more revelations

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by antsmom, Oct 21, 2007.

  1. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    I think as parents we cannot possibly know our children completely. sometimes we dont want to know their true natures.

    ant went to prison oct 17th. since then I have fielded several calls from women he has lied to, begged money from and been in sexual relationships with from as far away as Iowa. (550 miles)
    he had given my number to them to have them write to him. the first message was from Chrissy...a name I had not heard. she left a msg on my machine saying to tell anthony that the money order was on the way. next two calls were tearful ones from R, the gal he lived with the last three weeks at his apartment. R was truly a dear and I wondered why she put up wtih ant. there is also Becky, sheena, sarah, etc etc.

    all women have in common that they met him on the net or in person. he seduced them all but the one in Iowa, only because she had not gotten here yet. they all told stories of being sworn at, thrown out in the middle of the night, not knowing about one another til someone got angry and confronted the other women. R would go to work at 8pm as a waitress, in would come becky and/or sarah to ant's apartment. both becky and sarah went to R's work and told her this the day ant left. I talked to them and as gently as I could told them to not send money and that they were not the only ones, that ant will be gone a long time and they should find good men. Poor R was truly a nice girl, taken in by ant whom she only knew 3 weeks. I have been asking these women why in the world they would stay with someone so mean and angry. they all said "he promised he would change" " I love him" R had no idea of the other women and his true nature.

    I have his cellphone as he was intent on keeping it for numbers etc. It is shut off but I took a look in there. shocking pics he took of women in various undress, some they emailed him-very pornographic, doing things to themselves. all disgusting and sad. there were very graphic text messages from many women.

    one of the most disturbing revelations was several closeups of a guy I met who was with ant off and on. this guy had stayed at my house a few days with ant and boyfriend while they did roofing in this area so I knew him to be college educated, polite and meek. the closeups were of the guy's bloody black eye. some had ant and this guy's faces together, ant looking tough and the guy expressionless but with his black bloody eye that looked like it needed stitches.

    found out thru boyfriend that ant had slugged the guy over a girl. he cold cocked him in a car. the guy did not hit back. he was a drug user in jail now, and apparently was ant's punching bag on more than one occasion when he was under the influence. :sad:

    I have not heard before of ant being so violent with a guy. ant has been beat up nearly to death but this time he caused the damage.

    I cannot tell you how sorrowful this makes me feel. I am horrified to be his mother. I deleted all the objectionable photos from the phone and locked it for now. in fact I do not know how to unlock it and it will stay that way. I am problem going to toss it out. Ant is much sicker than orig thought... much more dangerous, angry and volatile.

    he does not do drugs by all accounts/his substance of choice is alcohol. I was not sure if the drugs were out of his life but they are. and yes, I know alcohol is a drug. it makes him violent and brings out the rage.

    I do not plan on visiting ant or taking kaleb at all. in fact Kaleb should not have any contact with him for a very long time until he gets help somehow.

    I called his probation officer in the other county that is looking for him and left a message where ant is so that the other county can pursue the probation violation as well. he needs to be held tight and if he can be retrained to enter society again one day, so be it. if not, he will have to be institutionalized when it is warranted. he was bound to cause some one some time some serious harm. By God's intervention, he is in jail. I am glad and I mean it but it brings tears to my eyes to know his anger is so bad and he has hurt people. :9-07tears:
     
  2. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    By the way there is no way I would want anyone to write to him, for those of you who have offered to do so. you can see why.
     
  3. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    OMG, I am so sorry. So so sorry. You will need a long time to heal. Please take care of yourself.
    {{{{hugs}}}}
     
  4. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    Janet, the knowledge that your son is so damaged is heart wrenching. I think many of us on the board live with hope that the next "monster" who commits a violent crime won't be our sons (or daughters) but I am one who truely understands your pain. I know that my son is capable of horrendous acts against humanity--if he chooses to let the "ugliness" out. I pray every night that he stays clean because the drugs and alcohol make him a different person. God bless you and a big hug for your pain.
     
  5. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    that is it exactly. :9-07tears:
    only God can help him.
    I truly believe that ant has moved from ODD to Conduct Disorder to Anti-social personality disorder. He fits it to a T.


    The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-IV, currently DSM-IV-TR), a widely used manual for diagnosing mental and behavioral disorders, defines antisocial personality disorder as a pervasive pattern of disregard for and violation of the rights of others occurring since age 15vc, as indicated by three (or more) of the following:

    failure to conform to social norms with respect to lawful behaviors as indicated by repeatedly performing acts that are grounds for arrest
    deceitfulness, as indicated by repeated lying, use of aliases, or conning others for personal profit or pleasure
    impulsivity or failure to plan ahead
    irritability and aggressiveness, as indicated by repeated physical fights or assaults
    reckless disregard for safety of self or others
    consistent irresponsibility, as indicated by repeated failure to sustain steady work or honor financial obligations
    lack of remorse, as indicated by being indifferent to or rationalizing having hurt, mistreated, or stolen from another

    The manual lists the following additional necessary criteria:

    There is evidence of conduct disorder with onset before age 15 years.
     
  6. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    OMG.........I just do not know what to day, except how sorry I am. My son just turned 17, and I know the fears that permeate my heart every day about his future. You are living it. And I am so, so sorry.

