Meeting New People- Do You Have A Preference?

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Confused, Mar 23, 2015.

  1. Confused

    Confused Active Member

    Ok, Im not talking dating( who has time for that?) But I guess we could throw that in!

    Friends either sex, would you prefer them to have had kids or loved ones who have been through what we all have been through with our kids?

    I know I been thinking about this, I mean, before it was so easy to be friends with any and everyone of every walk of life. Im not judgmental ( try not to be because I dont like it done to me!!!) But seriously, with the drama, the experience, the possible canceling "hang outs" or couples nights or whatever, who better to understand then other parents like us? Not saying others wouldn't care or try to understand, I just been finding it easier to talk to parents with kids with "issues" whether mental or physical. A thought... is for those who dont "get it" will eventually "run" for the hills and think we are full of of it?!! I don't know if Im making sense!!

    Im just curious, Im trying to get my confidence and trust back up and make some new friends, but, Im just thinking of the definite days or nights there will be issues, and there may be many! ( Hopefully not but you never know) Some of my experience -I have lost friends with "normal" kids because of these issues.
  2. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    Would Alanon meetings be a good place to begin?

    I try to be very careful about who I allow in at a heart level.

    There are very few, and those are friendships which have lasted for years.

    Remember to cherish yourself, and to be kind to yourself, and remember joy. I am always telling everyone to be a gentleman, and that includes me, even though I am a woman, not a man.

    A moral code is a good thing to have and abide by.

    People do the strangest things.

    Know that I wish you well in this, as I do in all things.


  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    It is hard to date when you are no longer a kid. Finding time to meet people is hard enough and if you don't like bars (yukky place to meet people in my opinion) or work isn't an opportunity, you could try online. My son has tried it for a long time and doesn't care for it, but at least it gives him a chance.

    As for friends, do you go to church? Have hobbies? Can you sing?

    I kind of didn't think about compatible kids once they got past the eight year old stage. I just wanted adult time.
  4. Confused

    Confused Active Member

    Scent Of Cedar- Very good points :) And yes, morals wood be a great place to start! Thank you so much, your very wise :)

    MidwestMom- True, Im not worrying about dating ( well, just have my "entertainer crushes " actors, singers haha ) I hate bars too! But Im not looking for compatibility for my kids, Im just looking for compatibility with female/male friends for me. I was just saying that maybe if" my friends " had kids like mine, or a relative they would understand if plans had to be canceled or was having a rough day, they would judge me less or not at all compared to those who dont have kids like ours? Just friends! Not ready or wanting a relationship , but just threw that in! ( on that note, I never seem to attract the guys Im interested in any ways -another reason I dont want to date, besides, my life needs to be settled first and I have to love me first!!!) Nope, cant sing, dont like to dance, do like to volunteer and some sports( not active in the sports tho) Church, long story, but, do need to go back.

    *******Thank you both!!!
  5. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Back in the day when I was a single mom, I looked for friends who had kids because I never got a break from Miss KT. I also started a singles group at church that grew into a solid bunch of people, some with kids, some without, but it was fun. Then I remarried, and had to get used to a whole new (often judgmental) group who told me how wrong I was.

    Maybe take some community college courses if you can?
  6. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    You need a life away from the kids and the drama of having Difficult Child's. My friends are a mix of all kinds of people ( some have Difficult Child's and some have no children) and we get together when we can. My # 1 thing is no shop talk. I go out to get a break. I come here to vent, rant, and pick brains.
  7. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    To me, the keys to friendship are a similar moral code (not identical, just in the same range) and a shared interest. The shared interest becomes the subject of conversation, the focus of the friendship. Later, maybe we show more of ourselves, depending.

    Right now, most of my "friends" are people who have kids who share the same interests as my kids (challenging or not). As both kids have challenging interests, it makes life... really interesting.

    Once I have time to pursue my own interests again (in addition to, not in place of, the above kid-related ones, because I enjoy those too...), I'll end up with some friends again that don't have kids, some who are single, etc.
  8. nlj

    nlj Well-Known Member

    I think that's the same with me. I'm very wary of making new freindships and disclosing anything about my son or about my step-daughter's birth-mother. I've had experience before of sharing stories with someone in confidence only to find that she had told a load of other people. It was the swift end of that friendship.

    I tend to make shallow new friendships, such as women at my crochet circle or at yoga. They're friends to say hi to and have a cup of tea with, but I say very little about my personal life.

