More than I can handle...

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by ksm, Feb 22, 2016.

  1. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    Now youngest is officially a Difficult Child. She is 15 going on 21. The past year and a half have been awful. But, I thought I was seeing improvement so I kept hoping it was just teenage angst. It's more, definitely more.

    Last year when she was 14 and starting high school, she fell hard for the wrong teen boy. There were 3 years age difference, he had a history of juvenile offenses. It was on again off again for several months. Then in Jan 2015, I went to wake her up for school and she was gone and 2nd story bedroom window was open. We called police and she was found at his house. She was taken to juvenile office, where she made veiled threats to self harm if she couldn't be with him. They had me take to mental health clinic, where she did the same. They sent us for admission to a mental health facility 150 miles away. 3 days there, then followed with local therapist. In June 2015, she snuck out during the night, with the plans to get back home before we knew. It started raining, so we got up during night to close windows. Again, Gone. Called police. The police must have got to his house before she did, as they didn't find her. She continued to hide in the community for 3 days. She came home, and we had to notify the police, who took her back to JV. They released her later that day, and eventually in July, we had to go to court, the judge ordered a no contact order between them, she got court services monitoring for 6 months. Completed her 6months and everything was dropped. now he is 18 and she is 15...and he is back in the picture again!!!

    I have called the court and asked if they could put the restraining order back in place. Nope. I called her probation officer and tried to get help that way. He couldn't do anything, but transferred my call to the probation officer for the now adult young man. He wants me to contact the police with the info I have. I waited over the weekend and just kept close tabs on her. She tried to see him last night, saying it was a guy we know and trust...but when we insisted that the guy come to the door, she lost it. This other kid has always walked her to the door and said hello. So we know it was the 18yo. Then husband said he would walk out with her and he would say hello...and she said they had to leave.

    Well today, the 18yo called her at school and let her know that I had talked to his probation officer. OnMyGoodness. She is ballistic! How could I try to ruin his life and her future!!! I explained that he is responsible for his actions, the same as she is. That if I was trying to ruin his life, I would have gone to the police. She said I should have talked to her first. I told her I had been trying, but she denied any involvement with him.

    I had a feeling the guy had been meeting her on school property, and the principal and security officer is aware and caught it on film. They said he would be arrested if he returns to school property.

    I know I need to stand firm, but I have heard how much she hates us so much In the last 24 hours. She has threatened to cut herself (has done it in the past) and also veiled threats of killing herself. I believe these are manipulation a to try and get her way and keep him out of trouble by deflecting it all on herself.

    So tired... I have been playing detective for a week or more and the copies of texts I have is probably enough to get him in major trouble, but, I really don't want to chance dtr going to foster care, if I can help it. But, if it comes to that, I guess it is a possibility... KSM
     
  2. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    Oh, he has probation for shoplifting and also for domestic battery of last girlfriend. In our state the legal age of consent is 16...

    And Difficult Child doesn't know that I have been hacking her texts for the last 2 weeks... But I did screen shots and can print them if I need to. They are on my iPad... And I will be canceling the phone soon, but as long as I can keep tabs on her, I have left it on. But will shut it down in a few days... KSM
     
  3. pigless in VA

    pigless in VA Active Member

    I'm so sorry, ksm. I know all of this is breaking your heart. The only thing I could think to suggest was that you take away her phone. I was thinking, as I'm sure you are, that if she doesn't have it that it will be much harder for this undesirable boyfriend to contact her. You may not like this idea, but if she were my daughter, I'd also put her on birth control. She sounds like she is "in love" with this newly-fledged adult. All the sneaking around for long periods of time is very concerning.

    Sending you some extra helpings of strength ~~~~~
     
  4. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    We did bc pills a year ago, the first time I knew she had snuck out. Unfortunately, she refuses to take them because she felt they made her gain weight. I will be taking the phone away, but right now, she hasn't figured out I can see texts... I bought the phone and set it up, and she has a code to unlock phone, but I can go in to my account and look up texts... So a few more days won't hurt. The last time this happened,we took away her iPod (she didn't have a phone) and a friend gave her another device to log on to wifi with. Older sister was given an actual phone with service by one of her loser guy friends a few years ago. Plus, she will get on friends electonics at school. Been there, done that. I can't see FB messages, or snap chat, or anything else... Just texts... KSM
     
  5. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    I have sons so can't relate but I wish you well. I'm sure she thinks she's in love and gosh that's a hard one but I see your concerns. How do you see texts though? That's really interesting. I have a 20 year old son that uses his phone for things he shouldn't so would love to be able to keep tabs on texts.
     
