Met Jumper's boyfriend's father and aunt at football game last night...haha. Psycho!

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by MidwestMom, Sep 10, 2011.

  1. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I had driven Jumper and two of her friends to see the boys play, not really thinking I'd run into J's family or that, if they did see me, they'd maybe glare, but leave me alone. I had seen J's father taping his game when his son played at our school and he saw me too and just sniffed and looked away. Thought he'd leave me alone. I was wrong.

    While standing by the fence, away from the crowd, I suddenly heard some heavy footsteps behind me and I turned around. Yep. J's father and another woman were traipsing up to me and the girls. They had come down from the bleachers and halfway across the football field. The first think Dad said to me was,"I'm ___, J's Dad, and I want you to know that since my son met your daughter he is not the same kid. He's defiant, lies, fights back...he never did this before. Obviously, it is Jumper's fault."

    Then the lady jumped in. Turns out she is Aunt, Dad's sister. She immediately started yelling and right then I knew that the crowd's focus was no longer the football game but us. Jumper played the adult and said, "Can we just move behind the bleachers so we don't make a scene?" Aunt snapped, "No!" And as I tried to explain a few things to Dad and Aunt, both of them yelled over every word I said. I remember thinking that it must be horrible for J. to try to communicate with these people because you can't. They don't stop to take a breath. They make assumptions up and silly stories that aren't true, get them in their heads, and try screaming you down. I guess they thought they'd scare me, but I'm not easily intimidated and Jumper held up remarkably well.

    Aunt shouted in our faces that we had no morals (she knows this how?) and that she is a Christian and J. was brought up right. Her and Dad insisted that Jumper had this evil plot to have J's baby and make him stay home from college so that he'd never live his dream (where any of this came from, nobody knows). I tried to tell them that both k ids were virgins and to chill and I actually yelled as loud as Aunt, but I don't know if they were listening or not. Finally, Dad turned to Jumper and stared her down and said, "Do YOU realize this all happened because of YOU?" Jumper nodded, "Yes." "You cause all this, you know?" Jumper kept on nodding, and mumbling, "Sure." "Yes." "Ok." It took the wind out of his sails. He'd expected her to mouth off to him or deny it. She just did what she had to in order to shut him up and it worked. Finally she got tired of it and said, "Really, it's all my fault" and walked away. Aunt shouted, "Why don't you just leave?" I said, "Because we came to watch the game and we don't have to leave." Then I walked away with the rest of the girls and they didn't follow us.

    Note: I believe J. never defied them before he met Jumper. I think Jumper means a lot to him and he doesn't understand why he can't see her and he's done being their perfect little angel who does everything they ask while putting up with a tremendous load of horrible verbal abuse. in my opinion it was going to happen, Jumper or no Jumper. He was ready to break free and he's doing it. He isn't swearing at them. He lied to them one time about where he'd be. He hasn't been over-the-top. They are experiencing typical teen a little late.

    I was shaking inside and Jumper was crying, but not out of control and when I asked her if she wanted to leave she said, "No way. I'm not letting them chase us away." We watched the whole game. While we were standing there, Jumper's friend happened to turn around and caught Aunt's eyes in the stands. Aunt very Christian-like gave the girl the middle finger. The girl turned back around and didn't tell us about that until after we were driving home.

    After the game, the girls ran to tell J. what had happened so he'd have a heads up and he refused to go home that night. He stayed with a friend. I had a long talk with Jumper and she told me that J. said he had been so lonely before they met. Her friend told me that J. thanked her all the time for introducing them. Jumper said she's not leaving him; that he'd have to decide to break up with her. I was tempted to tell her she had to cut it off, but decided to let her finish the learning experience. This is really not about Jumper and me. It's about J. and his family and how poorly they communicate. I'm glad hub had not come with. That wouldn't have been pretty.

    Honestly, between psycho-stepmom and Crazy Aunt I don't know who's worse. I never want to see them again. I don't imagine that I will. I'm never going to anymore games and they won't stray from their turf and come out here to bother us. At least I don't think so. Honestly, last night I was ready to insist we go home and that Jumper break up with him.
     
    Lasted edited by : Sep 10, 2011
  2. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    Well, now we know why they use notes to communicate. Sheesh, what a lovely bunch. Was he adopted?
     
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    No. My daughter was...lol.

