Meltdown at Hospital

[SRL]

Ohhhh, reading this post made me relive some of those early unstable days with difficult child! Most of us have been in these shoes and know how helpless, humiliting, and exhausting it is.

Some general thoughts--since you know difficult child is really struggling right now, don't take him out unless you have to and when you do, go alone so you only have him to deal with. Grocery and department stores are surefire triggers so do your shopping early or late when husband can watch them, have him do the shopping, or even ask a friend to help you out. When my difficult child was unpredictable and unstable my friends pitched in by bringing meals and one ran whatever errands I had for her once a week. They were glad to help once they knew the needs. Stock up so you won't be caught short handed and when you're really desperate for supper then drive through or call for delivery. A number of us have gone through periods when we didn't leave the house with difficult child unless absolutely necessary. It's not convenient or fun but worthwhile to avoid these meltdowns.

I had the same thought as Terry in that you might be able to eek out a little more in the way of prevention. I know giving choices or asking in advance seems like you're already doing that but if you can get him to go one step further by carrying out (throwing away, ordering the bread, whatever) then you may be able to get a little more in the way of prevention. Also, do what you can to make things more predictable and calm ie bring a sack lunch to the hospital and eat in the car, outside, or in a quiet nook somewhere instead of in the noisy cafeteria.

We never did a safe room but we used difficult child's bedroom as a meltdown haven. Portable vhs, bean bag chair, predictable snack with juice box, lots of sensory calming stuff such as a weighted blanket. In the beginning we directed him in there but eventually he started asking when he was losing control.

Hang in there. I've been in your shoes (although my difficult child tended to save his rages for the most inconvenient times at home) and to give you hope: today he is functioning well at school in a regular classroom without supports, has successful friendships, handles transitions easily that would have been 4 hour meltdowns that brought the household to a standstill in the early years, and is just far more resiliant than I ever thought he'd be. We still have issues--he's more difficult than the average kid but I don't live in constant fear of the next exhausting meltdown.

Hang in there, mom.

 

[TerryJ2]

That being said, I will continue the mental and physical gymnastics of thinking through EVERY darn thing I say and do in an attempt to avoid horrible scenes like yesterday.
What a way to live!

I agree! I just can't think far enough ahead. One thing you may be able to pull off, is to have a friend or relative go with-you. That way, if one of you isn't thinking outside the box, the other one will, and vice versa.

I have not had a single store meltdown with-my difficult child in ... dare I say, a yr? Sure, he melts down at home, but in public he is SO much better!

One thing we did, on the advice of our child psychiatric, was stage outings where we didn't really have to buy anything. Then, the min. he melted down, we'd take him home and put him straight in his room. Easier said than done with-a bad back, let me tell you! But somehow, I managed. And over the yrs, he has learned that meltdowns are not going to get him anywhere. I wish I had know to stage those outings much earlier. I don't think I started until he was five.

Also, it sounds like your difficult child is more violent than mine was at that age, and also, mine didn't tear his clothes off either. I don't know what to suggest there.

Three is a good age to train him. He's got basic cognitive skills, but obviously, they are overridden by his emotions (as others have aptly pointed out). There IS a future! I feel for you.

 

[SRL]

We did staged outings as well although for anxiety purposes, only no sticking him in his room on the other end which he would have percieved as punishment. When all the parent has to focus on is the child and not the desperate need to get through the checkout line, parent attitude and response is very different. I think the kids pick up on that tension. Our outings were to things like looking at toys at Toys 'R Us, getting a cookie at the bookstore cafe, etc.

 

[tired Cheryl]

I may have to hire someone to accompany me on his weekly trips to the hospital. There are no family and friends available.

He really looks forward to eating at the food court and this had become a positive reward for him but most days when we only have one appointment I am very happy to avoid the situation. Yesterday we were there all day and he was really looking forward to eating there. So, I would hate taking that away from him. Perhaps help is the only way to go.

difficult child taking his clothes off is becoming a real issue. This happens when he is calm and happy as well as when he is irritated or melting down. Neuro thinks it has to do with his Frontal lobe problem. We try to make him at least keep short and t-shirt (let him choose) on at home so but even that is difficult. SUnday he would not keep any clothes on at all.

He was not like this until recently-maybe 6 months ago. He was a very fussy baby but I did not notice the clothes or tags bothered him. He does not complain about tags or sock seams. It seems like a freedom thing for him. LIke he does not want to be restricted.

Another new disturbing trend is his desire to urinate on his 5 yearl old sister and her possessions. FOrgot to mention this at appointments yesterday. he tried doing this to her last night which makes me remember it this am.

