I was just wondering how you, wife, and difficult child were doing. Is there less chaos than there was? Wanted you to know I was thinking about you.
Hi all. Been a while, but it's been hectic, and I needed to get away from the boards for a while (booze and drugs aren't the only thing you can get addicted to
) I guess now I should be posting in PE, but since most of you have "grown up" with Me and McWeedy, I'll put out an update here.
Not quite sure what to say about McWeedy, except it's good that God put an inhibition in most parent's brains that keeps them from violent action towards their offspring.
As you may remember, in October it was pretty much a done deal that McWeedy was moving out in January. Then he got arrested in November. We thought it would be a reprieve. We thought it would be something that finally got McWeedy's attention.
We thought wrong.
The weekend after being arrested, he "disappeared" again, and went to a party and got royally stoned. After that, he appeared to calm down (one last hurrah, I guessed at the time). He had a court date on 12/5, and appeared to settle down. That is, until we found out he'd started drinking. I guess he switched from drugs that could be tested for to drugs that he thought he could get away with (booze).
His mom found out by reading his text messages on his phone. As usual, he didn't deny it once caught, but acted like it was our problem, not his. When I told him that he wasn't on diversion
yet, and that he could be denied diversion, it seemed to get his attention again. But not for long.
He lied and bluffed his way through the drug/booze screening ordered by the court. Since he was 18 when the 'crime' occurred, we weren't allowed in the screening, weren't allowed any input into the evaluation, and weren't allowed to see the results of the evaluation. But I can guess that McWeedy really had his poker face working well, because all that was recommended was 15 weeks of outpatient therapy (once per week).
Anywhoo, McWeedy lays low between his initial court date and his diversion hearing. Minor outbursts and problems, but nothing serious. At the hearing, the prosecutor goes to great lengths to explain that McWeedy was charged as an adult with multiple crimes, and that unlike his underage peers, had he not been recommended for diversion he definitely WOULD have been facing 6-8 months in lockup. Prosecutor then goes on to explain all the conditions of diversion, and the various levels of pain an agony that would be visited upon him should he bust any of the conditions. McWeedy smiles, signs, and walks out a "free" man.
That was on 12/30, the day before New Year's Eve.
That night, he said he was going to a friend's house. He stopped answering his phone around 9pm, and didn't show up until the next day. My father in law was in town for New Year's Day, so wife didn't want to make a stink about it. No excuse, just "I didn't feel like coming home". I took his phone and car away for the rest of the week. That night, he went out "for dinner" with his girlfriend for New Year's eve, and didn't show up again until the following day. Again, wife pushes it under the rug to keep our "dirty little secret" from her father (who by this time already knows what's going on).
I told wife that this had to end, that we had lost control of him. She didn't disagree, but got upset when I told McWeedy that if he ever left again without intending to come back by curfew, just stay gone and call about coming to get his things. wife got mad, and a conflict started.
I eventually gave up arguing with both of them by saying
I watched my mother kill herself with booze. I watched my uncle die from driving drunk. I watched both my grandparents destroy their health with booze and die from diseases they shouldn't have suffered from. I have to watch my brother suffer in jail <u>again</u> from drugs and booze. If just ONE person in any of their lives had had the courage to stand up to them, maybe they wouldn't have suffered the fates they did. But nobody did. I won't let our son be the next person to jump off the cliff while others (like me) sit and watch. I HAVE TO DO SOMETHING!.
Well, lead balloons don't float, and neither did my assertion. I was slapped with "He's going to be drug tested, he's going to be on diversion and monitoring, what more could you want? He won't screw up now because he knows what would happen...."
Ah, prophecy. Too bad it doesn't work unless it's in hindsight.
After the diversion hearing on 12/30, McWeedy had his initial meeting with his diversion officer scheduled for 1/14 (today). Friday night, he was an hour late getting home. Saturday night, I told him that he had to make up the hour by being home by 11pm. "Okay Dad. See you then". You've read this script before. Stopped answering his phone at 8, wasn't home by 11, the friend he was supposed to be at a BBQ with didn't know anything about it at 12:30am. The next day, he texts his Mom saying "sorry, I was drunk and passed out. I'll be home soon".
