For instance; I think someone who lies once about an affair is not worthy of my trust again. I have no room for forgiveness. None. In my mind, if my DF right now were my husband, and he strayed no matter what the circumstances were, and I mean no matter what the circumstances were? I would be done. I wouldn't take him back, I wouldn't even be able to speak to him. Finished. Do you hear the finality in my voice? Okay. Now take me back 25 years ago. I was married to my x. I waited my whole life to be married. He cheated, I found out, I was crushed, he admitted it - cried, promised never again, I forgave. He did it again. I was crushed, he admitted it - cried, promised never again, I forgave. This series of affairs spanned thirteen years, and over forty-one women. I didn't mistype. Forty-one. I took aids tests every three months. I got to the point where his women who knew me would come and confess to me - they were sorry about the affairs. Can you imagine that? So if YOU come to the board and write something like - "My husband had an affair, and I want to forgive him." Where do you think MY line of advice would go? - "Oh yes please it's a good idea, or "Let him rot it off, with some skank?" mildly put. lol.
With your marriage? You say it's broken, and you come here so much about it. I agree. I do think there are a lot of things that need attention in your marriage, but they need to be worked on with your husband & a counselor, and that is going to take a long, long time. Why? (shrug) Honey I don't know, but I do know a lot of people say it takes two people to make a marriage work. While I find this is true - I do know that had my x given just () much of an effort towards being the man he pretended to be when we were dating? It would have made a world of difference. The only one in MY marriage that worked on it being a marriage was me. For thirteen years - it was ALL me. So after that length of time (and like I have told you before) you just sit and wonder - WHY isn't he doing more? WHY isn't he as invested in this as much as I am? WHY does it seem like I am the ONLY one that gives a damn? Doesn't he care if we are married?
Well - Tough questions deserve good answers and then it hit me. If he won't try, if he WON'T work at our marriage, if he WON'T do more, and if he keeps doing the things that I TELL HIM - hurt me, upset me, bother me, don't work to make us partners - then...WHY AM I STAYING? And for those answer - I got myself into therapy to find out WHY DO I STAY? The answers that I thought would be so obvious? Blew my mind. Did I want to go to thearpy? Oh YES! OH JOY! OH WOW - yeah sure - I wanted to go once a week and have someone tell me I was damaged, and stupid, and messed up in the head for staying with someone that treated me like dirt. YEAH TEAM STAR! Of course not. But what I found in therapy - since my x had NO desire to go to couples thearpy, or to go to therapy for his addictions (and there were a lot), or our marriage - was that a lot of why I stayed was VERY MESSED UP. I needed to Mother, I needed to fix, I needed to show everyone I wasn't a quitter when the world quit on me for being adopted. His family didn't like me and I'd show them. There were scads of reasons - ALL wrong. What I did find out eventually was who I was, what I needed to say to my x, where my OH NO YOU CAN NOT DO THAT TO ME was, - my boundaries, and my "No" factor was at. I didn't have that before - basically he saw a doormat, wiped his feet on me, and once he did that? It just built up years of mud, and layers of resentment. Each little thing was like another layer, and then even small forgiveable things became bigger and bigger things until I had nearly no forgiveness left for him - or anyone. It happens. After my marriage? I literally hit my knees and asked for compassion. I swallowed so much of the big things afraid to tell him about how I really felt - or told him about it in a wrong way - yelling, screaming and never really resolved it - that when the little things came around? They became HUGE - and I just layered resentment after resentment, after resentment until one day I swear to you he could have gone to the store and I asked for M&M's and he brought back a Reeses cup and in my mind he forgot the M&M's because he was 'dinkin' the convenient store girl and couldn't have cared less about what I wanted. Stupid for sure - but that's how it starts and you don't even realize it - and neither do they. Then you just drift apart, farther and farther and have no clue.
You may not consider your marriage abusive, but I do see you making a lot of excuses for M's behavior in your posts. He sleeps all the time because he's XX, he lied about his texting because he XX. He upsets me because he XX. He doesn't spend time with the kids because he XX. What I don't see is M did XX for me. M did XX for me because he said he loves me. M did XX for me because he said I needed a break. M did XX for the kids because. I see lots of things FOR M, but not a whole lot FOR you. Maybe he thinks a house, utilites, and taking care of the house is it for you? I don't know, but what I do know is that whatever there is that is passing like ships in the night between the two of you? Needs to be worked out with a therapist that can mediate on common ground for both of you or else I just don't see the two of you ever finding your common ground. You love him, he loves you - if this is true - then there shouldn't be much of a problem in wanting to do whatever it takes to save the love you both have that made you both make a lifetime committment to stay together come what may.