    He is treated like dirt. He is always being told "She'll break up with you FOR SOMEBODY BETTER!" Huh? Or "You're such a *****up." In what universe? He really feels that Jumper is the only one who cares about him. It's not true. Many people do, and I think his Dad is one of them, but he has no idea how to show it and be a loving father to his son. And he doesn't really confide in his guy friends.

    Trust me, it is hard for hub and I to let Jumper continue in this relationship. But, although a easy child, Jumper is a typical teen too. She already told me, as we have a very honest relationship, that no matter what we do, she is still going to see J. because they haven't done anything wrong. And she's right on that. And I do believe she'd text him and see him even if we insisted she not do it. And he's a nice boy...he can't help his family. I think it's best that she see for herself that as much as she thinks she (puppy) loves this boy, sometimes things don't work out. Last night she was almost ready to call it off. Hub and I think it's best if she comes to that conclusion on her own.
     
  4. TeDo

    TeDo Guest

    MWM, just sent you a PM.
     
  5. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Poor J and Jumper. It is embarrassing enough at that age to HAVe parents, but to have them do that in public, how awful!

    You and husband are very right that you need to stay OUT of Jumper's and J's decision to date. The ONLY thing you will accomplish is forcing her to hide the relationship and sneak around and lie. And there really are people who meet at that age and spend their lives together. NOT saying that will happen to Jumper, but it can happen.

    INstead, keep the lines of communication open, listen to your daughter and trust her. She and J have done NOTHING to earn your distrust or disapproval. So they don't deserve to be punished, Know what I mean??

    The law where you are says a kid must live with his parents until age 18. This would have to be enforced by the cops bringing him home. I can't help but wonder if the cops would even bother to look for J as he is so close to being a legal adult? Unless he committed some awful crime, they have bigger fish to fry. While it is not appropriate for y'all to take him in, he might be able to just not go home if a friend's family or a minister would be willing to let him live with them, esp as he has a job, is a really good kid, and is likely in physical danger based on his dad punching him.

    Given the verbal and physical and emotional abuse, is there any chance that J would speak to someone at the DV center? Just because CPS won't do anything doesn't mean the DV center wouldn't. they would likely go to court if the parents dragged the issue that far and would testify that J is not safe in any way at that house.


    I am sorry you had to be verbally assaulted this way. Jumper's reaction was amazing - esp as I pray she knows she is NOT any of the things she said she was! in my opinion these people haven't seen typical teen behavior out of J, not by a very long shot. they see behavior of a teen growing up as a easy child, or maybe with a teensy tiny hint of typical teen tossed in.
     
  6. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Good on Jumper for behaving in such a mature fashion.

    Wasn't it the mom who wanted equal time for the kids at both houses? I think you now have grounds for refusing equal time - the verbal abuse Jumper copped. She should not have to endure that and frankly, if it happened here I'd be calling the cops to report it. Not that they would do anything, but they would have the problem on record and would keep a file in the event of any problems escalating.

    No way should she have to go near any of those adults, not if that is how they treat her. And no way should J be asking her to endure any of it either. I doubt he is, though.

    I do agree - let her see this boy let the relationship continue. If you try to forbid, it will drive underground and you will lose all control and knowledge. Much better for you to be in the loop, even if you are not happy.

    Marg
     
  7. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    MWM,

    Just on a cautionary note. If it were me? I would not tell Jumper or the boyfriend, but as a concerned parent? I would want this confrontation documented with the school psychiatrist at a district level. Sounds like I'm being henny penny - but these people are not stable and the fact that their son is being verbally abused and dominated to this degree is a form of domestic violence. Someone should be aware. Not that there is much anyone can do at this point, but with a couple of parents SO voliatle that they attacked YOU in public and Jumper in public and made such a scene? They're not done making problems for everyone. Document, document, document! You may even want to file this with the police department as a simple INCIDENT report. FOR THE SAKE of ---should it happen ever again and you need to call 911...you have it documented. They will not visit them, or talk to them even. IT's just a statement on file.

    To stop this relationship? Yeah well you're correct - you'd create a Romeo/Juliet situation and disaster. Right now Jumper is his only salvation and she feels like his only way out. He really needs to know there are others out there he can depend on, go to - that care about in in a healthy manner and he's NOT isolated. - OTHER than Jumper. I'd leave that up to the school.

