Mother of an 8 year old out of control Aspergers child!

[Snowenne]

Hi, I'm new to this site hoping to find other parents that are in my same situation. Someone to listen to me vent and let me listen while they vent.
My son was diagnosed last year with Aspergers. He was a very good baby until he started school and thats when it became worse. Right now he is only on Adderall to help him sit still in school. It works. I dont get the daily phone calls from the school either telling me to go pick him up or to tell me he's suspended. However, now home life is horrible. I basically have to fight with him over every little thing. From getting changed in the morning, to taking his medicine, to get him to do anything, to get him to eat, shower, brush teeth etc. He screams and yells so loud that childrens aid has been called on us a few times because when hes in his extreme meltdown phase omg you really think we are beating the **** outta him. I've been trying to get him medicated to take away the anger but man thats harder than dealing with this everyday. I'm tired, i'm stressed, this is not what I wanted to do everyday of my life. I want to believe this will get better now that he is going to start occupational therapy but man its hard.
So if you are in the same spot as I am and am looking for help, please feel free to reply to this thread. Thanks

 

[JJJ]

Welcome! We have all been there...

WHo diagnosis him with Aspergers? What kind of doctor rx the Adderall? Was he this difficult before the Adderall?

 

[Snowenne]

A physciatrist from sick kids diagnosed him. He was referred to the intensive program at children's aid because he was so difficult at school. He would be very aggressive at school but not at home. His pediatrician put him on adderall because he only needs to take it once where ritalin you need to take it 2ce. He was pretty good at home before starting the medications. Not like it is now. The dr did ask me if I noticed it after he started the medications. I did say yes and later when I was talking to the autism place here they said they see this often with children. They try really hard all day to keep themselves 'together' and by the time they get home (in thier comfort zone) then they tend to let it all out
because they feel safe and because they know we wont judge him. It does make alot of sense, but I am not enjoying the punching bag feeling anymore. I used to be really strong, now I tear up all the time. It's hard to put a smile on your face when this is what you have to go through everyday.

 

[1 Day At a Time]

Snowenne,

I just want to offer some support and some gentle hugs. You are describing our difficult child at age 8 , well, except for the "good baby" part. Our difficult child has always struggled.

I agree that the Occupational Therapist (OT)'s recommendations will be quite helpful to you. I'm guessing that your little guy has extreme sensory issues - and eating and the personal hygiene routines are really quite grueling for him (as well as for you). The occupational therapist may be able to suggest alternative methods that calm these situations down.

I sure others may chime in here, but the book "The Explosive Child" was very helpful for us. You do have to pick your battles, because your life can become very exhausting if you don't. I also agree about the effort it takes your son to "keep it together". He probably needs a lot of time and space after school just to decompress. My son does, and he's almost 20!

I will tell you that it does get better, and he will learn how to better regulate his behaviors. But, that is a ways off. Fortunately, you will have help to develop strategies to assist you both. Hang in there....

Valerie

 

[Snowenne]

well, I think our main problem with him is that he was diagnosed late. So now, we are doing everything in our possible will to try to help. Obviously that means a little change. So he is now fighting us with every little thing. I do pick and choose my battles. I do let him get things I wouldnt normally allow. But I do it to avoid his battles. He gets really really nasty sometimes. We keep trying to explain to him what we are doing and why. Now that this is brought to our attention we are still seeing things we would never clue into. i.e. His homework. He still cant understand the differences between 'do' and 'due' lol. So we had an issue where he had homework and the teacher wrote on top it was 'due' friday. Well in his head, he had to do it on friday. So told the teacher to reword until he understands. I just feel like its getting so much worse and im afraid that it wont get any better.

 

[TerryJ2]

Welcome, Snowenne.
Good catch on "due" and "do." I can see a major explosion on that!
My son does the same thing but he's old enough to know better now. He just loves to procrastinate.

Look on the main board here and there is a new thread that lists books to read. I would recommend all of them!

