Mom, Can boyfriend stay with us?

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by hearts and roses, Jun 11, 2008.

  1. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    OMG, NO!

    difficult child actually called me and H to ask if Monkeyboy could come "tay with us for a few days". I was so thrown off that I asked why! In the background I can hear MB crying and yelling into the phone how "Messed up his family is", meanwhile his mother is saying, "No, no" was pure havoc. I was stunned and had to hang up and call her back. Of course, the answer was no, but can you even believe it?

    H went from 1 to 10 in an instant listing all the reasons why NO was the answer. My God, it felt good to be on the same page.

    Then my friend called me and told me that difficult child called her and BEGGED to stay there with MB. Can you just believe the gall of this girl?? I am appalled and soooOOOoooo glad that my friend didn't miss a beat and said, "No way". Her daughter is the same age and a friend of difficult children, so difficult child was appealing to her to ask her mother (my friend). Whew. What a mess. I am still wondering if difficult child will even come home tonight. But you know what? I'm freaking tired and don't really care at this point.

    I'm going to bed. It's been a long day.
  2. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    Why can't kids these days get this one? My easy child doesn't understand why I will not let a friend (who is a boy but is just a friend) stay over night or why I tell her it is not appropriate for her to be in her friends' (boys again) apartments. She has college age friends who live on their own.

    The first time she pulled this the boy was living in an apartment that needed a key to get in the building. O.K., and you really think that is safe? You are not allowed to be anywhere that I don't have access to. You are not allowed in boys' apartments. (she was 15, he was 19) This is how trouble starts.

    When she is out past curfew, I will go to her friends' homes to get her and bring her home. "Mom, they don't want you at their homes." "Too bad, I have the right to be whereever you are." So, if I say I will be there in 10 minutes, she is usually home on her own in 5 minutes.
  3. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    She just called me and said, "I know that you all think that he's a problem, but I'm just letting you know that I love him and I'm going to be there for him no matter what. So I'm staying with him at our friend C's house tonight. He's crying and wants me to be with him."


    I told her he is a sinking ship and she's going down. That she's making a grave mistake by allowing him to further drag her down into his own personal quagmire - she said no she is not. It hit me then that there is nothing I can say or do at this time that will make any sense to her if it means leaving this loser in the dust. His own parents won't help him or let him stay at their house. It's just sad. But I have to let go. I swear, every word sounded like a carefully scripted soap opera - it was dripping with drama and I felt nauseous. Hahah - it's so sad, it's laughable.
  4. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    I keep telling my easy child, "You can not help anyone your age, a year or two younger than you, and especially anyone older than you." She has become the responsible one of her group of 20 year old plus friends (she is 17 and they call her for help a lot.). When she was 16, these kids called her on a stormy night to help them when they ran out of gas. I told her I would take because she is too young to help on her own. Then I asked, "What is wrong with your friends? There has to be someone's parents or atleast older friends that they should have turned to, not you."

    Kids who are same age or younger than the person with the problem are almost always enablers.
  5. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I guess all you can do is enjoy the peace and quiet for now while they are at C's house.


    I don't envy you living in your house right now.
  6. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    She is going to be there for him?

    She wasn't last night when she was out with the Weasel. Did you remind her of that?

    Does she not get that this is a ploy in his part? That he is afraid to lose HER and so if he plays pathetic enough, he can count on her good graces to "save" him?

    Arrrgh. I am frustrated FOR you!
  7. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I'm right there with BBK. The first thing outta my mouth would've been to remind her of her "date" with the weasle.

    I'm sorry Jo that your difficult child isn't listening any better than mine. Gawd, it's so frustrating!!! I've spent so much time biting my tongue over the past several years I'm surprised I don't talk with a lisp. *sigh*

    Hope you get some rest. Glad your friend backed you up.

  8. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Once you become the home for wayward teens, they never me! I think I run a group home but I dont get paid for it. I think I should just hang out a shingle. Hey...tell your difficult child and monkey boy that if they are willing to pay rent and utilities I have a room for rent!
  9. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    You know, things move at such a rapid speed in difficult child's life (although they never really 'change'), that I had already completely forgotten about the weasel...I think I had put that on a back burner. When she's not around, I honestly try to block any thoughts of her out of my head. I'm tired of talking about her and I'm tired of thinking up ways to help her or push her in the right direction - SHE ALREADY KNOWS THE WAY BUT CHOOSES NOT TO TAKE THAT PATH. Instead she prefers the superfast highway to ruin, with monkeyboy leading the way.

