Melissa continues to let ex boyfriend use her

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Sue C, Dec 28, 2006.

  1. Sue C

    Sue C Active Member

    Melissa let Brandon use her today again in a big way. They both had had disorderly conduct tickets from back in October when they had a big argument in the dorms. Melissa had already gone to court and plead no contest, was found guilty, and got her fine reduced. She went to court with Brandon today as his witness and got on the witness stand and said it was all her fault and wasn't his at all. The ticket was dropped completely. I know she did it because she's hoping they'll still get back together. I know he will not treat her any nicer. How can she continue to let him use her???? /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/919Mad.gif

    I want to talk to Melissa and Brandon together, but husband says I shouldn't. We have tried telling her she needs to separate herself entirely from Brandon, but she won't listen. She says they can be friends, but all they do is fight over the phone. She is possessive. Here are her conversations: "What are you doing? Who are you with? When will you be home? What time are you going to bed? When are you going to call me?" He gets angry and swears at her and hangs up on her.

    I have had it with Brandon. Besides physically hurting her last week or whenever it was, he continues to play her. (yes, her ribs still hurt but they are getting better) He will see her IF and WHEN he feels like it. And he hurts her feelings over and over. Yesterday he had told her he would go see a movie with her last night. Then at the last minute he cancelled. That is the way he is. Yet many mornings he will call her and tell her he's leaving for work, or he'll call her on his lunch hour and say hi. He sends her mixed messages.

    I guess there's nothing I can do and it makes me sad. But also, with her getting angry at Brandon over and over, she takes it out on husband & me and that makes me angry. Too many emotions....

    Life is so short. I don't need this. What I need is a job. It's hard with me being home all the time and Melissa being here all the time because she's on winter break and has no job.

    Sue
     
  2. Lori4ever

    Lori4ever New Member

    Oh, I feel for you! There's nothing you can really do about it, that I can see. been there done that. Still on that path. The more you say against it, the closer she'll run to him. I'm sorry it's that way. Hopefully she'll wise up, sooner rather than later.
     
  3. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    You'd think she'd learn. Or at least get sick of it. But for some it can take quite a while. And you're right the mixed messages are making it worse.

    I dunno if talking to them is a good idea or not. It depends. I know easy child's husband and N's b/f well enough, and can manage not to take sides. So I've been able to do this once or twice to help the kids sort thru things. Actually, I just mostly keep my mouth shut once the issues are on the table and help guide them back to issues at hand if necessary. But I wouldn't try it if I didn't.

    Hugs
     
  4. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    [ QUOTE ]
    What I need is a job.

    [/ QUOTE ]

    Yep.

    You need the distraction and you need to get away from the drama that Melissa thrives on. Fortunately school will be starting again fairly soon so she will be gone again. Worrying about her is self-defeating. Remember....Melissa is a full participant in her horrid relationship. Like Fran said on another thread (and I certainly agree- as did YOU), she is not a victim. I can't imagine my mother EVER getting involved in my love life and not all of my suitors were princes, that's for sure.

    Do you have a job search plan in effect yet?

    Suz
     
  5. Sue C

    Sue C Active Member

    [ QUOTE ]
    Do you have a job search plan in effect yet?

    [/ QUOTE ]

    Well, I have been searching the ads and the internet job websites. I've been letting people I know to let me know if they hear of anything. I've asked my dentist and chiropractor if they need part-time help (and they did not).

    I'm not actually putting in any further applications until I see what happens with the church position where I used to work. They want a full-time personal assistant to the senior pastor. I emailed and asked if they'd consider job share. They wrote back that they weren't planning on it but wanted to be open to anything so I should send my resume. I got an email last week which was sent to all applicants saying the interviews will begin after the 1st of the year. I wish I had been told if job share was a possibility or not. Maybe they don't know themselves until they interview and discuss it.

    What I need is a part-time secretarial position. With my MS, full time is too tiring. And I need a sitting job because standing for too long is too tiring. Plus I would like something local, because it doesn't pay to spend a lot on gas if I'm not going to be making that much money each week. I feel like I'm being fussy, but this is the criteria that I need in a job. (oh--I can't afford to NOT have a part-time job)

    My last job was perfect. It was right next door. I got to wear jeans. It was a clerical type job. It was 3.5 hours/day (until I got cut back to 14 hours/week). If only my employer would have paid her employees on time!!! I am still due one small pay check, and it is 9 days late. I asked the accountant yesterday when we will be paid, and she said she had no idea.

