More info and Tony is getting the picture

[susiestar]

Just because you don't think the kids would go in there does NOT mean you shouldn't use this as another thing to help Tony see how Buck is nothing but a problem who needs to be kicked to the curb.

If Buck has cigs and gas and no job and he has dope to smoke? He is dealing and he is stealing and he is probably going to blame it all on you or Cory or the grandkids. I have a feeling that blaming the grands will be one thing that breaks Papa's wish to help him, as would endangering them. If he is dealing, he is likely to bring people to your home Occupational Therapist (OT) purchase or people hwo know where he lives could try to rob you. It may not be highly likely, but it is another logical worry to consult Tony over when the time is right.

Buck is a plague all by himself. WIth bedbugs added? I would want to go Old Testament on his tush.

 

[DammitJanet]

Im going to have to change my tactics completely because its more than obvious that getting tough isnt working at all. I have been talking with a friend who lives near me and they have pointed out that this is really doing a number on me and is not having the desired effect on anyone else. I need to change my strategy.

I need to try to make it more uncomfortable for Buck to stay here without it seeming like I am doing such things. Like last night I brought home a container of expensive soft serve frozen yogurt in Tony's favorite flavor and we shared it on the couch. I didnt bring him anything. He doesnt have the money for expensive goodies. I always have vanilla ice cream in the freezer.

Im trying to change gears in mid stream and start playing lovey lovey all over Tony in front of Buck. It makes him very uncomfortable. He either tries to get Tony's attention away from me or he goes off to his room. Tony doesnt like him breaking into our time because I dont do a whole lot of PDA's. Normally Tony and I can just read each other's minds so for me to start leaning on him or hugging him is a big change. Plus Im in a ton more pain for some reason that we cant figure out and Tony is REALLY worried about that so he is watching me limp around. Tony confided in me that Buck told him that he thinks I am trying to imitate him when I limp. As if. I have enough problems. And Tony knows it.

 

[buddy]

Probably a good idea. I bet everyone's right. He's stealing, dealing and using right from your home.

I've heard steam can work too...but they run from it so fast.

I'm so mad at him for doing this all to you!

 

[nerfherder]

Another thought - I don't know if you're in an incorporated area or not, but your law enforcement workers might be under the "bust your son and all possessions in the vehicle or structure he's in at the time" school of enforcement. That darned "Drug War" tactic, you know? So getting him out (even if that's no longer the case, it makes a great excuse for anyone resistant) gets a little more imperative.

 

[buddy]

Buck is Janet's SO's "brother " (Janet, did you ever say if he was legally adopted? )

Her own son is actually in law enforcement.

But the stories about Buck would lead anyone new to think this was a kid!!!!

 

[DammitJanet]

No he was never legally adopted but I dont even think he understands that this is a difference. Or maybe he really does and is far more savvy than most of the rest of them give him credit for which is what I have always said.

I think Buck has some form of Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) and/or Dependent personality disorder going on because he literally has never actually lived on his own. He has always lived with someone who kept him under control. That was either his family, work mates or girlfriends from time to time. If you listen to him at first you hear him talk about working in different states and you think...oh, this man who is 54 years old has worked his entire life and now he is hurt and disabled and unable to work. Umm, no. He worked a week or two here, and a couple of weeks there and then maybe a month there. In different years! Always someone else to provide for him because he wasnt capable to do it for himself. He always had an excuse. And it always had something to do with what someone did to him. Never what he did.

He has a huge chip on his shoulder which he wont admit at all about how he arrived in Tony's family. He supposedly was told that his bio family told Tony's parents that they could have "it" and he was the it. Now why anyone would tell him that I dont know. I dont think Tony's mother ever would have from what I have been told of her nature. Now Tony's father? I dont know. I think he had a harder character. I know he did. But whether he would have told a child that, I dont know. Buck could be making that up just to have people feeling sorry for him too. It is quite evident that Buck is not biologically related to the rest of the family.

 

[nerfherder]

Buck is Janet's SO's "brother " (Janet, did you ever say if he was legally adopted? )

Her own son is actually in law enforcement.

