mother in law Again!!!!

Shari

IsItFridayYet?
Oh, yeah, Beth, it did take off from the section of town that had BOTH multiple break-ins yesterday while people were at work and last night thru the night, AND the only high speed car/theif chase so far this year.

Some dude stole and SUV out of a guy's garage while he was riding around the yard on his lawnmower!
 

Hound dog

Nana's are Beautiful
Shari

You should feel you have to be anyone's dirt. You're better than that. She's been a hag simply because you put up with it and husband didn't tell her to back off. (my mother remember? lol)

I'm glad you've decided enough is enough.

Sounds like the balloon ride was wonderful. Glad everyone had such a great time. And that mother in law wasn't able to crash the bash.

Hugs
 

Marguerite

Active Member
I'm glad the balloon ride went off well.

Shari, even in family that are happy together, you don't USE others the way she is using you guys.

First - in OUR family, when we were agisting cattle for brother in law, he "paid" for it by helping when it was time to move ALL the in-calf heifers to the yard. He also shared the AI bill and any other expenses. Later on, my parents moved to a country beach-side cottage with no mod cons. It belonged to brother in law and sister, my parents lived there rent-free but my father 'paid' the rent by fixing the place up. brother in law paid for the materials, my dad did the building work. He installed a bathroom, repaired the roof, fixed the outside toilet so you had some privacy - a lot of stuff. It was a business arrangement but it was also between friends.

husband & I borrowed money from my parents to buy our place. Even though I was on good terms with my parents, my dad still drew up the agreement details in a formal letter. We hadn't paid him back before he and my mother died, and I wasn't surprised to find the loan mentioned in the will and that amount deducted from my inheritance. Nor do I think I was the only one of my siblings dealing with this - but if there were others, my brother who was executor kept it confidential. I wasn't at all upset by this - it meant that the division of property was fair and my father had made sure that it would be so.

Family and friends should have business arrangements in place just as readily as people who have no other connection. A business arrangement can be on a handshake or it can be more formal. Even what my father did - putting it in a letter - is OK. by the way, the agreement was in the same envelope as a chatty note form my mother. Good old dad, saving postage as well!

Your mother in law gets free agistment. She also has interfered in her grandson's cattle-raising by moving his heifer without arrangement or permission - that is taking liberties. Technically, it's cattle rustling. Bushranging.

I have a question about mother in law's cows - do you have a bull? If so, can you charge stud fees? You certainly should.

Serious suggestion - sit and calculate the market value of what she is getting out of your farm. Do the sums at current commercial rates.
I mean, crikey - if you had a problem with grass getting out of control, it might be different. We had neighbours who asked us to get some sheep, so we could run our sheep in their paddock. They had a political reason for the paddock to be in farming use but didn't have the time and energy to do it themselves, so we did it happily. We kept their grass down and made sure the paddock wasn't seen as lying empty for the taking. I have no doubt my father made sure they never were disadvantaged by it.

If you have no bull, how do you get your cows in calf? AI, or do you have a handy bull you borrow?

We had a stud bull in the paddock next door to us. It was a fabulous beast, but the farmer neglected him horribly. I think he had grandiose plans to make money from stud fees, but did absolutely nothing with that bull. The poor thing was just left in the paddock. At least there was plenty of grass, and flowing water from the creek to drink. The fences were in a very sad state as well. So of course it was no surprise when the fence between our paddocks finally broke enough to let this bull in with our cow. (I think it had taken my brother in law - another brother in law - hours to make the fence fall down properly). The bull got in with our cow and the end result was an amazing calf, absolutely huge and red, like his father. We had to get him slaughtered less than a year later, because he was STILL suckling even though he was the same size as his mother. My sister has the tanned hide carpetting her living room. OK, it's a small living room, but not THAT small! The hide was way too big to be used as a bedspread, even on a king-sized bed.
But I digress.

I wonder - what would happen with mother in law's cows, if they either got pregnant when they shouldn't (to any old rubbish) or didn't get pregnant when they should?

