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Meltdown begets meltdown?
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<blockquote data-quote="Elsi" data-source="post: 744122" data-attributes="member: 23349"><p>Of course he does. Classic deflection tactics. And it’s working! He is distracting you from holding your boundaries. </p><p></p><p>Boundary setting is hard but critical. The early stages are hell. They will fight back and push as long as fighting and pushing work. It’s like dealing with a toddler - if you give in and give them the cookie once to stop the tantrum, they’ll keep having tantrums ... because it works. </p><p></p><p>You don’t need to discuss boundaries. You just need to state them clearly, and then hold them. It is not a negotiation. Don’t let him make it one. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I don’t have direct experience, but my understanding is that the efficacy of these tactics is pretty low. Especially if there isn’t something big at stake for them. I can see it MAYBE working as a wake up call to someone with a lot to lose - a wife, a family, a career. An intervention makes what will be lost clear, and forces a decision. But what does your son have to Lose? What are the stakes for him? What motivation can you possibly give him for quitting, if he hasn’t found it for himself by now?</p><p></p><p>The idea with this move was that he would get himself away from the toxic partner and into treatment, right? And yet he had done neither of those things. He’s just brought his drama to YOU. You’re right - at this rate, he might as well have stayed in Chicago. </p><p></p><p>The bottom line is it does not appear that he wants to or is ready to change. He seems to like the drama of this relationship. He seems to like creating drama with you. He had a need to see himself as a victim in your relationship, and he has shown no willingness to take responsibility for his own life. He is not even willing to show you basic courtesy and consideration in your own home. </p><p></p><p>One thing I have learned with mine is the more I let them walk on me the less respect they have for me. If I let them take advantage a bit, they become more and more entitled. If I let my boundaries slip, they keep pushing harder. As the adage says, if you give them an inch, they’ll take a mile. When I hold my boundaries firmly and consistently I get respect and consideration. Not right away - first comes the backlash - but over time. </p><p></p><p>I think it’s time to stand firm and let him face his own consequences. He is not ready for change. No intervention is going to change that. And the more comfortable you make him the less likely he will be to find the motivation for change. </p><p></p><p>I’m sorry. <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite3" alt=":(" title="Frown :(" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":(" /></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Elsi, post: 744122, member: 23349"] Of course he does. Classic deflection tactics. And it’s working! He is distracting you from holding your boundaries. Boundary setting is hard but critical. The early stages are hell. They will fight back and push as long as fighting and pushing work. It’s like dealing with a toddler - if you give in and give them the cookie once to stop the tantrum, they’ll keep having tantrums ... because it works. You don’t need to discuss boundaries. You just need to state them clearly, and then hold them. It is not a negotiation. Don’t let him make it one. I don’t have direct experience, but my understanding is that the efficacy of these tactics is pretty low. Especially if there isn’t something big at stake for them. I can see it MAYBE working as a wake up call to someone with a lot to lose - a wife, a family, a career. An intervention makes what will be lost clear, and forces a decision. But what does your son have to Lose? What are the stakes for him? What motivation can you possibly give him for quitting, if he hasn’t found it for himself by now? The idea with this move was that he would get himself away from the toxic partner and into treatment, right? And yet he had done neither of those things. He’s just brought his drama to YOU. You’re right - at this rate, he might as well have stayed in Chicago. The bottom line is it does not appear that he wants to or is ready to change. He seems to like the drama of this relationship. He seems to like creating drama with you. He had a need to see himself as a victim in your relationship, and he has shown no willingness to take responsibility for his own life. He is not even willing to show you basic courtesy and consideration in your own home. One thing I have learned with mine is the more I let them walk on me the less respect they have for me. If I let them take advantage a bit, they become more and more entitled. If I let my boundaries slip, they keep pushing harder. As the adage says, if you give them an inch, they’ll take a mile. When I hold my boundaries firmly and consistently I get respect and consideration. Not right away - first comes the backlash - but over time. I think it’s time to stand firm and let him face his own consequences. He is not ready for change. No intervention is going to change that. And the more comfortable you make him the less likely he will be to find the motivation for change. I’m sorry. :( [/QUOTE]
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