Mini vent

[flutterbee]

It's been obvious since I told my mom that I'm going to my grandmother's for a couple of days of respite for ME, that she's been against it. First, she was concerned about the dogs. Then she asked if I could take Wynter with me (kinda defeats the purpose). Then she wanted me to go over the weekend - leaving Friday night. That would make it harder for me to leave Wynter. Besides, she had school work to catch up on and I need to be here for that. She's concerned about Devon getting to school on time. He's 17. He's a big boy. He wasn't making it on time with me here, so I'm not sure why me not being here would make a difference. (By the way, that SAP - Suspension Alternative Program - was a joke. Started 30 minutes later than school, got done 30 minutes earlier than school lets out and they drove around all day delivering plaques. Yeah, that's going to deter him. And there were kids there that were there for their 3rd or 4th time so it's not like it's a one shot deal.)

Now, since I'm not feeling good she doesn't think I should go. "If you get up there and aren't feeling well, then you're stuck and it's just going to be a mess." If I get up there and don't feel like I can drive home, Devon and his girlfriend can come get me. It's not that far. Only 15 minutes more than the drive to my mom's house (other direction, though), which she doesn't think is a big deal at all - going to her house, that is.

I'm not supposed to sleep when my body needs it. I'm not supposed to sleep when medications make it impossible not to. In fact, I'm supposed to stop taking those medications even when they're working. I'm not supposed to give Wynter an inch, but AM supposed to give Devon a mile. I'm not supposed to NEED a break from my kids, my life. And (probably) mostly, I'm not supposed to go to my grandmother's. by the way, she's not offering to take Wynter for a few days so I can get a break. Why not? Because she doesn't want her. So, I have no choice but to leave if I want a break. Let me rephrase that: Need a break.

There is so much history to this stuff. It's really ticking me off. Really.

 

[Star*]

WHY does her opinion matter so much to you when it doesn't seem it's supportive OF you?

I vote over the river and through the woods kid - in a jet if you can get one.

 

[Jena]

Yes I say take the trip and go, you have had it planned and you do NEED it. So, it's time to take care of you. Don't let the rest of it upset you, it's not worth your energy at this point. Your right if you need to be picked up the kids can get you.

 

[flutterbee]

Her opinion on these things don't matter. I have full intention to carry out my plans as intended. I'm just tired of hearing it. I'm tired of her thinking it's ok for her to do it. I frequently ask her how many times are we going to have X conversation.

Today, when she said that I shouldn't go to my grandmother's, I said, "You really just don't want me to go, do you?", because she hasn't come right out and said it - she's said everything but that. She didn't know how to answer that so came back with she's just worried that I'll get up there and get stuck, it'll be a mess, blah, blah, blah.

 

[mstang67chic]

WHY does her opinion matter so much to you when it doesn't seem it's supportive OF you?

I vote over the river and through the woods kid - in a jet if you can get one.

Most definately. Mom needs a sock stuffed in it.

WHERE said sock is stuffed.....that's up to you.


Yeah, yeah....off to the corner I go.

 

[flutterbee]

O. M. G.

My daughter and my mother are reading out of the same playbook. My daughter says to me, "First my dad leaves and now you are."

Ok. Her dad has been out of her life for 10 years. Yeah, it svcks and, yeah, it hurts and, yeah, he's a jerk. But, I'm leaving her??????? I *really* don't do the victim game.

Um, no Wynter, I'm going to my grandmother's for TWO days. I'm coming back. If I was leaving you, I wouldn't come back (although, there was that little thought in the back of my head...don't tempt me).

Wynter: Parents don't just leave their kids.
Me: I'm not leaving you. I'm going away for TWO days. You'll stay with L. Besides, parents DO go away WITHOUT their kids all the time.
Wynter: How do you know?



I'm commandeering a bus and heading to Belize. Who needs a ride?

 

[mrscatinthehat]

Belize here we go.

I think mom needs to only "help" with what is asked for. I know how very well it is to draw that line in the sand and stick with it. I needed help from my mom a lot at one time and I didn't have the strength to stand my ground because I was afraid the help I did need would go away.

And as for Wynter a big dose of get over your teenage self needs to happen.

I am not trying to offend you. The entiltement factor for both of them is huge where you are concerned. I think those couple of days at grandma's house are a great idea.

Hugs
beth

 

[Stella Johnson]

Yep, you need a break. Don't listen to your mother. Sounds like you need to draw a line in the sand with her. A mess if you get stuck? Give me a break.
If my difficult child's grandparents hadn't taken my difficult child for weekends occassionally I would have had a major breakdown. Single parenting is rough and everyone needs a break.

