Moose Poop & Teenage daughter owners manual

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Star*, Dec 18, 2007.

  1. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

  2. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    •
    Teenaged Daughter Owner's Manual


    Instructions for all those with teenage daughters or daughters who think they are teenagers or who will eventually be teenagers.

    Congratulations! You are now the proud new owner of a teenaged daughter. Please read this manual carefully, as it describes the maintenance of your new daughter, and answers important questions about your warranty (which does NOT include the right to return the product to the factory for a full refund).

    IF YOU FEEL YOU HAVE RECEIVED YOUR TEENAGER IN ERROR:

    To determine whether you were supposed to receive a teenaged girl, please examine your new daughter carefully.

    Does she:

    (a) look very similar to your original daughter, only with more makeup and less clothing?

    (b) refuse to acknowledge your existence on the planet Earth(except when requesting money)?

    (c) Sleep in a burrow of dirty laundry?

    If any of these are true, you have received the correct item.

    BREAK-IN PERIOD

    When you first receive your teenaged daughter, you will initially experience a high level of discomfort. Gradually, this discomfort will subside, and you will merely feel traumatised. This is the "Break-In Period," during which you are becoming accustomed to certain behaviours that will cause you concern, anxiety, and stress. Once you have adapted to these behaviours, your teenager will start acting even worse.

    ACTIVATION

    To activate your teenaged daughter, simply place her in the vicinity of a telephone or Instant Messenger. No further programming is required.

    SHUTDOWN

    Several hours after activation, you may desire to shut down your teenaged daughter. There is no way to do this.

    CLEANING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER

    Having a teenaged daughter means learning the difference between the words "clean" and "neat." Teenaged daughters are very clean, because they take frequent showers that last more than an hour. They will scrub themselves with expensive, fragrant soaps which you must purchase for them because "like I'm sure I'm going to use like the same kind of soap my mum and dad use." When they have completely drained the hot-water tank, they will step out and wrap themselves in every towel in the bathroom, which they will subsequently strew throughout the house. If you ask them to pick up the towels, you are confusing "clean" with "neat." Teenagers are very busy and do not have time to be neat. They expect others to pick up after them. These others are called "parents."

    FEEDING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER

    Your teenaged daughter requires regular meals, which must be purchased for her at restaurants because she detests everything you eat because it is like so disgusting.

    She does not want you to accompany her to these restaurants, because some people might see you and, "like I'm sure I want my friends to see me eating dinner with my parents." Either order take-out food or just give her the money, preferably both. If you order pizza, never answer the doorbell because the delivery boy might see you and, "ohmigod he is so hot!" Yes, your daughter's idea of an attractive man is the pizza boy.

    CLOTHING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER

    Retailers make millions of pounds a year selling stylish and frankly sensible clothing which will look adorable on your daughter. If you enjoy shopping, you will love the vast selections which are available to you. Unfortunately, your teenaged daughter wants to dress like a lap dancer. You may be able to coerce her into putting on a cute outfit before leaving the house, but by the time she walks in the school door, she will be wearing something entirely different.

    OTHER MAINTENANCE

    Teenaged daughters require one of two levels of maintenance:

    "High," and "Ultra High."

    Your daughter is "Ultra High." This means that whatever you do won't be enough and whatever you try won't work.

    WARRANTY

    This product is not without defect because she has your genes, for heaven's sake. If you think this is not fair, talk to your parents, who think it is hilarious. Your teenaged daughter will remain a teenager for as long as it takes for her to become a woman, which in her opinion has already happened and as far as you are concerned never really will. If you are dissatisfied with your teenaged daughter, well, what did you expect? In any event, your warranty does not give you your little girl back under any circumstances, except that deep down she's actually still there--you just have to look for her.
     
  3. HereWeGoAgain

    HereWeGoAgain Grandpa

    Oh, Lord, that was funny. Now I'm the one snorting at work.

    <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Starb</div><div class="ubbcode-body">Having a teenaged daughter means learning the difference between the words "clean" and "neat." Teenaged daughters are very clean, because they take frequent showers that last more than an hour. They will scrub themselves with expensive, fragrant soaps which you must purchase for them because "like I'm sure I'm going to use like the same kind of soap my mum and dad use." When they have completely drained the hot-water tank, they will step out and wrap themselves in every towel in the bathroom, which they will subsequently strew throughout the house. If you ask them to pick up the towels, you are confusing "clean" with "neat." Teenagers are very busy and do not have time to be neat. They expect others to pick up after them. These others are called "parents." </div></div>

    :rofl: :rofl:
     
  4. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    The teen daughter one had me cracking up!! So very true!

