Mind if I kvetch a little?

[hearts and roses]

Loco sister and I had a meeting at the nursing home today. When I texted her about the appointment last week, she never responded and I didn't think twice about it because I knew she received the text. So she shows up today and as per usual, she has those facial expressions and makes these comments that come across as condescending and it just DRIVES ME NUTS.

The lead social worker begins the meeting by addressing my mom (first time she's attended a meeting on her behalf with us) and asking her if there is anything she'd like to comment on, such as if she's happy, likes the food, staff, etc. Mom responds that she is fine (mom can sniff a person with a psychology background a mile away!). Then she turns to loco sister and asks her if she'd like to comment on anything and loco sister says, snidely, "I think you should start with H&R" and all eyes are on me.

I like the home where my mom is, I go frequently and I know the staff very well. I bring my mom lunch and dinner frequently, I give her beauty days and always if there are other ladies around I will include them as well. I have a soft spot for a couple of the little ladies there, but I don't like to invade their personal space and get too touchy feely with them. Anyway, the only thing about the home is that I want my mom to have a window bed. She has to have a roommate and hers is a GIANT pill, S. S has the window bed. Mentally she's all there, physically not at all. She's in chronic pain and as a chronic pain sufferer I get that she has bad days. She is nice and I always chit chat with her when I'm there, but I'm visiting my mom. I have nothing against S personally, but she's sometimes mean about the shows my mom watches. S watches cartoons, news and sports all the time. Mom watches the old movies and talk shows. you can just imagine the clash of tv sounds going on, especially since S is hearing impaired and has speakers above her bed blasting. Thankfully, my has her tv set for closed captions and doesn't mind reading the lines, ugh. My beef with S is that she keeps the blinds in the room closed, and the curtain between my mom's bed and S's bed drawn as well, so my mom almost never gets any natural light!! It's often very dark and dingy when I arrive and I have to turn on lights or ask S if I can pull up the blinds to let some light into the room. Mom ALWAYS asks me, "What kind of day is it out?" which just burns me up.

My mom has always been a sun worshipper and loved being outdoors. She loves open windows, sunshine and fresh air. Every summer, she would remove the windows and leave up only the screens - constant fresh air. She used to come home on her lunch hour to jump in the pool and lay on a lounge chair for a measly 20 minutes every weekday. She is often depressed and down and I think a room change or bed change would do her good. I have requested a window bed for my mom since she's arrived at this home (Nov 2010) and every time this comes up at the care meeting (like the one we attended today) my sister does not back me up. She either says, "Jo has a problem with her room, but I think she's fine" as if I am just being a complainer. Three times I have asked and the last two times my sister has made a comment like that. Today, her way of saying that was by giving me the floor at the start of the meeting. I went with it and directed my comments about the room to the woman I spoke with while also adding in there that I wouldn't want to change floors as we love the staff where mom resides now. Grrr.

Then loco sister finally makes her comments and goes on about how she loves visiting mom and S and how S is so cool because she watches sports (sister likes sports) and then said a comment that really drove me nuts: "Well, Jo brings my mom healthy snacks, but I bring her entire meals. And when we, my husband and daughters visit, we actually spend a lot of time with mom, playing games and making sure she's sharpening her skills, etc"....

Hmmmmmmmmm, guess what?? I bring mom meals ALL THE TIME. Usually twice a week and always homemade, something I know she can have, (but I don't have to brag about it - the staff sees me doing this all the time). Sister brings her soup from Panera (loaded with fat and salt!). And we also spend lots of time with her playing games, watching shows or giving her beauty treatments. I felt like she was going out of her way to one up me and I have to say, I was very offended by that. I didn't realize we were in a contest. I always just thought there were things she felt were important and things I felt were important. I didn't realize that she was trying to outdo me. That's not me, I don't do that. When I talk about the ways in which we care for our mom, I always say "WE" not I or ME. We are a family, caring for OUR mom. I just wanted to run out of there.

