Mikey? Just checkin' on you....

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by wakeupcall, Dec 20, 2007.

  1. wakeupcall

    wakeupcall Well-Known Member

    I was just wondering how you, wife, and difficult child were doing. Is there less chaos than there was? Wanted you to know I was thinking about you.

    Pam
     
  2. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    That's funny, Pam. Mikey popped into my head today, too. DDD
     
  3. wakeupcall

    wakeupcall Well-Known Member

  4. PonyGirl

    PonyGirl Warrior Parent

    Pam & DDD, Same here!

    How's it going Mikey?? Thinking of you friend!

    Peace
     
  5. wakeupcall

    wakeupcall Well-Known Member

  6. Mikey

    Mikey Psycho Gorilla Dad

    Hi all. Been a while, but it's been hectic, and I needed to get away from the boards for a while (booze and drugs aren't the only thing you can get addicted to :frown: ) I guess now I should be posting in PE, but since most of you have "grown up" with Me and McWeedy, I'll put out an update here.

    Not quite sure what to say about McWeedy, except it's good that God put an inhibition in most parent's brains that keeps them from violent action towards their offspring.

    As you may remember, in October it was pretty much a done deal that McWeedy was moving out in January. Then he got arrested in November. We thought it would be a reprieve. We thought it would be something that finally got McWeedy's attention.

    We thought wrong.

    The weekend after being arrested, he "disappeared" again, and went to a party and got royally stoned. After that, he appeared to calm down (one last hurrah, I guessed at the time). He had a court date on 12/5, and appeared to settle down. That is, until we found out he'd started drinking. I guess he switched from drugs that could be tested for to drugs that he thought he could get away with (booze).

    His mom found out by reading his text messages on his phone. As usual, he didn't deny it once caught, but acted like it was our problem, not his. When I told him that he wasn't on diversion yet, and that he could be denied diversion, it seemed to get his attention again. But not for long.

    He lied and bluffed his way through the drug/booze screening ordered by the court. Since he was 18 when the 'crime' occurred, we weren't allowed in the screening, weren't allowed any input into the evaluation, and weren't allowed to see the results of the evaluation. But I can guess that McWeedy really had his poker face working well, because all that was recommended was 15 weeks of outpatient therapy (once per week).

    Anywhoo, McWeedy lays low between his initial court date and his diversion hearing. Minor outbursts and problems, but nothing serious. At the hearing, the prosecutor goes to great lengths to explain that McWeedy was charged as an adult with multiple crimes, and that unlike his underage peers, had he not been recommended for diversion he definitely WOULD have been facing 6-8 months in lockup. Prosecutor then goes on to explain all the conditions of diversion, and the various levels of pain an agony that would be visited upon him should he bust any of the conditions. McWeedy smiles, signs, and walks out a "free" man.

    That was on 12/30, the day before New Year's Eve.

    That night, he said he was going to a friend's house. He stopped answering his phone around 9pm, and didn't show up until the next day. My father in law was in town for New Year's Day, so wife didn't want to make a stink about it. No excuse, just "I didn't feel like coming home". I took his phone and car away for the rest of the week. That night, he went out "for dinner" with his girlfriend for New Year's eve, and didn't show up again until the following day. Again, wife pushes it under the rug to keep our "dirty little secret" from her father (who by this time already knows what's going on).

    I told wife that this had to end, that we had lost control of him. She didn't disagree, but got upset when I told McWeedy that if he ever left again without intending to come back by curfew, just stay gone and call about coming to get his things. wife got mad, and a conflict started.

    I eventually gave up arguing with both of them by saying I watched my mother kill herself with booze. I watched my uncle die from driving drunk. I watched both my grandparents destroy their health with booze and die from diseases they shouldn't have suffered from. I have to watch my brother suffer in jail <u>again</u> from drugs and booze. If just ONE person in any of their lives had had the courage to stand up to them, maybe they wouldn't have suffered the fates they did. But nobody did. I won't let our son be the next person to jump off the cliff while others (like me) sit and watch. I HAVE TO DO SOMETHING!.

