Messed up Easter.

[DammitJanet]

I begged Tony not to make me go over to Cory's house to eat dinner once I found out that he insisted on taking Buck. Begged him. I was perfectly happy to stay home and go pick up a hamburger and McDonalds. I made the potato salad last night and I made the fruit salad for him to take over there but I simply didnt want to go. Mandy had even told me she wasnt thrilled about him being there.

Anyway, Tony had told me on Friday that he wasnt going fishing any this weekend. After I ate, I stepped out on Cory's porch to smoke a cigarette because I didnt want to sit in there and listen to Buck talk. Its just irritating. It was maddening enough that he had sat down between me and the baby when I was trying to feed the baby. Just pulled a chair right on up and pushed me to the side.

So I am sitting outside and I can hear them talking inside and I hear "fishing, you, me, Buck, load up the boat, truck Billy and Momma in his car". Those are the words I heard. Then Tony walks out of Corys door and announces to me that "we are going to the Cape Fear for a few hours this afternoon". He didnt come out and ask "would you mind if Cory and I went fishing at the river this afternoon after we dropped Buck off?" Or anything like that. No...just announced it like he is King. I was ticked. I got mad. And yes...one of the major reasons was because I thought Buck was involved. I will admit that. It turns out he wasnt going to be. However, I still dont like the way Tony just announced his change in plans. So we had a major knock down drag out fight. And guess who spent the entire afternoon at my house? You betcha!

I am telling you, we are not going to survive this. My bipolar had been so in control until Buck showed up and now I have zero control. I cry at the drop of a hat and my moods are swinging wildly. Well I dont know that its so much swinging...I just keep going down. I may come up to semi normal once in a blue moon. Or I fake normal to get by.

Tony has no intention of paying less attention to Buck. I can guarantee he will be with him every weekend from now on. He goes to work at 4 am and he gets home at 7:30...oh forgive me...now it will be even later since he has to take Buck home. Probably closer to 8. He will want to eat and go to sleep by 9 or 9:30 at the latest. That gives me 1 to 1 and a half hours of time with him a day. He rarely speaks to me other than to complain about Cory or say something about a tv show. He never actually talks to me. Normally its saying I havent done something. And trust me, when he goes to bed, he goes to sleep. Once his head its the pillow, he is asleep in 3 minutes. There is no keeping him awake.

And yes I realize he works hard, I know that but I dont need to hear every single day that I dont. I get that too. I would be working if I could. I had to give up a job that I loved because I am hurting and disabled. I would give my right arm if I had that job back and could work again. He seems to think I sit around all day just enjoying myself. Yeah, getting needles stuck in you is so much fun!

Im sitting in my room alone and I can bet you dollars to donuts that Tony wont come in here tonight until he has to get his alarm clock. Then he will sleep in the room Buck was sleeping in from now on. Now that Buck has christened it, he can sleep there. I had asked him to try sleeping there before and he wouldnt. Odd...now he will.

 

[Hound dog]

((hugs))

Honestly? I'm not so sure it's your bipolar acting up. If you'd been in my house when M was here, you'd realize your reactions are to be expected. (or at the very least you aren't alone in them) I, at least, had my husband backing me up and willing to listen to me when I had to vent. You don't. Which is of course going to make it worse. It can be pretty awful having one's personal space invaded like yours was. And I'll be the first to admit that I came mighty close to cancelling family holidays because I knew I'd have to see M. But of course I didn't, I just dreaded and cringed and did it anyway.


I hope you don't think you messed up Easter, because you didn't. It seems to me everyone knows the score except Tony. And now I find myself hoping Buck runs him ragged with every lil thing until he drives him bonkers and he tells him to go stuff it.

(((hugs)))

Do something nice just for you this evening.

 

[crazymama30]

I agree with Lisa.

I think you have been more than patient with Tony. FWIW? I think I would be throwing his clothes either out of the house or in the other room. Maybe even packing them for him. I did that when I kicked s2bx out, that was how he knew I meant it.

 

[crazymama30]

Oh and Janet? About Tony making sure you realize that HE works and YOU don't?

He needs to go stuff it. You are bringing in money, and also? When you are able to cook and clean you do it. I would have been more than happy if that had happened for me.

 

[hearts and roses]

I agree, Tony can and should go stuff it. Who the hell does he think he is?! Grrrr, after all the **** you've put up with!

I think you should make the other room up specifically for Tony, put his alarm clock in there and his clothes also! Make the room HIS. At least that way, Buck can't move back in and you can have your own space. Hmph!