    :rofl: :rofl:
     
  5. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

  6. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    Would I like Information on their product??? Heck Ya!!! Dumb question!!!

    Moose Poop!!! That is so cool. I haven't even gotten to the teenage one yet I am SO excited about the Moose Poop!!!

    Get the credit card out!!!!!
     
  7. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    Lollipoops..... :rofl:

    Oh I am so simple.... and I can not order them... I am e-mailing them!
     
  8. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Moose poop is chocolate covered marshmallows which also doubles as reindeer poop. We used to leave this out on Xmas eve in little plastic baggies for the boys. (We said Santa had to clean up after his reindeer...lol)

    We did easter bunny poop with the chocolate covered raisins.
     
  9. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    So, if the "normal" teenage girl is "high" and "ultra" high maintenance, what are our girls? Ultra maximum high maintenance?

    Also love the difference between "clean" and "neat." So very very true.

    Thanks for the chuckle.
     
  10. SearchingForRainbows

    SearchingForRainbows Active Member

    Star,

    I absolutely LOVE the owner's manual for teenage daughters!!! :rofl:It is so TRUE!!! My easy child is being a real PITA today - actually, she has been since yesterday. The timing of this post is perfect. I love it so much, I'm thinking about printing it.

    Thanks again. :rofl: WFEN
     
  11. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    They sure have the teenage daughters pegged right! :rofl:
     
  12. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Talking of the chocolate-coated facsimile of "moose poop", "reindeer poop" and "Easter Bunny poop" - we couldn't do that because we get too much of the real thing, the kids might eat the wrong stuff. On our front lawns we find brushtail possum poop (looks like chocolate bullets), Rusa deer poop (enough to kill the lawn) but thankfully not much bunny poop. They get that further west!

    And while we're talking about this sort of thing - you know what hundreds and thousands are? M&M poop!

    Marg
     
  13. Marg's Man

    Marg's Man Member

    I wondered if there were Teenaged Son Owner's Manual as well but that would be just too gross!
     
  14. Marg's Man

    Marg's Man Member

    I wondered if there were Teenaged Son Owner's Manual as well but that would be just too gross!
     
  15. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body"> (which does NOT include the right to return the product to the factory for a full refund)</div></div>

    When a friend of mine had her two eldest children, she didn't have health insurance. At the ages of 10 and 7, she was still paying on the hospital and doctor bills and would say, "I keep waiting for them to come repo 'em."

    :rofl:
     
  16. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I loved the teenage daughter owners manual. Thanks, Star!

    ~Kathy
     
  17. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    We "jokingly" had parent moments when difficult child would be late checking in and I would worry stating "What if someone took him" and DF would look at me and say "THEY would bring him back no worries luv."

    POSSUM POOP?? OMG someone here Marg-took the labels off of little finger hotdogs called Vienna meat snacks and pasted a obvious fake label on the can with a picture of a hissing N. American possum and left it in the grocery store - on the shelf!!! It was TOO funny!
    The label said POTTED POSSUM - Road kill Supreme!
     
  18. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Opossums are not pretty. Ours are. Ours don't hiss, either, they just look at you with their big shoe-button eyes and steal the fruit off the trees... wild ones will eat from your fingers. We put out old fruit for them instead of just chucking it into the compost bins. You hear them getting excited - a horrible sound, probably a lot like the hissing of your ones, but purely out of excitement and not anger.

    Mind you, husband disturbed one sleeping in mother in law's garage, I think that one hissed at him until he put the picnic basket back on the shelf and tiptoed away.

    In the evening we can walk outside and look up to see a quivering nose and big eyes looking down at us, as if asking for a piece of mango. They love mango.

    On TV yesterday afternoon was a short segment featuring an Aboriginal gourmet chef, cooking up a meal using bush tucker. We have some interesting native foods which the Western world is only just discovering. Lemon myrtle is fairly well known, but aniseed myrtle? Bush tomatoes, finger limes, saltbush - this bloke cooked up a delectable series of small pies which he said were much more Australian than the well-known variety. He then took his wares down to Garden Island on the shores of Sydney Harbour, to Harry's Café de Wheels (famous for providing meat pies to the sailors of all nations, since WWI). They liked his pies very much - even after he told them he'd used possum.

    Only Aboriginal people are permitted to hunt possum, so it's not likely to catch on here. Should go down a treat in New Zealand, though. Our possums are a pest over there, they have more possums than sheep. And more sheep than people. Big problems. Bring on the Kiwi possum pie and do your bit for the environment!

    Marg
     
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