M
ML
Guest
I have been meaning to post about my situation for a while now but finding the time is always a challenge. The computer is in the basement and difficult child has me on a short leash. His separation type anxieties are as heightened as ever and he doesn't like me far from him.
I was married for 17 years to my first husband. I left finally because of his gambling addiction. He was doing too many things that were harmful to us as a family. I went through 13 years of trying to have a child and thought life would be so much better than it turned out to be. I begged and pleaded with him to stop what he was doing (won't go into details) and get a job but he told me in no uncertain terms that he would never stop and would never get a job. I left with my then 2.5 year old son because he was unable to provide any kind of stability and now that I was a mom, I needed that more than ever. This was before I really knew I had a difficult child.
Here comes the dumb part. I went into a rebound online relationship barley weeks after the divorce was final. We dated for about a year (it was a semi long distance one whereby we traveled every 3 - 4 weeks back and forth). I fell hard and thought that I had finally discovered love and a soul mate. I had just turned 40 then. We got married and he moved to my state and and we tried to start a life together.
He was a sober alcoholic (about 8 years). Almost immediately I realized that things weren't what I had expected. He was moody and withdrawn and acted like he hated me. I guess he resented giving up a life that he had known all his life for love that couldn't provide whatever he had expected it would. I think he is bipolar and he met me during a high phase and that was the person I fell in love with. It was really stupid of me to jump so quickly into another marriage. Believe me I know and I've done a lot of beating up on myself for it too.
Coming off one divorce, I was determined to MAKE this work. I could change, I could make him happy, right? Wrong. Five years later and I'm more unhappy than ever and so is he. I don't think he has ever been happy though. He went back to drinking for a while and just in the past 3 weeks went into the hospital for alcholism and has been a dry drunk since. It's almost worse than when he was drinking because at least then he was nice and warm torwards me at times. Now he withdrawls and detaches giving off silent hositilty and resentment and it's killing my spirit. My difficult child son has been through a lot of change. I want to leave so badly but I am not sure how difficult child will rebound. He's known husband for 5 years as a stepdad. He doesn't do change well at all. And husband despite being withdrawn emotionally has shown my son a lot of love and difficult child loves him in his own way.
husband does nothing to help me. I am raising difficult child alone and it's so hard. We don't even interact at all and when we do he's a jerk and I'm a @#tch. We bring out the worst in each other. He had already raised 2 kids and hadn't signed up for a difficult child. I don't blame him. It's just too much for him and I can accept that.
I have no resentment towards him. I forgive him and I am working on forgiving myself for having jumped into the deepend of this life that I now find myself drowning in. I just want to do what's right but I can't stand his unhappiness and resentment towards me any more. I've made enough bad choices in my life that I'm so afraid of making another one.
As unhappy as he is, he doesn't seem like he's going to leave without my initiating it. I'm not sure why.
I could use some advice.
MicheleL
I was married for 17 years to my first husband. I left finally because of his gambling addiction. He was doing too many things that were harmful to us as a family. I went through 13 years of trying to have a child and thought life would be so much better than it turned out to be. I begged and pleaded with him to stop what he was doing (won't go into details) and get a job but he told me in no uncertain terms that he would never stop and would never get a job. I left with my then 2.5 year old son because he was unable to provide any kind of stability and now that I was a mom, I needed that more than ever. This was before I really knew I had a difficult child.
Here comes the dumb part. I went into a rebound online relationship barley weeks after the divorce was final. We dated for about a year (it was a semi long distance one whereby we traveled every 3 - 4 weeks back and forth). I fell hard and thought that I had finally discovered love and a soul mate. I had just turned 40 then. We got married and he moved to my state and and we tried to start a life together.
He was a sober alcoholic (about 8 years). Almost immediately I realized that things weren't what I had expected. He was moody and withdrawn and acted like he hated me. I guess he resented giving up a life that he had known all his life for love that couldn't provide whatever he had expected it would. I think he is bipolar and he met me during a high phase and that was the person I fell in love with. It was really stupid of me to jump so quickly into another marriage. Believe me I know and I've done a lot of beating up on myself for it too.
Coming off one divorce, I was determined to MAKE this work. I could change, I could make him happy, right? Wrong. Five years later and I'm more unhappy than ever and so is he. I don't think he has ever been happy though. He went back to drinking for a while and just in the past 3 weeks went into the hospital for alcholism and has been a dry drunk since. It's almost worse than when he was drinking because at least then he was nice and warm torwards me at times. Now he withdrawls and detaches giving off silent hositilty and resentment and it's killing my spirit. My difficult child son has been through a lot of change. I want to leave so badly but I am not sure how difficult child will rebound. He's known husband for 5 years as a stepdad. He doesn't do change well at all. And husband despite being withdrawn emotionally has shown my son a lot of love and difficult child loves him in his own way.
husband does nothing to help me. I am raising difficult child alone and it's so hard. We don't even interact at all and when we do he's a jerk and I'm a @#tch. We bring out the worst in each other. He had already raised 2 kids and hadn't signed up for a difficult child. I don't blame him. It's just too much for him and I can accept that.
I have no resentment towards him. I forgive him and I am working on forgiving myself for having jumped into the deepend of this life that I now find myself drowning in. I just want to do what's right but I can't stand his unhappiness and resentment towards me any more. I've made enough bad choices in my life that I'm so afraid of making another one.
As unhappy as he is, he doesn't seem like he's going to leave without my initiating it. I'm not sure why.
I could use some advice.
MicheleL