But the stories about Buck would lead anyone new to think this was a kid!!!!

Yah, my mistake.

Understandable (not beating myself up about it) since I know a few people in town here with "kids" like that. Between the damage Meth's done to so many, the reservation up the road, and the people who were trapped (or all three!) by the recession, (not to mention so many damaged by the two Gulf Wars) similar family problems around here are almost common.

(oh yeah, I finally had long enough sit-down time to set up a sig and an avatar. Go me. )

 

[1905]

He'll lie but, ask him how he got the gas and cig money. For all you know he has some little job thing and if you know about it.....well, then you just might want him to contribute some of "his" money. Why should he buy groceries and such, he can eat for free at your place? He'll have to come up with a legal reason, he certainly won't tell you he stole it from your change jar! Nor will he say he scammed people from church or deals drugs. Tony may be interested to see what lie he comes up with.

 

[Steely]

I think the sad thing here, is that adults aside, the kids are in danger.
If CPS were to be called, and they knew that the kids were coming to a house infested with bed bugs, and in a house that had a tenant that was doing drugs with a felony history, they would act with legal action.
Games with Tony, spying on Buck, eliminating the bug problem etc. is not going to solve the real problem that has been going on for 2 years.
If Tony won't take action, to keep the grand kids safe, than I am of the opinion that you should take legal action.
What is the most important thing here?

 

[DammitJanet]

I dont know that Buck is doing drugs. This is all speculation on this board. The proof of the matter is that he gets tested every month at his doctor and he passes a UA for the normal panel of drugs except the pain pills he is prescribed and that test wont show that he is not taking them as prescribed. I know he isnt selling drugs out of my house because absolutely no one comes to my house...no one. The only thing he makes that I think is out of the ordinary and could be somewhat illegal is what he calls Indian Art and I call paraphernalia....he makes little wooden handmade pot pipes. He puts beads and leather and feathers on them to make them into Indian Art Work. He carves them out of tree roots and sells them for about 25 bucks a piece. He also makes jewelry.

I am trying to get rid of the bed bugs. So far I am the only one they are bothering. No one else. Maybe they werent bed bugs. Maybe they were something else. I dont know. Or maybe I caught it fast enough. I havent gotten a new bite in a few days I dont think.

 

[AnnieO]

Bedbugs are annoying but harmless. They are not known to carry any diseases like roaches and mice do. Many people have an allergy to their bite, but it is very short-lived. CPS won't go berserk over bedbugs, especially if it can be shown that steps are being taken. And sometimes the allergy can come and go - you're bitten and don't even realize it.

Buck, on the other hand... Needs to go because he is dangerous to the mental health of the legal occupants.

 

[DammitJanet]

Well I dont know about that because even my psychiatrist just sits there and goes "you have told me about him before. he isnt going anywhere. face it. sigh." Im certainly not telling tony she says that. I know my old psychiatrist wouldnt be saying that and my old therapist is talking to me through email and trying to help me calm down and figure out a way to change my approach instead of getting furious and arguing constantly which just gets everyone defensive.

 

[rejectedmom]

You posted that you were cozying up to Tony and bought him special treats that yu shared. That is a behavior change that should help both you and Tony to calm down and reinforce your relationship. It is what I suggested a while back. I am glad to see you starting to put it into play. It will take time but I really believe it will work with continued practice.

I do understand your frustration My easy child/difficult child is still living here and he is a really good guy and he does help out around here if asked but he does get on my nerves with his quirkyness and the messes he leaves in the kitchen. He thinks that if he is sitting in the kitchen with a cup of cofee, which he does for hours at a time, he isn't done eating so therefore doesn't have to clean up the mess he made. Makes me crazy that the sink is always full of dishes when he is home. That he takes a fresh spoon and cup for each of his multiple cups of coffee and there isn't one for me when I need it. That he refuses to learn how to properly load the dishwasher and puts in huge pots and leaves all the dishes in the sink for the next load. That he never cleans out the strainer in the sink. That he eats after I clean the kitchen at night and leaves pots soaking overnight for me to deal with when I get up in the morning because he has to get to work and doesn't have time. That he took it upon himself to feed the dog and let him out in the AM but isn't consistant and I never know if it has been done cause he doesn't leave a note or text message. And the same with the cat box. I hate that my utility bills have increased over 32% since he moved back in because he runs the dishwasher so much and does multiple loads of laundry with only a couple items in them. And the list of gripes goes on and on yet doesn't even come close to your Buck.