    Well, lead balloons don't float, and neither did my assertion. I was slapped with "He's going to be drug tested, he's going to be on diversion and monitoring, what more could you want? He won't screw up now because he knows what would happen...."

    Ah, prophecy. Too bad it doesn't work unless it's in hindsight.

    After the diversion hearing on 12/30, McWeedy had his initial meeting with his diversion officer scheduled for 1/14 (today). Friday night, he was an hour late getting home. Saturday night, I told him that he had to make up the hour by being home by 11pm. "Okay Dad. See you then". You've read this script before. Stopped answering his phone at 8, wasn't home by 11, the friend he was supposed to be at a BBQ with didn't know anything about it at 12:30am. The next day, he texts his Mom saying "sorry, I was drunk and passed out. I'll be home soon".

    :grrr:

    I'd had it. I told wife he had to go. It was two days before he was supposed to meet his diversion officer for the first time, the terms of his diversion specifically stated that he wasn't to drink or partake of any other controlled substances, and here he was drunk two days before. I said he had to go. wife said no. I said "Okay, then I have to go. He obviously doesn't care what happens to him, nor does he care about how his actions affect other people. I can't stop him from killing himself (or worse), but I don't have to sit and watch it happen".

    wife comes back "what would you have him do?" I said "Rehab. NOW!" She then counters with "but what about school? He just got off suspension, he has one semester left at HS to get his graphics design endorsement on his degree, and he's starting junior college part time next week. You'd have him give all that up for rehab?"

    In a word, "YES!!! This is his life. If he dies, if he kills someone else while DUI, if he busts diversion and ends up in jail, being in school won't make a difference. He's simply switched pot for booze, thinking he can't get caught (surprise, now they can test for that as well). Education can come later, but only if he's alive and free to take advantage of it."

    Of course, I was the one overreacting :hammer: .
    In the end, McWeedy said he didn't give a poop about what I said. In private, after wife went to bed last night, I told him that this wasn't going to end well for anyone. Especially not for him if I chose to tell his diversion officer what happened over the weekend. He'd be busted out of the program before he even started. "Whatever" (rolling eyes, heavy sighs, ennui ensues). Says I'm an idiot to tell him to leave because he can't support himself, so he's not going anywhere (pretty much verbatim). Then says he doesn't care what I think because all I want to do is fight, so get the BLEEP out of his room.

    Guess I'm asking too much of an addict to care - especially when they know they have safe haven and a sponsor.

    Later that night, Dancer says she can't get to sleep and is near to tears. I guess she heard me yelling at McWeedy about the fact that he's likely to cause a divorce. She ended up having to sleep with us last night. It was then that I realized that the "he goes or I go" statement was BS, because while Sarge could do fine on his own, and wife would make it okay, Dancer would be devastated. I couldn't do that to her.

    So, in a sense, I'm just as trapped in this situation as McWeedy is. He knows he can't go anywhere, that if he leaves he won't have the money for the diversion fees, healthcare, food, shelter, etc, so he's "stuck" at home. And he senses that I can't kick him out, either. So, like a lifer in the state penn, he acts out against me with impunity. What does he have to lose? He has his mom fooled, and he knows I won't leave Dancer.

    So I'm stuck. And just today, I found out that he'd planned his Saturday night excursion; it wasn't just a spur-of-the-moment thing. One of his friends texted him saying "man, I wouldn't have the cajones to tell my parents I would be back by 11, then just not show up until the next day, then tell them I was out drinking and had passed out". For him, it appears to have progressed beyond simply replacing one drug with another; now, he's a cult figure acting out the rebellious intentions of all his peers so they can vicariously join in.

    Yes, I'm stuck good and true. I can either sit back and watch something bad happen, and then watch wife destroy herself with blame and guilt. I can force McWeedy into rehab to stay at home, and threaten to bust him with his diversion officer for any infraction - then enjoy 12-18 months of animosity from McWeedy and wife. Or I can leave, and abandon wife and McWeedy to their fates, and crush Dancer in the process. Or I can secretly clue McWeedy's diversion officer into the truth, get him busted, and run the risk of alienating my wife and giving my son a permanent criminal record.