We also had our cattle nicked at one time; got 'em back because we found them ourselves and were able to prove ownership because of the brand. It's a hazard, when your animals are agisted - thieves assume the animal in a paddock miles from anywhere, won't be missed.

Seriously - next time mother in law tries to charge you for services, present her with a matching bill for your services. If you've got it prepared well in advance, you can be ready on the spot for her.

From what you describe, she sounds like she just doesn't have a clue, socially. I'm wondering about Asperger's or similar. If this is the case - she's not doing it to be vindictive, she's just totally clueless and has given up trying to fit in. And people let her get away with it, mostly because they're too gobsmacked when confronted with the apparently blatant disregard for anyone else. Aspies CAN learn to be much more socially aware and sensitive than this. But if they've never been challenged, never been taught - how would they know?

Your daughter's new clothes - I still would have removed the clothes (to chaff bags in the shed?) and made her earn them by cleaning up her room, as you had told her. And if ANYONE (either daughter or mother in law) complains about it, then this is the consequence for going clothes shopping when it had been forbidden. No other new clothes to be bought either, until the mother in law ones have been earned back, first. If mother in law bought clothes that daughter hadn't really wanted - too bad, she shouldn't have allowed mother in law to buy them for her. Consequences, again.

Ooooh, I'm mean! But sometimes you have to be, if yo don't want your authority undermined.

husband has to step up to the plate. It sounds to me like he grew up learning to tiptoe around his mother, and placate her. Sounds like she's got people well-trained to do this, all around her.

He needs to stand up, and maybe the possible Aspie label can make it easier for him. After all, she IS his mother, he can't feel about her the way you do.
Let him know that from here on, the relationship must be equitable and on your terms. If she really is Aspie, she will accept and use the rules, if they are consistent. Even if she doesn't like them - she would probably respect them. But she will test the boundaries again and again, hoping that they're not really rules but just suggestions (rules don't break; suggestions do). So if you tell mother in law, "No buying stuff for our daughter until we give permission," then follow through with making it get taken back, and she does this again (sneaks in and puts it away) then confiscate it from BOTH of them until your rules are complied with.
If she REALLY won't back off, then take them to an op-shop somewhere. Make it clear - you mean it.

If necessary, put it in writing, even if it's just in a short informal note. "Hi, mother in law. You offered to buy new clothes for easy child 2 and that is very kind of you. However, we were going to take her clothes shopping as soon as she has made space for new clothes by cleaning out her wardrobe of all the things she has outgrown. She needs to learn these lessons in management and thrift, so thank you, but please do not do this right now, not until she has met her end of the bargain."

After receiving a note like this there would be absolutely no recourse for mother in law, when you ask her to take the clothes back, or later confiscate them. You did warn her, in writing.

Be prepared to have to do things this way for a while at least, until you have got her back under control (from your point of view). It might seem a hassle, but it's got to be worth it if it means she either backs off, or it gives you the legal right to take the action you will then need to take.

And do phrase the notes pleasantly, even if firmly. It means that she can't get you into trouble by showing the notes to anyone else. All anyone else should see from your notes, is your honest and fair communication in a pleasant and non-confrontational way.

It works.

Marg
 

nvts

Active Member
I'm so glad that you guys had a great time with the ride!

Shari! You are JLo in "Monster In Law"!!!

Honestly, the next time she showed me (or any of my kids that aren't her "blood") the disrespect that she has in the past, I'd give it to her with both barrels!

What a total jerk. I'd change the locks on the doors of the house asap and make it very clear to everyone that if she gets a copy of the key, the person that gave it to her is going to pay not only to change the locks again, but will pay to have EVERY lock on the property changes, including the trailer, tractor, paddock, barn, supply shed etc.

And I'd tell her that you don't want her to call your cell phone unless it's to tell you that she died.