    It sounds like not only is he addicted to booze, but also to women, porn, and rage. He is very sick.

    I will continue to pray for you, Kaleb, and Ant. Somehow, someway, there has to still be hope. I think you are doing the right thing in keeping Kaleb far away from someone like that, even if it is his father, his visits should be supervised.

    You are in my thoughts.
     
  7. Marcie Mac

    Marcie Mac Just Plain Ole Tired

    Am so sorry Janet

    Marcie
     
  8. Stella Johnson

    Stella Johnson Active Member

    I'm sorry you had to hear all this from the girls. Amazing they think so little of themselves that they are willing to stick around to put up with Ant's behavior.

    I agree about not taking Kaleb to see him. Ant has to find a way within himself to fix his problems. Alcohol isn't the answer for anyone.

    (((hugs)))

    Steph
     
  9. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Well, I guess you didn't need that list, but there it is, in b&w. He is sick. I feel for Kaleb, too. What plans does anyone have for Kaleb?
    More hugs. {{{ }}}
     
  10. goldenguru

    goldenguru New Member

    You are not the first nor the last parent to realize that you were only seeing the 'tip of iceberg'. It's a terrible realization I know.

    I'm very sorry Janet. You have been a good mom ... don't forget that. OK?

    We will continue to pray for Ant ... his heart is God's job. Ant has big troubles ... but we serve an even bigger God.

    Hugs.
     
  11. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Janet, I am so sorry that you had to learn more than you ever wanted to know. It is disheartening. But, at least you know now that you will not take Kaleb to see him. I think that is a good idea.

    HUGS! for your hurting mommy heart.

    :crying:
     
  12. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Oh Janet.

    The words just won't come. I am weeping for you, and I just can't come up with words.

    God bless and keep you. God have mercy on Anthony. God hold Kaleb in His loving arms.

    I am so sorry.
     
  13. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    failure to conform to social norms with respect to lawful behaviors as indicated by repeatedly performing acts that are grounds for arrest
    deceitfulness, as indicated by repeated lying, use of aliases, or conning others for personal profit or pleasure
    impulsivity or failure to plan ahead
    irritability and aggressiveness, as indicated by repeated physical fights or assaults
    reckless disregard for safety of self or others
    consistent irresponsibility, as indicated by repeated failure to sustain steady work or honor financial obligations
    lack of remorse, as indicated by being indifferent to or rationalizing having hurt, mistreated, or stolen from another


    Sounds like my difficult child---fits him to a T. It's a heartbreaking thing to think this about your own son!
     
  14. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    I'm so sorry. I can only imagine your pain. Just don't you be ashamed. You didn't raise him to be this way, your other son is proof of that. These were his choices.
     
  15. saving grace

    saving grace New Member

    I am so sorry Janet. I am speechless.

    Grace
     
  16. WhymeMom?

    WhymeMom? No real answers to life..

    It is a mystery to me how the "ants of the world" (and this includes my son) have this charisma to attract the type of girls who would put up with such treatment. I have always thought my son was non-violent, but I really don't know all the things he has done. He can be so charming and entertaining and he has that sense of knowing what you want to hear....

    If only it were directed in a positive manner....

    Sorry you had to learn of these things.....you just never imagine these things could be a part of your child's life.....

    :sad:
     
  17. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Janet, I am sorry that you are having to go through this. I know that you feel that only God can help Tony. I think it's fair to say that only Tony can help Tony. Perhaps he will find that help through God. All these women, and all these possible future children. I hope that he will at some point consider a vasectomy. It's doubtful that he will ever be a responsible parent.

    I know you are heartbroken. Enjoy Kaleb, and be at peace that Tony can't take advantage of or hurt anyone outside the prison system for now.
     
  18. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Janet,
    I'm so sorry :sad:
     
  19. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Janet...

    You know I have had to come to terms with that Personality disorder criteria before. I read it, I studied it, and the more I thought about it the more it really freed me. None of my kids problems are because of me...its all on him and his decisions. Only he can make the choices to change his life. Its not like I can find the magic pill to fix his personality.

    With bipolar or any other chemical imbalance I was always searching for the right pill to make his brain chemicals work right...but with this...naw...its on him to work hard on WANTING to live right. He (or anyone with a personality disorder) has to make the conscious decision to want to change their life before they can get help...and that isnt going to happen unless they believe they are having a problem and most ASPD folks thing the rest of us have the problems.

    It freed me to detach enough from his choices to know I couldnt do anymore. It wasnt my fault. It isnt your fault.

    ASPD is the toughest PD to have. There are a few of us on here who have these kids. Being their parents is heartbreaking.
     
  20. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Janet, I am so sorry to hear this. I know how much you were hoping to turn things around.

    I agree, he has to get help before you can step in again. And a strong suggestion - do not throw away the phone. Anything more you find, do not delete or discard. Take notes. All those girls - get contact details, take notes again. Shove it all in a box and put it in the attic. Because things now could go two ways:
    1) Ant will get his act together, straighten up and change his ways; or
    2) Ant will only get worse and next time he gets out will be a major concern.

    If 1), then the stuff you find and the records you keep can stay in the attic. But if 2), you may need as much as you can, to keep Ant away from Kaleb, legally, until he straightens up. Assuming he can, if this gets any worse.

    Marg
     
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