At the end of the meeting, the SW asked my mom directly if she would like a bed with a window and, thankfully, mom was clear and said, "That would be very nice, oh yes, I would enjoy that a lot" - so it's crystal clear at least that my mom wants a bed with a damned window and maybe now loco sister won't try to undermine me in that regard.

Jeez, I hate this and just needed to get it off my chest. As I was pulling away I had a fleeting thought that after my mom dies I won't have to ever see my sister unless absolutely necessary. How horrible is that?? And just a reminder, this is the sister whose H I work for and we live in the same town. Just kill me.

Just wanted to add that I don't even know if she means it, it might just be her way. But it's hard to believe that when you're in the room with her.

 

[keista]

Just wanted to add that I don't even know if she means it, it might just be her way. But it's hard to believe that when you're in the room with her.

You know what I've been doing lately? I've been assuming EVERYONE is an Aspie. IOW they just can't help being rude or having diarrhea of the mouth. It's not their fault, their intention is not rudeness, they are, in fact, "just saying" Believe it or not, just changing my own perspective helps a lot. Things don't get to me because I don't take it personally - it's their shortcoming.

However, when it comes to my sister (who I believe is an Aspie) it's still really tough, so ((((HUGS)))) and congrats for making it through that meeting without any collateral damage!.

 

[AnnieO]

Umm... Wait, is this the sis who is mom to the difficult child niece...?

I hope the SW talks to the staff, too - because they know. They know.

 

[hearts and roses]

Umm... Wait, is this the sis who is mom to the difficult child niece...?

Nope that is an EX sister in law whose daughter would be my EX niece (but who says that?) and she is a difficult child. LOL. No, this sister has a major difficult child adult son.

 

[InsaneCdn]

I don't keep history in my head... and there's obviously a LOT more to the picture.

But... a LOT of people have major problems dealing with anyone in a nursing home. In some ways, it means facing your own future mortality, and they don't want to go there. Even people who are normally "nice" can do all sorts of strange things in that setting. And... if it's a person who has other problems anyway, a nursing home setting definitely highlights issues.

Way To Go, though... on standing up for your Mom.
Nursing homes are not always thoughtful on who they place together... the best ones don't put a normal-hearing person in with a hard-of-hearing... nor a "dark lover" with a "lighit lover". SOME basic compatibility is necessary... And the only way these folks in a nursing home get what they should have is if there is family involved who care enough to be there regular, and to speak up.

 

[hearts and roses]

Yes, IC, you're correct - unless a resident has family to advocate for them, they are the ones who inevitably end up being moved from room to room to accomodate others OR end up with HORRID roommates. There is this one lady who I just absolutely love...can't understand a thing she is saying most of the time, but she's just lovely and her eyes speak for her. I don't know why, but she has stolen my heart. I always visit her when I visit my mom and often she joins us for Sunday morning coffee and the times in the family room. Anyway, she has no family whatsoever - I think a nephew who lives in OH or somewhere far from here. Since my mom's been there, I've never seen her have a visitor. They recently moved her to a room on another wing with all new (to her) staff at the far end of the hall. She keeps ending up back on Wing A where her old room and staff are. She just loves to look out the window, she's so sweet and has this crazy thick head of white hair, lol with big blue eyes. I actually said something to the SW about moving her like that - she'd been in that room for almost 5 years! She was so confused when they moved her and when I asked her about it, she was actually really mad!

So, yes, thank goodness my mom at least has a family that will speak up for her.

 

[buddy]

I wonder if they asked S if she would want to change too? She closes the blinds maybe she hates all that daylight, sunshine dung. LOL. anyway, would be really nice if your mom could just move to a window and get a nice new room-mate too.

You did great, got some heaven points as my grandma used to say, haha.

