messed up / lost it

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Kjs, Feb 27, 2007.

  1. Kjs

    Kjs Guest

    husband and I have disagreed regarding difficult child forever. difficult child continues to have me in tears. Pushing my buttons, disrespect, yelling, defying anything I say. Lying. Friends, neighbors, teachers, counselors..I have stuck up for him so many times only to be burned when i find out the real truth. husband believes him. Does nothing about his behavior. Treats him like he is TWO and not Twelve. Does anything, takes him anywhere, buys him anything even though we cannot even make our bills. I have worked second shift and commuted 100 miles a day for a couple years. I was working 6 or 7 days straight because I had to. I handle ALL issues in the house, bills, doctors, school, car repair..ALL issues. When I did get a day off and I actually got to SEE my family, all we did was fight. I recently changed jobs, working midnight to noon three days a week. So, I am home four days, and I am able to stay up and see difficult child. (dealing with issues like today, I did not sleep and am back here at work). Anyway about a month ago, husband and I got into a huge argument. My older son was home also. It was over difficult child's treatment of me, his behavior, his actions. We were in a screaming match and both said horrible things. I found out that husband has not told me things regarding school from LAST year. Then said one of the counselors who I am close to from elementary school called him and said certain things about me. So, I asked her. She said he must be mistaken because she has not spoke to him in two years. So...husband is lying to me also. husband thinks I make things up, so now I print the emails I get from teachers and show him. He made an appointment with school regarding what happened prior to school with me and difficult child. he wasn't even there. Anyway, in this screaming match I said I wanted a divorce, don't need him, don't want him. i said I was leaving and never coming back. I said the family would be better off if I were not there. difficult child went to school the next day and went to see the social worker. She called the Crisis intervention center and the police came to my house. They were going to forcefully take me to the hospital unless I went to the Crisis center. . . Now to get to the issue today. difficult child made honor roll last quarter. Did fantastic. The last four weeks (3rd qtr) he has been out of class more than in class. issues with friends. Spending most of his time playing online games. not doing ..refusing to do school work. Disrespectful. Often we are both in tears by the time I get him to school on the days I am home. Today I lost it. i went to school and told him he will face the consequences of his actions. No computer, No game systems, No doing anything accept his school work. i told him the issues at school and with his friends are because of HIM. he mouthed off to me and I "jacked him up against the wall" at school in front of all the kids. he then said he was running away, I told him go right a head. He asked me to quit saying so many bad things about him, he is not bad. But, I lost it and I just kept going. Finally after we settled down he told me that he thought if he got good grades we would be proud of him..which I assured him we were. he then said after that fight with husband and i said I wanted a divorce he figured if he was bad we wouldn't fight. I told him that only makes it worse. So..I totally went off and said all these awful things about him. I don't feel like I can recover from this. I just am feeling they would all be better off without me.
  2. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member


    I am not saying this lightly, but I will try to say it gentley.

    You need to stop! You need to stop engaging with your husband and stop engaging with your son. "jacking him against the wall" at school in front of teachers and students could get you a visit from cps. You and your son and husband are like oil and water right now.

    I think it is best that you go and see your doctor. You are filled with anger and you are physically and emotionally exhausted. You cannot handle the home and its resonsibilities if you cannot take care of yourself.

    The issues with your son will never improve unless you are all healthy together.

  3. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    What is your son's diagnosis? Do you have good support for him at the school?

    It is good that he showed he could do well. I know (from what you say) that right now it is so very hard for you, but he really does want to please you. It is important to him. But he has trouble holding things together as well as other kids. He tries but can't do it all the time, and when he fails and shouts at you or vice versa, it undermines any good efforts he's making.

    If you and your husband aren't on the same page (and that sounds like an understatement at the moment) then it's only going to get worse. difficult child is confused, getting mixed messages and clearly doesn't want you to separate. All this is happening around him and just escalating the problems.

    In all your efforts to work so hard and hold things together, you're burning out and doing more damage than good, purely from exhaustion. husband sounds like he's lost the plot also. I'm not sure what services you could plug into in your area, but if you could get some counselling for all three of you, to help you learn to defuse, learn to look after yourselves and most of all, learn to communicate and work together (I include difficult child here) then it would hopefully be the start of a turnaround. But if you can't work as a team, the three of you, it IS going to get worse.

    If husband won't be part of such a team effort with counselling and support, then at least do it yourself and take difficult child. It's a start and has got to help.

