Matt's new all time low

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Steely, Nov 10, 2009.

  1. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Matt has hit a spot I never thought he would be at age 19. He has regressed completely back to a 5 year old. He went from being able to move into transition housing 2 months ago, to being in stabilization and one step away from going to jail today.

    They have him confined at stable, and he is getting worse by the day. He is a 6'3 five year old. He is throwing things, trying to hit people.......he is being horrible. Beyond horrible.

    I am so lost with this. I have no idea what to do. How could everything crumble in a week? Is being confined to stable making him go ballistic (not that there is ever an excuse for it)? If it is, I guess it is too late now, because he has been acting so awful there is no other place for him.

    He is acting like a wild animal, it is ludicrous. I just don't get it. It is like "game is on" for him - and he is pulling out every trick he learned in manipulation & intimidation. Yet 2 months ago, he was responsible enough for the program to consider him for transition. And no, of course they do not think it is medication related because they feel he is always in control. Umm OK.

    Of course, they have said that if I intervene at this point, than I will be rescuing him which is exactly what he wants. So our phone contact is minimal and always supervised, and the message from the program is that I should just let them break him of thinking he can manipulate things with his aggression. Which I agree with. It is just that something seems so wrong. And I cannot pin point it. He seems so completely different from the last year - and I just don't get it. He would have never acted this badly at his intermediate housing's program. But now that he is at stable, the challenge is on.

    Ideas or thoughts are appreciated.
    Thanks & sigh..............At least I know I am not alone. Hugs to us all.:faint:
  2. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    Oh honey, I am so sorry. I cannot even begin to imagine how horrible it has to be to see him go from doing so well to this way. It sounds like he is possibly losing touch with reality. I know they do not think it is the medications, but I wonder if an ap would help him? You very probably could have already tried one of them, but I know that ap's make the world of difference for my difficult child and I wish husband could tolerate them, they were great mood wise for him, but I am dubbing him the king of side effects. If it is possible he gets it. With difficult child they have allowed him to be calmer, to be more comfortable with himself and his feelings.

    Anyhow I wish I could do something to make it better. When they get worse it triggers so much **** for us. I know for me when husband or difficult child are doing poorly my mind just starts spinning and whirling like I am guessing yours could.

    Hugs. Lots of hugs.
  3. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    It's horrible to watch them regress, and do it so badly.

    I'm going to ask a silly question......but does he see a therapist reg while there.....maybe they touched on something in therapy that has triggered this? Maybe a sort of eruption of emotions kept pent up for a long time?

    Seems odd that he'd plunge so far down after doing so well.....but it does happen. I'd have to wonder about the medications though if no other reason can be found. Seems odd it would be so drastic without some sort of trigger. Especially because he'd been doing so well for such a longish time.
  4. flutterby

    flutterby Fly away!

    The suicide rate of a person is higher not when they are in the depths of depression, but when they are coming out the other side.

    I say that to illustrate what I'm thinking. 2 months ago, Matt was ready to go into transition housing. Everyone thought he was ready, I'm assuming even himself. I'm wondering if it also, though, scared the living hell out of him. I'm wondering if he is reacting out of fear. I would suspect it is probably something he himself would be unable to articulate at this point.

    Just my thoughts. I may be way off base, of course, but thought I would put it out there.

  5. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Yes, Flutter, I do think he was super scared by it. I think that there is an element of self sabatoge to all of this.

    I will try and talk to the psychiatrist about medications again. Although I feel like the team is patronizing me at this point, and they think that tough love is what it is all about. Grrrrr. I am so confused.

    He is seeing a therapist frequently, and I know this was triggered by a plethora of things - however - it just seems to drastic. It is one thing to be triggered - yet it is another to go off the deep end.
  6. horserider

    horserider New Member

    So sorry for the news Steely. BiPolar (BP) is so hard on our difficult child's and those that love them. The times they are doing okay leaves you with so much hope, the consitency of staying well, I'm learning, can be hard to achieve. Which of corse makes it painful for us to bare.

    I agree, it can be very confusing. {Hugs} and prayers your way
  7. He may be thinking...what do I have to lose by trying the manipulation route. I mean, he did everything he was supposed to do to move to transition and look where he ends up. Definitely defeating. So why bother controlling himself, its not like he can get anymore restricted. My Matt fell apart in the spring, as we pushed for independence. For some of our guys, being 19 is a very scary time. Everyone tells them that they are adults and their decision/consequences are theirs but that is too much because they really don't have anything of their own (education, money, support) to rely on and they don't feel they can rely on themselves.