 

[Star*]

Well I hate to ask the unobvious, but myself being an only child except for my sister? I'll ask anyway since our relationships seem to draw such a parallel in love/hate. With the exception of my sister is an Aspie, genius, and words that I can't type here on the board -well I could but who wants to spend the day with a bar of Lava in their mouth and their nose in the corner?

Do you suppose your sister is trying to make herself look like she cares more than she does to your Mom so that maybe a will could be changed or persuaded to BE changed? This is the ONLY reason my sister has tried to be the slightest bit nice in the last few months. And my Mother just laughs. I told Mom to give it all to her - THAT ---WOULD be a shocker to her. The only thing I want will be gone when she's gone. The rest is all my sister ever wanted anyway - I said she should have it. At least if she DID get it - she'd leave me the H alone after Mom is gone. IF she doesn't get it? She's going to hound me to death until she gets what she THINKS she should have anyway. Mom thinks that is hysterical - based on the last 20 years of treatment shes gotten from my sister and especially the last 19 years of treatment from her daughter - the granddaughter.

You treat your Mother with love, respect and kindness for NO particular reasons HNR. Other than you love her. I wouldn't worry about WHAT or WHY your sister is doing what she does. In the scheme of things her thoughts and her deeds count for about () much in your Moms mind because your Mother raised you both, she knows your hearts better than anyone....and despite her age - her mind is SHARP - it's just her body you said that is failing. Don't discount her awareness and abilities to still sort fact from **** - just because she is where she is. You're sister is not fooling her at all - and she's MOST CERTAINLY not fooling anyone else at that nursing home. They see the end of times (so to speak) bs all the time. Probably better sorters than anyone.

You're a good daughter.......I wouldn't let B.C. (Big Crazy) bother me one bit. Hand her an Emmy and be done with her comedy and tragedy of a play. She's not fooling anyone.

 

[hearts and roses]

Star, your post made me crack up...my mom is basically considered indigent at this point...she has no will, no property and no money reserves. All her income goes directly to the nursing home, less $66 for personal expenses, which is basically her hair care. We pay for everything else. Loco sister is not vying for monetary gains (she's got plenty herself), she just wants everyone to think she's pure and wonderful. She sat there and literally said out loud, "I'm grateful" in regards to our mom being at the nursing home and so close. Which in all honesty, I'm glad for that as well, but it just came out of her mouth in such a practiced way.

Loco sister is very smart, book smart, and has an extensive vocabulary and when someone is studying something she doesn't know much about, she studies it, learns it until she feels confident that she is the grand authority on the topic. With her own spin, of course. I suppose she could have a touch of Aspie, I personally think most of us do in our own way. My therapist once told me that she had narcissistic personality disorder and, based on my own experiences with her, I agree. I try not to let it get under my skin and most of the time I'm successful. However, there are times when I just can't stand it and it drives me bonkers. She comes across as this self righteous know it all, condescending, judgmental b***h that, grrrrr. Today is a new day, thank God.

 

[keista]

Loco sister is very smart, book smart, and has an extensive vocabulary and when someone is studying something she doesn't know much about, she studies it, learns it until she feels confident that she is the grand authority on the topic. With her own spin, of course.

in my opinion a narcissist would never work that hard.

 

[Tiapet]

I'm sorry your sis is being a butt head like that. I agree what someone said about your mom knowing at heart who is who and in the end how your each being for real. I'm glad that you actually care and can see the things that matter and can stand up for it. Someone has to. All too often, no, no one does.

You do what you have to and what makes YOU feel good. To heck with sis!

 

[hearts and roses]

I witnessed something my loco sister said on another sister's facebook post and it is what she does all the time. I found comfort in that because I am reminded that it's not only me she does this to, Know what I mean?? Because I am the only one who lives near her, I can easily take things she does and says personally and forget that she does this with all of us, not ONLY me.

H always reminds me that my sisters three favorite topics are "Me, Myself, and I" and he's completely 100% correct! LOL.