    I don't own anything to wear to an interview--no appropriate clothing or shoes!! I'm going to have to shop for something to wear; and when I get a job, I will have to spend more money on clothing. Bummer.

    Sue
     
  6. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    I wore jeans to my last job, too. It was great. We only got dressed up for outside meetings and if VIPS were coming to the office.

    Where I work now is "business casual." I think most companies have gone this route. The secret to business casual is BLACK SLACKS. :biggrin: And cute little black ballet flats are in fashion so you can be almost as comfortable as you were before.

    Now would be a good time to shop for interview clothes because of the post-Christmas sales. You probably already have some attractive tops/sweaters so you wouldn't have to fork over too much for that first interview. I found some cute little jackets for not much money to dress up the slacks a bit, too. I didn't want to spend too much until I saw how others in my department were dressing. It worked out well that way.

    You might want to check out some temp agencies too, Sue. Their jobs are more flexible than most employers and some are temp to hire, too. It would be a good way for you to test drive the company, so to speak, to see if they are a good match.

    Suz
     
  7. Sue C

    Sue C Active Member

    [ QUOTE ]
    You probably already have some attractive tops/sweaters

    [/ QUOTE ]

    Suz -- I had to nearly LOL when I read that. You see, I do not like shopping and do not like spending money on clothes for myself. My sweaters are years old, and I don't really have attractive tops. I do have sweatshirts. haha

    I had to laugh to myself on one of the first days on my old job (when I started 3 years ago). It was in early December, and I wore a really cute Christmas sweatshirt. One of the ladies said, "Oh, I would never have thought to wear a sweatshirt to work." Toooo funny. The offices are in my neighbor's basement which was usually cold. It's an internet business and no one comes to the house. It was just a handful of part-time ladies. Sweatshirts indeed. Ha!

    Thanks for the advice on temp agencies. I'll have to check them out. And thanks for the great advice on buying black pants. I always have trouble finding pants the right length, though. And I am average height (5' 5-1/2"). Doesn't make sense.

    Do you agree with me not putting my application in anywhere until I know if the church job pans out? The only reason I am hopeful is because I previously worked there for approx 6 years. The reason I left was because the senior pastor at that time decided he wanted 1 full-time lady instead of 2 part-time ladies, and I was out. But he is gone now, and the associate pastor is the new senior pastor. He is very nice and who knows what he'll decide. We got along great when I worked there. I wish I could work full-time. I know I'd have a very good chance of getting the job then.

    sue
     
  8. Genny

    Genny Worlds Best Nana

    Ugh, Sue, I'm so sorry. You're right, you can't do anything about Melissa's choices. Unfortunately, it sounds like neither one of them treats the other very well. What you CAN do is hold Melissa responsible for how she treats you and husband. When my difficult child was in an abusive relationship, we basically sent her the message that if she wasn't going to get help or get away from him, we didn't want to hear about it. She was not allowed to take it out on us. Tell her she can go sulk in her room. If she tears it up, or continues to be verbally abusive towards you, tell her she'll have to find another place to stay for her next school break. Seriously, you don't need it, want it, or have to put up with it!

    I know, I know, your husband is a sucker. *sigh*. Good luck with the job hunt. If you need to get away in the meantime, how about the library? Find a good book or magazine and a comfy chair, and enjoy the quiet for a couple hours. Barnes and Noble is good for the same thing, and you can treat yourself to a nice cup of coffee at the same time.

    I hope you can manage to detach and do something for yourself.

    ((HUGS))
    Genny
     
  9. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Sue

    Do you have a good Salvation Army store nearby? I've found some of the nicest clothing there for prices you won't believe. Sometimes thrift or second hand stores can pan out for such an outfit too.

    I'd think waiting for the church depends on how bad you need the money. But if it were me, I'd still be hunting, sending resumes, filling out applications as usual. You never know. You just might miss a fanastic opportunity while waiting.

    Temp agencies are a really good idea. They're pretty darn good at finding the right fit.

    Good luck. And I also think if you went back to work you wouldn't be bothering to focus on the Melissa drama.

    Hugs
     
  10. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I have to agree with a lot of what the others have said. Melissa is just as in the thick of it as her boyfriend is. They are both behaving badly.

    If you haven't bought yourself something new in years, you should! OMG! I love finding things at the goodwill or salvation army! Right now is a really good time to get sweaters and such from the big retail stores because they are getting rid of their Christmas/Winter clothing. Spend something on yourself, you're worth it!
     
  11. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    [ QUOTE ]
    Do you agree with me not putting my application in anywhere until I know if the church job pans out?