Listen, you knew deep down that just because buck was out of the house you wouldn't be rid of him. You knew that Tony was still going to be attached to overseeing Buck, etc. The part that really irks me is Tonys attitude, as you described, as if he's the king. THAT, more than anything, would be driving me nuts!

Hugs, be kind to yourself while this works itself out. Buck is out, it's just a matter of time before he begins driving Tony nuts.

 

[DammitJanet]

Well...he came in and got his alarm clock and didnt even speak a word. He had to pick up the toddler bed we still have in our room from when Keyana used to sleep in it which has junk piled on it and he just yanked it out of the way to snatch the cord out of the wall. Then he stormed out of the bedroom and shut my door hard.

Oh well. If this gets really bad, I will have to start splitting the bills which will get difficult because he is on my car insurance because the cars are in my name but in NC you have to have insurance to have a drivers license. I cant take him off my insurance unless I have a letter from him proving he has insurance somewhere else or showing he has moved to another state and had his license transferred there. Right now he pays the car insurance because I pay certain other bills like our cell phone bill and water bill which considering the percentage of incomes is about right. I also buy quite a bit of food. If he wants to make this tough...I can make it tough and completely make him get a non-owners policy which will cost him a fortune.

 

[hearts and roses]

Well, sometimes the only way for some people to learn is the 'tough' way and I know you have it in you. I'm sorry he's behaving this way, hugs.

 

[Hound dog]

Wait, Tony went fishing with Cory didn't he? Maybe Cory gave him a piece of his mind during that fishing trip? Sounds like he was "new" mad this evening. (and most people while they can maintain peeved, can't maintain a really good mad that long)

 

[DammitJanet]

No....Tony didnt go fishing. Tony and I came home together in my car. Billy brought Buck back here and Tony was supposed to take Buck back to his house right after that but instead Tony let Buck spend all afternoon here while I stayed in my room and they just hung around the house. At some point Cory came over for a little bit but I didnt know that until Billy came in and told me. Tony didnt take Buck home until almost 5. I didnt leave my room until after that or I would have known about it which is a wonder because I had already undressed to get ready for bed.

 

[buddy]

sorry Janet.....sending you a big HUG.

 

[jal]

Janet,

I always say this, but I don't post a lot, but I follow and post when I can. You are always someone whose life story I have followed. Two years ago I found myself feeling the way you do, but the stories are a bit different Someone has interfered, in your case a sibling in law. In my case a female from way long ago. Tony is, in my opinion from what you write, seems depressed and Buck has been milking that. Tony has physical pain and unsuredness and at times the weight of the world, as we all do in one form or another. Buck is an outlet to talk, probably it helps Tony to express his feelings the way that he can and have someone who supports him even if its for their own agenda. Buck has the line on what's going on and has sure as h*ll has been playing it for all its worth.

The separation of Buck and Tony has to be the start. You've got him out of your space now so go back to what you were doing, paying attention to Tony and get him to talk, really talk, with you.

I too, feel its not your Bi-polar, but what you've gone through & put up with. My mother in law is BiPolar (BP) and we've lived it first hand a few times, but I would ABSOLUTELY feel the way you did. Please make the attempt to talk to Tony, its the only way to get the answers you need to make any decisions. Hopefully, he in the end wants the same that you do.

 

[susiestar]

Janet, I am about as far from bipolar as one can get, and what you are going through would cause my moods to swing WAY worse than what yours are doing. I would be a screaming demon a bunch of the time. Too much emotional stress of the type you are under tends to do that to me. I am okay with most other types, but ever since the last round of violence wth Wiz I simply cannot tolerate what I would have handled before then. in my opinion ths is NOT bipolar, but the Buck manipulation and abuse and Tony's abuse of you (because his behavior IS at the very least emotionally and mentally abusive, and by moving someone unstable into your home against your will, in my opinion it is physical abuse because the toll he had to KNOW it would take on you) has brought up PTSD from past traumas and heaped more onto it. Your reactions seem, if anything, to be more withdrawing that really reacting. It may keep some of the peace but it is also hard on you and a sign of problems stemming from abuse. I don't know what the DV centers are like around you, but that MIGHT be an avenue to find some affordable help. NO WAY is this entire thing not domestic violence.