In the mean time? If the person that your telling all the marriage stuff to isn't listening to you - and you're having to take it to your girlfriends for a solution? You need to tell him you're taking it to the wrong person. Not that we don't love you - because you know I do..but it's HIM that you need to work this out with. Actually he's the best one TO work it out with, mostly because he's really the only one that can tell you what will work for him and you. And if you do it in front of a therapist on an even playing field? Slowly, kinda like a referee to make sure he's doing what he's supposed to be doing and you're doing what you're supposed to be doing - and if you don't - he tells the referee - and vise-versa? Then you can work it out together. That's why therapy works. Trying to do it on your own does not. It's like trying to play the Superbowl without referees and instant replay. You need a professional mediator when you get this far apart to help bring you back together. You can't see why he's over there, He can't see why you're so far over there - but the guy in the middle is listening to both of you and is trying to draw you both back together.
That's what I'm sayin' - don't come here and not blow a cork - or pull a cork. (god knows) I'd pull one with ya. If I pulled corks. Just maybe try tossing not BLOWING M your cork instead and see what happens. If he doesn't know what to do with it? Then maybe that's what you get the non partisan referee for?
Kapish Paisan?
Okay - well off to eat a hotdog or something -
Hugs & Love Always -
Star
so a bat is out of the question?? LOL violence solves nothing .......... just kidding!!!! i get you i always do. we'll c is how it goes.... heading to therapy on monday haven't been in two weeks when we needed it the most due to grandfather passing and guy took vacaction.
yea husband does for me, watches kids so i can ride, we allocate money for it each week, he brings home stuff each night, is there to listen when i need it. on occassion i'll see the 7eleven speciality flowers lol.
i'm difficult also i want what i want kinda woman i'm never happy with what i get froma man i've heard this before by the way. i'll write more later gotta run difficult child world awaits!~!!!!
love ya sister from another mister!
yea husband does for me, watches kids so i can ride, we allocate money for it each week, he brings home stuff each night, is there to listen when i need it. on occassion i'll see the 7eleven speciality flowers lol.
i'm difficult also i want what i want kinda woman i'm never happy with what i get froma man i've heard this before by the way. i'll write more later gotta run difficult child world awaits!~!!!!
love ya sister from another mister!
LOL........
ya know what i have so much junk going on, lol. i'm sitting here laughing right now at how absurd it all is. how i haven't lost it yet, or beaten him with a bat
joking...........
i just keep on maintaining thank god! today was lyme disease for me and easy child calling in a panic due to having to see a gynecologist......... i can't wait to wake up tmrw and see what that brings LOL........
WOW. wish it was wednesday and time to ride again. only thing and here and movies that keep my sanity!
ya know what i have so much junk going on, lol. i'm sitting here laughing right now at how absurd it all is. how i haven't lost it yet, or beaten him with a bat
joking...........i just keep on maintaining thank god! today was lyme disease for me and easy child calling in a panic due to having to see a gynecologist......... i can't wait to wake up tmrw and see what that brings LOL........
WOW. wish it was wednesday and time to ride again. only thing and here and movies that keep my sanity!
H
HaoZi
Guest
Hey Jen, you ever watched "The Ref" with Denis Leary and Kevin Spacey? If not, add it to your movie list.
umm with my recent memory loss i could of lol i'll rent it. what's it about?? tonight we're watching christmas with the kranks lol difficult child pick ofcourse. i have my pj's on already and my blanket around me and difficult child's making me a shake i've got her doing dishes too each night. so she isnt' doing her homework during spring break yet ive got her doing other junk
i've got her doing dishes too each night. so she isnt' doing her homework during spring break yet ive got her doing other junk
H
HaoZi
Guest
LOL, it's another Christmas time movie, but if you've EVER been through a nasty divorce it's even more funny. Ditto Mr. and Mrs. Smith.
H
HaoZi
Guest
In a number of movies I agree with you.
AnnieO
Shooting from the Hip
OK, I like what Star had to say about marriage advice, honestly we can all tell you our points of view based on our experiences - but we are not you. We cannot tell you exactly what to do.
What I can say is this, a reverend once told me this. You cannot change anyone else. You can only change you. You can ask for what you need/want, but you cannot always expect to get it.
So if we can't change the world in general? We CAN change how we react to it. (And if anyone should come up with a good way to get this through my daughter's head, please let me know...!)
Hugs, hon.
What I can say is this, a reverend once told me this. You cannot change anyone else. You can only change you. You can ask for what you need/want, but you cannot always expect to get it.
So if we can't change the world in general? We CAN change how we react to it. (And if anyone should come up with a good way to get this through my daughter's head, please let me know...!)