Steph

 

[Ropefree]

I need a time out. Tell your daughter is not about her, I just need some down time.

And then plan a regular schedule where you get some every month.
Says ME! The last 'break' I had was six years ago for three days.! When I said so out loud I was offered a date at a fancy hotel and I said "NO!" The last thing I wanted was to have to give my attention to anyone. I read myself into a stupor and I slept until I WANTED to wake up! HA!
Have a lovely time, and give your mother a hug and a kiss befor you go.!

 

[Hound dog]

Heather.......you need a break, some downtime to rest and relax. You deserve a break. Ignore your Mom. I think she's just scared to death you'll place Wynter into her care while you're away. She'll get over it. Wynter will get over the simple fact that you're allowed some down time away from her.

I hope you have the type grandma that can spoil you a bit while you visit.

Sorry about not returning your call yet. Nichole didn't let me know about it until very late last night and today was totally bonkers around here. When you're up tomorrow you can give me a call, I can't talk too long, but I swear I'm not trying to ignore you.

((hugs))

 

[meowbunny]

Tell your mother if she is concerned about Devon getting to school on time, etc., she can stay at your place while you go but you're going, end of conversation. Remind Wynter she doesn't get to dictate your life. Parents are entitled to breaks, too. Period.

I'm not sure who I want to shake more right now -- your mother, Wynter or you. Okay, I won't shake you because I'm afraid I'd hurt you but you need to stop bending over backwards for everyone else. It really is time to put you first. Yes, I know you're a single mother but it is time to understand that your plane is not doing too well right now and you need to put the oxygen mask on first.

If that oxygen mask is a few days at your grandmother's, then you do it. You tell everyone there will be no conversations about it. The decision is made.

Personally, I think you need more than just a few days. Wynter is at an age that is tiring at best and, right now, it is anything but at best levels. I know she has high anxiety but I really think it is past time for her to get into regular sleep patterns and go back to school. She needs the socialization. She needs to understand she is not an adult and it really is up to you make the decisions and, unless you specifically ask, her input is neither needed nor acceptable. You need the break school and school activities give her. This being with her 24/7 is causing too much havoc for you physically and mentally and I'm not all that convinced it is good for you.

Heather, we all care for you. Your health is deteriorating. Your stress levels have increased expotentially. Devon is being a teen. Wynter is being a brat (sorry, but she is). If you can, schedule at least two days with your grandmother every month. At the very least, schedule a play date with a friend at least monthly, preferably weekly. You need and deserve every break you can get. In the most loving way possible, I'm trying to tell you to get a life.

 

[flutterbee]

My mom is in California til Monday morning, so she's not at all worried that Wynter will end up there. She's always had issues if I leave the kids. The only other time I did was in 2002 when I left them with her while I went on vacation with my then-boyfriend for 4 days, but she didn't even like me dating. It was ok if the kids went to her house because they wanted to, but if I wanted them to, it was wrong. You know, the whole reason Devon was so severely depressed is because I was dating. Just ask my mom. Just because it started several months before I started dating that guy and my mom was in denial..... Of course, my mom DID leave my brother behind when she remarried and moved out of state. But, that would be totally different.

I did tell Wynter that everything is not about her and that this is about ME. That's when she threw in the "my dad left me" bit. Uh huh. Do I have "Stoo-pid" written on my forehead???

I'm not bending over backwards for anyone. My plans haven't changed a bit since I made them. I haven't budged a bit. I'm just tired of hearing complaints about it from all sides...except for Devon. He's the only one not complaining and it's actually going to impact him most. He even offered - without being asked - to drive me there after he gets off work if I need him to. (And, no, he won't be planning any parties. He's not like that.)

 

[flutterbee]

And, MB...I don't need a life. I have you guys.

Honestly, there's too much drama around me. I just try to avoid it as much as possible. Still working on that invisibility super power. One day I'll master it.

Lisa, yes my grandmother will spoil me. She already called today and asked what I wanted to eat while I was there.

 

[totoro]

Just smile and wave as you are leaving. Put the ear plugs in if you need to. You go and please rest.
You do deserve it, despite what the rest of them think!

 

[maril]

Feel assured that you are doing the right thing. I am having a little break myself this weekend from our eventful lives. difficult child is at a relative's home and husband left for a hunting trip; daughter lives away from home. I cannot remember too many times in the last 23 years where it has just been me, all by myself, not "responsible" for anyone else; I sure could get used to this. It is just ... peaceful ... and my brain can finally slow down a bit. I actually even enjoyed Christmas shopping today (not usual for me). I was able to focus on something else besides my son.