I manage to keep myself sane with the mantra that he will eventually go back to his own place and only be here a couple days a week so we can monitor his behavior. You do not have that and I really feel for you. I think I would need a therapist and a live in maid if my son were to have to stay here indefinately. -RM

 

[DammitJanet]

RM, I have that same thing doubled...lol. I have Billy who I am trying to bide my time to get out but Tony is not on the same page with me there either. He thinks we should wait for him to be ready to go on his own too. Ugh. What is it with this man? I dont know why he doesnt want an empty nest. Now Billy doesnt bother us like Buck but it is time for Billy to go. Im hoping when he gets his settlement he will be willing to embark. He really does want to. Cory thinks Billy could get on with the same company he is working for so he wants him to apply for it. Billy would never be able to do to the climbing up the poles but they also need people on the ground putting the computers together and that is Billy up one side and down the other. This is great company and would be perfect for him. Never know, Cory and Billy could end up on the same jobs! In fact, they probably would if the company knew they were brothers just so they would have someone they each knew on the jobs.

Now Buck is simply being a lump holding down my couch. He is lying so much to all of us. I had told Tony yesterday on the phone about how when I helped Buck finish his paperwork for his SSI that he wouldnt let me help him with his papers from the mental health place. He told me they sent the bunch of papers home but all he had to do was sign his name to them. Well Tony told me that I should get him to show them to me so I could make sure that was all he had to do. I said no tony, you ask him you want to see them to make sure he had completed them correctly. So when tony got home last night and asked him...well suddenly there were no papers, he had completed them at their office and signed his name there!

I looked right at him and told him to his face in front of Tony...Buck you just told three different stories which is it? First yesterday you told us that they gave you a bunch of paperwork to fill out at home. Today when we finished your disability papers you told me that all you had to do with those papers was sign your name to them. This was after I asked you to bring them out so we could finish them too since we were doing all your paperwork. Now tonight when Tony is asking to check your paperwork, you tell him a third story that you didnt bring home any papers to sign. That is three different stories. They cannot all be true. Which is it and why did you feel the need to lie? He wouldnt answer.

When we sat down to eat, I told tony under my breath that nothing was going to change unless he confronted the lying. Tony attempted to but he didnt do a very good job. He just asked Buck about the case workers name. That wasnt what I would have done. I would have confronted him point blank on why he was lying.

Yesterday while he was just sitting around he told me he would be going out today to check on the places he supposedly applied last week. I told him the proper way to do that was to call the places and tell them that he had applied with them last week, ask them them if they had received his application and if they job opening was still available, and if there was anything he could do to encourage a face to face interview. He just went...emm. And ignored me. The man has almost no gas and he wants to use the little he has to wander all over where Im sure he didnt even apply? yeah right. Im pretty sure he wants to go out because he knows he hasnt applied anywhere.

I have told him point blank he isnt going to sit in his room all day doing nothing. If he isnt looking for work, then he has to work around the house. I have plenty for him to do. I have an entire spare bedroom that needs to be cleaned out. Oh well if he is disabled. You should have seen what he put down on his work history form about what he did on his last job and how much he lifted and carried and how long he stood on his feet. And that job was only a few months ago! Yeah...good going Buck...lmao. I just wrote what he told me to write. And he said the same things for all of his jobs. Im not thinking its looking too good for him. Of course they will send him to their doctors and he is over 50 with no HS diploma and he cant be trained for another job really. However when they ask him some of the questions about if he could do those jobs like in a potato chip factory or working in a toll both, he is likely to say yes. That will be his downfall.