Hugs, hon.
lol and than email me it too PLEASE!!
one thing i can say for sure today i thought about it was i was cleaning hoardville is that we have solved some issues........
we solved the ex problem - she has been blocked for 3 weeks now. the level of frustration due to her has decreased it's non existant. she's working thru manipulating kids now re being blocked yet we talk to kids and we ignore. she's beginning to learn to talk to him like a person upon pick up and drop off. he said who knew we could live this way. (also gives him time in therapy to work thru junk she left him with without her creeping up his you know what).
we stood together and handled easy child issue. didn't want to yet came to agreement on how to proceed. we have. he catches me when i fall and want to go grab her.
we also work together on difficult child as far as what to do next, he's been a good sounding board for me regarding medications, school etc.
he's worked with me on where to live, first we went searching thru new neighborhood than i said ok let's stay here so he bought ton of flowers (the tiny ones lol) so i could plant and enhance here.
he's caught himself and i've caught him at least 2x on being respectful during frustrating times and finding his words and explaining his feelings without getting defensive. he's caught me too quite a few times being short and nasty and ive reigned it in.
he's wants to go away in summer for our honeymoon. get away for 4 days just us a reprieve already picked the place, figuring out how to pay for it and trying to arrange with ex when he can take difficult child.
the work schedule and me not feeling well is a challenge. its his own personal work to understand nights i dont' want to "be with him" it isnt' person i'm just hurting and tired and he needs to learn to respect that and not have a meltdown due to getting hurt (thats where the ex junk comes in)
together we've figured out thru talking how to proceed with business sale, what will work, what wont' work. also him now learning to draw boundaries with his dad that he's never done before in his life! his dad walks all over him.
hes' also stated that even though affording me riding each week at 50 a pop he wants to continue affording it because he said i need it, the time alone is crucial and i return so much happier than when i left.
he also agreed to make more of an effort on family days days he's off to spend time with me and kids. the other night we did movie nite with them.
our next hurdle is easter.. we're both nervous if easy child shows and stepdaughter older one shows there might be a war. their both loose cannons right now adn ready to explode at moments notice. so we sat down and came up with a plan if it does occur.
as far as past goes, i choice to stay after i caught him texting the waitress and the old friend of his over two years ago now. that was my choice to forgive him. i bring it up all the time. he said i have never lived this down. i also dont' check his phone anymore i'm slowly learning to trust a man. not easy for me.
so all in all i guess we're making some progress and i should flip glass the other way fora bit.
one thing i can say for sure today i thought about it was i was cleaning hoardville is that we have solved some issues........
we solved the ex problem - she has been blocked for 3 weeks now. the level of frustration due to her has decreased it's non existant. she's working thru manipulating kids now re being blocked yet we talk to kids and we ignore. she's beginning to learn to talk to him like a person upon pick up and drop off. he said who knew we could live this way. (also gives him time in therapy to work thru junk she left him with without her creeping up his you know what).
we stood together and handled easy child issue. didn't want to yet came to agreement on how to proceed. we have. he catches me when i fall and want to go grab her.
we also work together on difficult child as far as what to do next, he's been a good sounding board for me regarding medications, school etc.
he's worked with me on where to live, first we went searching thru new neighborhood than i said ok let's stay here so he bought ton of flowers (the tiny ones lol) so i could plant and enhance here.
he's caught himself and i've caught him at least 2x on being respectful during frustrating times and finding his words and explaining his feelings without getting defensive. he's caught me too quite a few times being short and nasty and ive reigned it in.
he's wants to go away in summer for our honeymoon. get away for 4 days just us a reprieve already picked the place, figuring out how to pay for it and trying to arrange with ex when he can take difficult child.
the work schedule and me not feeling well is a challenge. its his own personal work to understand nights i dont' want to "be with him" it isnt' person i'm just hurting and tired and he needs to learn to respect that and not have a meltdown due to getting hurt (thats where the ex junk comes in)
together we've figured out thru talking how to proceed with business sale, what will work, what wont' work. also him now learning to draw boundaries with his dad that he's never done before in his life! his dad walks all over him.
hes' also stated that even though affording me riding each week at 50 a pop he wants to continue affording it because he said i need it, the time alone is crucial and i return so much happier than when i left.
he also agreed to make more of an effort on family days days he's off to spend time with me and kids. the other night we did movie nite with them.
our next hurdle is easter.. we're both nervous if easy child shows and stepdaughter older one shows there might be a war. their both loose cannons right now adn ready to explode at moments notice. so we sat down and came up with a plan if it does occur.
as far as past goes, i choice to stay after i caught him texting the waitress and the old friend of his over two years ago now. that was my choice to forgive him. i bring it up all the time. he said i have never lived this down. i also dont' check his phone anymore i'm slowly learning to trust a man. not easy for me.
so all in all i guess we're making some progress and i should flip glass the other way fora bit.
