Maybe It's Me...

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by JulienSam, Feb 29, 2008.

  1. JulienSam

    JulienSam New Member

    Sometimes I wonder if I'm not the one with emotional problems. I know Sam's only 4 (almost 5), and that most of his meltdowns aren't done intentionally -- but I'm worn out.

    Started the day by taking him to preschool... everything was fine until we got to his classroom door & he doesn't want to go in. I try to walk him in & get his hands washed (classroom rule when coming in), only to be hit repeatedly and told "I hate you!". He wanted to go home & play his Star Wars game. I told him that if he came home, there's no way he's playing any games. Rather than try to leave him in almost meltdown mode with his lovely teachers, I decided to just take him home.

    In the car, I'm in tears. Why don't I EVER see anyone else's kid behaving this way? Why can't my kid simply go enjoy himself for a few hours with some great teachers & other kids?:sad-very:

    Sam decides when we're 1/2 way home that he'll go to school... he promises me no meltdowns if we go back. So we go back to school, I walk him into the classroom & even stay for a few minutes -- he looks calm, so I leave.

    I get home, have enough time to go to the bathroom & take off my shoes before the phone rings. It's his teacher (who I love) saying Sam's been crying since I left & is absolutely inconsolable. I tell her I'll come get him.

    When I arrive, he's calm & painting with one of the teachers. She asks if he still wants to go home or if he wants to stay & play. Go home.

    So we do. He has a snack & just as I'm about to have us both lay down for a rest, the repairman who's supposed to come later today, calls & wants to come earlier. Sam seems ok with-o the rest, but I certainly could've used one.

    I'm SO tired... on so many levels. I literally feel like my nerves are frayed -- and every little thing that I should be able to just roll with seems to knock me down.

    I look at baby pictures of him & just don't understand how we got where we are. Was it something I did or didn't do? And that brings me back to wondering if it's just me again...

    Looking for some peace... and a little quiet would be nice too. :dissapointed2:

    Julie
     
  2. lovejud

    lovejud MovingOn

    I am SO sorry. I understand the tired feeling. My saving grace is that after a long day, as soon as my hubby gets home I drop everything and lock myself in the bathroom for a while. Sometimes I take a good book (when everything is semi-calm and I think I can get some time in before someone is banging on the door and yelling) and sometimes I just turn the shower water on and sit on the floor and cry. I hate crying in front of the kids although it happens frequently, especially during the bad part of my roller coaster ride, because it makes my difficult child feel bad and sometimes it causes him to get further upset because he internalizes and thinks that its all his fault when he is having such a hard time controlling himself. And my husband is just now starting to understand, although he is sooo far from emotional and I am sooo close to being an emotional/hormonal sob story that usually he looks at me like I'm from outerspace. So in a rambling way--I'm sending hugs and encouragement.
     
  3. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    Hon, I feel your pain. I had so many days like that. Heck, years even. What was *I* doing that was eliciting this type of behavior from difficult child that others weren't seeing? It's pretty sad, but when difficult child started exhibiting the same behavior with my mom, I was actually relieved. It wasn't just me!

    As Moms, I think it's just our cross to bear, so to speak. We are the nurturers; the ones that our children know love them unconditionally and, therefore, are 'safe'. We also have an over-developed sense of guilt.

    (((((hugs))))) to you. It's not you. I don't know if that makes you feel better or not because I know you don't want to watch your child struggle. But, it might at least help to ease the guilt that is unjustified and a waste of energy and emotion.
     
  4. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Hon,
    It just isn't your fault. I would say that by doing the back and forth he is getting a lot more power, and you are losing it. Not a great thing. Why can't the teacher calm him down, or let him sob to the nurse for 30 mins or so BEFORE they call you? Set a time limit that if he is still upset by lunch then you will pick him up. But if you take him to school he has to stay. For at least X amount of time.

    It will get easier with school. Some kids just are not ready for it at 4 1/2. Is this class required by the state, or just a playgroup/mom's day out thing? If it is mandatory, you are going to have to talk to someone about an IEP for the missing days, or you will get in trouble.

