More detaching today

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by lovemyson1, Aug 25, 2015.

  1. lovemyson1

    lovemyson1 Active Member

    Hello good people,

    As you know my son has been relapsing, living with his girlfriend and somehow functioning. Yesterday his girlfriend told us he took her iPhone 6 and left as she was showering. He then would not take her calls. Long story short, he's back to stealing again and from the one person that was still in his corner. I feel sorry for her but she's learning now. He told me last week he had a full time job and was "getting it all together". Lies, lies, lies... The only thing we were providing for him was his cell phone so that we could be in touch with him and so he could use it to get jobs. But now that he's back to his criminal behavior we decided to turn the phone off. It's been one year since this whole drama started for us, and he's right back to where he was then. He's had some victories, and some wonderful sober months, but now he's with his old druggie friends, stealing and using and that's his life now. Oddly, I'm not as emotional as before, I think I'm getting used to this now. I'm sad and disappointed but I can't live my life trying to fix his. My husband and I both agree that we must live and appreciate our daughters, grandson and each other and not fixate on him. I've grown. My hope now is that he will want to stop this lifestyle and seek help on his own. I want to thank those of you who have helped me grow and learn to accept the things I can't change. I hope my experience will help someone as well. This forum has been so helpful to me. I still have hope and believe he will get better, just so scared he will ruin his life before that happens. Both my husband and I told him we love him, get help and stop this lifestyle before it destroys you.. That's about it.
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    LMS1, you are amazing and what you did is so hard to do.

    I so hope that your son again decides to kick the drugs. It is sometimes a long process. That doesn't mean he is never going to stop, but it's sooooooooo hard until they do.
  3. lovemyson1

    lovemyson1 Active Member

    Thank you somewhere. You are always so supportive. Means so much. I hope you're right.
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Me too lms. Remember my daughter. She had many quits and relapses before the final quit. I think it works that way but its very hard.
    Hugs for the day...take care of yourself.
  5. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    LMS I am so sorry. I can't say I am surprised but I am so glad you are more at peace than previously. He knows what sobriety feels like, he can get there again, but it has to be up to him. I don;t fault you for providing him a phone, we did the same, as have others here. He had his one chance, never again.

    I do care about you, you have made tremendous progress. Please continue moving forward and enjoy your daughters and grandson to the fullest. He is the one losing out, but you cannot allow yourself to be dragged down with him.

    Stay strong.
  6. lovemyson1

    lovemyson1 Active Member

    Thank you sweet people. I am stronger and learning. He was using some app yesterday to contact me, begging me to talk his dad into turning his phone on, giving me a guilt trip. Problem for him is, I don't fall for the guilt trips anymore. He has used up all the guilt & manipulation now. But his girlfriend is still trying to save him (even after he's stolen from her and her roomates). She told me to tell him she will drop charges if he goes back to Victory Outreach. So I told him and he agreed, but hasn't gone yet, I believe he's negotiating that. His way is to just get out of trouble in anyway. I don't even think if he goes, it's because he wants to. I want his change to come from within, from himself, not forced by charges. However, it is possible he could get well there, so I do hope he goes either way. I'll wait, pray and hope for the best. Thank you all for your continued support, it is so needed!
  7. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    LMS, You sound very strong on the heals of finding out that your son is slipping back into old behaviors.
    I know that feeling of disappointment all to well. The ups and downs our DCs can put us through are draining and yet in some strange way we grow stronger, more resilient to weather what they throw at us.

    Good for you!! This is a huge step in letting go. I am so proud of you.:hi5:

    You are so much better equipped now which is good because our DCs don't always give up so easy. They can be very creative in trying to "guilt" us into helping so keep your guard up.

    ((HUGS)) to you...................
  8. lovemyson1

    lovemyson1 Active Member

    Tanya, thank you so much! I'm surprised at my strength actually. Hubby too. We are just so over his selfish ways. Our love for him is unconditional but we won't allow his drugs & criminal behavior be a part of our lives. My daughters are so mad at him and over it too! I really feel he's being selfish to choose this lifestyle again. We offered to help him go to college and make a life for himself and yet he chooses his criminal friends and getting high instead, to me, that's selfish. Especially knowning how much it hurts the ones he loves. Once in a while I start to cry, and then I stop myself. You're right though, he's quite creative at his manipulation, such a salesman I always say. But I'm not falling for it anymore. He had his chance, now he's gotta claim his sobriety for himself once and for all. Thank you again for the kind, supportive words!
  9. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    I have always said my son should have gone into politics. :laugh:
  10. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Or become a stock-broker. (that's the third one on my identical list... sales, politics, stock-broker... )
    • Like Like x 1
    • Funny Funny x 1
    • List
  11. lovemyson1

    lovemyson1 Active Member

    If these kids would just put their energy in careers instead of drugs they would be so successful!
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • Winner Winner x 1
    • List
  12. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    I have lost track of how many times I've told my son this exact statement.
    It just boggles the mind.
  13. lovemyson1

    lovemyson1 Active Member

    Well good news and bad! He did go to Victory Outreach last night! This is where he had a huge change last time. Thank God! However. His girlfriend informed me that he is caught on video stealing laptops at a home she was house sitting for. They are of course pressing charges as well as suing him. I feel bad for these people he has stolen from. I can't believe he would be so dumb! He's on probation so I'm assuming he will be prosecuted. My heart breaks bc he finally went for help and now may end up in jail most likely. I know he deserves it but I had hopes for his future and now my mommy heart is devastated. They don't know where he is so we're hoping he has time to get sober before things get worse.
  14. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member


    How heartbreaking!

    But think of it this way--he has to man-up and take responsibility for his actions.

    That will be part of the process of changing his life.

    Maybe this will stop him from committing even worse crimes for which he would get serious prison time.

    There is hope, if he chooses to take the right path.

    Keep posting and letting us know how it goes.

    • Agree Agree x 2
    • Like Like x 1
    • List
  15. lovemyson1

    lovemyson1 Active Member

    Thanks Apple.. You're right.. It's just so hard. And now we wait.
  16. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    I'm so sorry. If he goes to jail that will force sobriety which is a good thing.
    The different times my son was in jail they offered 12 step programs.
    If your son does go to jail you can always contact them and ask if they offer 12 step programs.

    ((HUGS)) for hurting mommy heart
  17. comatheart

    comatheart Active Member

    The ups and downs are just so exaughsting. I hope and pray you can turn your focus on your other family members. I fixated to much on my son and now my husband is walking away from our 18yr marraige. Addiction ruins families.
  18. lovemyson1

    lovemyson1 Active Member

    Awe comatheart I'm so sorry!
  19. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Me too comatheart :group-hug:
  20. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Let me in!