    And to top it off, McWeedy told his girlfriend that if he wasn't dating her, he'd definitely be looking at suicide because his life sucked so bad. When I told this to wife, I didn't get anything - just a "he's mad at you; of course he's going to say these things". Only, it was a text message to his girlfriend, not something he said to me. And it's not the first time he's made comments like this. If he can't have his stoner life, he doesn't want any other life. And since he's NEVER to blame for any of this problems, I'm the target because I'm standing up and telling him that his path is wrong. Maybe he's just talking and blowing off steam, maybe not...

    Sand, meet wife's head (up to the neck). Brick wall, meet Mikey's forehead. Again and again and again.....

    As usual, I guess this thing will play out on it's own. It's obvious that I have no control, but I can't get off the ride, either. Not sure where it will end, but I have no doubt there are other twists, turns, and unexpected drops before it stops. I just hope when it's over that I still have my wits and my family intact. But at this point, it's pretty much out of my hands.

    Maybe it has been, all along.

    Mikey
     
  7. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    Mikey,

    Why don't you take Dancer with you? It would get her away from McWeedy's influence as well.
     
  8. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green

    That was my thought too. This may "read" kind of snarky towards your wife and I DON'T mean it that way but...if wife is the only one dealing with McWeedy/Boozeman maybe the results of that will blow some of the sand out from around her head. Just a thought.

    As for McWeedy's diversion officer....I would bet that you could phone in a report anonymously and suggest that they test him right off the bat. (Assuming they don't do that anyway) Or, if you really want plausible deniability, maybe vent to one of your friends and end it with...."Gee I really wish SOMEONE (and this is where you give your friend a significant look) would call Mr. X at 555-0148 and tell him that the boy has been pickling himself."

    "Nope wife, I did not call the diversion officer nor did I tell anyone to call." *Place hand on Bible/Dancer/anything that means you aren't lying* And I swear to that! (Cause you didn't TELL anyone to call. You were just wishing outloud.) :wink:

    Anyhoo....wish there was something we could do to help. Sending hugs of understanding though.
     
  9. Mikey

    Mikey Psycho Gorilla Dad

    Not gonna happen, not in the state where I live. Not to get on a soapbox, but the husband would have to have overwhelming evidence of incompetence in order to get custody of a child from the mother. All other things being equal, moms win.

    Also, Dancer wouldn't leave. The whole reason she's upset is because (I think) she's worried about her parents separating. If that happened, going with one or the other after a breakup would completely break her up. Trying to take her away DURING a breakup would be tantamount to kidnapping.

    If it were possible, I'd do it. But it just isn't. When she's older, she could choose to follow one or the other of us, but right now any breakup would be bad for her; making her a part of the process (and in her mind, a possible cause) would be infinitely worse.

    Thanks for the suggestion, but I think this is just one ride that I have to see through to the end, no matter how scary it is.

    Mikey
     
  10. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    The holding pattern is a son-of-a-gun. The whole family suffers
    and the addict doesn't give a rats. I'm truly sorry that your
    son is not an exception to the rule. Believe it or not, I find
    myself rooting for "new CD difficult children" and trying to convince myself
    that somehow another family won't go down in flames. I'm sorry.

    Like some of the others I have suggested that you take Dancer
    and leave. I don't believe there is any chance that you will do
    that. Nobody knows which trauma will be harder on your easy child. To
    leave would be a heartbreaker...staying will be a heartbreaker.
    Lose/Lose

    I do not think you should intervene with the diversion officer.
    The addict has to be held responsible by others outside the family unit if there is ever going to be a positive ending. I
    wonder if wife, however, is ready to compromise in any way in order
    to keep you and Dancer from freaking out. Is there any chance
    that you could NOW insist that the three of you go to a family
    support group? If wife says "no way" then I should think as the
    other parent of Dancer you could quietly ask her if she would like to go to a group with you OR to a counselor to help sort
    through the issues.

    Sending caring thoughts. DDD
     
  11. Mikey

    Mikey Psycho Gorilla Dad

    A neverending parade of stupid......