    I have a small group of close, long-standing friends who have known each other since we were teenagers in college and one who has been my closest friend since we met at nursery school at age 4, but she's more like a sister really.

    I dated a lot after I finally got rid of my first husband, but my son was away in university then and it was before he became too off the wall. I can imagine that it must be difficult, although honesty is always best I think, but not too much info too soon! When I met my second husband he was the single father of a baby and had an awful lot of baggage. That didn't put me off though. If it's the right person, then the baggage doesn't matter so much.
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  9. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    Possible to take a karate class? It will open a new world of interests and disciplines, and the friendships you form there will be solid. Look for a class offered at a YMCA or from a small dojo that does not promise too much.

    Those will be sincere, and you will come away well-trained.

    Challenging ourselves to learn something we have never thought about trying, or feel too mature or embarrassed to try is good for the spirit.

    We grow and grow. It is only when we stop and look behind us that we see how very far we have come.



    Or, what about a photography class at local college?

    If you do go back to church, think about joining the choir. That would challenge me enough that I would try do it.

    Maybe what we are all trying to say is not to seek friendship out of loneliness or boredom. Alone is a strong, good place.
  10. Confused

    Confused Active Member

    KTMom91- Thats a great idea... sorry you got judged later on...

    pasajes4- Yes, I felt guilty for so many years leaving them to go to lunch with a female friend, but your right! Sometimes its nice! Your right! No shop talk, great point!

    InsaneCdn- also great point, takes time to know each other, I see what your saying.

    nlj- Im careful too, Im tired of being judged because they dont understand about my kids or why I have to cancel, yes even and sometimes esp the females! Glad you have some great relationship with your friends!

    Scent of Cedar- na, I cant sing and wouldnt, but its not because Im bored, frankly, I have no time for friends right now~ ( future looking at) and being lonely, nope, not that either. Im not to sociable right now anyways!! I just miss having my friends like I used to have some good once many years ago( kids and teenage stuff good old times) And missed just having those type of special people in my life. Miss that connection ya know?

  11. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    To meet new people you have to put yourself out there. Getting involved, volunteering, joining groups; church is a good one for these but if church is not your thing there are always local groups you can join. Pick things that you enjoy doing or want to learn about.

    You won't know about a person until you start to get to know them.

    There are different levels of friendship. I have some friends that my husband and I play cards with once a month (4 couples) while I like these people I do not go into a lot of detail about my son. Then there's my life group at church, they know everything about my son and all the troubles.

    In the beginning when getting to know people the question of "do you have children" always comes up. I always answer, yes I have one adult son. If the questions continue like, what does your son do, I will answer, I really don't know as we are estranged due to his lifestyle choices we do not have much contact. I let it evolve from there.

    For me I think it's important to have friends that you can trust with personal information, the inner circle friends. I also think it's important to have friends that you can do fun things with, like playing cards. I don't want my whole life to be about my son and the troubles we have had.

    One of my very dear friends has 2 easy child. Our friendship started out very casually but over time we have grown very close and she is very understanding and empathetic about my Difficult Child.

    I think in order to have a good, long lasting friendship it takes time to cultivate and nurture.
  12. Confused

    Confused Active Member

    Thank you Tanya M :) True it takes time to know them and trust. And you right, I dont plan on telling anyone else about my issues you all know is enough! But, the just in cases I will be careful on who I say what to from now on! Thank you for your examples, I got some ideas! Glad you have your circle of whos and how much and what type of friends!
  13. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    To Insane Canadian and anyone else interested: I feel a shared moral code is imperative.

    I can not tell you how uncomfortable I felt listening to my sister blabbing to me about her relations with a married man. That is soooooooooooooo against my moral is a dealbreaker with a friend, but this was Sis before I realized Sis was a toxic force in my life. She also told me about how she let the next boyfriend abuse her (while if I said one bad word to her she'd cut me off for years). I had trouble hearing her allowing him to abuse her and there were other things...she's a drinker who thinks getting drunk a lot and using cocaine is ok sometimes, etc. It IS ok...for other people.

    If you don't have similar moral compasses and behaviors you have nothing in common. A good start is common morals and interests and common feelings about how to spend free time (in bars or at home, for example). It's not that easy to make friends. Especially trustworthy ones. JMO ;)
  14. Confused

    Confused Active Member

    Thank you!!!!!!!