Meeting with-therapist today. difficult child refuses to go.

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by TerryJ2, Mar 31, 2015.

  1. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    And mtng with-psychiatrist tomorrow. difficult child will go to get his scrip renewed and to find out the results of his blood test.
    husband and I are not getting along.
    I hate my life.
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    You may have to start setting boundaries. "To live with us you have to go to psychiatrist AND take your medications while we watch. If not, we can not live with you. And, by the way, no appointment., no medications, no cell phone."

    I'm sorry about your and your hubby. WHat is it? Does he have a different approach to Difficult Child that you don't like? This is common
  3. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    Terry it is an awful feeling to feel so powerless. That's when we ramp up the action we are trying to take...things we are trying to make that awful feeling will go away.

    At least we are doing SOMETHING.

    But it doesn't work.

    One time (one of many times) I made an appointment with difficult child to go to a psychologist who specializes in addiction. I spent a lot of time researching him, worked hard to get an appointment, got with difficult child about his schedule, moved work around so I could go to his dad's, pick him up and take him to the appointment. That morning, I called and texted difficult child to make sure he was up, and would be ready. No response. When I got there, I pounded on the door for what seemed like forever. All of this, and now we were going to be late.


    He never came to the door. I drove to the office, went in and apologized to the psychologist. I burst into tears. I cried and cried. He was so kind. He didn't even charge me although I told him I would be glad to pay.

    We never got there, ever.

    Terry, we can't make them do these things that we know/believe/hope would be a turning point. We can't even get them there.

    One time, I actually got difficult child there...and then he wouldn't talk. He sat there for one hour and didn't say a word.

    Unbelievable, the lengths to which people will go to self-destruct.

    It was all me, and nothing was him. That was the problem. He wasn't ready and he was digging in all the way, all the time. I was pushing hard and wearing myself out. I was scared to death for him. I was anxious all the time. But with all of that, I could make nothing happen.

    Terry, back off if you can. Decide what you will and won't tolerate. Write it down. When you can, state it clearly and back it up with a handwritten copy with the date on it. Keep it simple. Don't write a book. Only write things you know you can stick with. Don't over threaten. It's better to state simple, doable boundaries clearly now and then, as you get stronger, make the new boundaries stronger. In other words, start small. You can always change the boundaries and make them stronger as you are able.

    We have been here, right where you are. It is very debilitating to feel so helpless and powerless and at the mercy of others who are just plain obstinate about basic things.

    But we have to accept that. We truly have no other choice.

    We CAN decide what is acceptable to us, what we will and won't tolerate, and what the consequences will be. Make the consequences doable for you. Don't say I will kick you out if...if you know you aren't ready to do that. Start with something else that you CAN do.

    This too will pass. Hang in there. We are here with you. We know it's so hard.
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  4. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Terri, I can't say it any better than COM just did.

    I also went through remarkable shenanigans to get my daughter to a psychiatrist, same banging on the door, same amazing resistance, then she wanted me to be in the room and contradicted everything I said with arms folded across her chest, defiant in her stance. I was utterly exhausted from trying and trying and trying.

    That's what we all do............. then one day, we don't. And, we all get there when we get there, no right or wrong, your son is quite young.

    All I would add is to make sure you are getting support. Therapy, a parent group a 12 step group, whatever feels right to you. This is next to impossible to do alone.

    Your son has issues so you may contact NAMI, they have very, very good courses for parents which are supportive for YOU. You need support and tender care through this too. It's so hard on a marriage and worse on please, get yourself some support. It'll help in ways you can't even imagine now.

    HUGS to you Terri.
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  5. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    These are the things you can control, cell phone, money, car, rides, entertainment, computer, game systems, going out to eat, rides...... get the drift. These are his collateral. Do not work harder than he does on his issues. Yes, he has a disability or two, but he knows right for wrong and he loves watching you jump through hoops for him.
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  6. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Terry I know just how you feel. It is so frustrating to do all we can to help our Difficult Child and they do nothing. Even if you get him to go to the therapist there is no guarantee that he will participate or for that matter be honest.
    We went through several therapists for my son and nothing they did was really effective. We had one therapist and my son would go in sit in the chair then bend over and put his head between his knees and would not speak a word.

    There has been some very good advice given by others that I agree with 110%
    I know it's so much easier said than done but it's the only thing that will help you maintain your sanity. I also know how hard dealing with a Difficult Child can be on a marriage. You can become so focused on dealing with Difficult Child's problems that everything else in your life gets pushed aside. You really have to work at not allowing yourself to become so consumed with dealing with Difficult Child that your forsake the other important relationships in your life. There were times I wasn't sure if my marriage would survive and then one day I realized I was allowing my son's chaos to overtake my whole life including my marriage. I knew I needed to start putting effort back into my marriage. One thing that my husband and I started to do was to take drives on the weekend. Just the two of us, we would take off mid morning and just go explore, stop and have lunch and talk about anything but Difficult Child. Also, holding hands. Having that "touch" is so important. We still love to go on our drives.

    ((HUGS)) to you Terri. Hang in there, you will get through this.

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  7. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Tanya, your weekend escapades are exactly what my husband and I did!! We took off every single Saturday in the middle of the most hellish times........early in the morning, brought a bag with our hiking shoes, jackets, hats, (cold on the Pacific) and head out to the ocean, to the woods, to the city, it didn't matter, we would take off for the day and end up having dinner out too. I believe, aside from therapy and the parent group I was in, that those excursions were the biggest factor in my not only keeping my sanity and enjoying my husband but regaining my connection to LIFE and to JOY and to FUN.

    Hang in there Terry, we're right here with you........
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  8. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member


    He is of the age where you can't force -- if you try and force him in, he won't talk. You can lead a horse to water....but you know all that due to personal experience!

    Fortunately for you, you have a lot of carrots -- you have the car, the cell phone, money...Since he's not working, anything he wants, including bus fare is on you. You set the rules. You have to be stronger with the consequence follow through. If he doesn't abide he's digging his own hole. You have done everything you possibly can for your son. Remember that these difficult children can wreak havoc on marriages. Time for a date night - no conversation about Difficult Child. You may not feel like it, but focus back on what will be left in the future.

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  9. Calamity Jane

    Calamity Jane Well-Known Member

    Terry, the most important and primary relationship you can keep intact is the one with your husband. Your vows are to each other first, before any kids or anything else. I had to keep repeating that to myself over and over again when husband and I were at loggerheads during the worst times with our son.
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  10. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I've been there, as well. I concur with all of the above. For now, keep the therapist appointment, and go yourself. If he won't go to the psychiatrist tomorrow, keep that appointment too, and go yourself.

    **ETA** -- oops, this was posted yesterday -- hope you were able to go :)

  11. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    We went to the therapist, husband and I.
    Today, it's me and difficult child to the psychiatrist to get the medication scrip and test results--results which I already know, but difficult child has not seen yet. Low lithium, and presence of thc. psychiatrist will take him off of methylphenidate I bet.