Missing H. more than I thought a soul was capable

[Steely]

As time goes on, I just miss H. more and more. The ache seems to deepen as time goes on, instead of lessen. It feels so internally deep, that I cannot cry but rather cringe, every time the feeling rises to my conscious. So often I just feel as if I cannot live one more day without her, rather than grieving her loss.
I am functioning in work, but on my days off I am bombarded with memories of her life.
Every second in my life that I deem worth pondering, I want to call her.
I still am in shock, and cannot fathom the gravity of her death. I just do not even know how to be normal anymore. Normal is just a pretend world, where I say what people want, not what I feel.

I just want her back. I cannot wrap my brain around the fact that she will never be back. Not in the physical sense, at least. I talk to her all of the time - but I need/want her tangibly in my life. I cannot freaking believe she is gone, forever.

 

[Suz]

Steely, when someone passes away we usually know why. It was an illness or an accident, or maybe even something violent. But at least we know, even if we don't want to.

In your case, you don't know why. Or even really, how. The shock, confusion, and horror has to be palpable. Add to the fact that you had run-ins with your own family during this incredibly stressful time has to compound everything else.

My heart goes out to you. This will be a very long road to recovery.

Hugs,
Suz

 

[tiredmommy]

{{{Steely}}}

Thank you for posting this though I'm sorry for your pain.

It's been three years today since my father died. I had a few sad moments throughout the day and burst into tears less than an hour ago when I put in a movie and saw an actor who was/is the spitting image of Dad.

Though my grief has dulled significantly I'm still shocked by the ferocity of my feelings.

I hope you can take consolation in the knowledge that while your pain is yours alone, you aren't alone in your suffering.

We're all in this together.

{{{Hugs}}}

 

[Hound dog]

(((((Steely))))))

 

[Abbey]

Steely, one thing you can cherish is the relationship you had with your sis. Many of us don't have those memories.

Hugs to you, dear.

Abbey

 

[DammitJanet]

I have no idea if this will help or hurt because I havent been through what you have but take my suggestion for what its worth...Im reaching out my heartfelt wishes to console you.

Do you have pictures of you and H throughout your growing up years that you could scan onto the computer and then work on a webpage when you are feeling this way? You could take your physical grief and turn it into something to memorialize her. You can get quite creative and add music. Take as much time as you need to make it something that is very special to you. No one else has to ever see it if you dont want them to but you may well want to share it when you get it done. You can even blog on it.

It is just a thought.

 

[VickiL]

Steely,

I just wanted you to know I am thinking of you. I cannot begin to imagine what you are going through. Your sister was taken from you in such a horrific way,that to me, your grief must be immeasurable.

I lost my dad 15 years ago this August and while the sharp, intense pain is gone, the longing to pick up the phone and call him is still there and there are days that I have to remind myself he's gone. I cry every year on Father's Day, his birthday and on the day he died (one week after his birthday). But I also smile now at the wonderful memories I had made with him for the 35 years he was my dad.

I don't have any wise words of wisdom. We each grieve differently. I do like Janet's idea of putting together a web page or journal that you can go to and express your feelings and she's right...no one else need see it.

I really just wanted you to know that you are not alone. I think I can safely say, we are all here for you.

Vicki

 

[TerryJ2]

Oh, Steely. I'm so sorry. {{{hugs}}}
It's going to take a long time so give yourself time and space. I'm glad you are posting here. I cannot imagine what it would be like to lose a sister and friend like that.
I wish I could take away your heavy burden, but just know that time DOES help, as does reaching out and communicating with-others.

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

Sweetheart,

I am so sorry for your hurting heart.

My brother in law died in Oct of 99. I still miss him. And I didn't grow up with him or anything; he was Matt's brother who I was close with. I laminated a picture of him and it is clipped to the visor of my car. It's all sun faded but it is thill there almost 9 years later. I talk to him all the time.

The pain DOES get better. It hurts an awful lot right now, but it will not always hurt this way. Of course you will always miss her, but in time, it won't be as painful.

Cry your tears. Vent your anger. You must have some. Vent it here, punch a pillow, go out in the woods and scream. Get it all out. And don't think that you are taking more time than you should. Everybody grieves differently.

I wish I could take all your pain away.

 

[witzend]

I think that Janet's idea of a memorial page is a really good idea. Maybe you could make contact with some of her friends and co-workers who would like to contribute, and would be interested in working through their grief, too.

I ran across this old poem the other day, and it made me think of you. I hadn't wanted to send it or post it because I didn't want to open up your wounds, and thought there might be a more appropriate time.

"...though the radiance which was once so bright be now forever taken from my sight. Though nothing can bring back the hour of splendor in the grass, glory in the flower. We will grieve not, rather find strength in what remains behind."

William Wordsworth

{{{{{{{Big Hugs}}}}}}}}}

 

[timer lady]

Sweetie,

All I can offer you is gentle (((hugs))). You had a wonderful relationship with your sister ~ cherish that. With time the hurt may pass & you will find yourself being able to share the good times (& the bad) about your sister with others.

In the meantime, let those feelings of sadness out; if nothing else we are all hear to listen.

 

[4sumrzn]

Many heartfelt thoughts & ideas have been mentioned. I can't imagine how you are feeling, I can only say how very sorry I am you are hurting so badly. I know it takes time......lots & lots of time. Many {{{hugs}}}.

