missing my boy

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by praying for peace, May 4, 2009.

  1. praying for peace

    praying for peace New Member

    My son is 19 he moved out a month ago. We told him he could not smoke pot in his room. He said he could not live here under that rule so he chose to leave. He has been angry and depressed for about a year. He is emotionally abusive and curses at us on a regular basis. He lives close by and calls when he wants money or food. He gets angry when do not give it to him. We are so torn between wanting to be supportive and hating his choices and wanting to not help at all. He smokes to self medicate. I guess I am writing because I miss the way it was when he was little. Its so hard to decide how to deal with him and his problems. I feel like if we do the true tough love approach he will feel like we do not love him and stray further and get deeper into drugs. Any help is appreciated
  2. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Hi PFP, and welcome.

    I'm sending you a high five and :bravo: for being strong enough to carry out what you said you were going to do.

    Don't cave!

    Tough love isn't easy; that's why it's call TOUGH love. He might be angry with you now. Heck, he might hate you now. But he won't be angry with you once he gets his priorities straight.

    Please post a signature. Here's a link that tells you how.


    Take a look around. Read our posts. Read our archives. Get to know us by what we've said. You are in great company here.

  3. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Welcome to our group. You are not alone. Many of us struggle with tough love. The truth of your situation is that your son has been very honest with you. He can not live with your rules. You are doing very well to not give in to him. When we keep trying to fix our kids, we usually make it easier for them to continue doing the things that we don't approve of.

    Reality is that as a general rule, 19 year old dope smokers don't usually have a job or a lot of their own resources. When you give him resources, he will put whatever he has into getting drugs. We give them a place to stay because we worry about them, and what it ends up being is a nice warm place to get high in.

    I know it's hard, but you are doing the right thing. The thought that tough love will make him do more drugs is wrong. Helping them makes them do more drugs because it makes doing drugs easy.

    Good luck.
  4. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hi PFP...welcome to our lil corner of the world!

    I really had to giggle at your second and third sentences. That honestly could have been written about my son. My hard and fast rule of my home are NO POT ALLOWED IN MY HOUSE. I dont much care if that means it is on your person, being smoked or hidden in the house. I dont want it period. If I find it, I destroy it. My son didnt like that rule and he often disobeyed that rule. We fought often over that rule. I heard often that it wasnt fair because I grew up in the 70's and I did it....blah blah blah.

    I kept sticking my fingers in my ears and told him NOT IN MY HOUSE! Finally he moved out. And I told him...do what you want...IN YOUR HOUSE! LOL. I could care less what he does at his house and now...he is respectful of me when I go to his house and wont smoke when I am around or coming over...whats with that? Now he tells all his lil friends that they cant bring stuff over or around or anything like that because his Momma is gonna be around. Hehehe.

    Now he is acting much better because he is out on his own, paying his own bills, worrying about his own life and doing his own thing.

    It does get better.
  5. praying for peace

    praying for peace New Member

    Thank you for the warm welcome! I know in my heart I can not allow drug use in my home. I have to come to terms with the fact that my son has to realize on his own that he he has to take care of himself and stop doing drugs. When we first found out he was smoking pot in his room alone late at night and when he had friends over we ignored it. He is very manipulative and tried convincing us that it is safer for him to smoke pot at home. He wanted us to believe he wouldnt get caught this way and he would not be out driving around. We were sick over the fact that we allowed it for a short time. We knew in our hearts it was wrong. We are confident that we are doing the right thing.

    The manipulation and emotional and verbal abuse was upsetting the dynamics of the whole family. I worry that if he really is using the pot to self medicate as he says he is then he will become dependent on it.

    I feel so bad that my son is in such a low place with his depression. I wish I could help him but I guess it is up to him to realize he needs help. Thanks so much for listening.
  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I don't know for sure, but there's an excellent chance that your son is doing more than just pot, especially if he has been just allowing himself to deteriorate. My daughter was that way, and the best thing we ever did was to make her leave. There was no way she was going to use drugs and get worse with our help.

    When the cops would come to our house looking for our daughter, they made it clear that, although they weren't going to do this to us, WE could be in trouble for drugs if it is in our house. That included the paraphernalia. I had two younger kids who didn't need to see her behavior. They needed to see our disapproval of it.

    She is doing fine on her own now. It has been almost seven years. Today she and her boyfriend just closed on their first home. They don't do drugs anymore. She doesn't even smoke cigarettes. I never gave her a dime. She worked for it. Nobody will quit drugs until they are ready. And there are more acceptable ways to deal with depression than pot, which is a depressant. I have a terrible mood disorder and I tried pot a few times--made me a lot worse.