 

[Marguerite]

Cheryl, you said, "... my own feeling is that it was not the "triggers" like specifically the throwing away the fries that is the problem. Many times I have avoided one landmind only to have one blow up in my face just minutes later."

You may be right. In which case the triggers could simply be the environment and the level of stimulation he's trying to deal with. But that's what I mean about making your own observations - that is a really valuable one you made.

Don't beat yourself up over him being set off, or your perceived failure to prevent it. We all try, but we don't always succeed. All you can do is keep trying and hope that with practice, experience (his and yours) as well as him getting a bit older and maybe more control, the problem will begin to ease.

The clothes removal - he IS only 3, socially it's not as bad as if he were 13. But clearly something is going on here way beyond the usual problems of a young, active, overstimulated difficult child. You are right to be concerned.

And a bit of help would be a good idea - not only an extra pair of hands, but also an independent witness.

Or maybe take your in-laws along? They think you're overreacting, don't they? So either they're right (in which case he will behave beautifully, so at least it won't be a bad day for you) or they will be forced to see his true colours and admit you are really struggling with a big problem, instead of simply complaining about nothing.

Family members are often the last to accept there really is a problem. It's so much harder to accept, with people you love and idolise. And they would love to believe that you're nuts, rather than accept their grandson has genuine, big problems. It's normal for them to be like this - but hopefully, if they're anything like my family, they will have to accept the obvious eventually.

Marg

 

[susiestar]

Cheryl,

I hope, for your sake, that you can figure your little guy out soon. If I remember my kids, 3 was a year where their brains were learning to communicate. I had horrible tantrums and rages that year, home and away with difficult child. Mostly home with J and T.

I have a feeling that Marg may be on to something with the language/communication issue. If you have energy, finding a good speech pathologist may be a really helpful thing.

My mother says that I was 6 before they oculd reliably expect me not to strip, anywhere and anytime. My friends all have had kids who pee on their clothes in public if they eihter don't want clothes on or don't like their outfit. I am talking about my friends with pcs.

I do realize, however, that most of our kids have behaviors that may sound developmentally normal, esp when written about. HOWEVER, what we receive is something that sounds normal and is magnified 1000 times. But it still sounds normal on papaer, that is why we still get so much flak for the things our kids need.

You MUST consult with Child Protection Services, teh police, fire station, and other emergency services, teachers, and anyone else who might be an authority BEFORE you put the lock on that door.

Unless you have the doctor's note in writing, OK'd by eeveryone in any kind of "authority" you may wind up without parental rights or in jail. This is not something to do lightly.

Woudl it be possible to arrange the door to his room so that it opens out into the hall, rather than swinging in toward his room? If you could do this you could sit against the door so he couldn't get out. This might be far less risky than installing a lock. BEst intentions don't mean much to the bureaucrats.

Does Children's have anyone who can recommend preschools or thereaputic settings with interventions for a child your little guy's age?

OK. It is disturbing to have your son want to pee on his sister and her stuff. It almost seems like an animal marking territory. If toilet training is underway, maybe stressing that the only time he is allowed to shoot targets is when you have fruit loops in the potty? There is a website somewhere that sells potty targets. Theya re supposed to be a potty training aid. Not sure if that would help.

How much does your neuro know about the behavioral changes caused by seizures? Is that some of the peeing on little sis?

HOpe some of this helps,

Susie

 

[tired Cheryl]

Hi, Susie:

Yes three is a difficult year. I remember when easy child turned four what a difference it made and I am praying that in a couple of months some of difficult child's issues will resolve or at least decrease in intensity.

No, the folks at the Children's Hospital do not have any useful suggestions regarding "special" preschools. They are all either an hour away or charge a fee that we cannot afford (like $4,200 per month!!!!)

Stripping only recently started about six months ago. That would be great if he grows out of it like you do. The stuff I read about adults with frontal lobe problems has me worried though.

I cannot believe that I forgot to tell neuro about difficult child peeing on his sister and her stuff. I did tell the neuropsychologist though because the first episode happened after his intake appointment. He went home and urinated on her bed. Unfortunately I found out later that night when I returned from ER with easy child who had fallen and split her chin open!
He has been fully potty-trained for over a year so, that is not it.

What worries me most is the humiliation aspect of it. When he physically attacks me I feel humiliated and I don't want my daughter to feel that way. So, I am limiting his opportunities (no more showers together, etc)

You are right about a lot of this stuff sounding normal on paper but we all know the difference especially if we have older easy child. It's like the post regarding him fighting with his pancakes-sure easy child (and most 3 year olds) might have talked to inanimate things like stuffed animals but she never talked to her food or shoes and certainly didn't have heated arguments with them.

Thanks for the concern,
Cheryl