maybe a little Occupational Therapist (OT) - how much makeup for 13 yo?

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by ksm, Aug 22, 2011.

  1. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    Our first meltdown in a week - and it was over how much make up a 13 year old girl should wear to school. What do most parents do when it comes to this? I don't want to fight over makeup - but I don't want her to go to school looking like a 13 year old trying to look 18 either. Any other parents dealing with this at back to school time? Besides make up - I think she had on three necklaces, two bracelets, and the largest earrings she owned... like these big double hoops with a charm in the middle. I have tried to tell her that usually, if you wear large earrings, you tone down other things. THanks for any advice. ps - she has blonde hair and fair skin - so all the black eye makeup really looks out of place... KSM
  2. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    It's pretty subjective. What grade is she in? Teach her to use minimal make-up to look naturally beautiful AND all the maintenance that goes with wearing it, including cleaning up after herself every morning after she puts it on. And intro her to a moisturizer with sunscreen, maybe a tinted one instead of foundation if she's trying to go full-face, I would consider that a reasonable compromise.
  3. keista

    keista New Member

    Sounds EXACTLY like what the neighbor girl looked like in middle school. Her mom couldn't talk her out of it, and neither could I. At 19 she's toned down quite a lot but the way she globs on that eyeliner, she looks like a raccoon!

    in my opinion a mom isn't going to get her daughter to tone down makeup. Take her to a makeup artist, or one of the counters at the big department stores (do they still do that?) and get her a "make over" Have a professional show her that less CAN be more, and that just few changes will "glam" her up for a party.

    An alternative would be an older teen who does a great job with her own makeup. Amazingly enough, my raccoon neighbor does a great job with my girls. She respects my "limits" on the amount of makeup even when doing a 'glam' look. And since she did it all, the girls LOVE it. Of course, they don't get to go to school like that ........yet. We'll see what happens in a few years.
  4. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    I had my older son's girlfriend invite cgfg on an "impromptu" "lets go get facials" outting. Cgfg was 13, fiance was 21 - old enough to do a great job, young enough to be really cool. They had their makeup done at one of those makeup counters, then they went together and picked out some great makeup they both liked, and fiance helped cgfg put it on and get gussied up for an evening out. It worked really, really well. Instead of caked on dark makeup, cgfg now does a really nice job (there was a learning curve...sometimes it was too much, but most times that was an honest mistake) I offered to pay fiance, but she declined.
  5. ThreeShadows

    ThreeShadows Quid me anxia?

    I don't know, I'm sooooo lost about what is acceptable. I just found out that 15 y.o. daughter has been shaving her pubic hair fo a while now. She told me eveyone does it. Why would a young teen do that?
  6. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    "Manicured" is the thing these days. And unfortunately, its a topic of conversation they have.
  7. keista

    keista New Member

    Yup, and if you don't manicure, and talk about it to prove it, you can't claim that your 'rents let you go to the beach in the skimpy thong either.
  8. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    its everywhere.
    And it starts in about grade 5.
    And if you're not on-stream with the others - the girl bullying is extreme and relentless.

    We're not on-stream... but we tiptoe around the edges just enough to cut the BS down to tolerable.
  9. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    The raccoon eyes and plastered on makeup was a battle I chose not to fight, figuring that if Miss KT was determined to look like a hot mess, she was gonna look like a hot mess. Plus, it's just makeup - it washes off. Seventh grade was when the games began around here...not even remotely fun years. The only thing I insisted on was that she be clean and wear clean clothes.
  10. I remember wearing green and blue shiny, creamy, nasty eyeshadow in middle school. Not both colors at the same time, although, honestly, I don't know that it really would have looked worse. My mother didn't really wear make-up -- she did that weird 50's red red red lipstick and messed with her brows and that was about it. [Yeah, she was caught in a time warp or something.] Anyway, I knew she wasn't going to be much help for me, so I created a really awful look.

    Every difficult child is different, but I wish someone had helped me think through what was I trying to do. Had I been asked, I would have said, Everyone wears this, but it wasn't true. Many girls didn't wear any make-up at all. I think I had the idea that it was going to make me look prettier -- although not an attractive young teen, I wasn't so horrible that shiny green eyeshadow was an improvement.

    I've told my daughter that when she wants to wear make-up to let me know and I'll show her how to do it right. That young people often don't understand that subtle is better and put too much on. That the idea is to enhance your own looks and that if people notice the make-up, you've really put on too much. Weirdly, some young girls think that they are making themselves more attractive to boys -- not the case. They are really wearing it for other girls, mostly to get their approval and to show they "fit in" with them. Nothing like everyone looking like a sad, sickly raccoon to validate your technique with cosmetics!

    Daughter is going into 8th grade (I need to update my signature!). No make-up is actually allowed at this point. I expect I'll show her how within the year. A little lip gloss and a little mascara would be OK soon; eyeliner is iffy because it's hard to do right. It is very hard to explain to a teen who wants to cover up acne that putting make-up over it will really make it worse.

    One approach that works with some girls is to explain that there is a huge difference between fashion and style. Heavy black eyeliner on a blonde is fashion, not style. Most girls really want to have their own personal style but have no idea what that really means. A good make-up counter person can help explain what colors look good on people and help a person develop a "look" she likes. Some, though, are one-trick ponies and make everyone look like a street-walker. Sometimes it helps to point out that a fair-skinned person needs more subtle colors -- the dark colors are too much contrast.

