Mother and daughter

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Brokenheart61, Mar 29, 2014.

  1. Brokenheart61

    Brokenheart61 New Member

    My daughter and her husband and four kids moved from Jacksonville to Ohio about three years ago when they first moved she would call me once in a while but about A year ago she stopped and I thought that maybe something bad happened all kinds of thoughts ran through my mind so I called the police in her town to check on her and the rest of the family somehow I thought I was doing the right thing after that I did get the call but not at all what I expected she was so mad she told me not to call her anymore that she would call me its over a year and my heart is so Broken I feel like I can't breath sometimes I cry all the time please help me please so broken
     
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi, there. I can not tell you how sorry I am for your broken mommy heart. I adopted a child who walked away from the family and I had a very hard time with it.

    Can you give us a history on your daughter? I'm guessing this did not just come out of thin air and that perhaps she has been problematic before this.

    There is nothing more cruel a child can do to us than to reject us completely and I really feel badly for you that this happened. Is your daughter an addict of any kind or does she maybe have some mental health issues?
     
  3. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    Welcome, Broken.

    Our children can be sources of such joy for us Broken, or they can leave us feeling destroyed. I am so sorry this is happening to you, so sorry you don't have the loving attention you need from your daughter and your grandchildren right now.

    Things can change, Broken. None of us knows what tomorrow may bring. In the meantime, the most valuable thing you could do is to become the best, healthiest you you know how to be.

    I have asked the police to do a welfare check on my daughter and grandchildren more than once too, Broken. You did nothing wrong in making that call.

    Are you seeing someone to help you cope with the sadness you feel, Broken? That would be a good place to start, I think. If you call your county's Social Services department, they will be able to help you know where and how to begin and pay for those services.

    I am sorry your daughter feels as she does Broken. There are times when, once we know they are alright and there is nothing we can do to help them, we need to respect our children's wishes. If this is your daughter's choice, for whatever reason, that is alright, Broken. Her decision to have no contact for a time does not change who you are. Her decision does not affect your value as a human being.

    There are so many hurting people in the world, Broken.

    You can help.

    There is a place for you, a place you will be cherished and respected and loved. Your daughter will have to work through her issues with you on her own. One day, she may call. One day, she probably will. But until she does Broken, it will help you to decide you are going to take charge of your own life, of your own time.

    There are so many people who need you, Broken.

    People who are dying alone in Hospice or in a hospital somewhere, children or elementary schools who need a grandmother type to cherish and to love and to teach love, by her simple presence; dogs and cats at an animal shelter near you who need petting, who need human contact and love and care before they are adopted or euthanized.

    There is a whole life waiting for you out there, Broken.

    Please don't let your daughter's nastiness toward you determine whether you will choose to treat yourself badly, too.

    Life is precious, and seems to pass in a snap of the fingers, Broken.

    However you feel right this minute, determine to celebrate your life.

    We will be right here, Broken. We have been where you are, right now. Each of us has had to reclaim her life, has had to choose joy and passion and commitment.

    You can do this, Broken.

    Cedar
     
  4. tryagain

    tryagain Active Member

    Brokenhearted mom, I am so sorry to read this. I have a difficult child daughter who has broken my heart many times, too. It is a pain like no other. However, you have come to the right place. This forum has many wise women on it and you will receive great advice. The caring words here have pulled me through many a rough patch. Reread what Midwest Mom and Cedar said above. Also read the article on detachment at the top of the list. Many hugs to you this day.
     
  5. Brokenheart61

    Brokenheart61 New Member

    I'm sorry to hear that your heart is going through something similar to mine has moms we always think it was something we did and we wreck our minds trying to figure out what we did wrong Broken Hearted 61

    Sent using ConductDisorders mobile app
     
  6. Brokenheart61

    Brokenheart61 New Member

    Today I sit here so sad so empty I used to drive now I'm hopeless where do I go what do I do I feel like I've lost her forever and iam losing myself a little everyday until there's nothing left of me but a shell

    Sent using ConductDisorders mobile app
     
  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Do you have others who love you? SO? Family? Other children? Friends? Any hobbies you love to do? Any groups you enjoy?

    You are a person, apart from your adult child and her family. Many of us have been estranged from a child and it hurts and we do have to grieve. But, believe it or not, time is your friend. I am worried for you. Please do try to get out of bed and go about your life, attempting to find enjoyment. Or do get a therapist. You can not predict the future. Things could very well change. Until then, you are still alive and need to find ways of coping with this.

    Gentle hugs.
     
    • Like Like x 1
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • Winner Winner x 1
    • List
  8. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Broken,

    I am sorry you are going through this..... this may not be forever. Things change.

    The first thing that came to my mind is what is her husband like? Is he a good guy or is he very controlling? One of the tactics of abusive partners is to do everything they can to isolate their partners from people who love them and give them support... that way it is much harder for the person to leave.

    So I would do what you can to keep the door open so when your daughter is ready she can contact you and know you will be there.... and at the same time do everything you can to take care of you.

    And I think you did absolutely the right thing to call the police to do a well being check on her.

    I think what I might do is to write to her and tell her that you love her, she might not want to have contact with you but you want to know that at least she is alive and doing well... and that if she wont let you know herself that you will call the police to check on her.

