Missing my son

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Babbs, Aug 8, 2007.

  1. Babbs

    Babbs New Member

    So I haven't posted in a while - my son's been out of state on his visitation with his dad. I've been distracting myself with summer employment that requires me to commute 2 hours one way. Tonight I got a half day to attend a court hearing that got pushed back another month and I've been reading and thinking (ack maybe not a good thing!).

    Tomorrow is my son's 7th birthday. He told me before he left that he wanted me to call him every day. I have. 75% of the time I get the voice mail and never get to talk to my son. I've spoken with him maybe 2x a week in the past 6. And I have 2 weeks left to go. My ex-AH sent me an email last week telling me I'd only be allowed to talk to my son 2 days a week, Weds and Sundays and was told to stop calling other days because it was disruptive. So I'm sitting here wondering if I'm going to be "allowed" to talk to my son on his birthday.

    2 weeks ago my son told me his dad was spanking him and he didn't like it there and wanted to come home. Spanking him tends to bring out his ODD and makes him MUCH more aggressive. I had to tell him to talk to his dad about it with the counselor there and that he'd be coming home soon. I got an email from my ex-AH with the explaination that my son was being spanked because he had hit his dad. According to his dad, my son needs to learn that when he hits someone he needs to expect to be hit back. Uh huh. So my ex-AH's excuse is "he hit me first." <sigh>

    When I spoke with my son two days ago he told me that he had to "make a choice". When I pressed further, he told me that he had to "make a choice between talking with you mommy or playing longer and I made a choice and I have to go." Uh huh. So my son is being made to choose between talking with his mom or playing/watching tv. Like that's a fair choice for a 6 year old.

    So I'm sitting here realizing that two weeks away is still stretching out in front of me. Realizing that after 8 weeks with "disneyland dad" means tons of work to get him back on a decent behavior plan, review his school work <his dad was supposed to enroll him in summer school according to the divorce settlement and didn't>, get him back on his medications, and spin my wheels in a courtroom that just constantly continues hearings instead of holding ex-AH responsible for his responsibilities.
  2. AllStressedOut

    AllStressedOut New Member

    I've only had to go through this once. The second summer we were married husband's ex took difficult children for a month. First few days were great, nice break, but after that both husband and I were missing them like crazy. She didn't give oldest difficult child his medications. We didn't get to talk to the boys at all except on their bdays when we could have them for 2 hours. She was late coming home with them for us to pick them up so our 2 hour visits were cut short. They came back in an uproar and it took about a month to get them back in the swing of things. No more cookies and soda for breakfast or late nights with tons of guys hanging out. 7 weeks is a long time, especially if ex is keeping your son from talking on the phone. I'm sorry you're having to deal with it. I hope his return home is smooth.
  3. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    I'm sure your son wanted you to call him everyday as reassurance, but it might have been more appropriate to tell him that you want him to be able to spend time with his dad and that you'll call him twice a week. It's hard for my son to go to his dad's. He wants to see him, but he's such a homebody; he really doesn't like to be away from home for too long. I know if I call him constantly, I will be being disruptive to my son settling in with his dad. After about 2 weeks, my son starts calling me. There was a time when his father wouldn't let him call me because of the long distance charges, so I got a calling card for my son to use.

    Kids, especially at that age, very much live in the moment and when your son told you he didn't like it there he was probably reacting to more of an "I'm upset right now" thing then anything else.

    My son's father lives 600 miles away and I know how hard it is when we hear those words and it's soooo hard not to react. But, I've learned not to. We get ourselves all worked up and don't sleep and the child has moved on 5 minutes later. been there done that. There have been a couple of times I pushed it. For example, when easy child's dad told him that if he didn't take a bite of his sloppy joe (that easy child hates and easy child's dad is the biggest picky eater ever so he has no room to talk) then he was going to sit at the table all night. Then if he didn't eat it that night, he was going to eat it for breakfast. Then if he didn't do that, he wasn't coming home the next day (his scheduled time to return). easy child's dad made him get off the phone after easy child told me about this (his dad was listening to the conversation on another extension...sigh...big no no) and wouldn't answer the phone when I called back. So, I called the sheriff's office and they told me to bring my divorce papers and visitation agreement and to call them when I got close and they would escort me to his house to get easy child. I didn't have to actually do that, though. I called my former mother in law and told her what would be happening if I didn't hear from her son in the next 5 minutes. His dad called and gloated that easy child took a bite of the sloppy joe. I told him that he may feel like he's won, but he's lost so much more in terms of trust with his son. I told him I hoped it was worth it. Such a stupid thing over a stupid sloppy joe.

    I know how hard it is to reprogram, as I call it, when they come home. It does get better as the child gets older. Although, my heart aches for my son now when he goes. His dad tries to make him be something he's not. My son wants to enjoy being with his dad, but he feels like he's on the defensive so much of the time. easy child knows where home really is.

    I'm kinda rambling...sorry...tired. I had a point to all this that got lost somewhere.
  4. Liahona

    Liahona Active Member

    I'm sorry your going through this. The first time this happened to us difficult child 2 got rocked alot. Spoiled actually. I just needed to hold someone and rock. difficult child 1 goes for 4 weeks instead of 7 because ex is close by. Its worse when you think your child is being treated badly. Mine has done the choose between talk to mom or play as well. He also forced him to stand out in the cold if he wanted to talk to me. (This was for a Christmas visit.) I'm so sorry your going through this, too. I'm hoping it will get better as difficult child 1 gets older and bigger and more able to tell DCFS what is going on.