    BBK, I think the reason why she's jumping through hoops for monkeyboy now is BECAUSE of her date with weasel - to prove to him that she's not the conniving, lying, cheating girl he thinks she is....HAHAHAHA. I laugh because it is so ridiculous to me. The insanity of it all.

    Witz, at least I finally have H on my side. He slipped her $10 last night when she mentioned something about wanting ice cream, and I kicked him under the table. In every other way, he has been backing me up and not giving her money, till last night...boy did he regret that handout later last night.

    Last week when she came home from her visit with dear old biodad, she had a cool $115 in her pocket. Two days later she was broke and claimed she spent it all giving her friends money for gas. I want to know which friends, because back when she had a car, it seemed no one else did. Hmph. Liar. And she told me that her bioddad took her to a tattoo parlor to discuss with them how she would go about getting her body modification and piercing license...WTH?

    Janet, I have opened up my home to a few of my kids' friends and I would do it again in a hearbeat. The difference was that those friends were not complete drips. They either worked for my H or in my yard, they took out the trash, kept a curfew, were respectable, sat with us for dinner every night, and cleaned up after themselves. Above all, they respected H and me. I do not think, wait, I KNOW, that Monkeyboy is not one of those kinds of human beings. He sleeps till noon, goes fishing, gets high and complains to everyone why it's all their fault his life inhales deeply. His life, and difficult child's life, will never improve until they are willing to put a little backbone into it, which at this time they are not and I'm tired of giving handouts to people who treat me like garbage.

    The other night I read an IM between MB and difficult child in which they discuss the fact that we're going to help easy child get into a new car. Her current car needs about $3500 in repairs, we only paid $4000, so we feel it's stupid to put more cash into it. We can sell hers and she can use it as a down payment and get into something newer and more economical. Well, this just doesn't sit well with difficult child, nor apparently, MB. They were motherf____ing us all over the place for helping easy child but not difficult child, saying things like, "No doubt you'll get another piece of **** while easy child is driving a nice new car - that's messed up. Why do they do everything for easy child and nothing for you?!" to which difficult child responds, "My dad says its because I was born second!" I just about fell on the floor. But you know, I'm at a point now where I don't even bother explaining it to difficult child, because I know that she KNOWS the deal. easy child is working her tail off, difficult child is doing NOTHING. God I love her, but if she can't even help herself, how can anyone else and moreso, why would we? I feel we've given her ample opportunities and plenty of time to work this out for herself. If she prefers to crash on some kids couch with her drip of a boyfriend, let her, right? I kind of wish she'd come home to pack a bag and just go. I'd have to change all the locks, but hey, it's worth it to me not to have the worry that they will be hanging at my house when I'm not home.

  10. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat


    I was going to suggest you simply telling her that it is time to go. And then changing the locks. She won't leave...she has it too good there! I'd tell her that if she feels she has to spend the night elsewhere for MBs sake, then she is no longer welcome in your home. She either lives there or she doesn't.

    Tough? Yes. But maybe the only way that she will learn.
  11. janebrain

    janebrain New Member

    Hi Jo,
    I think BBK is right--it is time for her to go. I don't think she is going to change while living at home and she sounds like she is addicted to drama. My difficult child 1 used to complain about all the drama in her life but I knew she actually got something out of it. I think you can have a million heart to heart talks and she may actually seem to be listening but the next thing you know there she is again in the same situation.

    I think for everyone's sake she needs to move out and get a life!

  12. Coookie

    Coookie Active Member

    Aw Jo,

    Sending hugs. :(

    It seems to me, in observing my difficult child and his 2 psycho females, that our difficult children almost need the drama in their lives to survive. When they were kids the center of their needed drama was us... now they have branched out and we are still in it but more of an observer. At least that is how it is with us. :crazy1:

    You are right, no amount of talking is going to change their thought processes. Only experience and the hope that they get so sick of living in the turmoil that they change it. Don't know.... :(

    It is hard to watch, believe me I know, but not much else we can do. :(

    Trying to "save" someone is not only something we have done, seems our difficult children have that "need" also. :crazy1:

    We have new locks in our pantry, difficult child knows it and he also knows that they will be changed if we don't get a phone call if he will be gone. As far as who he stays with, or what he does.... out of our hands.

    I swallow my heart, read my detachment/letting go info and think of other things. husband and I figure that at this point in our lives we have said all the words, attempted to give all the "wisdom" we have and any other attempts at talking are futile.