    [/ QUOTE ]

    Sorry, no. I wouldn't wait. No sense putting all of your hopes in one place- especially since it didn't work out last time.

    Nope, I'd be doing online searches, newspaper, networking with friends, and calling the temp agencies NOW. When I was laid off last June I had several months of beating my head against a wall, then had 2 terrific offers materialize bang-bang. Companies might not be hiring until after the 1st but heck, that's next week! Go for it now! :biggrin:

    Suz
     
  12. KFld

    KFld New Member

    There is nothing you can do. The best thing I have done is detatch from my difficult child and girlfriend's relationship. He still insists on making negative comments about things she does and I don't even respond to them anymore. I just change the subject. I have learned that there is nothing I can do or say that will keep them apart, but it's so much nicer for me when I choose not to deal with it. I ask him how the baby is. I don't ask how she is and like I said, when he says anything I don't give him any response, negative or positive. It's his life and his choice to be with her or not, and just like your daughter, it is her choice too.
     
  13. Sue C

    Sue C Active Member

    I am trying very hard to detach today. Sometimes I set myself up by asking Melissa questions. I've been biting my lip all day. Brandon wouldn't go to the movies with her last night, so she went with her best friend. But then she called up around 11:30 pm and said she was at Brandon's and was staying overnight. I don't know how/why she ended up there, but I have this sinking feeling his parents went out of town and he wanted "you-know-what" and she is all too eager to give it to him. Makes me sick.

    I'm also dying to ask if she's checked online for her semester grades, but I haven't. I know she said she probably failed 2 classes. I'm hoping not but I guess it's her problem, right? Before these problems with Brandon, she made the Dean's list one semester. OK, gotta remind myself to detach.

    Anyway, I'm proud of myself for not asking. Hope I can keep it up. I thank everyone for their advice and encouragement.

    Sue
     
  14. KFld

    KFld New Member

    It does take a lot of practice. I used to do the same thing, setting myself up by asking questions that I usually didn't like the answer to, so now I don't ask. Like I said, it takes practice, but it does get easier. Remember practice makes perfect!!
     
  15. Sue C

    Sue C Active Member

    Thanks, Karen. I am going to practice very hard. I blew it last night after making it through much of the day. Melissa mentioned she was going to go out with her best friend and her best friend's husband for New Year's Eve (Brandon, of course, has other plans). I made the BIG mistake of asking who the designated driver would be. She angrily said that best friend's husband only has a 2-seater car, so they'd be driving separate cars and they'd ALL be drinking and driving. I could have left it at that, but no. I had to tell her that if she was drinking and driving and got stopped, they'd give her a breathilizer test and she could get a DUI ticket. She made a stupid remark about everyone drinking and driving on New Year's Eve and they don't make people take the breathilizer test. That's when I realized I had blew it again, so I left the room and said no more.

    Sue
     
  16. donna723

    donna723 Well-Known Member

    Sue, it's kind of hard to argue with "logic" like that!
    :hammer:
    So if I've got this right, she's saying that, because "everybody" drinks and drives on NYE, the police are kind and understanding and all mellowed out because of the holidays so they just look the other way and let 'em have at it!?!? If you can manage to get in the car and get the key in the ignition, you're good to go ... right?!?! And, in keeping with the holiday spirit, the Breathalizers are put away for this one night and all is forgiven?!?!? Kind of a special "New Years Eve Amnesty"?!?!
    :hammer:
    Yep! Sounds about right to me!

    In her dreams!!!
     
  17. Jen

    Jen New Member

    Boy do I remeber those days when you were stinged along. hated it. But then kept clinging on, till I came to my senses on my own that he didnt have any feelings or respect towards me. I guess she needs to figure that out on her own.

    Couldnt we all probably tell some horror stories of our dating days. I thank god every day done with that part of my life.

    Jen
     
  18. Sue C

    Sue C Active Member

    Donna -- Yep, Melissa always has the strangest "logic." And she is always right. Uh...yeah. Ha! The sad part about tonight is that Melissa is not a drinker. She is a 2 drink maximum drinker. I fear for her if she drinks more, plus with all the other drunks on the road, it is not a good night to be out driving. I was so happy the past couple years because she just went to ex boyfriend's family's NYE party. She wasn't of drinking age at the time and his mom only allowed her champaigne at midnight, but she didn't like it and didn't drink it.

    Jen -- Thanks for giving me hope that Melissa WILL someday figure out on her own that she's being strung along and that nothing is ever going to become of her relationship with ex boyfriend.

    Sue
     
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