    One of the conditions of diversion is that McDumbButt has to be a full time student, full-time employed, or some combination thereof.

    He has a job (when he bothers to go), and goes 1.75 hour/day to HS. When wife and I started insisting that he go to the local JC for the remainder of his classes, he actually said this:

    "I hate pretty much everything there. But if you'd sign me up for bartending classes, I'd go every day".

    :nonono: :hammer: :nonono: :hammer:

    How, oh God how did he ever end up swimming in my gene pool?

    Mikey
     
  12. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Make a call to the local/area/nonlocal AA number. Find out when Alateen meets.

    This is NOT BEGINNING to make Dancer suffer, she is in the deep end of the suffering pool, drowning.

    Take your daughter out to dinner just "Daddy and Me" Then take her to an AlaTeen meeting while you attend AlAnon.

    Just Do It.

    You don't need permission from your wife. You can probably ask Dancer to try it just for you. If she wants to tell her mom she can, or maybe she will keep it a secret.

    This is a way to help her, and to keep her from drowning in the Alcoholic Drama. It would give her some coping skills.

    If you can only find AlaTeen at a time she doesn't have an activity, then it might be worth taking her out of school to make it to a meeting. Or see if there is a homeschool AlaTeen group that meets during the day - there was one where I used to live.

    Other than that, take your own self to AlAnon meetings, whether wife, McW, or anyone else likes it or not.

    This must be terribly hard for you.

    It is even harder for Dancer.

    Hugs,

    Susie
     
  13. ck1

    ck1 New Member

    Hi Mikey: Sorry to read that things are not getting better at your house! I don't know anything about diversion, except what you've shared here and I realize your son is 18. However, he is still living at home, so if the diversion officer wants updates about how he's doing at home, how could you be less than honest? and would wife want you to lie?

    When my son came home a month ago, I made it very clear to him that it is not possible for his PO to know everything that's going on here or if he really comes home on time. However, PO will know everything because I will tell him. I'm not doing my son any favors by allowing him to break laws or the rules of his consent decree (similar to probation). He must believe me because, knock on wood, he's doing everything he should be.

    McWeedy is making his choices. He knows what's expected of him and he's choosing not to comply. If you don't want to make the call to his diversion officer and if McWeedy is not complying then he's bound to get caught sooner or later.

    I also like mustang's idea to "wish" someone would call...
     
  14. PonyGirl

    PonyGirl Warrior Parent

    Thanks for the update, Mikey, sure wish it was better news.

    Easy for me to say, and much harder for you to do, but I just gotta say it anyway: You CAN get off the ride. Time to go back to Detachment 101. Take your ball and go home.

    Surrender and Acceptance are key.

    STOP looking at yourself as the victim.

    Just my humble opinion, and as I said above, I know it's much easier for me to say than for you to do. Don't mean to come off as uncaring or harsh, just trying to give you a nudge.

    Peace
     
  15. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Not surprised about the booze. My daughter drank too and we didn't have a clue. She always said, "Booze makes me sick. I won't drink." Now she tells me just how much she drank--drugs and drinking go together like soap and sandwich.
    Frankly, even if your son goes to rehab, without the right attitude, it won't help him. Rehab can't force anyone to quit using. They have to have the mindset to do it, then they will and they'll do it on their own. I understand why you want your son to go to Rehab--trust me I do--but I don't think it will help him. He has a big attitude problem right now and he isn't motivated to quit. And it's not easy to go straight. You literally have to be willing to give up the majority of your friends and learn new ways to cope with stress. My daughter's biggest complaint, now that she is straight, is that she doesn't have enough friends and is shy at parties (the "stuff" gave her courage she no longer has).
    I understand why you want to stay for your daughter. If you do, and don't believe you could get custody of her or that your daughter will leave, the only thing I can suggest is detaching, even while you live there. You can't make wife kick out son, which I think is the best solution for him. Without his cushy life, where would he get the money or time to booze it up or use drugs? But she won't and you won't go against her, so I'd give up monitoring son's every move. He's going to end up in jail, and then he'll be out of the house. Your son is on the self-destructive path my daughter took. Even getting arrested twice didn't stop daughter from using her drugs. Nope. She didn't stop until she wanted to stop. And even though she's twenty-three and stopped at twenty, every day I worry that she'll start using again. When I know she's under stress (and she stresses easily) I call her every single day and talk to her, hoping that talking helps her wind down. (She lives in Illinois, I'm in Wisconsin and her father is a twit who makes her feel like the tremendous progress she's made in life just isn't enough--and she lives with him). I will always be afraid that something will drive her back to her old ways.
    I wish you luck.
     