    As far as not backing down? GOOD FOR YOU WARRIOR MOM - I'm proud of you!!!!!!!!! As far as not going again? Why not? I'd go wherever I liked as often as I liked and if they showed up again and started crud? I'd call 911 and report them as a disturbance with good riddance - as you would already HAVE IT on file.
     
  8. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I'm proud of you and Jumper. It hasn't been that long ago that you were tentative as Jumper started her transition to teenage years. I recall how worried you were that she was spending so much time away from home and how worried you were that your personality might not jive with her friends. You've been thoughtful, pushed yourself to reach new social boundaries and are doing an outstanding job of dealing with a difficult and unusual situation. The maturity that Jumper demonstrated is awesome. I have no idea how this "story" will end but I praise your efforts and support for your wonderful daughter. Hugs. DDD
     
  9. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Way To Go! You did extremely well. And they ARE psycho. Wow.

    Love this--it really says a lot: "Why don't you just leave?" I said, "Because we came to watch the game and we don't have to leave."
    :warrior:

    And flipping the bird. So mature. So Christian.
    They'll die from aneuyrisms, for sure.
     
  10. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Wow, thanks a lot! I actually thought at least somebody would jump in and say they'd demand that Jumper not see him anymore. But it's not as easy as it sounds. I know too many kids who start lying to see the boyfriend/girlfriend that the parents don't approve of. I don't want Jumper to have to resort to that as we have always had a very upfront relationship and he's a good kid. I never let Jumper go to his house. Ever. I don't even want her to go watch his football games anymore, but she goes with a few friends. She has one friend who confronted Dad in the parking lot after the big scene. She is one of Jumper's best friends. I'll call her M.

    M. followed the Dad and StepMom (Aunt was gone) to their car and got to see how J. snubbed them on his way to the team bus. Then she made them listen to her. She told them that Jumper was a virgin (so is J.). They seem to think that Jumper wants to keep him from going away to school. She doesn't want him to live his dream. She wants to have his baby and tie him down. M. set him straight and he actually listened. At the end, he reluctantly thanked her, although he asked her why Jumper hadn't told him this. She said, "Jumper is afraid of you!"

    As to why he can't live here, he goes to school almost an hour away. He loves his school. His parents have sort of backed off on him and he is allowed to sort of do what he likes, although they still badger him. He only has three months before he turns eighteen then he can stay here whenever he likes, but during school time it's going to be hard. There is nothing CPS can or will do about verbal abuse of a child, let alone one this big and this close to maturity. I doubt the police would do anything about a verbal yellfest either.

    J. is here today. His parents know it. They didn't let him drive, but a friend of Jumper's picked him up.

    I used to think that it was too bad that Jumper met J. at age fifteen because he is such a good kid with so much good ahead of him. But now I'm glad she's fifteen. I really would not want to share grandchildren with this heinous family. I really never want to see any of them again. I assume that when he goes out of state to college next year (and that's what he wants to do...his first choice school is in Indiana), they will break up. I don't see any reason to ever lay eyes on them again...EVER. And Jumper doesn't need that headache either.
     
  11. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green

    Well if he goes to a college in Indiana and needs a "local" safety net of sorts.....give the kid my name.
     
  12. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    Ditto.
     
  13. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    That's really sweet of both of you. I'll see if he's still around before he goes to college. If so, *I* may take you up on that if Jumper is still "dating" him and wants to visit...lol.
     
  14. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    It can be hairy when your teen daughters get caught up with first BFs from dysfunctional families. Also something to watch for - because you have multiple difficult children, Jumper is almost certainly in "fix it" mode. I know my girls are/have been, especially easy child. Often the eldest does this, or at least the eldest easy child (or near-easy child). My BFF is also a "fix it" person, and as a result has at times been badly burned by people she tried to help who, frankly, did not want to be helped.

    In our experience - easy child met her first boyfriend at a camp for kids who help care for a disabled family member. easy child was 14, the boy was 15. They stayed in touch, mostly over the phone, for the next few years. He would sometimes travel down to visit us for a weekend (when you live three hours away, day trips are not practical). They split up when he was going through high school final exams. Then got back together again because they were miserable. By this stage they were having sex but trying to hide the fact. Then they split up again. We worried about the relationship a lot, because this kid had a lot on his plate emotionally, living with his quadriplegic mother in sub-standard housing on the wrong side of the tracks. His mother is a hard case, verbally aggressive but underneath it all, I got on well with her. She can be a bit difficult sometimes, she also was determined to keep the kids together, she kept telling easy child that the kids were "soul mates".