Also, you know that the Adderall is going to wear off at a certain time, so can you give your son an alternate medication to keep him less agitated? You can't dose him with-Adderall again or he will never sleep. Our son is on Imiprimene and Clonidine. Ask your dr about them. I hate to push drugs, so to speak, but we're talking sanity here!

I noticed with-my son that if I gave him more than 2 things to do at a time, he'd have a meltdown. Also, he hates the sound of my voice (it's gotten better in the last cpl mo's) so I would write down anything he needed to do or what we needed to communicate.
He loves typing msgs on his cell ph and will msg me from one rm of the house to another.
Hey, whatever works!

 

[keista]

hey Snowenne, Sorry I missed this thread before.

Ditto Terry on the do/due thing. The good news is, you are on the right track, the 'bad' news is you are no longer just a parent, you have to be an investigator too. Traditional parenting techniques don't work well with Aspies. They are anything but traditional.

Obviously that means a little change. So he is now fighting us with every little thing...........We keep trying to explain to him what we are doing and why

I'm a bit confused about this. Were things working before, and someone told you to change it, and you have, and NOW he's fighting? If it ain't broke don't fix it. The changes should olny be happening in areas where there were difficulties already, or a new one arises. The homework thing. I'm just guessing that you couldn't figure out why he was always late with it until someone clued you in to "language difficulties" then you notice, DUE on Friday, but Mom I have to DO it on Friday. And then it all seemed perfectly clear? I had the same problem with 'tonight'.

I'd like to hear more, since I may or may not be be interpreting your statements correctly.

And Welcome. This is a great place for support, insight and guidance.

 

[HaoZi]

Sounds like he's also having some rebound from the Adderall. Seven is NOT late for Asperger's diagnosis. It's actually much earlier than most cases. The majority of Aspies I've come to know were diagnosis'd in late teens or adulthood (including myself, at the age of 34).
Social complexities will become more difficult as he gets older. Does he have an IEP? Social skills classes? Any kind of therapy in or out of school?
The Explosive Child, as mentioned in a previous post, is one you will see recommended here a LOT. Even if you don't think the techniques will work for you (or work now), just reading it helps, because you will start to pause and think about things from his point of view instead of just reacting, and that alone can help in a number of situations. Take what works for you and don't worry about the rest.

 

[JJJ]

If he was okay at home before the Adderall and is now physically aggressive, I would be looking HARD at the Adderall. With summer break coming up, perhaps discuss taking a break from the Adderall and seeing if a few weeks off of it improves the situation.

Tigger got very crabby and nasty on all stims. He now takes Clonodine and it works so much better. (Not saying that it is the medication for your son, only his doctor can do that; just sharing what worked for us.) It is not uncommon for children on the spectrum to have negative reactions to the stims.

 

[Snowenne]

Thanks everyone for your words. I know this is hard. I'm not sure that the adderall is doing bad things to him. Ever since he started on it back in January he's been doing great in school. I'm not getting daily phone calls from them either telling me to pick him up or that he's suspended. I was told by the autism place here that they see this alot and it could be that hes putting all of his effort into school and by the time he gets home he explodes on us because he knows we wont judge him and wont send him away. The theory makes sense but this has got to change. I'm only human and I am getting tired with the constant fighting with him. He's always had meltdowns but now hes getting destructive. If he makes something for me as soon as he gets mad he takes it away from me and destroys it. I didnt get a mothers day card or anything from my son this year because he thinks I dont deserve it. Alot of our problems come from the computer and video games. All he wants to do 24-7 is play video games and I wont allow it and thats where hes now fighting. I never believed in medication until recently. I will medicate him if it makes our home life alot better. But it seems that trying to get him medicated is harder than dealing with him on a daily basis. It seems that since his dr didnt give him the diagnosis its like they dont believe me. Last time we went I told him I needed him to be medicated and that resulted in me waiting another month just to go in and talk to him about it. I was so upset last night I was ready to take him to the local hospital to see if they would medicate him. I am very stressed and I dont know what to do.