  6. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm sorry KSM. It sounds like you are doing all the right things but it is so hard to listen to our kids tell us how much they hate us. Sending some gentle hugs your way.
     
  7. Sister's Keeper

    Sister's Keeper Active Member

    She is 15 and he is 18 and the age of consent is 16 in your state? Have you gone to the police station directly to press charges? It seems, given the age, and the fact that you have him on tape, that you would be able to press charges.

    I would go directly to your local police station and ask to press charges.
     
  8. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    RN0441 - on my iPad I downloaded a free texting app, TextNow. They had ads about a pay as you go phone thru them. The phone was free, a refurbished smart phone, and I set up the account and activated it. I did not keep the TextNow phone number but set up a different number. I gave her the phone back in November. It is $18.99 a month with unlimited phone and texts and .5G of high speed data. After you use up the high speed data, you still have unlimited data at a slower speed. It covers a smaller area than my verizon phone, but is adequate coverage for the town we live in.

    A month ago, she didn't come home when expected, and wouldn't answer the phone. So I thought about canceling her service, went to "my account" at the TextNow website, and there was a log in button! I remembered I had put her initials and last name as the ID, and a series of 4 digits that she would remember. And poof... I was in!

    I have been taking screen shots of pertinent info and getting ready to print things out. I will probably have to go to the police.

    I just use my TextNow app when I am at home where I have wifi. I still use a flip phone for calls. But, I see I will probably take back the phone I gave her, and let her use my flip phone if and when I let her out of the house. KSM
     
    • Informative Informative x 1
    • List
  9. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    Sisters Keeper - I will probably have to go to the police, because I don't think either one of them is smart enough to realize you don't mess with this grandma. He texted her that his probation officer talked to him about not having a relationship with a 15yo girl, that he could get in serious trouble... I got lots of texts from her furious because I talked to his PO. I could have ruined HIS life! And that she would always love him...etc...etc... She had a detention yesterday after school for 30 minutes for tardies. I told her I would pick her up at 4 at school. She didn't show up for ride home. Found out she didn't show up for detention. Won't answer phone. Finally she calls and is sobbing, saying she walked home because "he" told her he never wanted to see her again. I thought Yea! I thought the PO finally talked some sense in to his head.

    But, after all the hysterical sobbing on the phone, she seemed fine 30 minutes later. Had a driving class for one hour... Still fine... Wanted to eat before another meeting she had later... Took her to the meeting... Still fine.

    I checked texts today, and they are still texting and calling, I only see "missed calls" and texts. And yes, it was all a hoax.

    The school security is keeping their eyes open for him, and also if she leaves. It is a fairly large high school with 5 buildings, kind of like a small college campus. Hard to keep track of everyone... KSM
     
  10. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    I have tried talking to her and explaining that at her age we are held responsible for her behavior. She just doesn't get it. She says no one will blame us for what she does. She said didn't care if she ended up in juvenile detention....better than living with us. I explained that It is not free, and they expect parents to pay quote a large fee for being in the system, like child support, but more!

    To make the situation even worse, she texted boyfriend that her "mom" is moving back to our town before older sis turns 18 and she will just move in with mom. Which is March 20th. Biomom is a hot mess and has been living 1500 miles away. She is now 48. Older dtr also told me the same info, and that her mom wanted her to drive past a house advertised for rent and wanted her to drive by and see what it looked like. Supposedly she found it online, and this 2BD house was renting for $109.00 a month! What adult believes that! We drove by and I bet you would be lucky to get it for $1000.00 a month!! What adult thinks you can rent a house for $109????

    We see daughter's psychologist Monday afternoon... Will have a frank discussion, and if things are still going on with trying to sneak and see boyfriend, then I guess I have no choice but to contact police. I still have the phone on, as it is the only way I will know if she is trying to see him.

    Older daughter and I went to DBT class, our third one, and I was hoping I could see improvement. I guess I have, because I am improving. She still doesn't get that she also needs to improve. I guess she thinks I can adapt to her, and the world will to.

    4 day weekend, no school, this is not going to be fun... KSM
     
Loading...