I'd had it. I told wife he had to go. It was two days before he was supposed to meet his diversion officer for the first time, the terms of his diversion
specifically stated that he wasn't to drink or partake of any other controlled substances, and here he was drunk two days before. I said he had to go. wife said no. I said "Okay, then I have to go. He obviously doesn't care what happens to him, nor does he care about how his actions affect other people. I can't stop him from killing himself (or worse), but I don't have to sit and watch it happen".
wife comes back "what would you have him do?" I said "Rehab. NOW!" She then counters with "but what about school? He just got off suspension, he has one semester left at HS to get his graphics design endorsement on his degree, and he's starting junior college part time next week. You'd have him give all that up for rehab?"
In a word, "YES!!! This is his life. If he dies, if he kills someone else while DUI, if he busts diversion and ends up in jail, being in school won't make a difference. He's simply switched pot for booze, thinking he can't get caught (surprise, now they can test for that as well). Education can come later, but only if he's alive and free to take advantage of it."
Of course,
I was the one overreacting
.
In the end, McWeedy said he didn't give a poop about what I said. In private, after wife went to bed last night, I told him that this wasn't going to end well for anyone. Especially not for him if I chose to tell his diversion officer what happened over the weekend. He'd be busted out of the program before he even started. "Whatever" (rolling eyes, heavy sighs, ennui ensues). Says I'm an idiot to tell him to leave because he can't support himself, so he's not going anywhere (pretty much verbatim). Then says he doesn't care what I think because all I want to do is fight, so get the BLEEP out of his room.
Guess I'm asking too much of an addict to care - especially when they know they have safe haven and a sponsor.
Later that night, Dancer says she can't get to sleep and is near to tears. I guess she heard me yelling at McWeedy about the fact that he's likely to cause a divorce. She ended up having to sleep with us last night. It was then that I realized that the "he goes or I go" statement was BS, because while Sarge could do fine on his own, and wife would make it okay, Dancer would be devastated. I couldn't do that to her.
So, in a sense, I'm just as trapped in this situation as McWeedy is. He knows he can't go anywhere, that if he leaves he won't have the money for the diversion fees, healthcare, food, shelter, etc, so he's "stuck" at home. And he senses that I can't kick him out, either. So, like a lifer in the state penn, he acts out against me with impunity. What does he have to lose? He has his mom fooled, and he knows I won't leave Dancer.
So I'm stuck. And just today, I found out that he'd planned his Saturday night excursion; it wasn't just a spur-of-the-moment thing. One of his friends texted him saying "man, I wouldn't have the cajones to tell my parents I would be back by 11, then just not show up until the next day, then tell them I was out drinking and had passed out". For him, it appears to have progressed beyond simply replacing one drug with another; now, he's a cult figure acting out the rebellious intentions of all his peers so they can vicariously join in.
Yes, I'm stuck good and true. I can either sit back and watch something bad happen, and then watch wife destroy herself with blame and guilt. I can force McWeedy into rehab to stay at home, and threaten to bust him with his diversion officer for any infraction - then enjoy 12-18 months of animosity from McWeedy and wife. Or I can leave, and abandon wife and McWeedy to their fates, and crush Dancer in the process. Or I can secretly clue McWeedy's diversion officer into the truth, get him busted, and run the risk of alienating my wife and giving my son a permanent criminal record.
And to top it off, McWeedy told his girlfriend that if he wasn't dating her, he'd definitely be looking at suicide because his life sucked so bad. When I told this to wife, I didn't get anything - just a "he's mad at you; of course he's going to say these things". Only, it was a text message to his girlfriend, not something he said to me. And it's not the first time he's made comments like this. If he can't have his stoner life, he doesn't want any other life. And since he's NEVER to blame for any of this problems, I'm the target because I'm standing up and telling him that his path is wrong. Maybe he's just talking and blowing off steam, maybe not...
Sand, meet wife's head (up to the neck). Brick wall, meet Mikey's forehead. Again and again and again.....
As usual, I guess this thing will play out on it's own. It's obvious that I have no control, but I can't get off the ride, either. Not sure where it will end, but I have no doubt there are other twists, turns, and unexpected drops before it stops. I just hope when it's over that I still have my wits and my family intact. But at this point, it's pretty much out of my hands.
Maybe it has been, all along.
Mikey