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Mom needs help with detaching from son
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 632943" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Hi Luane and welcome. I so understand what you wrote above, the back and the forth of it, you want to help someone who MAY be on the cusp of a good move for himself, but you know that you've done things before like this and there was virtually no return at all.</p><p></p><p>Let me say something that might surprise you: I don't think it matters one way or the other, right now, whether you agree to pay the $200 a month and make those stipulations...or not. </p><p></p><p>If you are not yet ready to stop, and you really want to do this one...more...thing...in hopes it is the turning point, then do it.</p><p></p><p>Here is the really important thing: As you are doing it----whatever you decide to do for him----at the same time, begin a concerted effort to work on YOU. You matter. You are truly, right now, the main one who matters. You have done and done and done for him, and today he is 26. </p><p></p><p>When is he going to start taking responsibility for himself? The answer: he will have a chance, a real chance, to start that process---his own work, on him, like you will be doing, on you----once you stop. </p><p></p><p>That is what I believe today. At the same time, today my difficult child called, and said this: Mom, I have a job interview tomorrow morning at 10. Can you take me to the interview and bring me some clothes to wear?</p><p></p><p>Luane, if he actually gets a job any time soon, it will be the first job he has had in nearly 16 months. </p><p></p><p>I am thanking God today that I am going out of town for a girls' weekend tomorrow morning. I can't take him to the interview, and that is the truth. </p><p></p><p>I did agree to take him some clothes and give him $2 for a bus pass tonight. And then, Luane, I actually ironed the clothes.</p><p></p><p>I am telling you these bare-faced truths because I also believe this: we can only do what we can live with.</p><p></p><p>In the past 10 days or so, I've gotten too involved again in my son's life. I have allowed the "creep" of his calls, and his needs, and his improved thinking and improved talk, get to me. I have allowed hope, a little hope, to grow into more hope, only to be dashed by the appearance of the new girlfriend (not good) and then to be uplifted again by the job interview. </p><p></p><p>The roller coaster. It is exhausting, it is not a way to live, and I don't like it one bit. I am so very tired of it. I want to get off, but it never stops. </p><p></p><p>Because, Luane, He does seem a bit different right now---a bit better--and believe me, I am parsing his tone, his words, his expressions, to see if it's again all a big lie...or not. I am peering closely at his face, watching his yawns, his eye contact, Luane. I am too involved with him and what he is going to do or is not going to do.</p><p></p><p>I have to create more distance. I have to get out of his way. I have to get out of my own way. I have to turn my focus back on myself, and away from him---a grown man---and allow him, let him, do whatever he is going to do WITH HIS OWN LIFE. </p><p></p><p>However ugly it is. </p><p></p><p>So Luane, go back to Al-Anon. Post here. Read Melody Beattie's book. Take a walk. Take a nap. Take a break. </p><p></p><p>It's the 51% rule. You are at least 1% more important than he is. In the Big Scheme of Life, it's not going to matter, truly, one way or the other if you give him $200 a month for a while to see what he can do and what will happen.</p><p></p><p>With or without you, he will either start on a better path, or he won't. </p><p></p><p><u><strong>It gets back to us.</strong></u> We have to do what we have to do. May we all have the strength and courage to create more space, more time, more distance....and turn our tremendous energy back on ourselves and our lives. We deserve it. We really do. </p><p></p><p>Glad you are here. We get it. We get you. Please continue sharing and posting. It helps us all.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 632943, member: 17542"] Hi Luane and welcome. I so understand what you wrote above, the back and the forth of it, you want to help someone who MAY be on the cusp of a good move for himself, but you know that you've done things before like this and there was virtually no return at all. Let me say something that might surprise you: I don't think it matters one way or the other, right now, whether you agree to pay the $200 a month and make those stipulations...or not. If you are not yet ready to stop, and you really want to do this one...more...thing...in hopes it is the turning point, then do it. Here is the really important thing: As you are doing it----whatever you decide to do for him----at the same time, begin a concerted effort to work on YOU. You matter. You are truly, right now, the main one who matters. You have done and done and done for him, and today he is 26. When is he going to start taking responsibility for himself? The answer: he will have a chance, a real chance, to start that process---his own work, on him, like you will be doing, on you----once you stop. That is what I believe today. At the same time, today my difficult child called, and said this: Mom, I have a job interview tomorrow morning at 10. Can you take me to the interview and bring me some clothes to wear? Luane, if he actually gets a job any time soon, it will be the first job he has had in nearly 16 months. I am thanking God today that I am going out of town for a girls' weekend tomorrow morning. I can't take him to the interview, and that is the truth. I did agree to take him some clothes and give him $2 for a bus pass tonight. And then, Luane, I actually ironed the clothes. I am telling you these bare-faced truths because I also believe this: we can only do what we can live with. In the past 10 days or so, I've gotten too involved again in my son's life. I have allowed the "creep" of his calls, and his needs, and his improved thinking and improved talk, get to me. I have allowed hope, a little hope, to grow into more hope, only to be dashed by the appearance of the new girlfriend (not good) and then to be uplifted again by the job interview. The roller coaster. It is exhausting, it is not a way to live, and I don't like it one bit. I am so very tired of it. I want to get off, but it never stops. Because, Luane, He does seem a bit different right now---a bit better--and believe me, I am parsing his tone, his words, his expressions, to see if it's again all a big lie...or not. I am peering closely at his face, watching his yawns, his eye contact, Luane. I am too involved with him and what he is going to do or is not going to do. I have to create more distance. I have to get out of his way. I have to get out of my own way. I have to turn my focus back on myself, and away from him---a grown man---and allow him, let him, do whatever he is going to do WITH HIS OWN LIFE. However ugly it is. So Luane, go back to Al-Anon. Post here. Read Melody Beattie's book. Take a walk. Take a nap. Take a break. It's the 51% rule. You are at least 1% more important than he is. In the Big Scheme of Life, it's not going to matter, truly, one way or the other if you give him $200 a month for a while to see what he can do and what will happen. With or without you, he will either start on a better path, or he won't. [U][B]It gets back to us.[/B][/U] We have to do what we have to do. May we all have the strength and courage to create more space, more time, more distance....and turn our tremendous energy back on ourselves and our lives. We deserve it. We really do. Glad you are here. We get it. We get you. Please continue sharing and posting. It helps us all. [/QUOTE]
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