    Believe me people do well being checks all the time... it is not an unusual police call!

    TL


    Sent using ConductDisorders mobile app
     
  9. Brokenheart61

    Brokenheart61 New Member

    I thought about what you said and you're right I have another daughter and two other grandchildren starting today I am going to redirect my negative energy to positive energy and stop being so selfish it's not all about me so I'm going to snap out of it and start doing more things with my youngest daughter and my granddaughter and grandson that's right here with me and let god take care of the rest. Thank you

    Sent using ConductDisorders mobile app
     
    • Winner Winner x 2
    • Like Like x 1
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • Optimistic Optimistic x 1
    • List
  10. Brokenheart61

    Brokenheart61 New Member

    Toughlovin

    He is very quiet around other people but after all these years of watching I think he is sneaky you've brought up a good point I will write her with caution in case he
    READS IT
    THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR SUPPORT And Taking the time to read this





    Sent using ConductDisorders mobile app
     
  11. SeekingStrength

    SeekingStrength Well-Known Member

    Hi Broken,

    This is are tough times. I am so very happy to read that you are going to concentrate on the other daughter and grandchildren for now...and letting God take care of the rest.

    What you are feeling is normal. This is a shock to our system. But, you deciding to get back up and be kind to yourself and those who treat you right----that will help you a great deal.

    Stay close to the board. Keep us posted on your progress, good days and bad. It will help you go get your thoughts down and the feedback sure comes in handy.



    Seeking Strength
     
    • Like Like x 1
    • Winner Winner x 1
    • List
  12. Brokenheart61

    Brokenheart61 New Member

    Thank you and I will keep you posted

    Sent using ConductDisorders mobile app
     
  13. Brokenheart61

    Brokenheart61 New Member

    Today is very good spending it with my youngest daughter and grandson ,grandaughter
    Staying after school for cheerleading practice making plans to go to Disneyland this weekend


    Sent using ConductDisorders mobile app
     
    • Like Like x 3
    • Winner Winner x 1
    • List
  14. Echolette

    Echolette Well-Known Member

    Be with the ones who value you. Don't throw away their love and kindness in your grief and loss. Leave the door open to the other one...who knows what is going on in her life...life is long, she may come around. In the meantime, there is nothing that Mickey Mouse can't cure!!!

    Echo
     
    • Agree Agree x 2
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
    • List
  15. Brokenheart61

    Brokenheart61 New Member

    Thanks I'll give him a hug especial for you

    Sent using ConductDisorders mobile app
     
  16. Brokenheart61

    Brokenheart61 New Member

    I was just sitting here thinking what if something is wrong with my oldest daughter and that's why she's not calling me

    Sent using ConductDisorders mobile app
     
  17. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    If there were something wrong, the hospital would call.

    Have you done some special things for yourself, today? You have been doing an incredible job, Broken. It will get easier to change those old patterns, the longer you continue enriching your life with the things and the people you love, and who love you.

    You are entitled to trustworthy relationship, Broken. You do not need to settle.

    Can you post a little bit about what you are feeling?

    Cedar
     
  18. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I think she has made it pretty clear that not knowing why she hasn't called is the status quo. What did you learn when you called the police? That she was alive. Did you learn why she didn't call you? If you learned why could you change her mind? That's actually a trick question because you can't actually change anyone's mind about something like this. Butter or margarine? Yes. I don't want to talk to my mother? Nope. That's on her.

    I understand your fear and curiosity. I also know if you force contact with her you will come out of it hurt and looking bad. If you really want to talk to her, send her a card saying, "I miss you. Please call any time you'd like to talk. Love, Mom". She can't read anything into that. She's already made her position on contact with you clear. If you unburden yourself or question her motives you're asking for more trouble than you have already.

    I am in a similar yet opposite position. I got into an argument with my father 16 years ago and my entire family chose sides. Not one chose mine, although I really didn't think that there were sides, and I haven't heard from a single one of them since then. But manipulative people will manipulate. I find that it's best to not give them ammunition to hurt me with. Sometimes they can find ammunition if you try to contact them, sometimes they can even find ammunition if you avoid contact with them. My advice is to try to get on with your life and avoid doing anything that will give your daughter ammunition to hurt you. Questioning her decision to not call you is about the biggest bullet you can give her.

    I think that you might want to look into grief counseling. You've lost your daughter, and you're right to mourn that. Being right doesn't make it easy, and you seem very sad. Sad is no way to go through life.
     
    • Like Like x 2
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • Winner Winner x 1
    • List
  19. I like this very simple statement. My difficult child has taken my smile for so long now, with the help of this forum, I am trying to take it back. Right now he is playing the game of, if you won't let me move back in and you won't give me money, you don't love me. It hurts cause he doesn't want to talk about anything else. I want to help him form a plan, but every suggestion is deflected. Giving it God. Having faith that he is a survivor and this too will pass. It is so hard. Hang in there. Do something for yourself today to find your smile. Even if it is just for a moment it will make you feel better.

    Sent using ConductDisorders mobile app
     
    • Like Like x 1
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • List
  20. Brokenheart61

    Brokenheart61 New Member

    Mixed feelings about everything

    Sent using ConductDisorders mobile app
     
Loading...