Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
General Parenting
Moronic mother in law's
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 194215" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Just to clarify - what I actually said was, "If you could sit down and talk commonsense with these people, chances are they would admit to a huge fear that there could be something seriously wrong and not easily fixable."</p><p></p><p>I wasn't suggesting that we should try to do this - it was in the same realms as, "If we could change the Earth's gravitational field to one that was half-strength, we would find our weight problems would also be halved."</p><p></p><p>Sometimes we are close enough to talk to them. Sometimes just asking them how they feel can be enough to get at least SOME information on what makes them tick - because for a lot of grandparents like this, it is very much about THEM (so yes, there can be a chance that they will respond with some information, if the topic is about them).</p><p></p><p>But if the problems are this bad then often you're way beyond being able to talk one-on-one.</p><p></p><p>There have been times when I look back, when I would never have believed that mother in law & I could ever be as close as we are. But for me - I figure that at my age, I've learned a great deal and taken the information on board, on how people tick. I've got no advantages tat aren't also available to other people my age or older, but I made a choice to try to use all the knowledge and experience, in trying to understand other people.</p><p></p><p>In my relationship to mother in law, I put in a great deal of effort. She isn't easy. She's even worse if you rub her the wrong way (as I used to do before husband & I married). If she takes a 'set' against you, it takes a long time and a lot of work to undo it. Some people just don't bother.</p><p></p><p>I also follow the concept that husband had to come from someone with some good in them. Nobody can be all bad, it's just a matter of finding the good side and working from there. I also had to be sure that the effort would be worth it - in our case, I think it is. But depending on how toxic a person can be, you have to make different choices.</p><p></p><p>I also learned, back when I was a kid, to play this as a game. I would see someone who was especially difficult, someone who scared people or intimidated them, and make a quiet bet with myself to crack their shell in some way. Nobody else ever needed to know. But a difficult or cranky teacher at school, for example, or maybe the school cleaner (janitor) or similar; a neighbour who never said a kind word to anyone, a person I might see in their garden who would turn the hose onto any kid who paused to look over the fence - I would try to make friends. Not easy. Often it didn't work. But sometimes it did. </p><p></p><p>If it didn't work, then at least I knew I had tried. And if it did - then I had a new friend and sometimes a really fascinating story as for why they were like that.</p><p></p><p>If you play this game, the really fun thing is that the object of the game itself is friendship. There is no other vested interest. So if the person gets suspicious and tries to look for the 'catch' - there isn't one! And if the person you're trying to befriend is actually a really nasty piece of work - then simply the process of trying to be friends with them for no valid reason, can really drive them crazy!</p><p></p><p>With mother in law, I've learnt that if she holds a different opinion to me on anything, it's best to not raise that topic at all. If she raises it, I try to avoid responding. I try to anticipate her needs and help her at the same time as helping us - as last weekend, I was spraying for lawn weeds, something I know she hasn't the strength or energy to do. It was no trouble for me to do her lawn as well, and it means (if the treatment is successful) that I can walk on her lawn barefoot over summer. Doing her a favour with no apparent benefit to me, and no expectation of her doing anything for me - this is the sort of thing that can break down barriers and preconceptions.</p><p></p><p>But only if your relationship is already close enough to do this. </p><p></p><p>In the process of working on the relationship, I have learned a lot more about mother in law's character, as well as sister in law's character. It also helps me have a better understanding of how husband's personality was formed.</p><p></p><p>There were times in the past when I kept a much lower profile with mother in law. I felt I needed to. And even now - I always tread carefully. Frankly, the easiest way is to keep "Explosive Child" methods firmly in my mind, and use the baskets. It's not just for kids!</p><p></p><p>Mind you, anybody tries to communicate with me through a third person, especially a child - they'll have me right in their face. You do not use children like tools, or like some sort of communication device. And you certainly shouldn't be teaching a child to argue with their mother about anything the mother has required in terms of their behaviour, their clothing, their standards in any way. I'd be taking the child by the hand and leaving the room, with the child. if that means leaving the argumentative person in the room on their own - so be it. But the child should not be subjected to such contentious, confusing messages. it's immoral. </p><p></p><p>And the people who then 'justify' what they were doing/saying with, "But I was only joking" (mother in law does this sometimes) are showing their own insecurities (you just successfully called them on it) while trying to attack your own and implying that you are over-reacting. I usually respond with, "We don't have that kind of humour in our family." Or I ignore it. It's not funny.</p><p></p><p>I suspect mother in law does this because it was done to her as a child. I have noticed she does this the most when she is feeling off-balance in some way. If I can, I then try to probe - why is she feeling uneasy? Sometimes it's as simple as finding out what is REALLY worrying her, and reassuring her.