    He is young, if this is the first year he has attended school I would bet money that you are NOT the only parent of a child in your district going through this. And many of us went through it too.

    If and when you do take him home, it should be as totally boring and work related as possible. HAve him help with chores, carry heavy things around (provides some calming sensory stimuli) and then rest. NO play time. Not if he is supposed to be at school. If he won't do chores, he must rest.

    I wish it were easier. What do the teachers recommend? If they have been teaching very long they have probably seen this behavior. What have they recommended??

    Hugs,
    Susie
     
  5. Lulu

    Lulu New Member

    I'm sorry you are so down. We're here for you to vent to! I totally understand your guilt and self-questioning, but the other posters are right--it's not your fault. I've gone through the same thing myself on more than one occasion with both children. Good luck.
     
  6. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Believe me, you are not alone on this. I still wonder at times if it's me. I look back and think of all the things I could have done differently, even though I know that every decision I made was made with Miss KT's best interests in mind. I think we've all been conditioned to think that if our child isn't behaving, it must be something we're doing wrong, and it's so hard to break out of that mindset. I wish I had had someone to tell me it wasn't anything I was doing or not doing...maybe I wouldn't have beaten myself up as hard. Hugs to you. I know, it's so hard.
     
  7. barbie

    barbie MOM of 3

    Its not you, (and I say this jokingly and lovingly because I have heathens myself) Its THEM, ITS THEM , those stupid perky happy moms who have the children who sit still by them as they all walk happily down the grocery store aisle, while our kids have now not only opened the pudding cups but have proceeded to finger paint their sibling who is screaming at the top of her lungs, mooommmmmmeeeeee, my stupid brother is touching me with brown stuff. and when you take the pudding cups away he begins to wail and the people who just walked passed you give you the dirty looks again. Its their fault. We are more than them we are super moms we deal with more in one day than that heffer will deal with in her lifetime, we will cry, laugh, cry some more, get angry and fight for everything our kids have, and when the little bugger turn around and tells you "why cant I have that, mommy I hate you" you simply respond by sticking out your tongue and give them the mommy curse.... cause someone did it to us.... someday you will have kids that are just like you when that happens I want you to think of this moment when you hate me, you little ingrate. And we move on.
     
  8. wakeupcall

    wakeupcall Well-Known Member

    ALL that I am forever greatful for is that my difficult child is the only one of my children at home. I truly don't think I could handle the sibling stuff in addition to the other everyday s**t. Bless you!
     
  9. JulienSam

    JulienSam New Member

    Thanks, ladies for the support. It's been better this week (of course he hasn't been in school, and our schedule is pretty light, which helps).

    Barbiealonso -- I have to say that while I've had many SUPER frustrating moments with Sam, and have wondered what my role in his behavior has been, it hasn't made me bitter. While I'm sometimes frustrated because I don't see other kids behaving like Sam, when I connect with reality, I understand that not all kids are perfect -- and some just save their trying moments for home where I don't see them. I don't begrudge another mom who isn't dealing with the things we are -- just a little jealous sometimes. I'm sorry things are so rough for you, esp. during your recent grocery trip (I'm guessing).
     
  10. giggleseasy

    giggleseasy Glad I'm not alone.

    I'm sitting here, going in between laughing and crying, because this is the story of my life! I have a beautiful and brilliant 5 year old that has been diagnosed with ODD and Post Traumatic Stress, and there isn't a day that goes by that I am not crying and just wishing that I had one of those children that behave perfectly all the time. *I do, she's 8 and perfectly behaved*, I feel so alone, my parents don't understand, and I don't know where else to turn for help dealing with this.
     
  11. SRL

    SRL Active Member

    Welcome to our forum, giggleseasy. This isn't a job for the feint-hearted, that's for sure.

    When you're ready, feel free to start a new thread to introduce yourself and your difficult child to us.
     
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