 

[Snowenne]

Oh and yes he has IEP that the school, myself and a child physcologist have worked together with it. He will be starting Occupational Therapy June 8th. We have Kerrys Place (autism place) involved as well as childrens aid for the intensive program. So we do have somewhat support but he's a difficult one and just wants to fight us on everything

 

[keista]

Well, you had a psychiatrist diagnosis him, but said the medication came from the pediatrician. I'd discuss medicating with the psychiatrist. He/she is more knowledgeable about the medications and has a better understanding of the whole diagnosis and behaviors. The pediatrician will only prescribe in their comfort zone - some won't at all, some do for AD/HD symptoms, and some may (if you're lucky) have a psychiatric background and be comfortable with more. Mine won't even write a renewal scrip if we run out and can't get to psychiatrist

 

[Snowenne]

Well the problem with going back to the dr that diagnosed him may be difficult. I was referred to the intensive program at childrens aid last year. They agreed with me about my problems with my son and they called in a very well known phyciatrist from sick kids hospital. The problem is sick kids isnt close. Yes we do go with our daughter (she was born with clubbed feet) But the dr who diagnosed him is more of a gender specialist. And even though she gave the diagnosis I think we would have to be referred to her. Gotta love that. My son needs to be medicated because none of us including his EA's at school the Occupational Therapist (OT), dr etc are able to get anywhere with him right now because he just is so angry and we need to find out why. I think it steams back to last august when his dad showed up out of the blue to try to take him of course I didnt allow that and ended up getting assulted when I was 5 months pregnant with my daughter. (His dad has it just never diagnosed with it.) After that day is when everything went quick because things really got out of control. I have managed to keep dad away but courts are pushing my son to be with him (he hates his dad) So I realize that theres probably alot more than just the aspergers going on but the aspergers is getting in the way of him being able to move forward.

 

[keista]

Generally, Asperger's itself is not medicated. But his anger issues, if diagnosed can and will be. Ask the pediatrician for a referral to a psychiatrist. If you can't keep going back to the original one, you need another one to figure out any other dxs besides Aspergers and medicate them appropriately.

 

[Snowenne]

Well I spent the past 2 days on the phone trying to get an appointment with his family dr. The pediatrician who has been giving him the adderall and been watching him these past few months, hes great but the receptionist is well not so great. I feel like they feel that I am making everything up and they dont realize the severity of my sons anger. I really feel like giving up right now. Not necessarily giving up on him but givin up in general. I cant stand the negativity he has brought to me. From strangers harrassing me and chasing me down the street to rub in my face that my son isnt the best behaved at all times. My family who sits and just blames me for everything wrong with him and why hes being the way he is is all my fault. I try really hard with him. Im not perfect. My hubby is awesome but hes not my sons father. His family thinks we are a burdin to him and that doesnt help. So I managed to get an appointment but shes not sure what she will be able to do for us. So keeping my fingers crossed that something good will happen ><

 

[keista]

Fingers crossed for you all.

As you learn more about the Asperger's as well as any other dxs, you will learn how to better handle the "outsiders". There was just a thread about it, if you haven't read through it, check it out now. Do you ever feel .... m

http://www.conductdisorders.com/forum/f6/do-you-ever-feel-m-40826/

 

[TerryJ2]

I didnt get a mothers day card or anything from my son this year because he thinks I dont deserve it. Alot of our problems come from the computer and video games. All he wants to do 24-7 is play video games and I wont allow it and thats where hes now fighting. I never believed in medication until recently. I will medicate him if it makes our home life alot better.

That sounds familiar!

And I know what you mean about the receptionist.