Anyway, keep us posted. I truly hope you get a little R&R. Your family will do fine. Oh, and I bet your grandmother will really enjoy your company, too.

The suggestion about getting away once a month - that was a good one!

 

[susiestar]

I am glad you haven't budged on your plans. You DO need to make some CLEAR boundaries with your mother. You can start by hanging up the phone or leaving the room EVERY time she makes ANY of her non-supportive comments. LEt her know, once, that she can either be totally supportive or silent on these topics. IF you are at her house and she starts on you, take the kids and LEAVE. EVEN if the kids want to stay. It is NOT acceptable for her to be this damaging to you.

As for Wynter, don't you miss the days of "seen and not heard"? I think leaving the room when she starts the " now you are leaving me" manipulation is a good idea.

Most of all, with your health you need to concentrate on getting better. I am glad your Gma will spoil you - you deserve it. She might have some interesting insights on how to handle your mother also.

Hugs,

Susie

 

[flutterbee]

Susie - I had to about the comment on getting helping from my grandmother on handling my mom. This is my dad's mom and she is a HUGE difficult child in her own right. Plus, she has always hated my mom (the feeling is mutual). No one has ever been good enough for her precious boys. You know - the alcohol, drug addicted boys of hers. I have to employ the same tactics on her as I do my mom. The difference is, she seems to understand better that I won't tolerate it. I made sure she knew that I didn't want any surprise visits from my dad while I was there. Doesn't mean it won't happen, but she knows it will be bad if it does.

And setting boundaries with my mom? It's taken years to get this far and several times involved severing contact for a time. Since I came out and asked her today why she doesn't want me to go to my grandmother's, I expect I won't hear much more about it. I don't do passive-aggressive. If I've already laid down a boundary and she crosses it, then I'll say I have to go real quick and she gets the idea. But, I always address it in some fashion before I do that. After I address it, I'm not dealing with it anymore and I gotta go.

As bad as this all sounds, my mom and I are close. She just has real issues with boundaries and because of that there are a lot of things I don't tell her. Even the kids know not to tell her - I don't tell them not to, they just don't want to deal with it either. But, because we're close she wants to know everything and if she finds out something that I didn't tell her, she acts all hurt. I like my space, my privacy, I'm not all touchy feely. I don't want to have to talk about or explain everything. And when I've made a decision, I *really* don't like to be questioned about it.

What it boils down to is that she needs to be needed by me. When Devon was 10 and she was in DENIAL about his very severe depression and was just ticked as hell at me for "wanting to just medicate his behavior", I had her go to a therapist session with me with Devon's therapist. He just sat back, stunned. At the next appointment he said, she still sees and treats you like a teenager. I just said, 'Yep.'

 

[mstang67chic]

I had her go to a therapist session with me with Devon's therapist. He just sat back, stunned. At the next appointment he said, she still sees and treats you like a teenager. I just said, 'Yep.'

We may be THEIR babies but for the love of all that's shiny....we GREW UP!!!! When husband and I got difficult child, granted we were first time parents. Actually , I was...husband had had a step daughter before and was her main caregiver. But still...we had both been around kids before, I used to watch (and still do) dad and step-mom's kids since BIRTH! But you would have thought I was 10 years old on my first babysitting job the way ALL my parents acted. "You're not disciplining enough", "you're too hard on him", "give him some space", "tighten down on the reins", and of course...."WHY is he on all these medications? He's just being a kid". Uh huh...cause all kids rage, lie constantly and steal anything not nailed down. They all throw chairs in class and cuss out the teachers in the 4th grade. Yep....he was just being a kid afterall. What was I thinking???

Glad you're sticking to your guns. A couple of days may not be long enough but I've done that and it IS a wonderful breather. Enjoy yourself and let Grandma spoil. It's what they (normally) do best!

 

[house of cards]

I think the best way to handle this is to go and have a wonderful time, come home and talk about how great it was for you to get some time away and how you plan on doing it more regularly.

 

[flutterbee]

After all this, my trip is being delayed. The rain is turning to ice there. I don't like to drive much anymore as it is. I won't feel safe driving on slippery roads.

After the conversation with my mom this morning, "I don't see the big deal. If you're just going to sleep, you can sleep at home." Ummm...no, wasn't just going to sleep. Was going to get AWAY.

I'm so frustrated.

So, will shoot again for next weekend.