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Meeting with son and wife
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<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 448131" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>MWM, </p><p></p><p>You know what? It's a good thing that you are who you are. It's a great thing for your Son that you have remained so loving all these years even if you were sending nasygrams because without anger - there really isn't feeling, without feeling you are void of emotion, without emotion; you are void of the ability to love. Without love? You are dead inside. Some people like you and a lot of others in the world are fueled by love. The wanting and necessity to please others, to make things good for others, and sometimes you get blindsided by so much passion that your emotions take over and well you get desperate to connect and it comes out like a nasygram. The recipient in this case failed to see that what was really an attempt to reach out and be a part of the life of a son she raised. </p><p></p><p>On the other side of that exact same Mother / Son coin? The one undeniable thing in all of the two lives that were once under the same roof? You raised this child. Now, you didn't raise him to be callous, or uncaring, hateful or mean. Those are traits that he's harbored in his heart or polished himself along the path of his own life. Those feelings he gets to claim and deal with all on his own, as a man. If you will - think of them as the link in the chain he's forged in life - just like Jacob Marley in the Christmas Carol when the ghost comes to warn Ebenezer Scrooge. It's not much different. Ebenezers childhood wasn't a bad one either. HIs adulthood was his own. His choices and decisions; his own. Just like your son. Those were things that you could not predict, or change for him. Try as you may - it's whom he's chosen to become because - of his anger - WHICH sadly is something that has fueled him to become what <u><em>some</em></u> would call successful. </p><p></p><p>I say some because for all his money, for all his religious rantings, for all his smugness, and double standards to forget his roots and deny the only Mother he's really had in life? The one that raised him and still harbor such anger in his heart? He's not happy, he's not at peace, he's not a leader among men, he's not an example I'd want my children to aspire to - not really. I can have all the money in the world, but if I don't have a content heart, if I don't have a satisfied heart, if my walk isn't right, true, just? I'm not really successful - and so for him? I feel such an emptiness that he covers up with such bravado - so many rules, so many "if you want to be my friend, here is a list of how you must go about it." WHAT a RIDICULOUS and HURT person he must be even in his own mind - to try and control the only person in his life that loved him without ANY conditions from the first. You never looked at this small, wonderful Chinese child and said -"For you to live in MY home - you must -----and fill in the blanks." BUT I would suspect in HIS mind - this is how he feels, and this is how he is trying to make others feel that are around him. He's got a very twisted view of how things were in his life, and the person that he would REALLY like to be angry with and really LIKE to have it out with? He can't - so he picks the one person in his life - that he CAN - YOU. Because he knows he can hurt you, and to him? That feels JUST. His Mother. </p><p></p><p>I think if you DID NOT MATTER TO HIM AT ALL......If he felt NOTHING AT ALL? He never would have initiated a meeting whatsoever. But it's taken a little boy years and years to come to grips with how much anger he's had pent up, except at 34 - he had to be cool, and collected------not yelling, or sporadic or loose face. And to him? Yes, he's told off "his Mother" because he was abandoned.....and I believe in doing the same to you? He feels he's justified what he feels was once done to him. It's more like a little boy saying "Well there.......HOW DOES THAT FEEL?" and it's not YOU.....that I think he's trying to attack...in his mind whether he'd ever admit it or not? He's attacking his Father and Mother from China. (or from here wherever he was originally from) </p><p></p><p>I'm not sure about anything psychologically standing - but from an adopted kids point of view? I may be closer than most. And I would suspect also - that if he does have such money as you say - he's TRIED to find his birth parents and failed. Had he found them? His anger would have been directed at them. (just a guess) Unless he had found them, and was told lies. Hard to say. </p><p></p><p>As far as him being dead to you? Well - I think that's your right and choice. However you need to do it to get over the pain of what you are going through. When I'm ever asked? I find it's easier sometimes to just say I have one son. Some days I don't want to get into the explaination of the deaths of the other two. Or I don't want to explain about them being adopted or how it all came about. Other days I just say I had three boys, one is living and it will be our great joy if he makes it to 21 - what a handful......hoping they skip the Oh I am so sorry business.....or ask at what ages we had them in the home or how it all happened. IN any event? You will find your niche....and like Dude tells me - I saved the best for last. lol. </p><p></p><p>Sending