I hate to tell you this, but in our case, our son had to get so out of control that we took him to a psychiatric hospital and he had a stay of a little less than a wk. They gave him Clonidine, which was great, and which we've been using ever since. But he was 10 ... I wish it had been 2. Talk about no one believing you! I know the feeling.
Also, the psychiatric hospital gave us a lame diagnosis of Mood Disorder not otherwise specified. Grrr.
I took difficult child to a private psychiatric who specialized in spectrum disorders and along with-lots of testing, he split hairs to help me determine whether difficult child was biopolar or Aspie. He also recommended a psychiatrist. It overlapped with-difficult child's time in the hospital, so things didn't work out the way we'd planned (do they ever?) but I've switched psychiatrists a cpl times and am very happy to have the one we have now.
by the way, when you leave a dr, no matter how much you hate him or her (unless they have physically assaulted your kid), don't give a reason why you are leaving. Just type a brief note thanking the dr for his care and requesting the transfer of records.
Don't burn any bridges. You never know who talks to whom and what may come back to bite you. And who you may need in the future. Just ask Prince Machiavelli.
FWIW.

 

[Marguerite]

I'm having to rush right now - has anybody suggested the possibility of medication rebound? We got this really badly on ritalin, but it can happen with other medications. Added to this is what has already been mentioned - the e motional rebound at the end of a day spent concentrating really hard, and trying really hard.

First - ask if there is a different medication to try, or perhaps something to help him at the end of the day. But failing that, I would change what YOU do at the end of his days. Not tat you're doing anything wrong, but with the medications, he has changed and this has a dynamic in other areas of his life (and yours).

If you let him unwind when he comes home from school, and also (for a while at least) drop homework - we had to negotiate with the school for this, but it was worth it - you might find he copes better. Read "Explosive Child" and follow some of the techniques. it sounds like school is still a huge strain for him. Not uncommon. As he gets older, it gets more socially challenging and the gulf socially between him and his classmates may widen. This can also aggravate matters, also when expectations increase above his ability to cope.

There are so many factors, and I suspect you are at some level blaming yourself. The "late diagnosis" (no it's not - my older son was 14!), the change in his behaviour, the way it seems directed at you - don't take this personally.

One thing to hold close to your heart - he loves you, he trusts you to love him. He has to lash out at the moment at someone, somehow, and you are the one he feels safest with. He knows you love him unconditionally. It's not a conscious thought for him, it is desperation.

It does get better, but for now at least, you need to let go a lot of things at home. Stuff the family - they will get it eventually, or not. But you can't change them. At least your husband is on side.

I've got a sis-in-law who over the years has been critical of my parenting. She has also said to her mother (mother in law) that I have amazing patience with difficult child 3, she thinks I'm a saint. She has also said (since then) that I am a parent who does not pay attention to the child or push him hard enough to show respect to others. Basically - she blows with the wind. If I tried to please her, I'd be bouncing this way and that. So instead I just nod and smile, then go ahead and do things my way. It is frankly the only way to be consistent. Someone has to be!

Don't get me wrong, I love my sis-in-law, although at times she can annoy me.

Marg

 

[Snowenne]

I still dont think its the medicine thats making him very explosive at night. I normally dont ride him and let him breathe and have some time to do what he wants when he gets home. The problems are always based around video games. You take them away (because he wants to play 24-7) he flips out. Then he decides to try to 'punish' me for being so incredibly mean he will take things he made for me and destroy them or he will do things like not eat for days because I wont let him play. But at the same time there are times that things need to be done...i.e.taking medications, going to school etc. I am tired of the constant battling with him to do anything. He does have his good moments and when he does hes the most amazing kid ever. I just want to see more of that. I dont like what this aspergers is doing to him right now. Im trying to help but hes even fighting that. As for the dr that he normally goes to with medications. Seems like its our only option here (stupid dumb small town with not much here.) I did tell my family basically to 'f' off the other night. Its bad enough to deal with this but to have them constantly critize you and basically put you to blame, sorry I dont need that in my life. I just hope its going to get better

 

[TerryJ2]

My son is addicted to video games, too. And he gets mean when he can't have them.
Our most peaceful times are when he is totally grounded off of them. The first day is always holy h*ll. After that he calms down and becomes human. I love it when he comes back from camp. He talks in complete sentences and smiles!
Ignore your extended family. They don't have to live with-him. Hang in there!