    A lot depends on the girl's friends -- if they are sensible girls who don't want to spend all of their pocket money on make-up, avoiding swimming because they don't want their make-up messed up, etc., life is a lot easier. If they are uninterested in school and want to be Bratz dolls (fashion, music and boys), it's harder.

    Good luck. Hope there was something in here you could use.
  11. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the advice and understanding. I have tried to get her to compromise - which is not a skill she has - would rather just argue about why she should be able to wear what she wants, etc... then gets mad because we didn't compliment her on how pretty she was in all her "glory"! Tried to explain that we always think she is pretty - and that extra makeup does not make her prettier. When she went in to 7th grade, I bought her a mineral powder foundation,, a light blush, and two lip glosses - a pinkish and peach colored. All very natural and not bad for skin. Even then, she had blush from the side of her nose to her hairline! I have told her several times on how to apply blush... and maybe that has got better.

    I have dark hair and darker skin, so when she raids my stuff, she is using dark mascara. I have tried to tell her that I would buy her some brown for her - but as you all know - black is IN. I was hoping to wait for all the eye junk til high school - which is next year. I tried to get her to compromise and wear a little mascara... not keep putting more and more on. As I type, she is up and getting ready for school... I am almost afraid to go look. If I say anything she will start crying and yelling that all we do is criticize her and never tell her how pretty she is.

    Well, time to get off the computer and have a look... husband just told me she is wearing her short shorts. Please God, give me patience! KSM
  12. keista

    keista New Member

    All so very true.

    by the way do girls still melt eyeliner to put it on? I burnt myself several times doing that until I discovered the liquid stuff. My lines were ALWAYS crooked.
  13. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    OK... Slightly different perspective.

    Starting in 9th grade - my parents allowed me to have makeup. This was mid-80s. I wore pink, blue, green, yellow - yeah. Not all at once. But I even had colored mascara (in fact, I do again now, and I wear colored eyeshadow to match my clothes...)

    I never got into the raccoon-thing, because I was HORRIBLE with eyeliner. I could and did use it, but only on the top, because I couldn't get it close enough to my lash line. (Being dang near legally blind didn't help.)

    So... Bio gave O makeup at age 8. I was thoroughly disgusted, because it wasn't accompanied with any direction or assistance (dark eyeshadow and RED lipstick). So, for O's 10th birthday, husband and I got her our version of makeup - super light blush, pale grey and blue eyeshadow, and clear mascara. And I sat down with her and taught her to apply it properly... We would have preferred to wait a few years, but we had to do damage control... She promptly lost all interest in makeup. But by age 12... Raccoon. And it looked BAD. I figured - and husband agreed - if she wants to look like she's the walking dead, so be it.

    She's a lot better at applying it nowadays.

    Oh - I am fair haired and skinned. I cannot wear brown mascara, it looks awful. I prefer black...
  14. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    Ugh! The makeup games...

    My difficult child is definitely the "raccoon" variety. I have never seen anyone go through eyeliner pencils the way she does. She wears them down to little nubs in a matter of weeks because she applies it so thick and heavy every day.

    The makeup issue is, in my humble opinion, just a symptom of the larger issue of learning to be comfortable in one's own skin. And let's face it, that awful, gawky, acne stage is pretty hard to look at in the mirror every day. And no one wants to still look like a little kid by the time they reach high school - and yet, they still don't look nearly as adult and sophisticated as all the stars of those "teen" shows and movies {Course, no one ever tells you that the stars of those teen shows are well into their 20s!} girls reach for the make-up and the questionable clothing in an attempt to cover up the "little kid" parts of them that are still showing through.
  15. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Our middle school actually has this in the dress code - "distractive" is the word they use, and they apply it broadly.

    In other arenas, they are more specific: no short shorts or skirts, NO ripped jeans, NO muscle shirts.
  16. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    Today I bought her her own dark brown eye pencil for eyelining, brown/black mascara AND one of those little torture tools to curl your eyelashes. Maybe if she curls them, they will seem better to her - and give her something to do that doesn't involve raccoon eyes. Hope this helps! And I am taking back my makeup that she has taken from me. KSM
  17. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Errr... Actually, now might be a GOOD lesson on why you should NOT share makeup...
  18. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    I never got the hang of the eyelash curler thing. I did the dark make-up in HS (neatly, but darkly) and I'm naturally dark brunette (or so I recall from the days before hair dye about the same time) with pale skin. I've already trained Kiddo that she needs sunscreen (not that she puts it on everyday, but her medications make her pale skin burn even easier than usual so she ought to) and told her that when she is interested in make-up I'll teach her how to do it and find colors that are good on her without being overboard, because it should enhance you, not define you.
  19. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Caked on makeup is to HIDE your face, not enhance it...

    I have a great (sarcasm) picture of O, where she was not allowed to wear makeup to school for pictures? Her hair is covering her face.
  20. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I was actually watching a show on the Kardashian's (I know, I never watch them but it was on and I was doing something else) and the mom was on and one of the daughters who was getting married was also on and they happened to be talking about make up. Seems there are two younger sisters in this family who are like 12 and 14. These younger two are itching to do things the older sisters get to do...guess so.

    Well the mom seems rather strict if you can believe it and the kids are whining about wanting to wear make up and I think it was Kim who said that no, her mom sent her and her sisters to a make up artist when they were 15 or 16 and got them lessons on how to do their make up tastefully and well for their birthday present. That seems like a very good present.