you hugs - big healing ones. and a cuppa joe and a tissue, and a puppy -------lol </p><p>Star</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 448131, member: 4964"] MWM, You know what? It's a good thing that you are who you are. It's a great thing for your Son that you have remained so loving all these years even if you were sending nasygrams because without anger - there really isn't feeling, without feeling you are void of emotion, without emotion; you are void of the ability to love. Without love? You are dead inside. Some people like you and a lot of others in the world are fueled by love. The wanting and necessity to please others, to make things good for others, and sometimes you get blindsided by so much passion that your emotions take over and well you get desperate to connect and it comes out like a nasygram. The recipient in this case failed to see that what was really an attempt to reach out and be a part of the life of a son she raised. On the other side of that exact same Mother / Son coin? The one undeniable thing in all of the two lives that were once under the same roof? You raised this child. Now, you didn't raise him to be callous, or uncaring, hateful or mean. Those are traits that he's harbored in his heart or polished himself along the path of his own life. Those feelings he gets to claim and deal with all on his own, as a man. If you will - think of them as the link in the chain he's forged in life - just like Jacob Marley in the Christmas Carol when the ghost comes to warn Ebenezer Scrooge. It's not much different. Ebenezers childhood wasn't a bad one either. HIs adulthood was his own. His choices and decisions; his own. Just like your son. Those were things that you could not predict, or change for him. Try as you may - it's whom he's chosen to become because - of his anger - WHICH sadly is something that has fueled him to become what [U][I]some[/I][/U] would call successful. I say some because for all his money, for all his religious rantings, for all his smugness, and double standards to forget his roots and deny the only Mother he's really had in life? The one that raised him and still harbor such anger in his heart? He's not happy, he's not at peace, he's not a leader among men, he's not an example I'd want my children to aspire to - not really. I can have all the money in the world, but if I don't have a content heart, if I don't have a satisfied heart, if my walk isn't right, true, just? I'm not really successful - and so for him? I feel such an emptiness that he covers up with such bravado - so many rules, so many "if you want to be my friend, here is a list of how you must go about it." WHAT a RIDICULOUS and HURT person he must be even in his own mind - to try and control the only person in his life that loved him without ANY conditions from the first. You never looked at this small, wonderful Chinese child and said -"For you to live in MY home - you must -----and fill in the blanks." BUT I would suspect in HIS mind - this is how he feels, and this is how he is trying to make others feel that are around him. He's got a very twisted view of how things were in his life, and the person that he would REALLY like to be angry with and really LIKE to have it out with? He can't - so he picks the one person in his life - that he CAN - YOU. Because he knows he can hurt you, and to him? That feels JUST. His Mother. I think if you DID NOT MATTER TO HIM AT ALL......If he felt NOTHING AT ALL? He never would have initiated a meeting whatsoever. But it's taken a little boy years and years to come to grips with how much anger he's had pent up, except at 34 - he had to be cool, and collected------not yelling, or sporadic or loose face. And to him? Yes, he's told off "his Mother" because he was abandoned.....and I believe in doing the same to you? He feels he's justified what he feels was once done to him. It's more like a little boy saying "Well there.......HOW DOES THAT FEEL?" and it's not YOU.....that I think he's trying to attack...in his mind whether he'd ever admit it or not? He's attacking his Father and Mother from China. (or from here wherever he was originally from) I'm not sure about anything psychologically standing - but from an adopted kids point of view? I may be closer than most. And I would suspect also - that if he does have such money as you say - he's TRIED to find his birth parents and failed. Had he found them? His anger would have been directed at them. (just a guess) Unless he had found them, and was told lies. Hard to say. As far as him being dead to you? Well - I think that's your right and choice. However you need to do it to get over the pain of what you are going through. When I'm ever asked? I find it's easier sometimes to just say I have one son. Some days I don't want to get into the explaination of the deaths of the other two. Or I don't want to explain about them being adopted or how it all came about. Other days I just say I had three boys, one is living and it will be our great joy if he makes it to 21 - what a handful......hoping they skip the Oh I am so sorry business.....or ask at what ages we had them in the home or how it all happened. IN any event? You will find your niche....and like Dude tells me - I saved the best for last. lol. Sending you hugs - big healing ones. and a cuppa joe and a tissue, and a puppy -------lol Star [/QUOTE]
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