    End of the story - they're now married. SIL1 has grown from an awkward, loudmouth (at times) know it all to a very considerate, loving and go-getting man. He's always been compassionate (thanks to having to care for his mother from the age of 5) and now easy child is getting the benefit. His mother now has cancer and has refused all treatment (other than palliative). She also won't tell the kids any details, they don't even know what form of cancer it is or how (or if) it is progressing.

    Story 2 - easy child 2/difficult child 2's first boyfriend. Well, first serious boyfriend anyway. He's (allegedly) a easy child, but with an absent mother. He was often left alone in the apartment while his mother went out. He would not know when she was coming home, often she would say, "I'm going out for a few hours," and not come home for days. She would leave him with some money to go buy food, but there were times when he ran out and he didn't know how to get in touch with her. easy child 2/difficult child 2 found herself being seen increasingly by this boyfriend as a substitute mother figure, and my girl really does love to mother people. But it was increasingly unhealthy. The end was inevitable - the boyfriend kept putting easy child 2/difficult child 2 on the "mummy" pedestal and at the same time, trying to rebel and act defiant. We now know he was almost certainly sleeping around - a year ago easy child 2/difficult child 2 had to have a colposcopy for pre-cancerous cervical patches due to HPV, which it is just too soon for her to have caught from SIL2.
    easy child 2/difficult child 2 was increasingly unhappy in that relationship, and the boyfriend's mates were also trying to disrupt the relationship (they wanted their buddy back, unencumbered by any girls). When they broke up it was messy, he behaved very badly towards her. She handled it maturely (with my pulling on the reins to stop her blogging just as nastily as he did about her) and when they met a few months later they resolved any ongoing bad feeling. She had moved on by then and I think it hurt him how fast she was able to do this.
    The interesting thing - the next boyfriend who became SIL2, is also a Young Carer and again, they met at camp. They actually had met while she was still with boyfriend and SIL2 kept his distance (and stayed just friends) until it was clear that the break-up had happened.

    I've actually friended the exBF on FaceBook (it helps me keep tabs on what he's up to). I've seen him continue to make the same relationship mistakes. I met up with him at difficult child 1's best friend's wedding a month ago (ex-boyfriend was one of the groomsmen, difficult child 1 was best man). While I was happy to chat to the young man and his new girlfriend (who is very much cast by him in the "mummy" role - it can't last that way with him, but she won't hear it from me) I was left feeling that nothing has changed with him, and increasingly I am very glad that my daughter doesn't have to put up with his crud.

    He's basically a nice guy who has been totally mucked up by a dysfunctional mother. The guy needs therapy before he will ever be able to be an equal partner in any relationship.

    So MWM, Jumper's boyfriend may work out fine in spite of his family background, or he could be a basket case in the making. You don't know. With both my girls, there were times when I was very unhappy with the boyfriend and how he behaved. One time, SIL1 (as boyfriend) drove down with his mates in the wee small hours (a three hour drive) just to hoon around in our town. He telephoned at 2 am and I gave him an earful. Then husband took the phone from me and REALLY gave him what for.
    To his credit, the boy apologised to us, was very contrite when he telephoned next day. And again next time he visited. And he never did it again.

    I'm sure it was my kids' teen years that have given me the most grey hairs!

    Marg
     
  15. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Jumper is almost certainly in "fix it" mode

    Good point. My daughter has gone through that and should be past it in ... oh, another 20 yrs ...
     
  16. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Thanks, guys.

    I don't really think Jumper is trying to fix it, although his family makes her angry. J. is not really a kid you normally feel sorry for. He is good looking, smart and extremely athletic (one college already accepted him and offered him a football scholarship, although he wants to wait for the one he REALLY wants to go to). In spite of his family, he is a high achiever and stubborn and will make it in life. Jumper just really likes him. I am not quite sure why he is hanging in there, considering all the drama. He could have his pick of girls his own age and at his own school where he is an athletic star. I doubt his parents would give him the same grief over somebody that they find more acceptable. I have to assume something is just really THERE for him now with Jumper. He is constantly afraid she will leave him. Jumper is really just a naive kid, yet this senior, who is quite popular, picked her. In so many ways, I wish he hadn't.