 

[tryinghard]

No words of wisdom...just sending you my support.

 

[hearts and roses]

{{Steely}} I cannot begin to know the pain you're in. Whenever I see your posts or icon within other posts, I always lift you up and pray that your heart is hurting a little less.

Letting go of someone doesn't mean forgetting them. Honor your sister's life and memories as close to your heart as you can. The healing has already begun and will take a while. Hugs~

 

[Steely]

Thank you guys.
Witz that poem was amazing. I am going to print it and keep it.
BBK, the one place I want to talk to H the most is in the car. Maybe I will put a picture of her on the visor. Good idea.
Janet, I love the web photo/blog idea. I am going to do something like that, soon. I need a way to celebrate her life, continually - but at the present I can barely even look at one picture without losing it. Instead I just feel like there is a big rock on my chest, and it just keeps getting heavier. Maybe the boulder on my heart will be there until I am able to find an outlet to celebrate our memories, and keep her alive. I don't know.

Usually I am plagued by horrific nightmares - but her death seems even too much for my subconscious to handle, and I have not had but just a couple of dreams about her death. I find that interesting, actually, as it suggests the level of grief is so deep, that even in my sub-conscious, it cannot be articulated. Or maybe it is that the message has not even reached my sub-conscious because I awake every morning thinking to myself that I need to call her - only to remember she is gone. And than the next thing I think is "but there is no way I can live without her". And then I remember I have been, and so I can.

I talked to my parents last weekend. You know my dad has the same cancer as Sen Kennedy was just diagnosis with - and yet he has had a pretty miraculous battle, and is still tumor free after a year, which everyone said was impossible. None the less, he told me mom that he wished he would have died first. It made me very sad.

We all 3 talked for hours about H., and how we are each dealing with it - I offered to my dad some ways that I deal with it spiritually like believing she is with me all of the time, and talking to her. That was/is such a foreign concept to him (he is a scientist), but yet for the first time I think he opened his mind to the possibility of a life beyond his comprehension.

My mom is so so sad, but she is the one that has gotten stuck with all the legal stuff of H. death. I worry about her. I have offered to help with all the legal ramifications, but I think she wants this as a distraction to what is happening. Her Mom died about 9 months ago, so she has been selling her mom's house, and estate, etc., and now H.'s stuff.

Well, I guess I will stop rambling. I have to work from 3pm-10 today
What a crummy schedule. Oh, well. I guess I will go mow the lawn in the 96 degree weather, sweat, cry - and then pull myself together to shower and go to work. It will all be OK.

 

[Abbey]

Sometimes going to work is a blessing in disguise. It forces you to not think about things that are troubling you.

Abbey

 

[TerryJ2]

Steely, that's actually very encouraging to hear about you talking with-your parents like that. I think you've all come a long way. I am impressed and relieved, just from my end of things.
I don't see any conflict between pretending that your sister is still there in your mind, as long as it doesn't interfere with-your real activities, and I don't see why, if it helps, you can't think that way. My f-i-l was a hard core computer scientist and atheist, and after his wife, (my m-i-l) died, he did the same thing. I thought it was quite amusing because it kind of flew in the face of his atheism, but it wasn't like he didn't know the difference. After a awhile it faded and he learned to deal with-the ache in his heart.
That's so sad, what your dad said about going first. He is grieving, too. Parents shouldn't outlive their children. Stick together. {{hugs}}

 

[klmno]

Steely, I am so sorry that I am just now answering this post. I'm glad to see others who have offered so much support though. You are still in my thoughts and I want to send many cyber-hugs your way.

I loved that poem, too! And I think Janet's idea is great. There may be sometimes that you find that too painful of a project to pursue, but then there might be times when it is comforting. So, if you start and stop on it for a year, who cares- it can be YOUR project.

Your pain must be horrible many times- I do think you are healing, though. I'm sure there are days or even minutes when you don't see that because of all the pain you still feel. But you are doing ok and hanging in there and that is the main thing.

My dad die when I was 5 and my step-dad died when I was 16. I still cry over both of them at different times. But, I felt I knew my step-dad so well that I still talk to him and think I know what he would say to me, so I try to find strength and comfort in the words that I believe he would say. And, I try to do things in my life that I think he would do. This makes me feel like his spirit will live on. And, I try really hard to thank God for the time I had him in my life, instead of only grieving because he couldn't be here to share so many more years and be a part of my son's life.

You are working through all this. The tears are just going to come sometimes, so I am glad that you post and share them and let us support you as much as we are able- albeit some of us might be a little late about it sometimes-

 

[amazeofgrace]

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<hugs>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> and prayers ><>

 

[DammitJanet]

Steely...

I wasnt aware exactly what type of cancer your father had...or maybe I just hadnt paid that much attention...sometimes I miss details. My grandmother had the same cancer. She lived for approximately 2 and a half years after her diagnosis but she was 86 years old when she died. She ended up having some formidable dementia arising from the tumor in her brain and the doctors gave us the option of surgery but there was no guarantee of quality of life increasing so we opted out of that. She died peacefully in my moms home.

Lord...that was a long time ago...1988...20 years ago now. Bet you didnt want to know this but I still have the woman on my bookcase...I inherited her when I got my mom...lmao!