But hey, 1/2 my family isn't talking to me and ALL of them have nothing better to do then talk ABOUT me so I might not be the one to advise you on this! lol

Glad you had fun!

Beth
 

Shari

IsItFridayYet?
I have wondered about mother in law, too, and wondered how much of her behavior is a product of her raising and how much is possibly something she was born with. At this point in her life, I'm not sure one could ever untangle what is her biological makeup and what was influenced by experiences. She had friends growing up; she dated and got married relatively young - things that suggest she had at least some social skills.
***
While my father in law is much easier to tolerate, we also think he married the "wrong woman". Before he and mother in law married, he dated a woman and they talked of getting married. There was a break-up, and she hastily married another man. father in law married mother in law sometime shortly after this and they took off fishing on their wedding day. In the past few years, the other woman's husband died, and she and father in law have had some long talks in which she admitted marrying that man was a mistake. Children didn't come til much, much later, and its been commented that if father in law didn't fish so much, there might have been more. I guess the point of all this is, her life probably hasn't been peachy.
***
That said, tho, I spent the first 4 years in this family bending over backwards to be nice to her, only to be repeatedly left out in the rain when it came to being a part of that family. After dad's funeral, I started just avoiding her. When she bought easy child the clothes, I tried to talk to her and explain that easy child needed to learn responsibility and honesty (after all, mother in law is the one who can't stand liars, she says). She just said she would continue to buy things for easy child 2, she just wouldn't tell husband and I about it because she has to keep things even with her grandkids (she'd paid part of college tuition for her other grandson so she had to spend a substantial amount of money on easy child, too, never mind that she didn't need it - i tried to ask her to just put the money away to be there when easy child really needs something - but no). We did take the clothes from easy child and didn't allow them back til her dresser was cleaned out - and when we finally did give them back, she never wore a good chunk of them - just this week I took a skirt, still with tags, to the GoodWill store. It no longer fits. Earlier this spring I took 5 tops, still with tags. Again, didn't fit anymore. So she didn't need them so badly. (not)
***
For stud, I think this is about the only thing we do that's understood and fair for all. We winter their bull in exchange for services of the bull (there are always people looking for this arrangment so this would be easily done without the in-law's involvement). The rest is just assumed on mother in law's part. I have been looking into the cost of a hired farm hand (what husband does for them all summer) and custom hay baling so that I can get on paper what husband's services would cost in the real world and present that to them along with a list of "services" they get for free from our farm, in addition to husband's services. IF you can find it, pasture rent around here runs around $100 a month for a small pasture, so considering we've had at least 1 of their heifers (excluding the bull - I'm not counting him in this) on our place for the past 6 years, that's a hefty sum right there. If you consider we provide the hay thru the winter, well, it just goes up. We check and hay the cattle at their farm in the winter when the weather is bad (they live 6 or 8 miles from us), and thru the spring and early summer when they go to their lakehouse. While they are gone, if the grandson isn't available, we will also do their yardwork. When they move or sell cattle, they use our truck and trailer, and generally all of us, too. And she never calls to ask this be done, she'll call and say "we're selling cattle on such and such day at 1". What we use from them, besides the bull, is a tractor occassionally, and sometimes hay equipment, and every once in a while a vehicle (not so much anymore cause we have our own "spare" car now). To me, it should just be even - I help you/you help me, but that's not the way it works with her.
***
I dealt with them on several agreements in the years prior to being married to their son (he and I have been friends for years), and we had no problems then. But boy, when I took that last name, I didn't quite realize what I was giving up, I guess.
 

Marguerite

Active Member
Can you negotiate with father in law instead? Or does he simply survive by keeping his head down?

Buying clothes for your daughter as a way of squaring any debts to grandchildren - it's stupid, if the clothes don't get worn. A waste. I'd at least be holding a garage sale or trying to take them back to the store when they're purchased, next time. Then use the money to buy what YOU feel is more appropriate, and less of it. And from the goodwill store, so it's cheaper.

Marg
 
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