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 194215, member: 1991"] Just to clarify - what I actually said was, "If you could sit down and talk commonsense with these people, chances are they would admit to a huge fear that there could be something seriously wrong and not easily fixable." I wasn't suggesting that we should try to do this - it was in the same realms as, "If we could change the Earth's gravitational field to one that was half-strength, we would find our weight problems would also be halved." Sometimes we are close enough to talk to them. Sometimes just asking them how they feel can be enough to get at least SOME information on what makes them tick - because for a lot of grandparents like this, it is very much about THEM (so yes, there can be a chance that they will respond with some information, if the topic is about them). But if the problems are this bad then often you're way beyond being able to talk one-on-one. There have been times when I look back, when I would never have believed that mother in law & I could ever be as close as we are. But for me - I figure that at my age, I've learned a great deal and taken the information on board, on how people tick. I've got no advantages tat aren't also available to other people my age or older, but I made a choice to try to use all the knowledge and experience, in trying to understand other people. In my relationship to mother in law, I put in a great deal of effort. She isn't easy. She's even worse if you rub her the wrong way (as I used to do before husband & I married). If she takes a 'set' against you, it takes a long time and a lot of work to undo it. Some people just don't bother. I also follow the concept that husband had to come from someone with some good in them. Nobody can be all bad, it's just a matter of finding the good side and working from there. I also had to be sure that the effort would be worth it - in our case, I think it is. But depending on how toxic a person can be, you have to make different choices. I also learned, back when I was a kid, to play this as a game. I would see someone who was especially difficult, someone who scared people or intimidated them, and make a quiet bet with myself to crack their shell in some way. Nobody else ever needed to know. But a difficult or cranky teacher at school, for example, or maybe the school cleaner (janitor) or similar; a neighbour who never said a kind word to anyone, a person I might see in their garden who would turn the hose onto any kid who paused to look over the fence - I would try to make friends. Not easy. Often it didn't work. But sometimes it did. If it didn't work, then at least I knew I had tried. And if it did - then I had a new friend and sometimes a really fascinating story as for why they were like that. If you play this game, the really fun thing is that the object of the game itself is friendship. There is no other vested interest. So if the person gets suspicious and tries to look for the 'catch' - there isn't one! And if the person you're trying to befriend is actually a really nasty piece of work - then simply the process of trying to be friends with them for no valid reason, can really drive them crazy! With mother in law, I've learnt that if she holds a different opinion to me on anything, it's best to not raise that topic at all. If she raises it, I try to avoid responding. I try to anticipate her needs and help her at the same time as helping us - as last weekend, I was spraying for lawn weeds, something I know she hasn't the strength or energy to do. It was no trouble for me to do her lawn as well, and it means (if the treatment is successful) that I can walk on her lawn barefoot over summer. Doing her a favour with no apparent benefit to me, and no expectation of her doing anything for me - this is the sort of thing that can break down barriers and preconceptions. But only if your relationship is already close enough to do this. In the process of working on the relationship, I have learned a lot more about mother in law's character, as well as sister in law's character. It also helps me have a better understanding of how husband's personality was formed. There were times in the past when I kept a much lower profile with mother in law. I felt I needed to. And even now - I always tread carefully. Frankly, the easiest way is to keep "Explosive Child" methods firmly in my mind, and use the baskets. It's not just for kids! Mind you, anybody tries to communicate with me through a third person, especially a child - they'll have me right in their face. You do not use children like tools, or like some sort of communication device. And you certainly shouldn't be teaching a child to argue with their mother about anything the mother has required in terms of their behaviour, their clothing, their standards in any way. I'd be taking the child by the hand and leaving the room, with the child. if that means leaving the argumentative person in the room on their own - so be it. But the child should not be subjected to such contentious, confusing messages. it's immoral. And the people who then 'justify' what they were doing/saying with, "But I was only joking" (mother in law does this sometimes) are showing their own insecurities (you just successfully called them on it) while trying to attack your own and implying that you are over-reacting. I usually respond with, "We don't have that kind of humour in our family." Or I ignore it. It's not funny. I suspect mother in law does this because it was done to her as a child. I have noticed she does this the most when she is feeling off-balance in some way. If I can, I then try to probe - why is she feeling uneasy? Sometimes it's as simple as finding out what is REALLY worrying her, and reassuring her. Marg [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
General Parenting
Moronic mother in law's
Top