    I really don't believe this relationship will last beyond his leaving for out-of-state. If he plays football, and he he won't go to a college that doesn't let him, he will be chased by all those hot, horny college girls...lol. He has never had a chance to just bust loose, but I think he will at college. Although Jumper says she expects them to break up when he leaves, I hope she really does understand and will be emotionally ready. At t hat point in time, she will have just turned sixteen.
     
  17. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Why is he with Jumper and not a girl at his school? That is EASY. First, Jumper IS special. We know it, all who know her know it, it just is. Second, if he went with a girl from his school she would be there every day. No matter what. Driving to see a younger girlfriend takes some time, but not an outlandish amount. It leaves him free most days to do what he needs to do - far less of a time commitment than a girl who is tehre every day wanting/demanding stuff. Also, he has his eye on the prize - a college education paid for by football scholarship far away from his idiot parents. He cannot risk having a child and seems to be adult enough to understand that there is NO real way to 100% prevent pregnancy but not having sex. So he has a girlfriend who isn't ready, and knows that he is also not ready. This lets him tell all the girls at his school, who are sure to be making it known that they are available and interested, that he has a girlfriend and is faithful to her. Doesn't have to deal with questions about why not date/have sex with this or that or the other girl, etc....

    So with Jumper he has a girl who is clearly popular, cute, same status level as him, okay with not having him devoting every minute to her (LOTS of hs girls think that this is how it is suppsoed to be), and clearly is not going to push him into something he isn't ready for or let him push her into it. She is his girlfriend, and he cares about her I am sure, but she is also his shield from the hot horny high school girls who can be even more aggressive than the college girls!

    THIS is why he is dating Jumper and not someone from his school. And it gives similar protection benefits to Jumper against any boys in her school who woudl get too pushy.
     
  18. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I like how you think, Susie :)
     
  19. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    It's a good point. I'm certain that a lot of the reason, at least initially, for easy child to have her long-distance relationship with her boyfriend (now SIL1) was because she had the status (and "stay away from me, you other guys, I'm spoken for") of a boyfriend without the pressures. She was really messed up about sex for years because of the sexual assault at school when she was 5 years old.

    MWM, I do think any girlfriend of J would be in strife with his family. For some kids, it's a very over-rotective thing. For others, it's a control thing. I've seen this myself. When I was growing up, there was a family living near us whose daughters I was friends with. I visited regularly until their father tried to seduce me. Then I realised what their home life must have been like, but I had to protect myself. I never told the girls what their father did to me. But the older girl got a boyfriend (met him at a friend's place) and was writing to this boy. Her father found out and hit the roof, made her break up with the boy, made her write the letter and made her send it. But she secretly wrote the boy another letter, sent him other messages (via the female classmate who had introduced them) so he stayed in the picture. I was beginning to lose contact with her at this point but I stayed in touch with her friend and hear more. Daddy dearest would find another letter and hit the roof again. He was behaving like a jealous lover, his girls were not allowed to ever have a boyfriend. Eventually the eldest girl ran away from home and moved in with a much older man.

    Other families where I've seen this - the attitude was a conflicted "nobody is good enough for my child" coupled with "my child is not ready for a relationship and won't be until I say so" plus an overdeveloped need to protect (ie control).

    With J, I suspect any girlfriend he has will cop this sort of accusation and abuse from his family. Think about what they stated their fears were - that Jumper and J were having sex, that she was planning to get pregnant and keep him by her side instead of letting him go to college. If J were going out with an older girl closer to his age, those fears would be far more likely. With Jumper, it's ludicrous. So I don't think this is about Jumper at all. It's about these people and their sense of ownership of J. Everything they have said, or done, is about them trying to control aspects of his life. It is common especially with eldest children in a family where the parents are dysfunctional and themselves unwilling to accept the changes we go through at various stages of our lives. Your child developing romantic attachments is the first warning bell indicating approaching grandparenthood and old age. Buffed, primped, botoxed party individuals tend to be more inclined to denial and obstruction in order to ward this off for as long as they can.

    Marg
     
  20. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    I also have to think that any girl his parents consider "acceptable" will not be to his taste. Would they rather he date the cheerleader that's been with half the team simply because she looks right to them? Or someone that is also a screaming arguer like them? Nah, I think he's smarter than that, and that in Jumper he sees someone with compatible goals and morals, things that will mean more in the long run than his parents' idea of "acceptable."
     
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