    That may sound cold, you know we are not, we will be here for him but I refuse to live my life as a crazy person. LOL I spent far too many years doing that... raising him.

    Deciding what you will tolerate, setting the boundaries and standing by them is a hard thing to do.... standing by them is the hardest... but an old Donna Sommer's song runs through my head frequently.....

    "Enough is Enough"...

    Lot of rambling here. Just wanted to send a hug and some empathy.
  13. So Tired

    So Tired Member

    I think you are doing a great job of disconnecting from difficult child's problems -- you gave a firm "no" about the boyfriend moving in. My difficult child tried that a few months ago, only he texted me about it. "Could his girlfriend move in with us?" I gave that a firm, unequivical, no wiggle-room "no" but I wanted to say: HELLO, I don't even like YOU living with us, why would I want her here too?!

    I have, on occasion, let a friend in need spend the night. Someone who was kicked out and had no where to go. Or had no ride. But I always stood firm that this was just an one night, you-need-to-talk-to-your-folks-and-work-it-out kind of thing. I always told difficult child their folks must have had a good reason to kick them out and I was not going to bail them out of problems of their own doing.

    I'm sorry you daughter seems intent on letting her boyfriend drag her down. I think the drama of it all makes her feel very important and she is not ready to let go of that. It may take some time, but she will come to see on her own that saving this loser time after time while he does nothing with his life is a big waste of her time and energy. A niece of mine went through this. She ended up calling off her wedding to "loser-boy" a month and a half before their wedding date. She was tired of him blowing the rent money on partying with his friends. She was tired of working while he sat home 'cause he couldn't find a job he "liked". Best decison of her life. She is now married to a nice guy with a good job. They have a beautiful home and a new baby.

    I hope my niece's story brings you hope. Sometimes they just have to get it on their own. Too bad they won't listen to us and save themselves alot of time and pain along the way!
  14. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    "SHE ALREADY KNOWS THE WAY BUT CHOOSES NOT TO TAKE THAT PATH" .. I am going to have to print this out and put it on my fridge... re both my difficult children!!!

    It's amazing, the thought processes of these kids.
  15. HereWeGoAgain

    HereWeGoAgain Grandpa

    Suz is right, there is something in the air lately. Glad you and H were together on the no Monkeyboy sleepover front.

    I recall difficult child several times leaving to go "be there" for somebody "no matter what" -- "being there" generally involved having a party, and half the time leaving whoever she was "being there" for to go out and party some more.
  16. Star*

    Star* call 911

    Jo -

    Last week she is on a date with another boy and NOW she wants the monkey to move in with her? IN YOUR HOME?

    How stunned are you today still? WOW.

    Sending hugs -
  17. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    I am still saying no, I mean, she hasn't asked again, but she did assume that by being here when I get home from work that that means the alternative to me driving him somewhere is letting him stay here. Well, I drove him somewhere. Unfortunately, difficult child has decided that she is going with him I guess. They are staying at a friend's again tonight.

    I am actually very sad this evening. Not just about this particular incident(s), but overall. Our town's annual fireman's carnival is this weekend. Usually difficult child goes almost every single night, with or without a boyfriend, with girlfriends, or just to meet up with people. She's ALWAYS loved carnivals, fairs, jamborees, etc. I mean, when she was little, we always had a big to-do over which nights WE would go and she'd always lobby for another night. Well, as I was driving past the entrance to the fireman's fair thing, with signs everywhere, the big ferris wheel looming in the distance, the crazy lights, etc., I just got so sad. I kind of grazed difficult child's leg. She asked me, "What?" and I had to say it: "I'm sad that you're missing this year's carnival. You always go, almost all 4 nights. It just makes me sad that you're giving it up." I didn't care that monkeyboy was there or heard me. I heard them arguing about it last night - what would they do? It was between the carnival or a show he wanted to see (you know that horrible hideous screaming "music') and I was sad to see that once again, she gave in to him. I suppose this is the way of their relationship and although it won't make me get involved or bend, it does make me sad. She's turned a corner.

    Then just now before I signed on, I saw that a search engine was open and the search listing was for se.xy lingerie. The thought of my difficult child making herself enticing for monkeyboy brings bile up to my mouth. Seriously, it just makes me want to let out this cavewoman, barely human scream. And it's not because she's such an innocent - it's because he is such a cretin.
  18. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    Jo -

    I have nothing to add. But your sadness is profound and I wanted to let you know I was thinking of you and to send some hugs.