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met him for lunch
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 738260" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>A friend who is a psychologist told me to advise my partner M to tell my son this:</p><p><em></em></p><p><em>Nothing you say or do will make me leave your mother. I will support her, and stand with her, no matter what.</em></p><p><em></em></p><p>I told M and he said: <em>Well, I have told him over and over, that he is forcing us apart. That if that is what he wants, I would leave if that will make him better, if he could have a better life, be productive, join society--if I got out of the picture. But that he has to show me, first.</em></p><p></p><p>So I explained to M, that what he was saying was empowering my son, and was the opposite of what my friend meant. And M told my son what the friend said.</p><p></p><p>I have no way to know what effect that had on my son, M's words, his empowering our relationship to my son.</p><p></p><p>But he empowered the relationship to me. To himself. I am only seeing this now but it was after this that I had the courage and resolve to completely cut off my son. No contact. No coming to our properties. No phone calls. I did not want to see or speak to him. And I meant it. He called to me in a shopping center last week, came toward me, and stopped maybe 10' away. I said Hello. Turned around and entered a cafe. Left him standing there. And emotionally it is getting a bit easier. I am not doubting myself. </p><p></p><p>Don't you think our children need to be pushed out of the nest? I mean, at almost 30? Is this not a biological imperative? To say by words and deeds, go make your own nest. I have my own, and you are not in it. I mean. It sounds kind of cruel. But is it not true? What is wrong with the truth?</p><p></p><p>Now that you are writing this, both of you, about our relationships and our kids, I am thinking that these kids, AND US, need to hear the primacy of our relationships. And that they do not, is part of the problem. They do not need to understand or accept. Or is the power because we have voiced it to them. And once we voice it, everything changes. In us. We change. That is what I am thinking.</p><p></p><p>My son tries to divide and conquer. He works us separately. I think there is a jealousy, a resentment, even a hatred of M, for being in the way; taking what is his.</p><p></p><p>Which is all to say: <u>I think YOU WERE RIGHT TO SAY IT OUT, to say it straight.</u></p><p></p><p><strong><em>I choose him. You make your own life. And then we turn around and walk away.</em></strong></p><p></p><p>This is the part I have had such a hard time accepting. Letting go. It is time to walk away. They need to learn to manage how they will manage. There is no place for Mama in his nest. Which he needs to build. Not me.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 738260, member: 18958"] A friend who is a psychologist told me to advise my partner M to tell my son this: [I] Nothing you say or do will make me leave your mother. I will support her, and stand with her, no matter what. [/I] I told M and he said: [I]Well, I have told him over and over, that he is forcing us apart. That if that is what he wants, I would leave if that will make him better, if he could have a better life, be productive, join society--if I got out of the picture. But that he has to show me, first.[/I] So I explained to M, that what he was saying was empowering my son, and was the opposite of what my friend meant. And M told my son what the friend said. I have no way to know what effect that had on my son, M's words, his empowering our relationship to my son. But he empowered the relationship to me. To himself. I am only seeing this now but it was after this that I had the courage and resolve to completely cut off my son. No contact. No coming to our properties. No phone calls. I did not want to see or speak to him. And I meant it. He called to me in a shopping center last week, came toward me, and stopped maybe 10' away. I said Hello. Turned around and entered a cafe. Left him standing there. And emotionally it is getting a bit easier. I am not doubting myself. Don't you think our children need to be pushed out of the nest? I mean, at almost 30? Is this not a biological imperative? To say by words and deeds, go make your own nest. I have my own, and you are not in it. I mean. It sounds kind of cruel. But is it not true? What is wrong with the truth? Now that you are writing this, both of you, about our relationships and our kids, I am thinking that these kids, AND US, need to hear the primacy of our relationships. And that they do not, is part of the problem. They do not need to understand or accept. Or is the power because we have voiced it to them. And once we voice it, everything changes. In us. We change. That is what I am thinking. My son tries to divide and conquer. He works us separately. I think there is a jealousy, a resentment, even a hatred of M, for being in the way; taking what is his. Which is all to say: [U]I think YOU WERE RIGHT TO SAY IT OUT, to say it straight.[/U] [B][I]I choose him. You make your own life. And then we turn around and walk away.[/I][/B] This is the part I have had such a hard time accepting. Letting go. It is time to walk away. They need to learn to manage how they will manage. There is no place for Mama in his nest. Which he needs to build. Not me. [/QUOTE]
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