 

[Star*]

I think it's time you and Tony got alone, had a talk, and the sooner the better. He needs to know exactly how you feel and why. Keeping this stuff to yourself and expecting Tony to KNOW how you feel isn't getting anything accomplished. Bi-polar or not. Any upset or change in a household for longer than a week can upset anyones balance. Buck has been there and extended his stay and welcome. Fish like house guests stink after three days and he's gone way past the expiration date. Stop holding your nose, your tongue, don't yell - and get Tony and go somewhere and tell him where this is heading for you and him. Better to find out now if that's what he wants than to upset yourself further and "SEE" if that's where it's heading.

Love you.

 

[hearts and roses]

Ditto what Star said!

 

[DDD]

Hmmmmmmmm. I think I'm going to suggest "not" talking this out with Tony yet. All of you have been riding an emotional rollercoaster lately and "nothing but nothing" has been normal. Your meals have been off. The housekeeping has been off. The television hours have been off. The personal conversations have been non-existent. Nope. I think you need to let at least a few days pass for the storm to blow over or at least downgrade.

Actually I'm not sure that either you or Tony know what you want right now. Obviously it's a little too simple to say "I want our life to go back to what it was before Buck arrived." I can't see a positive side of saying "let's redivide the bills around here". Although a number of family members have suggested "seducing" Tony...most couples who have shared life for over twenty years already have an established pattern of seduction or very limited seduction.

Lord knows I am no expert, sigh, but I think you should make a simple list of what you know you should do and what you believe you can do in hopes of regaining some peace. First on the list would be calling Mandy and apologizing for losing it at her house and thanking her for hosting the holiday. Second would be focused on you, Tony and your home. Perhaps there is something simple that Tony likes that you haven't made for him lately. Perhaps sweet tea or ?? some little thing
that he could "see" as a loving gesture but nothing to talk about??

Hang in there. DDD

 

[rejectedmom]

I am inclined to agree with DDD on this. I think that the wounds are to raw to go poking around in them. Give yourselves time to resume being a couple first. After the hostile vibes settle down, a non confrontational conversation on where the relationship stands and what both of your hopes for the future are, would be a good idea.

 

[Star*]

I am going to retract my original statement and agree WHOLEHEARTEDLY with DDD - DO wait -----DDD is right cooler heads prevail.

 

[witzend]

Maybe you could go fishing with Tony? Well, maybe not fishing. But what is something that the two of you enjoy and do somewhere other than in your home? I'm not suggesting that you go hash things out in a neutral space, but perhaps that you rekindle a common interest that has nothing to do with insurance, bills, kids, grandkids, cooking, or mooching brother in law's. In fact, I would make discussion of problematic issues strictly "off topic". Try to remember why you love each other. If he won't do that, I don't know what to say.

{{{{{{{{{{{Big Hugs}}}}}}}}}}}

 

[hearts and roses]

I still think that a good honest discussion is in order and I like witz's idea of broaching the topics at hand while doing something you enjoy doing together.

It's not like Tony is dense-he KNOWS you've been annoyed about Buck and he knows you're emotions are all over the place. Go fishing, or whatever, and talk.

 

[DammitJanet]

well first we have to resume speaking other than as strangers would.

This morning he kicked in my bedroom door at 4am and asked me what amount of money he needed to give me for the car insurance. I told him. Now this is something that really gets on my nerves. Our insurance has been the same amount for the past two years and its been due on the same day for even longer. Why on the earth is it that I am the only one who can remember the amount of the bills or when they are due? Heck, I even send the notices to his cell phone! Most of our bills run the same amount except for water and power.

I also asked him if he wanted to give me money for food and he said did he need to? I said if he wanted me to cook then I told him he needed to, otherwise I would go get me something to eat for me.

I just dont know. He says "everybody" thinks whatever he says is a criticism. Then he changed that to say that he means everybody is me and Cory. I said well maybe just Cory and I are the ones who speak up and the others are afraid to say anything because that is at work. Maybe its his way of speaking that sounds like a criticism.

Criticism such as pitching a fit over the trash not being taken out. Okay realize we live in the country and we have no trash pick up. We have to take it out to the woods to burn it. Its about a football field away from my front door to where the burn area is. I never take the trash down there. My idea was to put it in the back of his truck so he could drive it down there once a week so it didnt build up in the house or outside the front door because the dogs will tear open the bags. Duh right? He says no...either me or Billy should walk it down. Well HE took a bag out of the trashcan and left it next to the wall and my little indoor dog tore it open last night and he got mad and blamed me. Or he sounded like he was blaming me. When he starts yelling about it, it comes across as blame. Why else yell? I tried to come up with what I thought was a good idea using my old toddler bed which is up off the floor so the little dog coudnt reach it and some stretch ties but he wont consider it. My ideas are stupid.

Sigh