    Hope he runs this course out soon before too much damage and long term consequences are done.
  8. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    ((((HUGS)))) for you and for Matt. It's like he's held it together, held it together, for so long and where did he get him?, so he gives up. I know the hurt from seeing a difficult child sabotage everything they've worked hard for, just when normalcy seems within their grasp. (((HUGS)))
  9. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I dont know your son so I really cant give any insight that can be completely accurate. If the professionals believe this is manipulation, I would take them at their word. These kids can do manipulation so well. I know I did it and I know Cory did and still does it. It is horrible to watch. There is really not much you can do but ride it out and wait for him to come to the conclusion that he is not going to win this war. Its a bit like a two year olds tantrum. If you give in every time they throw down on the floor, then they learn that it works. Matt is trying every trick he every learned to attempt to get his way. Eventually he will realize they arent working. Then he will start using the tools he has been taught and start on an upward path again. It just takes time.

    I hate to use the term of breaking them but in reality that is what has to happen. Its like training wild mustangs. Our kids cant run wild in society because there are rules out there that they have to comply with. It isnt the wild west anymore where they could go off and live off the land completely alone. They were born in the wrong time. I think years and years ago, our kids may have been able to just be themselves and be ok. They would have worked so hard tending a huge plot of land, they wouldnt have been in trouble. Or they would have been famous bank
  10. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Steely, is "stable" a location, like solitary confinement, that the kids are moved to to "get stable?"

    Just a shot in the dark.....Holidays? The holiday season is approaching. Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas all bring major feelings to the forefront, be they positive or negative feelings. Rob was a WRECK during those times and really struggled at his Residential Treatment Center (RTC). He was mad, sad, inside/out and upside/down. It was exhausting for all of us.

    Major milestones always threw Rob for a loop. When he was finally moved from the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) to a group home, a week before his high school graduation he decided to skip school with his girl friend, which brought an administrative threat of him not being able to participate in graduation. (fortunately, he did) You get my drift.

    I'm with Janet......I think your only choice is to let this run its course and not buckle.

  11. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry, Steely. Hugs and prayers going out.
  12. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Wow Janet...........I think about what Matt would be like 100 years ago all of the time. He would have been the warrior, the conquerer, the leader of the clan. Just like you said.
    Now I feel like he is being shoved into the world's box and he doesn't fit. Seriously I have never seen him break in these situations, and he has been in a lot of them. I guess a part of me is scared to see what will happen if he breaks. I fear he will lose a little part of his soul. I guess possibly I am over relating to him - because I have lost little pieces of my soul when I have been broken. However, I guess sometimes, I also don't believe in or trust our world of psychiatry.

    I do agree he is behaving just like a horrible, spoiled 2 year old - and something has to change.

    Suz yes stable is a place, isolated in the woods, where the kids get "stable". When "stable" they return to the main program.
    And yes, this all started when he was about to move to transition and then his birthday was looming...........his birthday always seems to start the downward spirals of the holidays & and the year. If only I could erase the countless Cmas I have spent in his downward tail spins.

    Thanks for the thoughts and prayers. I just can't think of anything else to do right now, except wait it out.........yet I know them confining him is making things worse.
  13. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Steely...the problem is he has to learn to fit in or he will forever be in a box with someone else controlling him. He has to learn this. Maybe it will take a short stay in jail with real bars around him for him to realize he doesnt want those bars around him. I dont know. It appears that the fear of real jail time is what brought Cory up short. No amount of me lecturing or therapy or medication convinced him that society had rules. Tossing him in jail did. Of course, it is like teaching him the stove is hot. He needs reminders. Sigh.

    I hope Matt can learn this lesson without the real bars.
  14. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am so sorry. I am coming in late here.

    Stable is a place out in the woods where he is alone and raging/tantruming? WHO is he manipulating if he is out in the woods away from everyone? Or with just a couple or three staff people there?

    This is a major high stress time with all the holidays. Add in the progress to transition away from this place he was doing so well in and the resulting brew is very volatile.

    I question the sudden change though. Normally (if that exists with a difficult child) a difficult child does not go from transition to 5yo with-o some severe triggers.

    I just cannot help wondering if some kind of abuse is/was going on. It is an ugly thought. I hesitated to mention it. With the staff warning you not to take him away AND monitoring phone calls it just seems to me that they are covering things up. I would also assume all mail/packages from home are monitored also.

    There are many cases of abuse and cover up in the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) business but not all are like this. Some are excellent but others are praised as "the solution" for our kiddos and then are abusive. There are many ways they can cover abuse, and monitoring calls/mail is just one way.

    I hope and pray that no abuse has happened and that it won't happen. I just think it is a possibility that needs to be evaluated.

    Sending many many hugs.