    Hang tough or you could have him around your neck forever. He knows EXACTLY what this is doing to you and he's trying to make you feel guilty so you'll give him easy money (probably to get more drugs.) Since he is blatantly going to keep smoking pot, I would blatantly allow him to hit rock bottom or just support himself. He's not that little boy anymore, although I know how you have those memories--I did too. The fact is, he's an adult and not making good choices, just like my daughter didn't. I had to let her see for herself or she may never have decided to quit.
  7. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    It is your house. They are your rules. He has to live by your rules to live in your house. If he chooses to move out, he is on his own. Do not give him money. If you feel the need to do something, then go to the grocery store, buy some groceries---bread, peanut butter, juice---and give that to him. When you don't follow the rules of any house, even if it's not your parents, you are evicted. He will learn if you stick by your rules. If you don't, he will learn that the rules don't apply to him.
  8. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Welcome :)

    You're doing the right thing, the right way. Way To Go!!! :D

    The right path is often the hardest one to follow. You're doing a good job, even if it doesn't always feel like it. Your house, your rules. Your son is an adult and made his decision. You didn't force him to smoke pot and leave. That is his choice.

  9. praying for peace

    praying for peace New Member

    Thank you so much for all of your comments! I really appreciate your support. It is touching that other people would take the time to write encouraging words to a person that they do not even know. I have been reading through other posts and I am amazed at all of the support that people give.

    I am glad so many people are in agreement that we are doing the right thing.
  10. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    UGH! Double UGH.

    Don't you HATE when you have those flashback moments and think "YOU USED TO BE SO CUTE!!!" and then feel so guilty that he turned out to be such a poop? The guilt can be so overwhelming if you allow it.

    THANK GOODNESS you found us to tell you our tales and to help kick your butt when you head down the path of woe is me. Truth is - Pot's a gateway drug. So it's a good thing that you made your stand now with the pot alone. Is there a chance that he could be JUST smoking pot and never tried or done anything else? Sure - slim, but sure.

    For me the hardest thing about putting my kid out was in thinking that somehow I could have done better as a parent. That him being put out was in fact my fault. I didn't do enough, I did too much, I was a nazi mom, I was a hippy Mom, I was a dictator one minute, and then getting him happy meals the next.....and you know what? Lots of parents with kids like ours will tell you the same thing. We all just want our kids to be healthy, happy and have some successes.

    So the next time you feel like it's YOUR fault he's out - or that you may cave and hand him a buck or two? Ask yourself this simple test. "Did I every purposely make a bad decisions about how to parent my son? Did I go OUT OF MY WAY to make sure that the choices I made for him were the worst possible ones?" or.....did you do the best you could with what you knew at the time and when it didn't work - worked harder to find something better or different?

    Because the only way that you should blame yourself for ANYTHING a 19 year old man does - is if you KNOWINGLY all his life made decisions based on the worst possible outcome for him instead of what you felt was right.

    Find a place and bury the words "I should have" for the rest of your life.
    Should have has a place in this world, but I reserve it for trying things like which ice cream should I have gotten?

    Not when I look back at how I raised my son. He's made some choices that he has to live with - now make him live with them - or take him back in and still be raising him when you're in your 70's. He'll be that 50 year old, unemployed man, balding and living in your basement, with no wife, and depending on you to give him some of your SSI check to get his pot.

    I know - my x mother in law died a few years back - and NEVER let go of or let my x take responsibility for his OWN actions. She blamed herself until her death and he let her. FYI - her own son ran over her trying to steal her van, and the entire "clan" covered it up. - She would have wanted it that way.

    Hang in there - and post often for added strength and rhino skin.

    Hugs * Welcome
  11. praying for peace

    praying for peace New Member

    I tried replying earlier tonight. I do not see it posted I will try again.

    Thank you so much for all of your support. I am truly appreciative of all of your posts. I read each one carefully and it made me feel better that other people in similar situations agree that we are doing the right thing.

    It is so difficult to let go. The love that that you have for your children can not be compared to any other love. I have to realize I could love my son and still let go to let him find his way. He has to be shown that we DO NOT approve of his choices and that WE WILL NOT support his pot smoking in our home.

    Thanks again!
  12. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I haven't had a "you used to be cute" flashback in ages. Thank goodness!
  13. goldenguru

    goldenguru New Member

    Welcome praying for peace.

    Tough love is certainly tough. Very tough. But, given your son's refusal to abide by a very simple rule (no drugs in my house) - it is very much needed. I applaud you for doing the right (albeit really tough) thing!!

    Again welcome to you!!
  14. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Didnt they all use to be so cute? In fact...most of them still are so cute!
  15. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    Oh your story sounds like I wrote it. My son is 25 and is the same way. We asked him to leave for the same reason. He was also a pill addict to. He is living - surviving - in an abandoned trailer in the town - close by - that we used to live in. We do buy him food and will help him if he needs it but we do not give him money. We told him the other day we would help him get the help he needs - rehab, etc. and he said "Mom dont bother me about that right now". Well he is looking at going back to jail for violation of a magastrate pot possession charge - which will only land him 30 days at the most. He has been in jail, etc. many times. We have put him in rehabs, etc. I do miss him. I miss the smile. I miss his fishing stories because he loved to fish. He just cant live here. It is not good for anyone. Yes - it does give them a safe and comfy place to get high. It does feel like the tough love thing would just make them worse - but how can we allow them to use drugs under our roof when they think it is ok and we dont - how can we allow them to do that and not get the help they need? We cant unless we want to enable them forever - it is hard I know - I am doing the same thing you are right now. I hate it and it is scary. I pray a lot. Hang in there.