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met him for lunch
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 738204" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Bluebell. Hi.</p><p></p><p>It seems clear that any interaction with him leads down the rabbit hole and engaging with at all brings you down.</p><p></p><p>His logic is... well...not logical. He is blaming. He is externalizing responsibility. How does anything about the past, justify his bad acts in the present? Of course you are right.</p><p></p><p>But the thing is: it is hard for us to disengage. There are so many reasons. Guilt. Love. Habit. Fear. Responsibility. And we stay in this (losing) game far, far longer than is good for us (or them.)</p><p></p><p>You are doing the absolutely right thing raising these questions, and putting it down in black and white. This is how we get the strength and resolve to change things. </p><p></p><p>I have been here 3 plus years. That is how long it took me to stop. I had to stop EVERYTHING. No contact. No calls. No help. Nothing. Because as I began to set stronger limits, my son ramped up. It became absolutely clear to me that any engagement with him at all, enabled a destructive dynamic to continue. Instead of putting him first, (fear, obligation, guilt) I began to see myself at the center. (At least part of the time.)</p><p></p><p>You have value. You deserve to be treated well. He is responsible for him. He is gaslighting you. Don't let him.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 738204, member: 18958"] Bluebell. Hi. It seems clear that any interaction with him leads down the rabbit hole and engaging with at all brings you down. His logic is... well...not logical. He is blaming. He is externalizing responsibility. How does anything about the past, justify his bad acts in the present? Of course you are right. But the thing is: it is hard for us to disengage. There are so many reasons. Guilt. Love. Habit. Fear. Responsibility. And we stay in this (losing) game far, far longer than is good for us (or them.) You are doing the absolutely right thing raising these questions, and putting it down in black and white. This is how we get the strength and resolve to change things. I have been here 3 plus years. That is how long it took me to stop. I had to stop EVERYTHING. No contact. No calls. No help. Nothing. Because as I began to set stronger limits, my son ramped up. It became absolutely clear to me that any engagement with him at all, enabled a destructive dynamic to continue. Instead of putting him first, (fear, obligation, guilt) I began to see myself at the center. (At least part of the time.) You have value. You deserve to be treated well. He is responsible for him. He is gaslighting you. Don't let him. [/QUOTE]
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