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Meeting with son and wife
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 448037" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>He doesn't have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). My other son, Sports Fan, has Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). It was debilitating for him for a while as he had to count everyone's word. But Sports Fan has a heart and would not do this to his family. </p><p></p><p>When asked, S. said he agreed to the meeting out of "curiosity." There is no interest from him in a relationship.</p><p></p><p>Whoever asked if I was Jewish, actually I'm not, BUT that is my background and sitting shiva, at least in my head, is not a bad coping mechanism. Yes, he is thankfully alive and well (I would NEVER wish him anything but good health, a long life and happiness), but he is worth mourning in MY world. I never really did that or there would have been no letters for him to hang onto (for whatever purpose he is doing that). I am going to look up the ritual and start doing that so that I can emotionally detach. I am also going to read a book on grieving, however I feel as if I've gone through a lot of the steps already. I just have not reached "acceptance" 100%. But I'm 80% there. </p><p></p><p>I feel more clearheaded and enlightened about this situation than I have felt in a long time. I have no doubt that S's angst and anger and feelings of betrayal are very real. But I can not live up to his expectations. One "rule" is that I never discuss anything about him with anyone else in the family. He and his wife accused me of gossip. Here is an example of what they considered gossip:</p><p></p><p>When K. (his wife) planned t he wedding, S. and K. decided not to allow any children at the reception, not even Jumper and Sonic (his siblings who adored him). But when we were at the actual reception, there were SEVERAL little kids, probably no older than five, and they were all Chinese (K's side of the family). When questioned about it by my other daughter in law, they never answered. To this day, I have no idea why Sonic and Jumper had been excluded because of the "no kids" rule, but then kids were there. My other daughter in law got angry and called S. up to yell at him about that. I didn't want her to do it, but I couldn't stop her. K. and S. are angry at ME over that phone call. They said I had to have told her about their "no kid" rule and that this was "gossip." Huh? This is what actually happened:</p><p></p><p>Sports Fan and his wife wanted to know what the younger kids were wearing to the reception (or something similar...they had a question about the younger kids and the reception). I told her that there were no kids allowed. My daughter-in-law was shocked and asked, "Not even THEM?" No, not even them. In fact, nobody from OUR side of the family was even in the wedding party, but that's another story. Back to the "no kid" thang. Well, when Sports Fan and his wife went to the reception, they saw little Chinese children there. Naturally, they put 2 plus 2 together and figured out that there was a "no k id" exception, but that Sonic and Jumper were not on the exception list. Being the brother and sister of the groom, they found it odd and were angry about it and protective of their younger siblings. Now talking about any of the wedding rules at all to anybody in the family was considered "gossip" to S. and K. Here's one more example of "gossip."</p><p></p><p>My ex recently let it slip that S. owned a particular type of company that manufactures XXXX. I told S. at our meeting that I thought it was great that he was in the XXXX business. He said, with a smile, but he meant it, "Oh, now I have to scold Dad. He wasn't supposed to tell you that." I said, "Why?" He said, "He's not supposed to tell anyone anything about me. Don't worry. YOU aren't in trouble. HE is." He said it good-naturedly, but...</p><p></p><p>What rot! Sorry, but I am incapable of being that secretive with my family. What if I slip up and it's not on purpose? Ex was trying to help me by telling me a little about S's life, and now the poor man is going to get a wagging finger under his nose for sharing this "gossip" with me.</p><p></p><p>Sadly, I have mostly seen heartache from older child adoption. I only know of one time where it has seemed to work. An adoption therapist believes he (and most older adopted kids) have attachment disorders of various degrees. I'm sure there are exceptions. He is not the exception...at least...perhaps he is angry at his birthmother and taking it out on me. One can only guess. I"m sure he would laugh and say that it's not true...that it was MY behavior. Perhaps it is, but...</p><p></p><p>Who can have a relationship with anyone this way?</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 448037, member: 1550"] He doesn't have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). My other son, Sports Fan, has Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). It was debilitating for him for a while as he had to count everyone's word. But Sports Fan has a heart and would not do this to his family. When asked, S. said he agreed to the meeting out of "curiosity." There is no interest from him in a relationship. Whoever asked if I was Jewish, actually I'm not, BUT that is my background and sitting shiva, at least in my head, is not a bad coping mechanism. Yes, he is thankfully alive and well (I would NEVER wish him anything but good health, a long life and happiness), but he is worth mourning in MY world. I never really did that or there would have been no letters for him to hang onto (for whatever purpose he is doing that). I am going to look up the ritual and start doing that so that I can emotionally detach. I am also going to read a book on grieving, however I feel as if I've gone through a lot of the steps already. I just have not reached "acceptance" 100%. But I'm 80% there. I feel more clearheaded and enlightened about this situation than I have felt in a long time. I have no doubt that S's angst and anger and feelings of betrayal are very real. But I can not live up to his expectations. One "rule" is that I never discuss anything about him with anyone else in the family. He and his wife accused me of gossip. Here is an example of what they considered gossip: When K. (his wife) planned t he wedding, S. and K. decided not to allow any children at the reception, not even Jumper and Sonic (his siblings who adored him). But when we were at the actual reception, there were SEVERAL little kids, probably no older than five, and they were all Chinese (K's side of the family). When questioned about it by my other daughter in law, they never answered. To this day, I have no idea why Sonic and Jumper had been excluded because of the "no kids" rule, but then kids were there. My other daughter in law got angry and called S. up to yell at him about that. I didn't want her to do it, but I couldn't stop her. K. and S. are angry at ME over that phone call. They said I had to have told her about their "no kid" rule and that this was "gossip." Huh? This is what actually happened: Sports Fan and his wife wanted to know what the younger kids were wearing to the reception (or something similar...they had a question about the younger kids and the reception). I told her that there were no kids allowed. My daughter-in-law was shocked and asked, "Not even THEM?" No, not even them. In fact, nobody from OUR side of the family was even in the wedding party, but that's another story. Back to the "no kid" thang. Well, when Sports Fan and his wife went to the reception, they saw little Chinese children there. Naturally, they put 2 plus 2 together and figured out that there was a "no k id" exception, but that Sonic and Jumper were not on the exception list. Being the brother and sister of the groom, they found it odd and were angry about it and protective of their younger siblings. Now talking about any of the wedding rules at all to anybody in the family was considered "gossip" to S. and K. Here's one more example of "gossip." My ex recently let it slip that S. owned a particular type of company that manufactures XXXX. I told S. at our meeting that I thought it was great that he was in the XXXX business. He said, with a smile, but he meant it, "Oh, now I have to scold Dad. He wasn't supposed to tell you that." I said, "Why?" He said, "He's not supposed to tell anyone anything about me. Don't worry. YOU aren't in trouble. HE is." He said it good-naturedly, but... What rot! Sorry, but I am incapable of being that secretive with my family. What if I slip up and it's not on purpose? Ex was trying to help me by telling me a little about S's life, and now the poor man is going to get a wagging finger under his nose for sharing this "gossip" with me. Sadly, I have mostly seen heartache from older child adoption. I only know of one time where it has seemed to work. An adoption therapist believes he (and most older adopted kids) have attachment disorders of various degrees. I'm sure there are exceptions. He is not the exception...at least...perhaps he is angry at his birthmother and taking it out on me. One can only guess. I"m sure he would laugh and say that it's not true...that it was MY behavior. Perhaps it is, but... Who can have a relationship with anyone this way? [/QUOTE]
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