  16. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hey Mikey...

    I sure am sorry this is all still going on and so badly. I dont like to advise calling the Probation Officer or whatever he is called but in your case I really think that may be best.

    I have done it before. Actually I have done worse but that is another story.

    What your son is doing is dangerous both to him and to the general public now. You can give a heads up to the authorities without telling your family. They can watch for him and grab him when he is out partying. Yes he will get in trouble but oh well. Better that and alive than dead from DUI.

    Just act shocked as everyone else when he gets picked up.
     
  17. jbrain

    jbrain Member

    Hi Mikey,
    I am coming in late here but want you to know I am thinking of you and that I agree with MWM that you can do something--you can detach even while living in the mess. It is not that you give up, it is that you truly come to the realization that you cannot control anyone else. You will know you have done this when you feel the huge burden of being responsible for what everyone else is doing lift from your shoulders. If nothing else, it can bring some peace of mind.

    I think your mindset is clear from your "rant" about how you have watched so many loved ones succumb to alcohol abuse and no one did anything to stop them. What could anyone do? I think you are still under the delusion that you or someone else (maybe in rehab)can make your son change. No, he has to go down that path alone. He has a bunch of enablers, including wife, but you can't do anything about it.

    I sure hope you can come to a place in your heart where you can find peace--I think the key is to realize you are not in control and to quit struggling so hard against that concept.

    Hugs,
    Jane
     
  18. wakeupcall

    wakeupcall Well-Known Member

    Oh, Mikey, I'm so sorry there are still bumps in the road....no, I mean potholes. What is wrong with children that they cannot see the train wreck before them? I see a lot of my best friend and her husband within you and wife....when their oldest was living at home. (This young man is the bio father to my difficult child.) He is in the pen and has been there for four years (this time). I SO worry about my difficult child, but I also know that with all the interventions in the world, it may not be enough. The only way difficult child and I get along a little better, even at the young age of 12, is I had to detach some. I get so tired of war at home...and I know you do, too. We mothers are a protective group and I'm so very sorry for wife as I know she's watching her little boy self-destruct and she feels helpless. Only by tiptoeing in your own home may you be able to live together for now. It may get worse before it gets better.....
     
  19. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    What would happen if you dished out a little McWeedy Mania to wife? You know, come and go as you please. Go into your room and shut and locked the door? Stay with a family member overnight without saying anything (just so you have proof that there's no hanky panky stuff)? Ignore your cell?

    I say this with tongue in cheek, but they've all got you over the "guilt" battle. I say this with deep respect, but I think I would walk. Not far: rent a room, something and let Dancer know that it is breaking your heart to have to do this, but until MOM decides that she can work with you, it is torturous to watch McWeedy's demise. Explain to her all of the pain you've suffered in your life.

    If wife won't go to marriage counseling, you and Dancer need to be seeing a therapist together because she needs to see your point of view.

    in my humble opinion, she's going to be someone's doormat if a few years if she keeps being exposed to all of this!

    I pray I don't offend! I'm a child of alcoholism as well, and this type of cr@p really drives me to the brink!

    Beth
     
  20. Ephchap

    Ephchap Active Member

    Mikey,

    I also worry about Dancer. My daughter was abought her same age when we were going through he## with my son and his drugging. Keeping my difficult child at home and having my daughter there too was just not an option. I would not allow him to stay there because of her. It was another of those lines in the sand to me.

    Sending supportive hugs,
    Deb
     
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