Mixed feelings

[Bugsy]

I feel selfish and full of self pity at the same time that I am so relieved.

My mom (who I am very close with) had a big scary, possible lung cancer but THANK G-D no cancer. I am thrilled and so happy that she is okay.

The mixed feeling comes into that my mom and dad chose not to tell me about the scare because of the amount that I have to deal with with my son. He is not doing well right now and I understand and can appreciate why my mom did not want to worry me. She did tell my husband and asked that he not tell me.

The part that makes me feel bad is when she told me everything tonight, with the GREAT news, she mentioned that she had told most other people including my brother. My brother has a relationship with my mom but for the most part he has been an arrogant, self-centered, pompous, nasty person. My mom maintains a relationship so she can be with his child. Can't blame her for loving her grandson. She has put up with a lot of cr@p from him and always said she would never even think to count on him for anything.


Here's the pity part: my life is so messed up due to my son's BiPolar (BP) that I am not even the person I always was. I was always the compassionate one, the one to count on, the one that could handle anything, the good listener, the one who made everyone laugh. I was the one who had major surgery without batting an eyelash. I currently give myself 2 injections a week due to severe psoriasis. To think that my mom went to everybody else including my jerk of a brother is so sad to me. I am more than thrilled that she is okay and I am glad that my brother actually showed compassion and concern.

Who am I now? I gave up my career. I have given up some goals. I have very few friends and family. And now I am not even the one someone I love can come to. I know being Bugsy's mom is an important job and he needs me but is there anything but reading books about BiPolar (BP), researching medications, organizing his medications, talking to his school, going to the pharmacy, calling doctors, going for blood tests and WORRYING??

Well, most importantly----MOM IS OKAY!!

 

[everywoman]

It's hard to bring all areas in our lives into harmonious balance. It's tough. Your difficult child and easy child are still so young. You will have a life outside of all of this one day. While he is still young, take time to enjoy them. Even the daily, drugery stuff. Because before you know it, they are grown. My grandmother used to tell me that when children were young they tugged at your apron strings, but when they grew up they tugged at your heart strings---I'm now beginning to understand those words.

The key to surving in learning organizational skills and time management---
And learning to relax. If you don't read that new article today, it will still be there tomorrow.

Big hugs from a mommy who misses when times were busy and they still really needed me.

 

[meowbunny]

HUGS

I so understand the losing of self. It will come back as they get a little older.

I know it hurts that your mother felt she had to protect you but I think if the news had been bad, your mother would have told you and leaned on you for support when she needed it.

Grieve the woman you think you've lost. Odds are you will find her again, but not for awhile. Celebrate your mother's health. Both feelings are reasonable and right at this time.

 

[mrscatinthehat]

It can be hard to feel you lost yourself. It is hard. Do try and find some time for you. Even if it is ten minutes hidden in the bathroom. Hugs.

Beth

 

[busywend]

Well, that sure is an eye opener! 5 years ago my answer would have been to not share anything with my mom anymore. Today it is to step one step away from the difficult child submersion that you are in. It really will not hurt anyone. If I had stepped back a step I think there would have been a ton more peace in mine & difficult children childhood.

HUGS!