  4. kris

    kris New Member

    <span style="color: #333399">LDM made some excellent points. i believe i suggessted the same thing to you in one of yesterday's have to get yourself straight before you can help difficult child. i know i gave you the link to the detachment essay. you need to start working on not allowing your son to suck you in to every incident, every issue.

    if indeed you *jacked him up against the wall* at school i'll be extremely surpised if you don't get visit from cps. while it wouldn't be pleasant it could be extremely beneficial to your family. they can help you with-getting a neuropsychologist evaluation, treatment & other services in place. they can actually be helpful.

    i also agree about not engaging husband. i also know how hard that will be. he's supposed to be your helpmate....not part of the *opposition* if you will. he's not fulfilling that.

    you sound like you are feeling helpless, useless, & very desparate. it sound like the fighting in your home is pretty horrendous if they insisted you go to the crisis center.

    plaese make an appointment with-your primary care physician.....please. he can help you find a good therapist for yourself....and maybe help you start on some medications (let me tell you....more moms than not take medications on this's an occupational hazzard!).

    deep breaths.....we're trying to help....not hurt you. i really believe the first step to getting difficult child stable is to get help for yourself ~~~ so you can help him.

    kris </span>
  5. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts


    It's time to slow down, take some deep breaths & prioritize the issues in your life.

    difficult child will still be a difficult child tomorrow. husband has his own choices to make - hopefully you can make them together.

    In the meantime, this is about you. You're at the end of your rope.

    LDM has made some very good points. Who is your support system? Can you utilize the crisis team to find a therapist? Have you checked in with your doctor for possible medicines (antidepressants or anti anxiety medications) to help you through this difficult time?

    Remember, if mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy.

    Be gentle with yourself.
  6. wakeupcall

    wakeupcall Well-Known Member

    Hun, I've been a member of this board for years. It has helped me so much, even through my tears. Members here suggested I go to MY doctor for some antidepressants, and ya know what? My doctor wondered what took me so long when I told her all I go through on a daily basis. I'd never taken any kind of drug in my life! I still feel badly that I think difficult child (eleven years old) has driven me to that, but the antidepressant helps keep me going.

    Your difficult child sounds exactly like mine. In fact, this morning (husband is on a business trip) I could take NO more and slapped him across the face. Funny, I didn't even feel bad about it. He looks me right in the eye and makes a face at me, tells me NO, or walks away like he doesn't hear me. I'd had two hours of this and lost it. PLEASE know that I'm where you are and I know the frustrations. Right now, I have yet another meeting at the school, but I shall return soon. Make your doctor's appointment to get on the right track to helping yourself....FIRST. Then we'll all get to work on help for your little boy.
  7. wakeupcall

    wakeupcall Well-Known Member

    OK, I'm back. To make a long story short, my difficult child is being sent to a different campus in our school district that has social development classes. He makes very good grades, but the biggest problem he has is social.....home and school. He has no friends, can't make any, is hateful, boastful, cocky and a downright not very nice child. I feel like a recluse, since he has run off all my friends. I took one of our dogs to the vet and when I walked in another person in the waiting room said, "You are -- 's mother, aren't you?". I was tempted to say NO! I cringed. I know how you feel and you are not alone. It's very normal for you to have the feelings you have. WE are people, too. SO, you must try to get a handle on your feelings first thing. It'll be impossible to continue to function and help your difficult child if you don't. Your husband sounds as if he's in the not-MY-son mode. Most of our husband's go through it. You have to take care of YOU, though, and let him take care of himself, too.

    The road we travel with our non-normal children is a long and lonely one. None of us signed up for this, but it's what we've been dished, so we need to learn coping methods. Keep in mind, there is only so much you can do to help them and ultimately, your/my difficult child must learn how to live in this world and it certainly won't be the way they are behaving now. Be easy on yourself. I don't say that lightly, because I KNOW the stresses you feel on a daily basis. (Let's see......mmmmm, my difficult child called me a "fat :censored2:" this morning. I weigh 110 lbs., so not hardly a fat :censored2:, but just the tone and smart-alec mouth hurts.) Many here will tell you to learn to detach a little and that will help.....and it does, but it takes practice.

    Please stick around. There is a wealth of knowledge from hands-on mothers and caregivers. We can help you through this and lead you to the proper professionals. Glad you came!
  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I have to agree that you need to step back and detach because yelling at husband and DS is only making things worse. I agree that CPS may come and can tell you from working with them that you need to cooperate, not get defensive, or they'll get angry and punish you. If you can use them to your advantage, go for it. I never saw much positive from CPS--I try to avoid them at all costs, but most of us have had visits at one time or another. I also think the child needs a re-evaluation of both his diagnosis and medications, and you need to educate, educate, educate yourself on his disorder. If he is bipolar, I highly recommend reading "The Bipolar Child" by Dimitri and Janice Papalos and finding a support group for parents of bipolar kids. You need to understand that your expectations of this child may not be realistic. he isn't like "other kids." I have bipolar. Without the proper medications (and sometimes even with them), you are not able to hold things in as well as people who are not bipolar. You have a lower level of tolerance, and it's biological. I highly recommend therapy for yourself too, and I normally dislike therapy, but, when you get to the breaking point, that's when I feel it can really be beneficial, even if only to have somebody to talk to. You can't control husband or DS--you can only control one person, yourself. I hope that helps take the pressure off :smile:
  9. Liahona

    Liahona Active Member

    Your family needs you. They need you whole and healthy and sane. You've got to take care of yourself. Is there anywhere you could go for a rest? What kind of support sysetm do you have? Your family needs you.